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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my dad he should just leave my mum

82 replies

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:12

My mum has always being difficult. She likes to get her own way and when she doesnt then all hell breaks lose. She screams and shouts, throws things around etc like a toddler having a tantrum. There were many times that she ruined holidays etc by storming off. This is on top of the attitude that no one has it as hard as her, if your sick shes been sicker, if you are tired she's exhausted etc. This makes having a relationship with her very hard.
My dad although having his faults is generally easy going, works hard and really tries to get on with everyone on some level. They are opposite in so many ways.
Over the last couple of years my mums behaviour has got worse, the tantrums and sulks are becoming more frequent. A few days ago I found out that she threw a heavy object at my dad, he caught it so isn't injured and is downplaying it but I couldn't believe it. If she had hit him it could have really hurt him. The reason she threw it is because he arrived to pick her up from their holiday home early and she wanted to stay later. My dad is still working and is self employed so he wanted to get some work done when they got home. My mum is retired and doesnt drive but refuses to get the bus or train anywhere.
This is only 1 example, she in recent months has ruined a holiday by refusing to leave the hotel room and then screaming at my dad when he went out by himself. She has got mad at him for going to the cinema with a friend while she was away on holiday with her friends. The list goes on.
My dad is losing weight, he's working more when he should be working less cause she refuses to use her pension for bills. I'm really worried about him as he gets older.
I want to just tell him to leave her but I don't know if it's really my place to say anything.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 28/06/2019 13:04

Please do. I had to watch my terminally ill, brain injured dad get shouted at by his wife when he made her coffee wrong.

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 13:04

He stepped in between them and let my sister get out if the house. I dunno exactly what happened afterwards but I know my dad stayed at my uncles for a few days and my mum went to the holiday home for a couple of weeks afterwards. He refused to take her side and I know they didn't speak properly till she had apologised to my sister. She also promised to go to the dr but I am unsure if she did go tbh.

OP posts:
cavalier · 28/06/2019 13:06

Crikey ... can I assume your Mum had an unsettled childhood ... there is always a reason for the way we are .... ?

GabsAlot · 28/06/2019 13:07

Your por dad-it is hard living with depression but theres no need for violence-i suffer with mh but have never hit anyone

I hope you get through to him but he prob feels obligated by now to look after her

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 13:08

My mum was the only child of a nice middle class family. She had a childhood which involved, horse riding lessons, holidays abroad. Her parents were quite strict but my grandad was lovely (my grandma died before I was born). There could be things she hasn't told me but as far as i know she lived a nice stable life.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 28/06/2019 13:08

No excuse cavalier you cant write it off as a bad childhood

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/06/2019 13:08

Bet she doesn't scream, shout and slap when she's on holiday with her friends.

I doubt he will leave now if he's put up with her this long.

Drum2018 · 28/06/2019 13:09

I'd invite your dad to come and stay with you for a weekend - maybe say you need DIY help. If she wanted to come just say no, it will be too messy. You would then have a chance to talk to him alone and see if he'd be open to leaving her. I would call her out on her behaviour every single time she behaves badly. I wouldn't care what she called me - it would just reinforce the fact that she's a bitch anyway, giving more reason for your dad to leave. But if he's against it there is no way of forcing him. Just let him know you would help him to leave in any way you could.

Meripenopause · 28/06/2019 13:10

You are describing my parents as well. If your father is anything like mine, you can offer all the help and support in the world and he won't leave. Mine are in their 80s now and my mother has had dementia for a decade. She hasn't know my father (or anyone else) for several years. My father insists on caring for her at home and describes her as 'a wonderful wife and mother'.
Helping him to care for her has taken its toll on me, and it is only in the past couple of years that I have understood the extent to which he has always put her ahead of anyone - his children and members of his original family, who she would not allow him to see (like your mother, she could be very violent if he did not do as she wished).
So don't hold out too much hope OP.

Original poster
Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 13:11

Shes lovely around other people. She is a member of various village committees, helps out with the local church summer fete etc. Its just at home and around family that she acts like this.

OP posts:
lily2403 · 28/06/2019 13:12

Sounds a bit more serious than depression. Has she been to the dr about it, I know someone who behaved like this and was diagnosed as having bipolar, has been medicated etc and now behaves totally different...im not saying that as an excuse but maybe a reason. Hope life gets better for your dad and the rest of the family

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/06/2019 13:13

I also think this is a mental health/ possible dementia situation.

My Mum was always difficult and suffered from mental illness but became extremely violent like this when she started developing dementia although we didn't realise that's what it was at first. Eventually when she was threatening my Dad with a knife I called their GP for advice and a doctor came round within a couple of hours and made an appointment for the dementia clinic. It was hell for the three months wait until the appointment and both parents blamed me for interfering. She was eventually given medication which improved things for a while. My Dad was devoted to her and looked after her for the rest of her life, visiting every day when she had to go into a care home.

userxx · 28/06/2019 13:15

@cavalier I disagree with that, some people are just twats.

