AIBU to consider leaving husband for kids

[HW89]

First post so please be nice I just need advise!!
DH is step to 2 eldest who are 8&9 and we have another together who is 1. Together for over 7yrs but I hate how strict he is, not just older 2 but all of them. If they leave rubbish from sweets on table, grounded for a week, if they leave empty glasses then they have to hand wash them. I love him dearly, but we parent differently. Kids are kids surely? It’s our job to pick up their bits? Kids are in resentment mode and it’s causing problems. Different upbringings, as a child he had to do lots of chores, I never touched a thing as my parents did it for me. Maybe I’m just spoilt and I’m enforcing this on my kids?

They don’t get told to move rubbish once, they get told a thousand times and in the end I give up and just do it and he gets pissed and grounds them?!

Honestly, this changes my few completely. I think your H is right and you need to back him up more so it isn't always good cop Vs bad cop.

I think you're both wrong. I've had difficult times with DH over the years as his DM did everything for him, so he thinks it's 'normal' for me to do the same. Tidying up after us is not someone else's job. BUT - your DH is going too far. Such a harsh punishment for a reasonably trivial - and easily remedied - thing means you don't have anywhere to go for worse 'crimes', IYKWIM. DH was a bit heavy handed years ago: if DS didn't put away his toys he would say 'right if you don't do XYZ I'm going to bin all your toys'. FFS!! We spoke about it and he's much more reasonable now. If my DS leaves sweet wrappers lying around, he is told to bin them quickly or he just won't get any more sweets. Does the trick.

Woops *view

Just your update … stop giving them sweets. That will be more of a punishment to them!

they get told a thousand times and in the end I give up and just do it

this is because I pick my battles and let lots of things slide.

The DC father... when they are at his house they wouldn’t ever hear the word no.

Thank goodness for their step dad, at least someone is parenting them and following through with consequences for their behaviour.

His punishments are to harsh but your very lenient.

My kids are 7.5 years and 2.5 years old and know to put rubbish in the bin. The toddler also puts his morning nappy in the bin (only uses them at night), they both put away there own toys. Eldest has to put his dishes in the dishwasher, make his bed, strip it when it needs washed, tidy his own room, put away his school stuff and help with his lunch bag. They both put clothes etc in the washing basket. If we don’t teach them to tidy up after themselves nobody else will.

Can you find a middle ground somewhere? I.e a chore reward chart that they have to do certain things.

I'm not voting on his. One is too strict and the other too lax. There's a happy medium. Hubby needs to loosen up and you should not be so indulgent. The kids need to learn to pick up after themselves - you are doing them no favours by acting as a servant.

I wonder if he is just trying to make them learn now while young because they won't listen to you...

I do want to be stricter with them but I guess I’m scared of other people thinking we are the only ones making the kids do chores but from reading the response on here I am wrong and it’s a majority of kids that have to help and I’ve been in the minority growing up. I do appreciate the comments, I think it’s me that needs to change before our whole family goes to pot!

Kids should tidy up after themselves, but your husband's 'punishments' are totally ott.

But have you tried talking to him about it? Didn't you talk about discipline and how you both felt about bringing up dc when he moved in?

Your dc are probably totally confused by all the conflicting messages they're getting. They're old enough that they can do chores. And they sound rude and lazy if they ignore repeated reqyests to tidy up after themselves.

Why worry about what other people think?? You all have to set up rules that make your household a pleasant place to live in with everyone doing their bit to help.

You both need to agree an approach that is consistent and mutually supportive as well as reinforcing.

It requires both of you to change what you are doing right now. For the sake of all relationships concerned.

At 8 and 9 they should have their own tasks/responsibilities. It’s part of bringing up children.

However, your DH is a bully, and you are allowing it. Children need to see a unity so you need to both sit down and discuss REASONABLE consequences for not completing their chores/misbehaving. What they don’t need is seeing mum going against dad (or step dad) arguing about it and visa versa. This will only end up in children playing you off against each other. But under no circumstances would I allow grounding for a week for not moving sweet wrappers.

