to worry about having different coloured children?

[fargoismyfave]

I know, that sounds like a completely ridiculous question. But. I am mixed race (black/white) and my mum was always presumed to be a family friend/babysitter etc (she's white). My dad was always presumed to be my dad (he's black). Sadly that's just the way things are. It really bothered me as a child and I think it bothered my mum too.

I have a son. His dad is white and he's olive skinned. He looks white with a tan as he inherited his dad's fair features. I'm no longer with his dad and am considering going on a date with a nice man I know.

This man is black, and very dark skinned. Now don't get me wrong I'm not thinking of having children with him, we've not even been on a date. It did make me wonder though how if I did end up with someone darker skinned and had more children, how my son would feel about being the only fair skinned person in the family (he doesn't see his dad).

Am I completely ridiculous to worry about this? I'm sure I'm going to be slated for even writing it but the worry I think stems from the way I didn't feel accepted by other people when I was with my mum. I was even asked if I was adopted once.

Am I being silly?

@fargoismyfave

Don't know what the logic is, from one black lady I know she said it's seen as going against your roots so to speak. It's not open by any means, but it's there and a huge deal. Even women I know who are or have been in relationships with black men have said the same thing. Obviously taking on another person's child is one thing but again, if the child is white or very light mixed race it can be looked down on. I think people are oblivious to this because the news and media either ignore it or well, tbh they just ignore it but it's definitely a thing and I'd be shocked if it was just a South London thing!

@MyOpinionIsValid

Where do you live?

Both are astoundingly gorgeous ladies @MirriVan .

Agree with @fargoismyfave concerns though, but rather from the aspect of colourism. But, as you are not really in a relationship with the chap, don't think about it too much just yet. I live in Germany and my two DC may have the same parents and be dual heritage, but we've been stopped in the street and had people commenting on how different the DC look. And at nursery. And at church. And at the airport.

That's the thing, you are an advocate for racial equality whether you are active or passively living your life.

You're not being crazy to think about this. No matter how much race was invented/exaggerated to justify colonialism and slavery, people still see it as 'real'. Discrimination is certainly a very real thing that people live with, and it being directed towards your children would be painful for you and them.

Sadly, you can't single-handedly change the world. But - the only thing that will (eventually) change attitudes is if enough people think "sod it" and live their lives how they want. "Race" is breaking down (both as a concept and as more mixed-heritage children are born) so your hypothetical children would probably experience fewer problems than you did. If you think you can support any children enough then you shouldn't feel restricted in your life choices.

My kids are mixed but look very white. 17 years ago the odd person did a double take. Now never and I live in a very white area.

Living in a community with many black people and families as well as every other type of person you can get in inner London and here is a word of advice....Be aware, that I have lost count the amount of times black guys have got stick for going out with mixed or white girl who already has a white or light skin child, seriously it seems to be viewed as worse than going out with a white girl for some black people. Really bad

Have lived all my life in SE London have Jamaican, Bajan, African and White family have never heard of this as a thing ever.

I know what you mean @fargoismyfave. I'm Black with fairly light skin and 3 of my children have a white (blonde hair/blue eyed) father.

DD has very brown skin but white features and thick wavy mid brown hair, DS2 has very light skin, black features and black curly hair- he looks 'mixed race'. My eldest looks Black with light skin and kinky/coily hair. I then had a baby with a dark skinned Black guy and DS3 is also dark skinned.

My point is, don't worry- it's normal for any race's children to look different- whether they have different father's or not. My children haven't had anything specifically targeted at them for not looking like each other.

I get your concerns. There are quite a few potential issues including whether all the children feel they belong.

I have an acquaintance (white) who had one child with with white DH1 and then 2 more with DH2 who was black. A common acquaintance of ours has 4 kids by 2 dads who are all white. Guess which gets asked regularly about whether they are all her kids, is she a childminder, do they have the same dads?

