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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to consider leaving husband for kids

101 replies

HW89 · 26/06/2019 23:42

First post so please be nice I just need advise!!
DH is step to 2 eldest who are 8&9 and we have another together who is 1. Together for over 7yrs but I hate how strict he is, not just older 2 but all of them. If they leave rubbish from sweets on table, grounded for a week, if they leave empty glasses then they have to hand wash them. I love him dearly, but we parent differently. Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits? Kids are in resentment mode and it’s causing problems. Different upbringings, as a child he had to do lots of chores, I never touched a thing as my parents did it for me. Maybe I’m just spoilt and I’m enforcing this on my kids?

OP posts:

SimonJT · 27/06/2019 06:00

My four year old puts his rubbish in the bin and washes his cups (in his own fashion).

He may be being reasonable, he may not, if the sweet wrappers are a one off he is, but if they are constantly leaving things laying around, I can understand grounding as a last resort.

pictish · 27/06/2019 06:07

I make my kids put their wrappers in the bin if they leave them lying around because it’s lazy and entitled not to and don’t see it as my job to pick up after them. It certainly isn’t worth a week’s grounding...unless there’s more to it, like he has asked them not to leave rubbish for other people to pick up numerous times and they’re ignoring him...or they’re rude or uncooperative about cleaning up their own rubbish. Then I could see a build up may result in a grounding.

Yes to a few chores as well by the way. Light manageable things are fine to ask of them. My kids empty the dishwasher, do the recycling, collect and put their own washing away, hoover communal areas and tidy their stuff away in their rooms etc. Contributing is a life skill and they should be taught it.

You don’t say if it’s a case of knee jerk bullying to ground them...or if it’s the result of him asking them not to leave rubbish lying around and being ignored.

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/06/2019 06:25

HW89

Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits?

When I take kids out on school trips you can tell which one's parents believe this.

huuskymam · 27/06/2019 06:36

Grounding a child for not putting rubbish in the bin is a bit OTT. My 9 year old dumps things everywhere, but gets a gentle reminder to clean it up.

What's he going to be like when they're messy teenagers.

RedHelenB · 27/06/2019 06:38

Does he love them and show then this? You can be a strict parent but still living. Is he?

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 06:44

It sounds like you’re both at extreme ends of the spectrum. Grounding kids for leaving sweet wrappers around is OTT in my opinion, but so is believing it’s a parents job to pick up after their kids, or that parents should do everything for them.

You should try to agree an approach that is in the middle. Your kids should have a defined list of chores that they do daily / weekly (things like making their beds, loading the dishwasher and picking up after themselves every day, and then things like dusting / hoovering / weeding or whatever weekly). They should also be responsible for generally tidying up after themselves - but with a less severe punishment for forgetting, and perhaps a reward chart to positively motivate them too.

You’re setting your kids up to be decent, responsible adults who know how to look after themselves by making them contribute to keeping the house clean and tidy but I agree you need to find a solution which doesn’t involve onerous punishment that makes them resentful.

cocomelon23 · 27/06/2019 06:59

You're both wrong.

KatherineJaneway · 27/06/2019 07:05

Grounding them for a week is too much but they definitely should always clean up after themselves and not leave glasses and sweet wrappers etc lying around.

It’s our job to pick up their bits?

No, it's not. They are old enough to clear up after themselves.

amyboo · 27/06/2019 07:17

My kids (3,6 & 9) have to put their empty plates, bowls etc in the kitchen, and the eldest 2 have to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. They might be kids, but they can clear up after themselves quite easily! I don't want them to grow into teenagers who can't be bothered to think of anyone but themselves. FWIW, we also have a small chores rota - feeding the pets, emptying the dishwasher, setting/clearing the table. Even the youngest joins in with what she can manage, and they each get pocket money if they've done their jobs/been helpful. It's taken away for bad behaviour - fighting, name calling, etc.

I think your DH's actions are a bit extreme, but then I think you're also being ridiculous by saying they're kids and they shouldn't be expected to do stuff like put away a glass...

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 07:17

I think you are both being unreasonable. It's not your job as parents to run round picking up after the kids - they need to learn to respect their space and keep it tidy. But equally, grounding for a week for some sweet wrappers left out if way OTT.

Having to wash up a glass or two is fine.

Can you try and reach some kind of middle ground with your husband where you support lesser punishments - and agree on what they are in advance. It's no good him just grounding willy nilly, especially for so long. The punishment needs to be appropriate. So the kids get a time where they are allowed sweets. If the wrappers remain out after a reminder, next time they don't get the sweets.

If you and your husband can agree on that and communicate it to the children and stick to it then that could hopefully mitigate things?

Things like that.

scubadive · 27/06/2019 07:20

Yes you should leave him before it gets worse and whilst the children are still young. He is a bully and control freak, can you imagine the clashes when they are teens, it doesn’t bear thinking about and they will be especially resentful as he is their step dad. You will be stuck in the middle and it will cause huge rifts, seen it so many times, also loads of threads on here. Don’t let another man treat your children in a way you don’t like. You need to put your children first.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2019 07:23

I agree with others - they should definitely be made to help keep the FAMILY home tidy, you shouldn't be picking up after them all the time ffs, how will they ever learn to look after themselves? Far too many people who don't lift a finger in their childhood (and I'm not saying you, OP, but there are still many, many) who then go on to have larger than sensible expectations of how life should treat them when they're older, and who think other people should clean up after them.

