to worry about having different coloured children?

[fargoismyfave]

I know, that sounds like a completely ridiculous question. But. I am mixed race (black/white) and my mum was always presumed to be a family friend/babysitter etc (she's white). My dad was always presumed to be my dad (he's black). Sadly that's just the way things are. It really bothered me as a child and I think it bothered my mum too.

I have a son. His dad is white and he's olive skinned. He looks white with a tan as he inherited his dad's fair features. I'm no longer with his dad and am considering going on a date with a nice man I know.

This man is black, and very dark skinned. Now don't get me wrong I'm not thinking of having children with him, we've not even been on a date. It did make me wonder though how if I did end up with someone darker skinned and had more children, how my son would feel about being the only fair skinned person in the family (he doesn't see his dad).

Am I completely ridiculous to worry about this? I'm sure I'm going to be slated for even writing it but the worry I think stems from the way I didn't feel accepted by other people when I was with my mum. I was even asked if I was adopted once.

Am I being silly?

I think your concerns are valid OP.

People can be so unconsciously prejudiced about race. Even if there’s no malice or racism intended. My kids are mixed (white/Asian) and because they pass as white, my husband can get double takes when he’s out with them - in a “what is that brown man doing with those white kids?” kind of way. Exactly like your mum being confused for the babysitter

I know people have pointed out that mixed families are unremarkable now, but in my experience they’re still a huge minority and people still assume that a brown looking child can’t have a white parent and vice versa.

So I think you’re right to worry about the idea of having children in the future who are 3/4 black, whereas your son is 1/4 black. It’s not quite the same as having mixed race siblings who have different complexions. I can’t offer you any advice, but I do understand why you feel like you do.

@Moominfan I agree and see it on not only the Caribbean side of my family but also on my white side too

@fargoismyfave no I think you’re missing my point, again, it’s up to you to I still a sense of belong and self worth in your children, but hey, what do I know, you asked for an opinion, it clearly isn’t what you want to hear...

My DCs are mixed (white and southeast Asian) and look very obviously mixed. I’ve had a few comments over the years especially when I’ve been out on my own with them, because I am as pale as pale can get, and look very European (I come from a Polish family). The weirdest one was a lady asking me what country I’d adopted them from
I’m not saying it’s ok by any means, but some people are just thick and will make stupid comments based on kid’s looks - it doesn’t even necessarily have to be about race! A friend of mine has one brunette child, one blonde, and one really striking red head - she gets asked all the time if they are all hers or if they all have the same dad (which they do!).

It’s getting better, but people’s weird assumptions regarding race, people that look anything different to “white British” and their subtle racism is still something that we and our children have to deal with on a daily basis.

@Hadjab it's so much more complex than that though. My mother was incredible and made me feel invincible. Regardless, children are hurt by the comments of others. I do see your point, but I genuinely don't think it's as black and white as that.

Be aware, that I have lost count the amount of times black guys have got stick for going out with mixed or white girl who already has a white or light skin child, seriously it seems to be viewed as worse than going out with a white girl for some black people.

I live in London - I've never come across this.

@MyOpinionIsValid nor have I. Ever. Trying to work out the logic behind it.

I think you're looking into things too much.

Im asian, my sister and I are different coloured, even though we have the same parents. I'm darker like my dad and sister lighter like mum :)

We live in England where we a lucky to see a variety of people, cultures and families.

@IntoValhalla Gosh people can be so ignorant and racist!

I'd just go on the date tbh. It'll probably never happen.

@MyOpinionIsValid I live in central London have never heard of this being "a thing" as such. But I do realise it is part of a wider picture of inter-racial dating and how many within the black community perceive a black man who would choose a white/ lightskin/ mixed race woman with children over a black woman without.
There are so many complex issues with inter-racial dating with regards to black men

fargoismyfav: Be aware, that I have lost count the amount of times black guys have got stick for going out with mixed or white girl who already has a white or light skin child, seriously it seems to be viewed as worse than going out with a white girl for some black people.

I've never heard this before? confused what's the logic behind this?
--

There's no logic, never is with prejudice, but I have heard of it, many years ago. I doubt anyone feels like that now, how can you if you've lived and worked amongst people of all 'races' for most of your life?

@MaidenMotherCrone this too

I get your worry, I have two DCs, both adopted, DS and DH and I are white, DD is mixed. And yes, people think that a friend I'm with hs her mum even if I'm the one caring for her.

But actually, nobody is confused about them being siblings, possibly because DS tells everyone!

@JamdaniSari her face was a picture when I answered with “urrrmm my womb?”
There’s an amazing Thai food stand on our Wednesday market and the first time I stopped there to grab some lunch withthe DCs but without DH, the lady greeted us in Thai - like she does all her customers - but was so so shocked when my Dd who was 3 at the time responded and went into a full conversation with her I don’t speak Thai, but could work out that she was asking DD if I was her mum or not!

YABU to worry so much over what other people think about this. I am black with mixed ancestry and one of children is very fair with wavy hair and the other dark skinned. Same Father. Yes I've had a couple of stupid comments, but that was many years ago, even so, why the fuck would I care they're my children.

When you have a mixed cultural background anything can happen anyway. I know a fair skinned Cyprian lady and both her partners have been black she has 3 children from 2 fathers, ironically the ones with the most similar colouring and looks do not share the same father. The two that have the same father do not look related at all, one looks white the other has dark mahogany skin.

If anyone gives ignorant comments you give them a withering look and move on. No need to lose sleep over it.

You're not being silly to worry about it, it's coming from your own experiences growing up so naturally you'll have concerns. I do think that you should go out with this man if you like him and see where things go - if you do end up having more children and their skin is a different colour, just take each day as it comes and don't worry about what other people think. It doesn't matter.

Just to add quickly obviously racism is disgusting, I didn't mean "it doesn't matter" like that, I meant that so what if someone thinks a Mum is a Nanny etc

PS to my last message. I think the reason that, in the past, 'black' people were not keen on one of their children going out (or more) with a white person was because black people were so badly treated here. Many from the Caribbean were encouraged to come to the UK because there was a shortage of workers in certain sectors, so they expected to be welcomed. Not so, they were sidelined and no end of urban myths circulated about them. So it is natural to want to stick together, there is security in that, they all understood what was going on.

None of that is as bad as the prejudice white people experienced if they got together with a black person, especially if they eventually went on to have children. I feel ashamed when I think of that although I was young then so it didn't directly affect me and I always strove to be fair minded.

Anyway, let's be glad times have changed. There are still pockets of extreme prejudice in this country, occasionally there are documentaries about that. I'm glad I don't live anywhere like that.

In recent times people have been more prejudiced against Muslims but that is fading now I'm happy to say, young adults are taking the lead to counter that prejudice.

You take care and, as I said in previous post, enjoy life and have adventures!

I don't really understand why you care what strangers think about you, and too be honest most people are caught in their own lives anyway.

@Cheeseandwin5 I don't really understand why you care what strangers think about you

I don't care what they think about me. I care what they think about my child and don't want him to experience the same sort of feelings that I did.

@Bluerussian None of that is as bad as the prejudice white people experienced if they got together with a black person, especially if they eventually went on to have children I'm confused by this comment, do you mean that a white persons experience of prejudice from other white people was worst than what black people who came to this country suffered and still suffer?