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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband goes to bar

115 replies

Flora1926 · 26/06/2019 15:22

For the past 20 years every night after work my husband goes to the same bar and stays for 5 hours, he doesn't arrive home drunk, but as we are getting older it is really bothering me, I stay home waiting.
I don't have money to go out myself and it us starting to affect my health. He doesn't care what that I am alone every night. I am starting to so angry inside of me, HELP

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 26/06/2019 16:47

I doubt he's going to change after so long. I think you should discuss how you really feel and it's getting you down.

If there's money in the pot for drinking every night, then why can't you have some for the odd night out or to join a club? Another option is for you to join him at the bar every now and again.

ComeAndDance · 26/06/2019 16:55

He is likely to be an alcoholic
And yes you are right, you have no life as you are waiting at home. No money because it’s spent in his drinks.
And if your dd is asking you why in earth you are still with him, then there are other massive issues going on.

I think that your DH not coming back home for another 5 hours is just the tip of the iceberg

FizzyGreenWater · 26/06/2019 16:57

Poison him and live happily ever after?

LiverpoolVictoria · 26/06/2019 16:58

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LiverpoolVictoria · 26/06/2019 17:01

That's £120,000 (!!!) over the 20 years, OP.

If this is serious and not a troll, honestly look at it like that!

Yappy12 · 26/06/2019 17:02

Okay from another man's viewpoint I think he's taking the proverbial with you. 5 hours, every working night? Then suppose he comes home ad goes to bed. Yes, a lot of men go for a drink in the evening but not every evening like that. He goes out, presumably spends a lot as you can't sit there so long with one drink. You're stuck at home. Have you ever suggested you go with him? He comes home after work, showers and you go out together? Maybe he has someone else.

PeoniesarePink · 26/06/2019 17:06

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MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 26/06/2019 17:08

Hi all,
Thanks to those who have reported in. We have decided to let this thread run (with all the usual caveats that we can never say for certain who anyone is, really) so we'll go through and delete the trollhunting now.

Slicedpineapple · 26/06/2019 17:08

I'd be annoyed about this after approximately 3 days, let alone 20 years. I really, really hope this isn't real.
If it is, it's probably too late to change him it now OP. 20 years is a long time.

Slicedpineapple · 26/06/2019 17:09

Is he definitely at the bar for 5 hours?

Can't you go with him a couple of nights a week? So you can get out as well? Does he know how unhappy you are?

aweedropofsancerre · 26/06/2019 17:10

so you love him but are fed up with him going to the pub without you every night. Doesn't sound like any kind of relationship at all and its taken you 20yrs to get upset? Dear god you have low expectations....life is too short to spend it with someone who clearly thinks only of himself

0DimSumMum0 · 26/06/2019 17:11

I think you need to wake up and start making a life for yourself. No one should have to put up with that sort of behaviour night in, night out. If he prefers the bar to coming home then leave him to it. You should be saying enough is enough now. You are worth more than this OP.

Yappy12 · 26/06/2019 17:11

I believe the OP as my uncle used to do the same many years ago. Went to the Working Men's Club every evening. So my auntie got her revenge. You'll love this one folks. She got a job behind the bar there!!!
Didn't tell him either. Should have seen his face when she was behind the bar and he thought she was at their son's house.

Cookit · 26/06/2019 17:12

Who does he go with?

Does he think this is normal?

How are your weekends?

What if you ask him to do something else on a weekday eg meet at a restaurant or go to the cinema or go for an evening walk, will be just say no because he’d prefer to be in the pub?

Wheresthebeach · 26/06/2019 17:18

20 years of never having an evening together? Dear God. Get out, of the relationship or the house!

Gazelda · 26/06/2019 17:21

I think you deserve better than this, don't you? Doesn't he?

ALongHardWinter · 26/06/2019 17:22

5 hours? Every night? Just,wow. Words fail me.

NotStayingIn · 26/06/2019 17:22

I’m finding this all a little bit hard to believe. But if this is true I would say you can’t change other people, only yourself. If you are no longer happy sitting at home waiting for him, make plans to do something else. You may well find that once you create a new life you may not want him in it anymore.

ginghamtablecloths · 26/06/2019 17:24

It's no life for you. Why do you stay with him? You are better off alone.

msmith501 · 26/06/2019 17:25

Go to the bar - pull up a seat and ask him to buy you a drink! And some crisps ! Introduce yourself to everyone and then tell him loudly that from now on it's either both of you out for a drink or neither of you . He's had it too good for long enough.

^ this

Illberidingshotgun · 26/06/2019 17:27

Do you know that he goes there every day, or is that what he tells you?

Do you ever go and join him?

Why don't you have any money to go out yourself? Are you still working? Does he spend all his and your money at the bar?

Putting aside the issue that you don't have any money (and he is presumably spending a reasonable amount each week on this) you could still see friends in the evenings - do you have a decent social circle?

cccameron · 26/06/2019 17:30

Love that story Yappy12 Grin

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/06/2019 17:30

I believe you OP. My DP goes out once or twice a week but some of his work colleagues are going out all night every night and they have children (we don't).

I get where you're coming from and I feel really sorry for you. You love him but he's taking the piss. It's easy to say LTB and YABU however you've been together a very long time and you love him.

I don't have an answer other than leave him however that's much easier said than done. YANBU.

Jinglejanglefish · 26/06/2019 17:30

I can understand why you don't leave but you really need to build your own life outside him, get some hobbies, meet some new people. let him get on with it.

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 26/06/2019 17:34

Please don't tell us you cook a meal for him every night and leave it in the oven? Shock