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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving husband for kids

101 replies

HW89 · 26/06/2019 23:42

First post so please be nice I just need advise!!
DH is step to 2 eldest who are 8&9 and we have another together who is 1. Together for over 7yrs but I hate how strict he is, not just older 2 but all of them. If they leave rubbish from sweets on table, grounded for a week, if they leave empty glasses then they have to hand wash them. I love him dearly, but we parent differently. Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits? Kids are in resentment mode and it’s causing problems. Different upbringings, as a child he had to do lots of chores, I never touched a thing as my parents did it for me. Maybe I’m just spoilt and I’m enforcing this on my kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
HW89 · 27/06/2019 09:21

They aren’t bad kids, lazy yes... but that’s my doing. It just doesn’t seem to matter what the consequences are, having screen time removed, losing treats for a week, being grounded for a week... they deal with whatever punishment they are given and then do the same thing again straight away! It’s always ‘oh I forgot sorry’ and then they will do as you have asked but it’s the asking the same things on a daily basis, more than once a day sometimes that is frustrating!

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 27/06/2019 09:22

I think your DH is right - if the kids are being asked several times to do something and it's not happening then there should be consequences. You are doing them no favours by pandering to them and being their skivvy. I have 2 boys, aged 4 & 9. The 4 year old puts things in the bin, makes his bed, puts his laundry away (with help so it ends up in the right place!) The 9 year old loads and unloads the dishwasher, irons his school uniform, cleans out the guinea pigs, makes his bed, tidies his own room, helps in the garden with weeding & grass cutting, sometimes he even makes dinner (under supervision obviously). It's your job to make your children into capable adults.

thedevondumpling · 27/06/2019 09:23

Dont pick up after yur kids you'll turn them into entitled brats Do you have any evidence for that? I parented like the OP, my kids are all adults, all have good qualifications, good jobs, nice homes, lovely partners, great children and good friends. I don't believe picking up after kids turns them into brats and my experience says it isn't necessarily so.

ScatteredMama82 · 27/06/2019 09:23

Just a thought - could you get a whiteboard and write on it a list of chores for each of them. That way they can't say they forgot, and if you make it a habit then they will eventually get used to it.

ddl1 · 27/06/2019 09:23

I think that asking them to handwash their own glasses is not too unreasonable, provided that they've been shown how to do it. But grounding for a week for leaving sweet papers around is altogether too much (to say that they can't go out till they've picked everything up would be reasonable, but for a week?) If the only area of excessive strictness is this one, then I think that it would be an overreaction to leave just because of this. However, if it is just one example of general authoritarianism and punitiveness, that's another matter. Perhaps the bottom line is: how do your children seem to react to him. If they are fond of him and get along well with him despite his 'fussiness' on a few issues, then I don''t think it would be wise to break up (unless there are other problems in your relationship), and might even lead to the children feeling guilty over the break-up. But if they seem to dislike him or especially to be afraid of him, that is a big red flag.

Porpoises · 27/06/2019 09:32

Are they genuinely well-meaning but just forgetting? If so, help them find ways to remember. E.g. a list of chores, a tidy up time each day, or a set of habits ("before we go upstairs we check the table is clear"). Ask them what they think would help. Punishment won't solve genuine forgetfulness.

If they are actually deliberately ignoring what they are told to do, then that's different.

GabsAlot · 27/06/2019 09:37

I do have experience of seeing it my dsis wasnt told to do anything then went out in the world like a child in some ways she still is

Jux · 27/06/2019 09:52

Children always say "everyone else has one" or "nobody else has to do that".

What they mean is "someone in my class has one" and "I have no idea what my friends do".

Took me a few years to realise that Blush

Meowington · 27/06/2019 12:18

Surely the type of parents you are is a very important discussion you have before deciding to have a child together?? Hmm

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 27/06/2019 12:42

Sounds like you need to learn how to parent OP.

NotSoSorry · 27/06/2019 13:11

You're OP is misleading, your husband isn't grounding your children because they've innocently left sweet wrappers accidently, he's grounding them for repeatedly not listening to adult instructions. That's rude and they deserve to be grounded IMO.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/06/2019 14:46

so they're not learning from the consequences you've been using.
they know they're going to get back whatever you've taken away, either after the punishment ends- or you give in because you and dh are not on the same page.
they're kids being kids, and they know how to play the adults Grin

defiance is natural, but you and dh need to agree on how to manage discipline.
they'll be rebellious teens soon, so think ahead and discuss strategies, try them all and see what works.
It's not a competition so don't let it turn into one.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/06/2019 18:53

thedevondumpling

I don't believe picking up after kids turns them into brats and my experience says it isn't necessarily so.

