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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed at my friend for asking for money towards her drinks?

136 replies

SuperProbably · 26/06/2019 11:04

Its an essay folks, grab a cuppa...

So ive just got back from a girlie weekend away here in the UK. There were 6 of us in total but only 4 of us drinking. We had all contributed to a shopping kitty but we had decided we would bring drinks seperately as it wasnt fair to the 2 non-drinkers to be adding alcohol into the kitty. The 4 of us had conferred beforehand about what everyone was in the mood for drinking or what we would be drinking. I said i was bringing about 4 bottles of various wines and 1 spirit. My friend 1 mentioned she will be bringing prosecco. She ended up bringing about 5 bottles and friend 3 bought gin. The fourth bought cans of Carling for herself. Anyway, turned out we ended up with alot more booze than we needed, a friend who couldn't make it gifted us a bottle and the hosts of the airbnb gifted us a bottle of wine too. friend 1 was the one who was pretty much opening and pouring the drinks all weekend. When we were leaving and packing up i noticed none of mine had been touched and friend 3's gin hadnt been touched either. Friend 1 asked us both to contribute to her prosecco because she said she couldn't really afford to cover 5 bottles but didnt mind covering about 3 of them. To top it off she said she wouldn't be asking friend 4 for any as she feels she didnt really drink any of it. Just to confirm she did drink plenty of it but only on the one night because she over did it and couldnt stomach any the following night. Friend 1 is majorly sympathetic to friend 4 because she suffers from depression and has told her shes struggling with money many times so i think deep down thats why she didnt want to ask her.

Myself and friend 3 were really put out by her request. We assumed the drinks were a potluck type of situation. The whole reason id bought bottles with me was so that i wouldnt have to spend more money when i got there. And i even offered my unopened bottle as recompense but she declined. If i had known i would have to reimburse her for drinking hers i wouldnt have touched them and stuck to my own instead. Its not like we helped ourselves to her bottles she poured them for us! The thing is if mine had been emptied i wouldnt have asked for people to compensate me because the whole reason i bought them was for them to be enjoyed by everyone.

As a bit of background, it was friend 1's hen last year, we organised a weekend away for her which she didnt shell a penny out for as per usual custom and we genuinely loved showering her with the celebrations. We all did the same booze potluck situation and at the end of the weekend some people had booze left over and some didnt. Nobody asked anyone to reimburse them for their bottles because we had all budgeted for it. This weekend was supposed to be our friend 1's way of thanking all of us for throwing her an amazing hen weekend. She wanted to take on all of the planning for it but she ended up making me feel really crap which kind of ruined what she was trying to do for us. As i dropped her off to the train station (after also picking her up and driving her around all weekend as well as others) she said i dont need to give her anything because ive driven them everywhere and she owes me petrol money which i would never ask for. Im the only one that drives and am often ferrying people around. But my issue is though that seems like we're square, she should never have asked for what she did in the first place. We've been friends for 20 years and shes made me feel so awkward with such an ill thought comment i feel like im questioning everything. I dont know whether to mention it to her or let it go for the sake of our friendship? AIBU with how shes made me feel? Or was she right to do so? I feel like if shed mentioned it from the start we wouldnt have been so taken aback. The whole weekend was poorly communicated in terms of money. Instead of telling us beforehand what to budget etc for the shopping she just sprung it on us over lunch in a pub on the saturday. Also i think something else is adding to my ire, one of the girls couldnt make it in the end and we all had to pay a little more to cover her share for the airbnb. That wasnt a problem as it was only about £13 more. However a part of me wonders whether she took the extra amount off friend 4, as she had said to me she was worried about friend 4 being able to afford it a while ago, i never talk about my own money struggles but i think she thinks because im a SAHM and we own our own house and run 2 cars im immediately financially better off than the single friend who lives alone in a rented flat.

