to worry about having different coloured children?

[fargoismyfave]

I know, that sounds like a completely ridiculous question. But. I am mixed race (black/white) and my mum was always presumed to be a family friend/babysitter etc (she's white). My dad was always presumed to be my dad (he's black). Sadly that's just the way things are. It really bothered me as a child and I think it bothered my mum too.

I have a son. His dad is white and he's olive skinned. He looks white with a tan as he inherited his dad's fair features. I'm no longer with his dad and am considering going on a date with a nice man I know.

This man is black, and very dark skinned. Now don't get me wrong I'm not thinking of having children with him, we've not even been on a date. It did make me wonder though how if I did end up with someone darker skinned and had more children, how my son would feel about being the only fair skinned person in the family (he doesn't see his dad).

Am I completely ridiculous to worry about this? I'm sure I'm going to be slated for even writing it but the worry I think stems from the way I didn't feel accepted by other people when I was with my mum. I was even asked if I was adopted once.

Am I being silly?

I don't think you're being silly at all - but it does happen in lots of families, even without different ethnicities. My husband is one of 5. Two of them are short stocky and blonde (take after dad) and the other 3 are tall willowy and dark (take after mum.) you'd never know they were from the same family!

Likewise my white British sister married a Chinese man, and her son looks Asian (like his father). Shes been asked if she adopted him on a few occasions! And my parents have had people look twice when they take him out alone.

Some people will pass comment, because some people are arseholes. But I think on the whole, people are becoming more familiar with families with blended ethnicities.

I've got a friend with one mixed race child (his father is black) and one from a new relationship (the father is white). It has never crossed my mind to think it is odd. They appear to be a very happy extended family and just "are". Try not to overthink it!

@Hadjab I think that is unfair. @fargoismyfave INBU to have these very valid concerns, in terms of how any future partner and or children would affect her current DC. In fact it would be remiss of her to not think about this. Add in the dynamic of race and colour makes it more important to think about this.

Living in a community with many black people and families as well as every other type of person you can get in inner London and here is a word of advice....Be aware, that I have lost count the amount of times black guys have got stick for going out with mixed or white girl who already has a white or light skin child, seriously it seems to be viewed as worse than going out with a white girl for some black people. Really bad. Apart from that, meh should be fine.

I wouldn’t really worry about it OP. My cousins have two different fathers, one who is white, and one who is black. Their mother, my auntie is also white. One of my cousins is pale with ginger hair and the other is very obviously mixed race, with very dark skin and Afro hair. They look nothing like each other, yet are extremely close, even now as adults. And as far as I know, nobody ever thought my Auntie was the babysitter rather than their mum.

Couple we used to live beside - mixed race dad, white mam. Two little girls - one white, one cafe-au-lait like dad. Both lovely children (was a lovely family) Nobody thought anything of it.

Be aware, that I have lost count the amount of times black guys have got stick for going out with mixed or white girl who already has a white or light skin child, seriously it seems to be viewed as worse than going out with a white girl for some black people.

I've never heard this before? what's the logic behind this?

@fargoismyfave you clearly misread my post, not sure how. I have three children, all with the same (white) man 🙄 it doesn’t matter if you have a rainbow of kids, you need to instill confidence in them

I'm white. My husband is black. DD1's father didn't want anything to do with her (planned baby after 4 years together - got to 6 months pregnant and he "wasn't feeling it" 🤨. He saw her once at 12 days old), she's now almost 7 has a lovely relationship with DH who I met when she was 3. We are expecting DD2 next month. Obviously my girls will be different colours. On one hand it bothers me but only in as much as children make (often innocent) comments and that's something the girls will have to get used to.
Don't forget that you can be a mixed race couple (one parent white/one black) and have 4 children of 4 different colours - it's not exact and genetics are a funny thing. All you can do is be honest and open minded and hope your children grow up the same. Don't let this stop you being with someone you could have a great future with.

I think you’re giving too much mental energy to what strangers might think about you and your family. DH (Indian origin) and I (white) adopted our DC, one looks like a mix of our ethnicities and the younger one has both our ethnicities plus Caribbean heritage. The younger one doesn’t look half white, because she isn’t, and so people sometimes assume I’m not her mother. They are strangers so why would I care. If there is some reason that they do need to know, like needing parental permission for something, I just say that I’m her mum and there’s never been an issue. The only place I’ve had to prove it has been at passport control.