I agree that not picking up after your kids won't turn them in to entitled brats.

But it does make them a pain in the arse for other people to look after, teach and take on trips.

Yabbers · 27/06/2019 19:15

parented like the OP, my kids are all adults, all have good qualifications, good jobs, nice homes, lovely partners

Do you have boys? Do they expect their partners to do all the housework?

BlueSuffragette · 27/06/2019 19:18

You sound too soft and DH too strict. You need to find a happy medium and both be consistent. That way your children will benefit.

ddl1 · 27/06/2019 19:55

I would add that I think that having their parents quarrel repeatedly about them is likely to be much more damaging to the children than their father being a bit too strict about chores or tidiness (as well as obviously not being good for you or your dh or the marriage). I think that it's important to come to some sort of agreement, whether you think it's the absolutely ideal one or not.

Original poster
HW89 · 27/06/2019 22:44

Ok thanks guys... so we now have 4 whiteboards with a list of chores for each of us on them, minus the baby obvs! I do want to say also that me and dh don’t argue in front of kids, or hardly at all really it’s more silent frustration but we are very conscious of kids picking up on tension so we sometimes play ‘hey sweetie how’s your day’ when maybe we don’t feel like it. Anyhow I am hopeful we can work through this with a lot of change on my part and also some on dh. Feeling positive about things, marriage isn’t easy.. but I will damn sure to give it everything I’ve got. Thanks again you have all helped xx

OP posts:
homeishere · 27/06/2019 22:54

So they’re not being grounded for leaving a sweet wrapper on the table then. They’re being grounded for ignoring a reasonable request multiple times. Then you swan in and do it for them totally undermining your DH.

Sounds like he might benefit from a divorce.

Original poster
HW89 · 27/06/2019 22:59

@homeishere I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate people taking the time to read and comment, it’s helped me a lot ... but actually I think your comments are just you trying to be an ass hole. If your just looking through threads to want to leave people shitty comments when they are only asking for advice, then please don’t comment on mine again.

OP posts:
MrsDumpty · 27/06/2019 23:01

Sorry to be rude but did you not notice this before having a child with him?

Notashandyta · 27/06/2019 23:04

If you can talk, the two extremes can surely meet in the middle to find a happy medium. Higher expectations than you have, but with far less harsh punishments for getting it wrong!

homeishere · 27/06/2019 23:18

I’m sorry you feel that way OP. But your op stated he’s a great husband/dad but strict (in your opinion) and grounds hem for leaving a sweet wrapper on the table (which would be a bit psycho). You then drip feed that that isn’t the case, and essentially reveal that you undermine his parenting.

YABU, he is trying to do the job of two parents. Start backing him up and taking the lead in disciplining your children.

Not for being a bit messy (the majority of 8 year olds are) but for not listening to reasonable requests to tidy up/do chores etc.

But yes...I’m the asshole.

Original poster
HW89 · 27/06/2019 23:53

@homeishere I get the other comments... I think your right, I have previously said I will have to put the most work in.

SOUNDS LIKE HE MIGHT BENEFIT FROM A DIVORCE

Just seems a bit assholish to me. Maybe not. Maybe I’m wrong again, but thanks for reading and commenting just please remember to be kind to others we are all only human!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/06/2019 07:37

Did your husband think maybe he was a bit harsh? Has he agreed to the new strategy?

Sceptre86 · 28/06/2019 08:29

He's a bit too strict and you're too soft. Expecting your kids to tidy up their own mess is the very least they should be doing but grounding for a week is too harsh unless they have repeatedly ignored his instructions. I would expect the kids to be able to clear their dinner plates, put in sink and wipe the table down by now. My nearly 2 year old puts wrappers in the bin so I don't see why you wouldn't encourage your 8 and 9 year old too. It is important to make kids feel part of the household, the home belongs to all of you so you all help to keep it clean. Doing everything for them is making a rod for your own back, at 15 they don't magically learn to clean up after themselves, they need to be taught!

With regards to your partner if you want him to be involved in your kids upbringing then you need to discuss both of your expectations of the kids and meet in the middle. However, if you would prefer to make your own rules for your kids and for him to butt out then you need to make that clear either way a discussion is needed.