Al203 · 28/06/2019 13:15

My mum was like this and when my poor dad died I felt so relieved for him that it was finally time for him to rest.

He didn't start to rest. He died.

Get your father out OP so that he can have some semblance of a life before he dies. He is staying out of misplaced loyalty. The ticket expired at the latest when you left home.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 13:17

It is only in the past couple of years that I have understood the extent to which he has always put her ahead of anyone - his children and members of his original family, who she would not allow him to see.

This was the case with my parents too. I have cousins I only met at 19 when I contacted them, because my mother isolated us from Dad's family.

lickthewrapper · 28/06/2019 13:17

My dad was in an abusive relationship. I begged him to leave her, but he wouldn't. I think he was too scared, and also maybe a little too proud. He got ill and she ignored him. By the time she took him to A&E it was too late. I often wish I had tried harder to convince him to leave her. :(

onyourway · 28/06/2019 13:21

Can you suggest a trip away for you and your dad?

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 28/06/2019 13:21

My pils are the same. My dh is desperate for fil to leave mil becuase she is an abusive violent woman who to everyone on the outside is a lovely person. My fil once told my dh he wished he had never married her but is too scared to leave.

cavalier · 28/06/2019 13:25

Can I please make it clear that I am not excusing any behaviour at all and am mortified that anybody would think that
What I am saying is some people’s disturbed psyche does stem back from childhood ... / teen years . And yes dementia can make people extremely aggressive ... wow why would I make a throw away comment about such an upsetting situation .... the human psyche is very complex ... this is a mother of one of our posters and life
Is too short to not try and get a hold of why this could be happening that’s all .. no offence intended .... the wonders of the written word eh ?

IHateUncleJamie · 28/06/2019 13:29

Unfortunately he sounds like an enabler, and if he has put up with your mum's behaviour for this long, he's not likely to change his mind now. My dad was like this too, it's a sign of codependency. Ultimately he always put her wants and needs ahead of the rest of the family, no matter how awful she was.

My Dad is the same, @Sakura7. I’m no contact with my mother (a malignant narcissist with suspected BPD) as she is and always has been abusive. My Dad is completely codependent on her and is practically suicidal when she punishes him by disappearing and staying in hotels. He’s 100% brainwashed and enables her constantly. He will never leave her and doesn’t want to hear anything negative about her.

It’s really sad @Ginnymweasley but sometimes men like this don’t want to be rescued or helped to leave.

Having said that, it doesn’t sound like your Dad is as far gone as mine and I would certainly talk to him alone to try and get him to see that he’s an an abusive relationship. Hugs because it’s hard to see a parent going through this. xx

Bluerussian · 28/06/2019 13:37

I'm so sorry for you and your dad, Ginnymweasley, it must be horrible to see your father so poorly treated and she isn't very nice to you either.

In your position I would urge my dad to put an end to the marriage but I don't know if he will, he obviously has loyalty towards her and hopes for better things.

Your mother has serious problems and needs professional help - she probably can't see how very difficult she is.

Poor you, in the middle.

Take care.
Flowers

roundtable · 28/06/2019 13:40

Op, your mum sounds like Verruca Salt. I know a few people who grew up with parents who would do anything for them and were so kind and lovely. Their children are spoilt brats as adults.

I could be wrong but yes your dad needs to get out. I'd be tempted to film her in one of her rages and accidentally forward it to one of her committee members. But that's because I'm grumpy today and is probably a terrible idea Blush.

Wallywobbles · 28/06/2019 13:40

Could you add to pps posters advice saying that you'd like to be able to see him without her. That frankly he risks loosing his kids because she is so unbearable to be around.

NasiGoreng · 28/06/2019 13:44

Your mum is a spoilt Princess who throws her toys out the pram when she doesn't get her own way. She flits off to her holiday home and won't entertain getting the train or driving. She's polished to her friends.

The long and short of it is that she is a spoilt cow and you are all enabling her and she has ground your poor dad into the ground.

If my mum called me a F'ing bitch or slapped me there would be serious consequences. In fact, I'd club together with my siblings to offer my dad a way out and ostracise her from the rest of the family. She needs to see that when she acts like that, she ends up alone.

She sounds like a massive nightmare and the only way she will stop is if you all cut her off.

user87382294757 · 28/06/2019 13:45

If he is worried what might happen to her, or feels responsible, she could go into sheltered housing, if needs be. There are places like that with support for them if needs be, as she gets older I mean. He doesn't have to put up with it.

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