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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving husband for kids

101 replies

HW89 · 26/06/2019 23:42

First post so please be nice I just need advise!!
DH is step to 2 eldest who are 8&9 and we have another together who is 1. Together for over 7yrs but I hate how strict he is, not just older 2 but all of them. If they leave rubbish from sweets on table, grounded for a week, if they leave empty glasses then they have to hand wash them. I love him dearly, but we parent differently. Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits? Kids are in resentment mode and it’s causing problems. Different upbringings, as a child he had to do lots of chores, I never touched a thing as my parents did it for me. Maybe I’m just spoilt and I’m enforcing this on my kids?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 27/06/2019 00:02

Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits?

Not really...not at 8 and 9 op. If you don't teach them to clean up after themselves then you will be doing it for them at 15 and then you'll wonder why they're so useless.

BUT...grounded for a week for leaving rubbish on the table?

That's FAR too extreme.

Iwrotethissongfor · 27/06/2019 00:08

Grounded for a week for leaving sweet wrappers on the table? That’s not normal. Sounds like a bully high on his power ordering everyone about making them miserable. My stepmum would never have grounded me for anything it would be my dad’s job as the parent, why is he dishing out all the discipline? What does their dad say about it? I’d not be happy if my ex’s partner was taking it upon himself to over-punish my children at their home and that it all sounded fraught and unhappy.

Washing your glasses up after you/putting them in the dishwasher for 8 and 8 year old sounds normal. But he’s not.

flumpybear · 27/06/2019 00:09

Woman up! Tell him
No, he's far too strict! Come up with sensible schemes of how to teach children these types of thing

Fairyjuice · 27/06/2019 00:12

I agree with henny. Kids should tidy up after themselves, but your husband's 'punishments' are totally ott.

Question is, why are you letting him do it? If you don't agree with his parenting style then what does he say/do when you raise the issue? Have you tried standing up for your kids?

NotSoSorry · 27/06/2019 00:12

Grounded for a week for leaving sweet wrappers once accidently or grounded for a week for never picking up after themselves when asked to and the sweet wrappers was the last straw?

No, parents shouldn't be picking up after their children all the time. It does them no favours and does nothing for their independence. You do sound as if you were spoilt/pandered to as a child.

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/06/2019 00:13

You need to sit down and have a very long talk about parenting.

edgeofheaven · 27/06/2019 00:14

He sounds strict but you seem to want to coddle your DCs. As a parent you need to prepare them for life - doing everything for them won’t help. Is counseling or parenting classes for both of you an option? Because if you leave him the DCs will still spend time with him and he’ll be strict at his house.

needsomesleepy · 27/06/2019 00:15

Strict? He sounds like an absolute cunt.

I don't agree that it's your job to pick up after them though. It seems they are being harshly punished because you haven't taught them basic tidying.

Get rid of him. Teach your kids not to leave a mess behind them.

xxxCheshireMumxxX · 27/06/2019 00:18

didn't want to read & run. My partner is really strict as a step/father figure to my DD same age so I know how you feel & wanted to leave a hug!

NotSoSorry · 27/06/2019 00:21

@HW89 Please elaborate on the grounding situation. What was the lead up? How was it handled?

GabsAlot · 27/06/2019 00:26

Dont pick up after yur kids you'll turn them into entitled brats

Userplusnumbers · 27/06/2019 00:27

On face value OP - your DH isn't being unreasonable in his expectations. There's no reason an 8&9 yar old should be leaving sweet wrappers lying around (most two year old can manage to put things in the bin), and there's no reason for them not to be able to rinse a glass out - it's good for them to take responsibility for their part in the household

However, his reactions to those expectations not being met is unreasonable, so unless there's a massive drip feed coming, you need to both sit down together and agree an approach as a family

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2019 00:33

You're both wrong. Sorry.

Your expectations are wrong and not conducive to raising effective adults. 8 and 9 year olds can absolutely clear up after themselves, with a little prompting. No chores and no expectations isn't in their best interests.

But his punishments are insane. A WEEK of grounding? Ridiculous. Natural consequences and quick. Give them a chance to fix the issue before consequences kick in. Handwashing a glass sounds better than grounding. DD would quite enjoy that.

Lizzie3869 · 27/06/2019 00:42

At 8&9, your DC should definitely be tidying up behind themselves and you're doing them no favours by not training them to do this. Having said that, your DH's punishments are ridiculous and you shouldn't allow him to impose them on your DC.

Strokethefurrywall · 27/06/2019 00:49

FFS meet somewhere in the middle!

Why on earth do you do every little thing for your kids? They're 8 & 9!

My kids are 7&5 and know that they need to tidy their shit away, I'm not a skivvy and neither are you!

So start enforcing some boundaries around tidiness and perhaps tell your DH to tone it the fuck down.

RonaldMcDonald · 27/06/2019 00:52

You aren’t leaving him for your kids.
You are thinking about leaving him due to lack of communication and respect in the relationship. The children are the symptom, not the cause.

SimplySteveRedux · 27/06/2019 01:16

I think it'd be worth you both doing the Triple P (or whatever it's called nowadays) parenting course. You are at opposite extremes.

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 03:43

Pretty sure an 8 and a 9yo could and SHOULD pick up after themselves. But for your dh to ground them for it?! Wtf
Your both in the wrong here. Talk about it
Print out some online advice on "punishments" that you can try on the kids
Eg instead of grounding for a week just cut of the wifi for an hour or something Wink.
Talk with one another. Sort it out

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 27/06/2019 03:49

Op this needs sorting now. As your Dcs get older their behaviour will annoy him more and conflict between you will increase. You will feel like you are constantly having to protect them from him. Try to agree a way forward or get out!

ChilliScallops · 27/06/2019 04:10

Sounds like my dad and brother. Leave him so that he stops bullying your kids.

bellabasset · 27/06/2019 04:31

You need to be firmer and he needs to lighten up.

Do you get on together seeing you have such opposing views?

Mary1935 · 27/06/2019 04:44

Hi HW - how is your partner with you - is he abusive or unreasonable in any way. Do the children see there own Dad?
Are the children scared of him, can they talk to him, is he loving and caring, does he tell them he loves them and is he kind to them.
His expectations appear reasonable but the consequences are too high.
Yes they should be cleaning up after themselves, but the odd lapse is ok too.
He sounds rigid and do you think you can talk to him about becoming more flexible.
Did he have an abusive upbringing? He will have learnt from this (wrongly) - be mindful for your children if they are treading on eggshells and acting and reacting with fear.
My father was abusive and it leaves a lot of damage.
Rigid individuals can have real trouble when children and teenagers start becoming independent and challenging.
Put your children first.
Please look up abusive behaviour - also look at the Freedom programme. I’m not saying he abusive to you but he has “expectations” maybe you always meet his so there is no problem.
How does he handle conflict with you?

PregnantSea · 27/06/2019 04:49

My mother was like this with me. I hated but tbf I grew into an extremely tidy and polite adult.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 27/06/2019 05:33

If my kids left sweet wrappers on the table, they would be sent Mack to remove them. Grounding them is ludicrous.

I don’t think hand washing a glass is a hardship though so you are making a rod for your own back running around for them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/06/2019 05:53

Have you tried talking to him about parenting together and meeting in the middle? When dh is wrong with dd or vis versa, we pull the other one up. I don’t believe in standing by the other persons decision when it is wrong. Don’t you say something when he metes out these ridiculous punishments or prevent them from happening?