BUT. His "disciplining" is way over-reactive - unless you're not telling the whole story. Was it a last ditch attempt after they'd refused and refused and refused to clear up? Or was it the first "go-to" response to the sweet wrappers being there?
If it's the first response then obviously it's ridiculous. But if he'd asked them and asked them and warned them that they'd be grounded and they STILL didn't do it - then it's more reasonable and it's not so much about the sweet wrappers per se, but about their intransigence and refusal to help or do as they're asked.

Hand washing glasses they've refused to put in the dishwasher is a perfectly acceptable response though.

yearinyearout · 27/06/2019 07:24

He is being over the top with his punishments but you are being ridiculous. It's perfectly acceptable to expect kids to clear up after themselves and should be encouraged. If you carry on thinking it's your job to pick up everything after them you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of entitled and brattish behaviour.

DoctorDread · 27/06/2019 07:28

PLEASE teach your children to be functioning human beings who don't grow up into the kind of entitled lazy adults we hear of so many times on Mumsnet!

Your H is way over the top so you need to find a middle ground.

And I hope they don't think discarding their rubbish wherever they feel like it when out and about is ok?

jay55 · 27/06/2019 07:29

What does grounding actually mean to 8&9 year olds? It isn't like they go out independently. Is it no tv? No outside activities?

cakecakecheese · 27/06/2019 07:37

I am guessing the harsh punishments are down to just being cheesed off with the kids leaving their stuff everywhere but if he is genuinely being too strict then he does need to tone it down a bit.

Chores are an essential part of growing up imo. It teaches kids they have to earn their money as well as how to function independently. As a student I lived with people who had no idea how to even turn on a washing machine. If you don't start teaching them to pick up their stuff etc now then in twenty years their partners will be on here complaining that their OH never does anything around the house!

Tiredtessy · 27/06/2019 07:55

He would be gone, this isn’t healthy for your children to grow up around, yes tidy up after yourself but that is controlling bullying punishment. Sounds like my ‘father’ we don’t have any contact and I would never speak to him ever again, controlling abusive bully

Ncusername · 27/06/2019 07:59

What Ronald said.

This isn't really just about how he is with the kids, is it? If he's a controlling person and you feel he dominates you and overrides your wishes and opinions, then that's something you have to tackle for the sake of your own self-esteem and sanity. And as another poster said, if his behaviour is a hangover from a dysfunctional/abusive upbringing, it really won't be easy.

But if you value the family unit you've put 7 yrs work into, and the life you've built together has positive aspects and makes you and your children happy in other ways, then it's worth fighting for. The parenting thing is just a symptom of the root problem, and it will resolve naturally if you're able to restore the balance in your relationship. Good luck, OP. Been there, done that and it's hard - I genuinely understand why you'd consider leaving now to be the easier option - but in my case it was worth it overall

LemonBreeland · 27/06/2019 08:05

As others have said you are both at opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't believe in your way of doing things, but I also think your H is incredibly harsh with the grounding.

codemonkey · 27/06/2019 08:15

You sound at opposite ends of the parenting style spectrum. Personally I'd choose too lax over too strict but how about you try to meet in the middle?

Gwenhwyfar · 27/06/2019 08:21

"I don’t think hand washing a glass is a hardship though "

Well yes, or did most of you grow up with dishwashers.
I was laughing at this as a 'punishment'.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/06/2019 08:23

Gwen me too! We don;t have a dishwasher still!

TellMeStraightSir · 27/06/2019 08:26

It’s our job to pick up their bits?

I never touched a thing as my parents did it for me

These two statements are way out. In my mind you're just as bad as he is but at the opposite end of the scale.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with children that age being expected to clean up after themselves or rinse out a glass.

These aren't punishments, they are general acts of courtesy and respect when living in a household with other people and honestly I think it's failing on your part not to ensure that you teach it.

That being said, your H sounds like he maybe takes it too far so I'd try and meet somewhere in the middle.

PerfectPeony2 · 27/06/2019 08:27

As someone who had a stepdad who was a bully I say leave him. I couldn’t do anything right and I recent my Mum for it- lost out on a lot of my childhood because of his behaviour!

Original poster

HW89 · 27/06/2019 08:28

Thanks guys... just to be clear it is not an abusive relationship in the slightest. He is a fantastic dad who shows love and provides everything that they need, and me too but the children are probably caught in the middle of me being too soft and him being too strict. They don’t get told to move rubbish once, they get told a thousand times and in the end I give up and just do it and he gets pissed and grounds them?! They love him, but he is the disciplinarian and so he is always bad cop... this is because I pick my battles and let lots of things slide. The DC father has told them that step dad is too strict and they should be allowed to be kids while they are young so that hasn’t helped, when they are at his house they wouldn’t ever hear the word no.

OP posts:

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