Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To tell my dad he should just leave my mum

82 replies

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 12:12

My mum has always being difficult. She likes to get her own way and when she doesnt then all hell breaks lose. She screams and shouts, throws things around etc like a toddler having a tantrum. There were many times that she ruined holidays etc by storming off. This is on top of the attitude that no one has it as hard as her, if your sick shes been sicker, if you are tired she's exhausted etc. This makes having a relationship with her very hard.
My dad although having his faults is generally easy going, works hard and really tries to get on with everyone on some level. They are opposite in so many ways.
Over the last couple of years my mums behaviour has got worse, the tantrums and sulks are becoming more frequent. A few days ago I found out that she threw a heavy object at my dad, he caught it so isn't injured and is downplaying it but I couldn't believe it. If she had hit him it could have really hurt him. The reason she threw it is because he arrived to pick her up from their holiday home early and she wanted to stay later. My dad is still working and is self employed so he wanted to get some work done when they got home. My mum is retired and doesnt drive but refuses to get the bus or train anywhere.
This is only 1 example, she in recent months has ruined a holiday by refusing to leave the hotel room and then screaming at my dad when he went out by himself. She has got mad at him for going to the cinema with a friend while she was away on holiday with her friends. The list goes on.
My dad is losing weight, he's working more when he should be working less cause she refuses to use her pension for bills. I'm really worried about him as he gets older.
I want to just tell him to leave her but I don't know if it's really my place to say anything.

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 28/06/2019 13:47

Your mother sounds as if she may be in the narcissistic personality disorder category, I agree that your father needs help to see the truth of his situation and to escape

user87382294757 · 28/06/2019 13:48

Also you and our dad might find this website helpful

outofthefog.website

MrsAmaretto · 28/06/2019 13:48

Your dad is being abused and it’s escalating. There is only one service solely for men who are victims of domestic violence in Scotland, I’m not sure about England. Perhaps google and see if they have advice, or can signpost you to other services?

I listened to a programme about abused men on Radio Scotland on the Call Kaye programme, it might still be online and might help you?

justasking111 · 28/06/2019 13:54

Ginnymweasley Fri 28-Jun-19 13:11:31
Shes lovely around other people. She is a member of various village committees, helps out with the local church summer fete etc. Its just at home and around family that she acts like this.

.....................................

Then tell her you are going to see the Vicar about her behaviour and spread it around the village that your DF is being physically abused and mentally by her.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 13:54

The long and short of it is that she is a spoilt cow and you are all enabling her and she has ground your poor dad into the ground.

He is a grown man who doesn't want to leave. What do you suggest, kidnap him and lock him in the box room?

OP is not enabling, she's trying to help but her Dad doesn't want to know. She cannot force him to leave his marriage.

Sashkin · 28/06/2019 14:01

Shes lovely around other people. She is a member of various village committees, helps out with the local church summer fete etc. Its just at home and around family that she acts like this

So she’s perfectly capable of behaving when she wants to - this isn’t her “losing control”, it’s deliberate. It also makes dementia/MH issues far less likely, as you can’t turn dementia off and on like a tap depending on who is in earshot. She’s just a standard abusive spouse like any other.

justasking111 · 28/06/2019 14:03

Sashkin - nail on head here.

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 14:07

@IHateUncleJamie You're right, sometimes they don't want to be helped. It's very hard to accept that your dad is making a choice by putting up with it, even though it's a terrible choice.

In my dad's case he was separated from his parents and siblings and was raised by a very domineering grandmother. He basically found another version of her in my mother.

crosstalk · 28/06/2019 14:08

OP does your mum have any friends?

I think you need to talk to your DF without her around. And think where he would go if he left her and whether it's financially viable.

And ask if she's been to a doctor about her rages. Can you and your sister speak to her about her temper?

I know a number of people who are lauded for their helpfulness and friendliness out and about but are dreadful at home.

dottiedodah · 28/06/2019 14:08

The difficult thing here is that they have been together so long ,and he has become conditioned to her behaving like this.Do they have any mutual friends that you could sound out and see what they think about this .If her behaviour has got worse over the last few years ,it may be the onset of Dementia and would be worth asking the doctor about it.People can often put on a"show" with friends /the Vicar etc and behave differently at home .Other than this I dont know what else to advise you ,he has probably gone into denial about her faults ,by the sound of it and wouldnt be able to cope alone .Do they have any times when they are close do you think?or is this just like it the whole time?

NasiGoreng · 28/06/2019 14:09

If someone throws things at people, swears at and hits them, and there are no consequences then they will keep on doing it. Bullies don't stop until they are stopped. The OP and her dad go back for more hoping that mum will stop doing it at some point. Their passiveness unfortunately enables her.

I have someone like this in our lives. They treat their DH and DD like this. They don't do it to anyone in my family. They got away with it when I was younger, but when I was older every time they did something I made sure there was a consequence. It was like I was training a puppy or dealing with a toddler. Every time they tried it on, there was a consequence. Now, we are the only people this person doesn't abuse as they know they will end up the loser.