Live the life that makes you happy and don’t give mental space to what others might or might not think.

@Goodnamesalltaken how so?

@fargoismyfave I mean because of how blatantly obvious it is how different children of non white backgrounds get treated. I'm not trying to bring that disparity into my home. They are going to see enough of it without having to see a sibling getting preferential from others because they are white.

Forgot to say DD1 father was white, sorry.

No @Hadjab I didn't. You said you and your husband are of different races and nobody bats an eyelid. This isn't my concern. My concern is my children being different ethnicities, and looking significantly different, with one child looking different from almost the entirety of his immediate family. You say nobody bats an eyelid at your situation, but your situation is different to the one I'm worried about. If that makes sense. Whether or not someone bats an eyelid at you and your family or not is of little relevance to me.

The thing is, there’s no guarantee what genetics will throw into the mix in any case. There have even been cases of mixed race twins born looking completely different to each other. My family have Spanish Romani heritage, so most of them, including my siblings and aunts and uncles, are black haired, with heavy brows and quite dark skin. I am very fair skinned with red hair. Yes, I look a bit odd in family group photos, but it’s not the be all and end all.

@Goodnamesalltaken yep I can see exactly where you're coming from!

in London it is very common to see white women with mixed race children so I agree it’s probably down to where you live.

Er, there are mixed race couples and children all over the country. It's definitely not just a London based thing.

OP as someone else has already said, genetics are strange things and it's possible for the children from the same parentage to have very different skin tones. I think you're overthinking it (said as a parent of a mixed race child)

I think it's definitely due consideration. I'm mixed race. Caribbean back ground. Within the black community fair skin is treat differently. If one of my kids were darker skinned it's a battle to be had. Need to grow up knowing dark skin is beautiful and not let anyone suggest otherwise.

I’m Indian and it’s common to see black, white, and south east asian passing people in the same immediate family. It’s never considered a big deal. I think you’re overthinking it really

Don't worry about it, fargoismyfav, times have changed and there are now many families with children of a different hue. Viva la difference!
Anyway, you've not even been on a date with this man yet, never mind having his children :-), so just enjoy yourself, have an adventure.

Interesting that your white mother was often mistaken for the babysitter; I've heard of black women with a biracial child being mistaken for the nanny (or 'nurse' as they say in the USA), Meghan Markle's mother was. People really should not make assumptions, they can be wounding, especially for children.

I love in (outer or Greater) London and have never thought twice about colour, race or religion. Not giving myself a pat on the back, just musing. It all seems odd to me. Aren't we all 'mixed race' in some way or another? I doubt there are many pure white anglo-saxons.

My sister has a mixed race child and two children as blond as they come. Her husband now is Mediterranean looking. People have made some awful comments to my mixed race niece.

Er, there are mixed race couples and children all over the country. It's definitely not just a London based thing

Errrrrr I’m sure there is, but I was responding to the op who said she it was always assumed her mum was the babysitter, I can’t say this has ever been my experience living in london but maybe less ethnic areas it may happen but certainly wouldn’t where I live!

@Hadjab because adding children to an already existing family unit is tricky and should be well thought out before it's done. With the added dynamic of a different ethnic background why would it not be a point of discussion/ concern.
And I say this as someone who is from a blended family of 6 children an elder 1/2 sibling and then 3 younger 1/2 siblings and a step brother, who was full black and issues with our family dynamic of all his other siblings being mixed race.

I think you’re giving too much mental energy to what strangers might think about you and your family.

This

I’m white and have two dc with my first partner who was also white and one dc from my second partner who was black.

To me, they are my dc. To each other, they are siblings. Nobody has pointed and whispered or commented to me directly about the obvious difference in their parentage. Maybe it’s because I live in a major city where families come in all shapes/sizes/colours. Maybe they do and I just don’t notice. I don’t feel that my dc (all teenagers now) have ever felt not accepted because they and their siblings/parents have differing skin tones

Things have moved on, OP. DS's best friend is mixed race, but looks black (very cool, apparently ), as does his older brother. Black father, white mother. His mum went on to have another son in a later relationship (white father), providing a complete contrast. No-one even blinks at the family in the playground. The sibling irritation when the youngest headbutts the eldest is plain to see!