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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband goes to bar

115 replies

Flora1926 · 26/06/2019 15:22

For the past 20 years every night after work my husband goes to the same bar and stays for 5 hours, he doesn't arrive home drunk, but as we are getting older it is really bothering me, I stay home waiting.
I don't have money to go out myself and it us starting to affect my health. He doesn't care what that I am alone every night. I am starting to so angry inside of me, HELP

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/06/2019 16:08

If you've put up with for 20 years, I can't see any reason for him to change now.

If you don't want to leave, why don't you visit friends or go out or start a hobby so that you're not just 'at home waiting.'

Do you work? Do you have access to joint funds? Not sure what's stopping you from leaving if you're that unhappy.

Could you stay with daughter? You must have some options.

NurseButtercup · 26/06/2019 16:08

I believe you I used to work with a man that did this. He would leave work at 5pm and stay in the pub until 10pm. He didn't go to the pub at weekends. I was shocked when he told me. He was married with two kids.

MysweetAudrina · 26/06/2019 16:09

My Grandfather used to finish work and go for a pint, come home, have his dinner and go back to the pub for another 3-4 hours. There were plenty others doing the same thing, but I think my Granny was happy to have him out of the way.

femidom12 · 26/06/2019 16:10

Are you married to Norm from Cheers? If so can you get me his autograph?

Original poster

Flora1926 · 26/06/2019 16:10

Yes they were great, he said that if he came home early he would fall asleep right away and then up,at 3 but then I say well don't you fall asleep at the bar because he falls asleep even in restaurants and he doesn't have a sleeping sickness,

OP posts:

AyBeeCee10 · 26/06/2019 16:12

It's clear that you arent going to do anything about it. After 20 years you are only starting to get angry. How many decades before you actually do something about it.

KindleAndCake · 26/06/2019 16:12

So what changed after the first 28 years? What made him decide to go to the pub every night when he hadn't been doing it before?

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 26/06/2019 16:14

Are you marge Simpson..?

HollowTalk · 26/06/2019 16:15

How old is your husband? If you married at 20 and have been married for 48 years then you will be 68 now.

If this is a real thread then I would assume he's having an affair, tbh. And I'd assume you were a bit daft for not packing your things while he was out and leaving him.

ticking · 26/06/2019 16:15

YABU, you should have left years ago! I've never hear such claptrap as this - WHY in God's name are you sitting at home waiting for him for twenty years?

AwdBovril · 26/06/2019 16:17

YABU for putting up with it for so long. You're clearly not a priority in his life.

womaninthedark · 26/06/2019 16:20

Sit tight. You've been married 48 years. Another 20 should see the back of him.

I recall hearing a lady address a bus full of passengers in absolute joy - her abusive husband had died and now she was spending all his carefully-hoarded money. Good for her.

rachelfrost · 26/06/2019 16:23

Second family? If not, go to the bar with him.

AlaskanOilBaron · 26/06/2019 16:23

Sit tight. You've been married 48 years. Another 20 should see the back of him.

Sorry, I had to laugh at this.

If you're serious, OP, really sorry to hear this. If you don't have the strength to divorce him, then try to emotionally segregate yourself and develop your own life outside of your marriage.

Bluerussian · 26/06/2019 16:25

If you've been married 48 years and he has been doing this for twenty, I'm wondering what he did for the previous 28 years.

Are you sure he is spending all that time in a bar, every night?

Whatever, he is being very selfish. You are entitled to have some companionship with your husband, you could even go to the bar with him once in a while. However I can't help wondering if he is up to something else.

You look after yourself and make sure you put yourself first.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 26/06/2019 16:32

You haven't had an evening together in 20 years?

You should both have the same amount of money to spend in the evening, so you should be able to have a hobby, or an evening job which would be better. It's never too late to become financially independent, even if it means baby steps.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 26/06/2019 16:33

So you were ok with it for 19 years, but 20 is just too much?

RomanyQueen · 26/06/2019 16:35

YABU you have agreed to this for 20 years and now you are complaining.

I wouldn't have allowed one night, let alone 20 years. Wtf do you expect?

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 26/06/2019 16:38

It is really sad that you have put up with this for 20 years when it is making you so unhappy. I would leave, as you have put up with this behaviour for two decades he is unlikely to change. When he retires does he plan to spend all day in the pub too?

Are you completely 100% sure that he is going to the pub? It just sounds really excessive to go 4/5 nights a week for 5 hours and the flimsy excuse he has given you to justify his behaviour just doesn't sound believable. If he genuinely has issues with fatigue he should seek medical help.

I would be seriously worried he had an alcohol problem (even though you say he doesn't come home drunk) I dread to think how much money he is spending spending 25 hours in the pub every single week.

How is he able to stay awake in the pub but not at home in your company? Why can't he come home then take you out somewhere instead?

You mention you don't have any money to go out but your husband clearly has enough disposable income to indulge in his selfish pub visits.

cccameron · 26/06/2019 16:43

I don't know why everyone is screaming troll at the OP. I used to work in a pub and there were lots of blokes like this who would be there every night just chatting with mates. Not necessarily alcoholics either, they'd just have a couple of pints and chat.
I don't know what to suggest OP. Maybe try and find something you would both like to get out and do, even if it's just one day a week. Or find an interest for yourself that at least means you're not just sat in waiting for him.

JellyBaby666 · 26/06/2019 16:43

OP this is no way to live. Find something for yourself in the evenings, don't sit at home waiting for him. A yoga class, a running group, netball whatever it is - you don't have to have permission to life your live. 5 hours everyday after work just isn't normal, HOW much money has he wasted? His excuse is odd. If you love him and like spending time with him, can't you go meet him for a drink? Go for dinner together? Go to the cinema.

Tell him it makes you miserable, and that it needs to change.

SmallAlbatross · 26/06/2019 16:44

What does he do at weekends?

noonarna · 26/06/2019 16:44

Leave. Stop wasting your precious life!

Pinkfinkle · 26/06/2019 16:45

Why have you put up with this for twenty years?

babysharkah · 26/06/2019 16:45

20 years? And you're only just bothered? He's not going to change now is he.

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