to worry about having different coloured children?

[fargoismyfave]

I know, that sounds like a completely ridiculous question. But. I am mixed race (black/white) and my mum was always presumed to be a family friend/babysitter etc (she's white). My dad was always presumed to be my dad (he's black). Sadly that's just the way things are. It really bothered me as a child and I think it bothered my mum too.

I have a son. His dad is white and he's olive skinned. He looks white with a tan as he inherited his dad's fair features. I'm no longer with his dad and am considering going on a date with a nice man I know.

This man is black, and very dark skinned. Now don't get me wrong I'm not thinking of having children with him, we've not even been on a date. It did make me wonder though how if I did end up with someone darker skinned and had more children, how my son would feel about being the only fair skinned person in the family (he doesn't see his dad).

Am I completely ridiculous to worry about this? I'm sure I'm going to be slated for even writing it but the worry I think stems from the way I didn't feel accepted by other people when I was with my mum. I was even asked if I was adopted once.

Am I being silly?

To be honest that could have happened if you stayed with your previous partner and had more children.
I'm mixed race and white DM and black DF my ex H is black, my eldest DD is the same complexion as me and the youngest DD is much darker.

@Goodnamesalltaken the difference however I'm sure wouldn't be quite as large. I think I'm worrying too much due to my own insecurities.

I don't think it is a ridiculous thing to think about, but families now days include a mix of races and complexions so its not rare for this to happen.
Attitudes have changed so I don't think your son will get asked or commented on like you were.

My own daughter is mixed, her DH is white and her 4 children all look different. Ranging from very pale with Ginger/blond hair to one with afro hair and features.

My mum is white I am mixed race, no one assumed she was the baby sitter?? Not sure I get that, if they knew your dad was black surely they would know your mum is white if you’re mixed? I do know of a woman that has 5 children (3 white and 2 mixed race) it’s very clear they have different dads and not just different types of mixes, I get what pp are trying to say but I don’t think people wouldn’t be able to tell, but it really doesn’t matter what people think.

I get that people have kids with the same person and they all look different. Me and my siblings all look very different. However we are all clearly full siblings and whilst we are all of different skin tones and hair textures, we aren't THAT different. I'm talking about a child potentially looking full white and another potentially looking full black. Also having to then deal with not having the same father and potentially feeling very left out.

This may be a crazy scenario I've made up in my head. I'm hoping so.

@fargoismyfave I have my own worries with regards to my DC. Purely because even though as a PP has stated things are different now and you son won't likely be asked like you were, I worry about the colourism and racism that is prevalent. I'm racially ambiguous and I am very aware that I'm treated very differently to my black female friends and this is my concern for DD2

I'm not trying to deny your experience at all, but I wonder if the attitude/assumption you describe is is less prevalent nowadays with so many mixed families? Perhaps my experience is shaped by my own extended family (several white cousins with mixed-race children), but I have never considered a white adult and mixed-race child to be anything but a parent-child relationship. A number of my cousins have since broken up with their partners, formed new relationships, and either had more children with their new partner and/or their new partner also already had children from a previous relationship. As a result, my cousins' families are a mix of complexions: from white with blond hair to arabic to caribbean. People probably know/assume the kids have different dads, but mixed families are so common that no-one bats an eyelid.

@BigRedLondonBus Not sure I get that, if they knew your dad was black surely they would know

But they didn't know my dad was black. I'm talking about random people, in numerous different scenarios who saw me with my mum and assumed she was not my mother. This happened a good few times. It's my very real experience and hurt me as a young child trying to work out her identity. I guess it could also depend where in the world you're raised.

I think times might have moved on? My children are mixed race, and they both look like me, and not white at all. There wasn't ever a comment about him not being the dad but the baby sitter. People are more used to mixed race and blended families now that I don't think they'll make such judgement and comments.

I’m with you, you can clearly see a difference, a 1/4 black child will look completely different to a 1/4 white child, they just will, I don’t think it’s a ridiculous thing to worry about, I can see where you are coming from, my children’s father is black and I would feel the same way as you if I were to have a child with a white man.

In London it is very common to see white women with mixed race children so I agree it’s probably down to where you live.

I honestly think you’re over thinking it.

I know a white family who have a white, blond, blue-eyed child and they have an adopted a Chinese child.

It’s an absolute non-issue. They are a family, the children are siblings and that’s that.

And yes, I mean when DH talk the kids out himself, he's never mentioned once anyone presume he's nothing but the father. I hope this puts your more at ease that things have changed for the better?

Maybe I am overthinking. I just want my child and any other children I may have to feel equal, and loved, and normal! I didn't feel normal as a kid but I'm hoping things have moved on since 25 years ago.

My friend is white and her DH is black. They have two DC who look completely different. One is very fair skinned with blonde hair and blue eyes like my friend, the other is darker with black hair and brown eyes like her DH.

It could have happened if you had another child with your ex. Genetics are strange.

Oh and things have definitely moved on OP, it’s definitely quite normal to see mixed race families now.

I am olive/light skinned with hazel colouring, DH is ginger/sandy/freckly and have two daughters, one very blonde and fair and freckly and one with dark hair and olive skin and people don't often think they are sisters. People have asked me if they are both mine/DH's. To me their faces are quite similar but more people just see the colouring, and think siblings should look almost identical even when both parents are white European heritage. Put it down to people being strange and don't worry about it.

@fargoismyfave I understand your worry about your children not having the same racial background, but I think it would worry me more the other way round. If I had a black child and then went on to have a white partner and white children.

My DP is mixed race and his (half) sister is white. They've never felt any ill effects of it.

@Goodnamesalltaken not sure I understand what you mean by that?

My dd is older than you are. I did get racist comments back on the early 80s but I don't think anyone ever thought I was a baby sitter. Her own children have never received negative comments as far as I know.

I don't think you're silly at all, OP. I think it's depressing that you've experienced first hand society's fucked up view of race. It really, really shouldn't matter. But racism's alive and well. Probably on the increase too thanks to the rise of the far right and populism politics.

YABU. My husband was white, I’m black, It never crossed either of our minds, they are just your kids.

@Hadjab so you have kids with a white man and a black man? Not sure your comment relates directly to my concern.