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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband goes to bar

115 replies

Flora1926 · 26/06/2019 15:22

For the past 20 years every night after work my husband goes to the same bar and stays for 5 hours, he doesn't arrive home drunk, but as we are getting older it is really bothering me, I stay home waiting.
I don't have money to go out myself and it us starting to affect my health. He doesn't care what that I am alone every night. I am starting to so angry inside of me, HELP

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 26/06/2019 17:35

I don't get what you would love about him.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/06/2019 17:35

And, why don't you have money for yourself?

Purpleartichoke · 26/06/2019 17:36

The last time I asked my mother to
Leave my dad, her response was that she had been married to him for 46 years and she couldn’t change her life now. She was in a situation that was more abuse than just indifference.

I understand it isn’t always possible to leave, especially if the problem
Is that life just isn’t fulfilling. You will get plenty of advice to leave, so I’m going to give advice on what to do if you stay.

First, you should have access to money. How is it that he can afford the bar every night but you can’t afford any kind of social life? This is a big deal. You should have access to discretionary spending money too.

You need to start building a life for yourself. Where I live there are all sorts of free or inexpensive activities for people who are 50+. There are also lots of free or inexpensive activities for the general populace. Get online and find out what your area offers. There are lecture series, crafting groups, exercise classes. There is something out there for every interest. My mom played mah jong, joined a knitting club, volunteered at a local thrift store, was in a book club, and joined a group for women to just go out for a meal from time to time. Most of this was free or inexpensive.

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/06/2019 17:39

I don't suppose he's going to change now but I think you should start doing something for yourself - join a gym or exercise class, WI, book club or even an evening job. Sitting home alone until 10 or 11 at night when, presumably, he comes in and goes to bed is no good for you.

RedDogsBeg · 26/06/2019 17:43

OP, you have put up with this for 20 years, your husband has told you he is not prepared to change, he cares not one iota for the effect it has on you.

The only advice is to divorce him, or put up with it until either death or some other cause stops him and he will expect you to care for him if that happens even though he has no intention to care similarly for you.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 26/06/2019 17:45

You think you love him. But you dont. You dont see enough of him, to know who he is as a person at all.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/06/2019 17:50

Tell us about your weekends. This may sway the balance on whether to LTB/kick him out or not, e.g. he's an attentive, loving partner who does all the housework and takes you out, no expense spared and treats you like a princess.

Arnoldthecat · 26/06/2019 17:55

WTF...!!! Give him a surprise. Be out when he gets home...perhaps permanently..what age are you?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/06/2019 17:57

Can you elaborate OP so that people can understand how this has developed?

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 26/06/2019 17:59

Jesus H Christ! And in the words of Forrest Gump, And that’s all I have to say about that.

Birdrib · 26/06/2019 18:01

Shock it would have been cheaper for him to buy a pub and spend all of his time in it if he’s so determined to spend time away from home.

roundtable · 26/06/2019 18:06

I used to work in a pub. Plenty of men there with families that would be every night until closing. Plus most weekends. Home for meals and back out again. Saddos.

My bil is building up to this. Tells my d's he finishes at 6 but goes to a pub from about 4. Comes home, takes the dogs 'out for a walk'. Separately, for an hour each. The dogs try to go into the pub whenever you walk past. She knows, she ignores it. What a life.

He won't change op so you have to decide whether you can put up with it. I couldn't. Especially if he's drinking away all your money.

FriarTuck · 26/06/2019 18:12

I came on here expecting it to be a joke along the lines of 'husband walks into a bar, barman says...' Quite disappointed.

user1480880826 · 26/06/2019 18:21

Why don’t you have money to go out if he does? Married for 48 years but no joint finances?

Total nightmare. I just can’t believe this is a real post. Does he know you’re unhappy? Nothing will change if you don’t tell him.

5 hours EVERY NIGHT?! Are you sure he is where he says he is?

LannieDuck · 26/06/2019 18:27

I'm also wondering why you don't have money to do the things you want to do.

Your OH goes off to do the things he wants for 5 hours every night, you should have equal disposable cash to go off and do the things you want to do every night.

happyhillock · 26/06/2019 18:27

He's done it for 20 year's because you've allowed him to, bigger fool you

imsuchagrump · 26/06/2019 18:31

He's at the bar every night for 5 hours for 20 years his liver must be pickled!! How is he not dead ?

creamofcarnation · 26/06/2019 18:51

So, are you both late 60's/early 70's - if you've been married 48 years ?

CaptainMyCaptain · 26/06/2019 19:09

I doubt if the OP will come back as more than half the responses have been blaming her for having a problem rather than suggesting anything useful … as usual.

Greatnamebtw · 26/06/2019 19:19

What are you hoping to get from this thread OP? Maybe people can then advise you accordingly.
It would be good if people bear in mind that the OP might be in her late 60s/early 70s.

19lottie82 · 26/06/2019 19:24

I don't know why everyone is screaming troll at the OP. I used to work in a pub and there were lots of blokes like this who would be there every night just chatting with mates. Not necessarily alcoholics

I worked in pubs for many years and I was about to post the exact same thing!

OP, have you asked him to change before?
I don’t think it would be fair to ask him to change completely after all this time, but if it bothers you try to work out a compromise where he spends time with you too. If he refuses then I’d say there’s a problem.

HisBetterHalf · 26/06/2019 19:36

why have you put up with this for 20 years?

NightFever · 26/06/2019 19:42

Does he have his dinner out every night or get it when he comes home?

cccameron · 26/06/2019 19:45

He's at the bar every night for 5 hours for 20 years his liver must be pickled!! How is he not dead

He's probably drinking less than alot of people on this thread who will come in from work and open a bottle of wine. Most of the blokes who did this in my pub would just chat to their mates over a couple of pints

Monsterinmypocket · 26/06/2019 19:47

OP, I really hope he isn't leading a double life. Is he definitely in the bar each night?

To be honest, if you go to the same bar every night for 20 years he must be pretty dull to be around. Are you sure you want to be with someone that uninspiring? Meet a nice new man who can take you interesting places and see a life beyond the same bar.