Clearing away after yourself isn't really a chore though is it in the way that dusting, vacuuming etc is.

It's as much about respect for others & the home by not leaving your crap about.

Aren't they expected to put their toys away even?

other people thinking we are the only ones making the kids do chores

Chores were just a fact of life when I was growing up. I'm fairly certain they were for the majority of my friends as well.

Our DC have to do them in our home now too. It's preparation for them being adults one day.

It takes ten seconds to put something in the bin and maybe a minute to rinse a glass, plenty of time left to 'be a child' still.

If your DH does this once . I am interested to know how often it has asked in the past for them to tidy up...
They did it once.. he is wrong
They don't do it once a week . He is wrong
Everyday... Bit wrong..
All the time ... He inbuf.

I agree with the poster who says you need to be stricter and he needs to lighten up. Ie. You need to enforce the kids picking up rubbish etc, and his punishments should be less draconian. Make sure you are both singing off the same hymn sheet.

Have a conversation with dh and lay down some ground rules, which you can both adhere and agree to. You both need to compromise and accept elements of the other parenting style.

Agree with what has been said so far.

When you do talk to your DH about this, one point I’d like to make. He’s grounding them for leaving sweet wrappers around the house. If god forbid they do something genuinely bad, like not coming home at the time they’ve been told to, bullying another child, what’s he going to do then? By dishing out groundings for such a minor thing he’s left himself with absolutely nowhere else to go.

You both need to be on the same page so the kids know where they stand.

So, he doesn't ground them because it happens once. It's because they constantly ignore requests to put their rubbish in the bin? So - defiance?

You need to back him up (it's not fair always being made to be the 'bad guy'), set some reasonable rules regarding clearing away their stuff and then helping others. And explain that their father's rules apply in his house and your rules apply in yours.

you are undermining him really, and makig him have to be bad cop so you can have the glory of being good cop. Surely there is a balance so you can all be happy and the children know you are a united front and have some boundaries?

Handwashing a glass! Quel horreur! I think they should call the NSPCC!

Meanwhile in the real world where most people don't have dishwashers and do the washing up, grounding for a week sounds extreme, but what was the lead up? Because if it's "for the first time ever they left sweet wrappers on the table" then that's ridiculous, but if there's been a long and frustrating process of trying to get them to pick up after themselves and previous consequences have not taught them to do so, then that's a lot more understandable, although a week is extreme.

Your attitude is on the other end of the scale and if you continue like this you will raise lazy and entitled children who have no respect for themselves or other people.

Sounds like you need to be consistent between you. Why would they do a chore if there's a 50% chance mum will cave and do it for them? You are teaching them to ignore you both.

I agree, it’s not being grounded for leaving sweet wrappers on the table. It’s being grounded for ignoring him (and you?) and, therefore, being defiant. Banning sweets for a week might be a more closely related punishment, but it’s not quite what you made it out to be in your OP.

Agree on a set of rules and consequences in the middle ground? I can't help but admire his sticking to rules (as it can often be easier to pick up after kids to save time and whining, but it won't help long term) but the punishments you describe for the misdemeanours are too harsh.

I know it's difficult, but personally I feel that you really need to stand up for your children, against OTT authoritarianism.
Kids need guidance and rules and need to learn manners, tidiness etc, but to me, extreme punishments and rigidity are counterproductive. (Though I also don't agree with your approach of doing everything for them, they need to learn to do things themselves.)
Unfortunately your children may grow up to resent not just him, but also you, if you don't step in to defend them.
Maybe have a talk with DH away from the kids? try to get him to cut the kids some slack? What is he like as a person/father generally?

I think he is very OTT grounding them for a week for sweet wrappers but sont understand what is wrong with hand washing a glass? I thinks it's good to teach children that they are part of a family and to contribute to that by washing up and some chores otherwise you can set them up to fail at being a good housemate or partner at a later date when they just sit on their bums and wat h others do it. But he sounds like a pain in the bum.