To tell my dad he should just leave my mum

[Ginnymweasley]

My mum has always being difficult. She likes to get her own way and when she doesnt then all hell breaks lose. She screams and shouts, throws things around etc like a toddler having a tantrum. There were many times that she ruined holidays etc by storming off. This is on top of the attitude that no one has it as hard as her, if your sick shes been sicker, if you are tired she's exhausted etc. This makes having a relationship with her very hard.
My dad although having his faults is generally easy going, works hard and really tries to get on with everyone on some level. They are opposite in so many ways.
Over the last couple of years my mums behaviour has got worse, the tantrums and sulks are becoming more frequent. A few days ago I found out that she threw a heavy object at my dad, he caught it so isn't injured and is downplaying it but I couldn't believe it. If she had hit him it could have really hurt him. The reason she threw it is because he arrived to pick her up from their holiday home early and she wanted to stay later. My dad is still working and is self employed so he wanted to get some work done when they got home. My mum is retired and doesnt drive but refuses to get the bus or train anywhere.
This is only 1 example, she in recent months has ruined a holiday by refusing to leave the hotel room and then screaming at my dad when he went out by himself. She has got mad at him for going to the cinema with a friend while she was away on holiday with her friends. The list goes on.
My dad is losing weight, he's working more when he should be working less cause she refuses to use her pension for bills. I'm really worried about him as he gets older.
I want to just tell him to leave her but I don't know if it's really my place to say anything.

Woman's Aid do support men (in our area anyway), but the face to face freedom programme is just for women. Don't see why he couldn't do the online though. Or read some of the books recommended for women in abusive relationships

Ask him what advice he would give you if you had gone to him and said that your DP had treated you this way? Then encourage him to see that he is worth no less and should follow his own advice.

Funny how if it was a man it would be abuse but for a woman all sorts of excuses.
My dad was the same and put it all on her OCD . But that all went to the wall when she wanted/had to do something. Plus I know lots if people with mental disorders but they access help so they dont end up abusing

If he knows how you feel about the situation but wobt change anything then unfortunately there is nothing you can do

As a PP said, people with personality disorders can adjust their behaviour around certain people if they think it will benefit them. It's a classic narcissistic trait to present a positive image in the community, but be abusive at home when the natural impulses come out. Personality disorders can't be cured, and if that's what OP's mother has then the only healthy way to deal with it is to limit contact and put boundaries in place.

This is a very good website OP and some of it might ring true for you:
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

It's very common for women like this to have a nice, quiet, enabling husband who puts up with their crap. Generally they have their own issues too, as an emotionally healthy person would not put up with such bad behaviour in a relationship.

RedHelenB are you reading the same thread? Literally everybody has said she’s abusive. There’s just not much anyone can do about it except try to persuade OP’s DF to leave her. The same would be true if the genders were reversed.

Op, you should make a safeguarding referral to their local County Council. They are both "adults at risk of harm". Your dad due to your mum's violence and your mum's mental health issues are not being treated.

I would also contact your mum's go to pass on the facts about her behaviour towards your dad. She may be being treated for depression, but I would guess she is not being honest about her aggressive behaviour.

The best help you give your dad is to get outside agencies involved to support him. Don't keep your mum's secret for her.

Mum's GP, not mum's go!