And yes society is more understanding of non nuclear families, mixed race families etc. And of course the random nosy Parker in the Tesco queue shouldn't stop you from having more children. But that doesn’t mean there are no issues at all because society is a long way from colour blind.

Think your absolute priority is to ensure that if you ever have a baby with someone else that he's a good bloke, with stability, and who'll stay the course. All much more important than the colour of his skin.

I am 50 and recently reconnected with a primary school friend. I assumed as a child that she was adopted as she is ‘black’ and her mum is white. I was blown away aged 45 with the revelation that her dad is black. That’s from only knowing 1
Black person, her, as a child!
So I do get you. Depends on the ethnicity ratio in your area. My 20 yr old dd had no one in her year non Caucasian at primary

I have two children, same father, we are both white. One child is very dark skinned, which goes even darker in the summer. Long dark brown hair, and eyes so dark you can't make out her pupils. Second child is shockingly white, auburn hair which goes quite ginger in the sun. Her face comes out in a flurry of freckles in the summer and she never tans, and she has bright blue eyes. We've been questioned once by a rather drunk lady on holiday who laughed when I said they were sisters (she blurred out "yeah but adopted obviously)! I'm surprised I didn't flatten her. So mine are very very different, even through their race is the same.

My son is white and his girlfriend is black ... they can’t wait to have children ❤️
my son is very pale ! Lol ... My son said they do get looks but he doesn’t care ... he’s so I love
with her .. and her mum said they can have 2 children and I can look after them as she wants a rest 🤣 ... I think she was joking they have a mixed race grandchild from their son ... absolutely adorable ❤️

I'm no longer with his dad and am considering going on a date with a nice man I know

It sounds a bit like you are looking for reasons not to go on a date with this man. If he is nice and you fancy him just do it. Thinking about scenarios so far down the line will kill things before they even get going!

My niece is mixed race. Her dad is Somalian, her mum white. Her younger brother and sister are both white. It doesn’t bother her or bother her the fact that she is the only mixed race child in our family.

Hi OP

I think it may depend where you live. A small village in the highlands is going to have a different demographic than London for example

Also I'm not sure how old you are but hopefully things have changed for the better since you were young

There are things you can influence though such as your son hearing you say positive things about mixes of cultures and races. Plus only having a future child with a man that fully accepts your son as an equal part of the family. If you had another child with someone who treated your current child differently, I'm sure this would have much more of an effect than looking different to a sibling

However there are things you can influence l

Goodnamesalltaken, no I didn't mean that. I can't quite understand what I said now, I was probably thinking in several directions. Sorry.

I know two sisters, mum white dad black, one sister is really dark black hair brown eyes with dad's features, one looks white has blonde hair blue eyes, many people were confused that her dad was black. And same with her sister with her mum. And they were whole siblings x

It's far more common than people realise - and genetics can be wonderful things; I've known a family of full siblings where, because both parents had mixed heritage, there was a very wide range of skin tones, from tanned 'white', olive, caramel through to very dark. My niece and nephew (full siblings again) are completely different - one has hair, facial structure and colouring that makes it clear Granddad was Jamaican, the other looks like they've been on a sunbed. Both are assumed to be the child of their stepmum when with her, of their actual mum when she's with them. And of their Dad at all times.

People who care are arseholes and should be discounted, as they are generally racist towards everybody that isn't exactly the same colour skin as they are and the rest, well - they don't care. It's quite normal to have blended families now and a variation in colouring makes absolutely no difference to them.

Thankfully, despite some of the bollocks that's floating around from Brexity fans, the majority of us are well beyond the stupid, vicious and archaic shit that judges who somebody is or has been in love with.

I think this happens a lot as people mix and marry different races. I’ve got very dark hair and eyes. My dh blonde w blue eyes. I have one of each kid. No one think my ds is mine until they hear him call me mom and then they are like omg he is yours??! Many times people thought I’m the nanny.