Original poster

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 14:14

I have stood up to my mum so many times. As have my sisters. She changes for a short time and then goes back to the same. She turns everything around so she is scared to say anything to my sister cause she's scared she wont see her grandkids. She seems to have forgotten that she hit my sister. We all moved out at 18. None of us are close to her, my nephew calls her miserable grandma. I dont really know what more I can do. If I cut her off completely then it will be increasingly difficult to see my dad if he stays with her. It's not simple.

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 28/06/2019 14:21

If someone throws things at people, swears at and hits them, and there are no consequences then they will keep on doing it. Bullies don't stop until they are stopped.

That's all very well but, yet again, the dad doesn't want to stand up to her and the OP can't force him to. She wants him to leave but it's his choice.

Did you miss that it was OP's sister who got slapped, and she has since gone no contact?

There's really no need to be so hard on the OP here. She's trying to help, but some men in this situation don't want help.

Original poster

Ginnymweasley · 28/06/2019 14:33

Thankyou @Sakura7 this is something that has been going on my entire life to varying degrees. It's just not as simple as standing up to her. The only family my dad has other than me (my sister are his step daughters) is his brother. The rest of his siblings have died. I think part of his reluctance is that he worries about how she would cope without him etc.

OP posts:

carla1983 · 28/06/2019 14:54

she is abusive

TildaKauskumholm · 28/06/2019 14:58

My mum and dad were like this, and now they are gone I wish I could have talked to dad about it. I'm sure he wouldn't have left anyway, not the done thing for their generation. I would try if I were you, OP, lovely quiet dads like this deserve something better.

paap1975 · 28/06/2019 15:06

I think your mother is a narcissist, maybe read up about NPD. My mother is and I could have written your post about myself. I distinctly remember as a child my sister and I begging my father to divorce my mother. He didn't. I left home a few days after my 18th and my sister left at 16. We are both now very low contact with her, which makes things better but not perfect. I think the damage she has done will be there forever

IHateUncleJamie · 28/06/2019 15:16

@Ginnymweasley All you can do is sit down with your Dad and tell him that you’re seriously concerned that this is an abusive environment he’s in - it’ll be interesting to see what he says. If he buries his head in the sand like my Dad then all you can reasonably do is reassure him that if and when he needs help and wants to either leave her or get her assessed, that you will be there for him.

It’s terribly hard but there comes a point when you have to remind yourself that this is your parent and he will make his own choices. He’s not your child.

MyOpinionIsValid · 28/06/2019 15:23

Your mother actaully sounds like she has a personality disorder (armchair diagnosis) and nothing will get done because
1.. shes too old
2.. she masks it
3.. no one ever alerted her GP or social services

As I said up the thread, OP - YOU can make a safegaurding referral on behalf of your father to SS

kateandme · 29/06/2019 11:16

is your dad in denial of what is happening.
i think like anyon in abusive relationship you cnt force them.
and being with your mum for so long must be so hard to leave.your dependant on that routine and life no matter how traumatic it might be sometimes.because his who life in intwined with this woman and has been for so long.when he does anything new how would he do that now after so very long of building this life.it would be so scary.
i think its lovely you can still be there.what about trying to get him out on his own.for a meal.or would there be a way to ask him to do something that only he is needed for.some diy.some choice on paint or design ideas for the house.then "oh dad fancy staying for the night now your here/or for tea etc.
and be open all the time.open to listen.tell him that.and let him know he can come to yours any time for some free time.
is their something your dc are doign the might need his help with?
help him at least see a life outsdie of the trap hes in?
what about writing him a letter.this is a way people can say so much and the other person doesnt react from speach or hearing it from his daughter.he will have time to digest it.and then go back to it as much as he needed to once the inital words have been said,you dont always get this face to face.its much harder to not react with initial emotion.
dont give up on him.
there is always a chance to either leave or at least a better life.time out from it is maybe the most you can get for him.

Mrscaindingle · 29/06/2019 11:32

I don't think this sounds like depression or bipolar if this behaviour only happens at home. If she is able to behave appropriately around others she is able to control her behaviour but chooses not to.
This is classic abusive behaviour and it sounds as though your dad has enabled her behaviour for years and sounds completely ground down by the situation.
I would keep letting him know you are worried about him and that your mum's behaviour is not OK.
Ultimately it's his decision to leave and he might never do it but at least he will have an ally in you.

Whosorrynow · 29/06/2019 11:34

I think the puppy training method is probably the only way to deal with this woman, but she has trained your father to obey her and enable her, he is emotionally bonded to the person who is abusing him
people like this find it harder and harder to manipulate and control others as they get older and often end up in situations where everyone has turned their back on them

Whosorrynow · 29/06/2019 11:39

I think ostensibly it is true that she is choosing to behave abusively but that's also an oversimplification of the situation, her instinctive or knee jerk response is to be controlling and abusive that is the way she has learnt to get about in life, those are her 'natural' impulses
she can (theoretically) control her impulses but she will only do so if she is strongly incentivized by negative consequences for not controlling her behaviour.
Because your father obeys her he is constantly rewarding and reinforcing her abusive behaviour

Kpo58 · 29/06/2019 11:45

Does anyone know if they do a Freedom Program for men?

Whosorrynow · 29/06/2019 11:49

I would have thought the freedom programme as it exists could equally be applied to men or women?

Flip

1 2 3 4