Sorry for the essay guys, i dont know why i cant shake this. I feel like its changed our relationship now. I always treat friends with trust regarding money. Sometimes one buys coffees one time and the other gets it the next time but this friend has never been like that and its making me take stock of it all which i never would have done had she not made me feel like this.

Would love to know anyone else's thoughts. I should probably just get over it i know Hmm

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/06/2019 13:59

OP you got yourself a weekend of free booze... Who’s in front ?

The bride. She got a free weekend away last year that she didn’t shell out a penny for.

I know the op is hard going but did no one making these comment actually read it?

SuperP
You need to learn to edit your posts. I’m sure that could have been said more succinctly. I know I waffle on quite a bit. But nothing like your op. You’ve got a split AIBU precisely because you wrote too much.

Had you said “My friend and 6 hens went away for the weekend before her wedding last year. She did not pay a penny toward this weekend. At her suggestion and as way of saying thank you for paying for her entire hen weekend, we all went away last weekend. We all paid for our share of accommodation and had a kitty for food. Everyone brought a selection drinks agreed in advance between us and paid for individually.”

“As is, only the brides 5 bottles of Prosecco were drunk. All other drinks remained untouched and two of the 6 of us, who went away do not drink. There were 2 bottles of wine given to the group and she took them back home with her. Additionally she demanded payment toward the bottles from those of us, who she said drank the Prosecco.”

“AIBU to think this was no thank you and she was taking the piss?”

I know I missed plenty out but this is really the bare bones of it. Then further along in the thread you could have mentioned being the main driver, depressed friend etc.

Nearlythere1 · 26/06/2019 14:10

For the sake of a tenner is it worth questioning your whole friendship?

RochelleGoyle · 26/06/2019 14:14

I think I'd be peeved if all my booze was gone but other people's was untouched and they took it home again. It would effectively mean I'd paid to water the whole group. However, I also think the situation could have been foreseen and avoided.

Eliza9919 · 26/06/2019 14:15

Did you drive everyone there and home, as well as around all weekend?

I think she shouldn't have bought more bottles than she could afford to share out. She then shouldn't have solely dished out what she brought - but then you all shouldn't have left her to play bar-woman.

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 26/06/2019 14:15

Surely in that situation you divvy up what’s left between you all. I think it’s it’s a bit CF to take all your’s home again.

StealthPolarBear · 26/06/2019 14:18

In what way did she intend to treat you all?

SunshineCake · 26/06/2019 14:19

It seems like she wanted gratitude for letting the wine go Hmm as you were taxi driver.

PoppadomPeach · 26/06/2019 14:27

That's why, whenever a group of us do Air B'n'B weekends, we all go to Costco before hand together, get whatever it is we need/want and then spilt the money between us at the end.

Anything left over at the end of the trip is shared out (usually with a game or something.)
Much fairer and no arguments - unless it's about bedrooms Angry

AlansLeftMoob · 26/06/2019 14:37

There's NO WAY you "didn't notice" that none of your wine or your mate's gin hadn't been opened until you were leaving. If you're drinking Prosecco and you haven't brought Prosecco then why didn't you open your own stuff???!!!

Look at this from her perspective:

"I went on a weekend with some friends, we all brought our own booze. They drank mine all weekend, never opened their own and then got annoyed when I asked them to pay me back for it. They offered their wine and gin but I don't drink either of those. AIBU?"

You drank all her booze. Of course you should have paid for it.

Honeyroar · 26/06/2019 14:43

But the OP did offer the friend her bottle of Prosecco back, it wasn't something totally different that the friend didn't drink..

I can see both sides to this, but it barely seems worth it over £10 for Prosecco. In future cases I'd be sure that she drunk her own stuff and I drunk mine (and I'd point that out to her).

1sttimemummyxx · 26/06/2019 14:48

YANBU - she had already bought the drinks, so she could afford them, otherwise she wouldn't of brought 5 bottles with her.
It sounds like the drinks were there for everyone to help themselves to and she was the one doing the pouring?
It was fair enough of you to offer her one of your unopened bottles but she declined. So she should stop being so grabby

Biker47 · 26/06/2019 14:50

I think I'd be peeved if all my booze was gone but other people's was untouched and they took it home again.

Even if you were the only one who was actually pouring the drinks?

TruffleShuffles · 26/06/2019 14:57

When you were there you should have made a point of saying open one of my bottles next time if she was the one doing all the pouring. That’s what I always do when me and friends do something like this as you always end up opening your own as it does feel a bit awkward opening other people’s unless they prompt you to.

StealthPolarBear · 26/06/2019 15:01

Apologies if you've said and I missed it op but in what way was she treating you? Had she paid for the air bnb?

bekindtothenewgirl · 26/06/2019 15:04

I go on girls weekends and personally I would be happy to pay a bit more if it meant a friend I love and enjoy spending time with can go (I am not a big earner). You also need to figure out whether a couple of bottle of Prosecco is more important to you than a 20 year friendship. I would never let something like this come between me and my girls.

You need to read some of the other threads on here about people who struggle to make friends and have never been invited on a weekend like this, they'd love to have this 'problem'. There's a thread running atm about being the 'meh' friend, that'll put all this into perspective.

bomanaise · 26/06/2019 15:05

Bizarre that she'd ask you for money but I can't fathom a situation where I'd let one of my friends serve me like that all weekend. At some point I would get off the couch, walk to the fridge and say "anyone for another wine or will we start on the gin?"

honeygirlz · 26/06/2019 15:10

Of course YANBU. You offered her your wine as recompense. She’s being a grasping righty pants.

Is she constantly making you feel like shit with ‘ill thought comments’? She’s not much of a friend.

And stop giving lifts to everyone for free! You must be losing £££ in petroleum!!

honeygirlz · 26/06/2019 15:11

*tighty pants

Deadringer · 26/06/2019 15:21

OMG. The. Op. Offered. Her. Friend. Her. Unopened. Booze. Friend. Wanted. Cash.

JemSynergy · 26/06/2019 15:45

I wouldn't sit and drink all the other drinks when I had brought my own with me. Why didn't you start opening your bottles ?

Mumofone1858 · 26/06/2019 15:54

In all honesty I don't like this type of thing. It seems like every party I go to, people buy something but drink all of what I bring 'oh I didn't think to bring a spirit I will have yours and save my wine'!

If you liked prosecco you should have bought some. It reads like 3 of you drank 5 bottles of the stuff and I doubt she poured you every glass?

You bought wine and spirits so probably should have stuck to that. I wouldn't have asked for the money for the alcohol but I would have been annoyed if I liked and had bought prosecco and everyone drank it all!

Ellapaella · 26/06/2019 15:56

The OP offered her friend wine not Prosecco!! Maybe the friend doesn't like the drink she was offered back?

cccameron · 26/06/2019 15:58

FFS - did you miss this bit - And i even offered my unopened bottle as recompense but she declined

I can only conclude from that that the OP's bottle was crap - probably the reason why it wasn't drunk on the night!

BirthdayDreamer · 26/06/2019 16:10

IMO you had chance to offer and straighten out the drinks situation when you realised 2nd or 3rd glass in that you were drinking someone else's and not your own. I'd have said then "Oh but it's the 2nd of your Prosecco - I'll open my wine for the next bottle". Presumably you wanted wine and that's why you brought it and not Prosecco?

I would have bought her a bottle of Prosecco personally.

Allhailthesun · 26/06/2019 16:16

I can see why you are cross. You paid for wine and then we’re expected to chip in for hers.
She should have taken your bottles not asked for money.

I have friends who take over the kitchen too. Once the wine is opened it makes sense for everyone to be poured a glass. If only one person is getting the bottles than you can easily end up drinking whatever they are opening.. I think you can excuse friend 4 but I don’t think you should be asked to lay her “ share” either.