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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DH?

88 replies

TheLastCup · 26/06/2019 10:39

Interested in views as not totally sure about this.

A man I work with has made quite a significant play for me recently. I wasn't sure if it was in my imagination as we were friends so would talk to each other anyway etc but still tried to distance myself. He was pretty determined though and as soon as I backed away he essentially asked me out and said he has feelings etc. I said right away that I am not interested in him like that and it's just platonic and have avoided him since. He took it well (I think) and has backed off.

I haven't told DH yet though because I don't want him to worry. I am happy with how I handled it and fairly sure the matter is now over, but just don't want DH to get upset or feel weird or anything, or feel uncomfortable about a situation that is done and dusted in my eyes. Plus I still have to work with the guy.

IABU?

If the majority say IABU I'll tell him. I love DH very much and want to do the right thing.

OP posts:

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 26/06/2019 10:42

If you don't tell DH it makes it a bigger issue if it comes out later. What if he starts trying it on again and work is difficult or you end up going to management? You would want your DHs support. If he finds out then it's happened before, he'll be hurt you've lied and frankly it looks suspicious

MyOpinionIsValid · 26/06/2019 10:42

If you feel you have dealt with it appropriately, then thats the end of the matter.

Original poster

TheLastCup · 26/06/2019 10:43

If you don't tell DH it makes it a bigger issue if it comes out later.

That's a good point, I hadn't thought about that

OP posts:

Constance1234 · 26/06/2019 10:45

I wouldn’t bother telling your DH - I think that would make it into a bigger thing than it is. There was a situation that came up, you dealt with it, and as you say the man has backed off. I would just forget about it now.

ShatnersWig · 26/06/2019 10:46

I think on balance I'd say something. I get TheHands point on this.

Monday55 · 26/06/2019 10:54

This could be a 50-50 debate. But if I was your DH I'd want to know. It would strengthen your trust in being open with each other. If he ever finds out he might use it as an excuse to keep things from you in the future without feeling any guilt.

jameswong · 26/06/2019 10:56

I wouldn't tell my wife. She's had similar happen to her, although not quite as serious, and didn't tell me until years later. I understood why and it was no big deal.

Goodnightjude1 · 26/06/2019 10:57

I’d tell him incase anything was said at a later date or for some reason this guy tries to stir up trouble. I would always appreciate honesty, however awkward/uncomfortable it was to hear.

RB68 · 26/06/2019 10:58

I think it depends on your relationshipp at home to be honest. If trust is an issue then you need to tell and deal with the fall out - personally I might mention it in passing and make a bit of a joke out of it and feel better for him knowing without having masses of detail about what actually happened.

Original poster

TheLastCup · 26/06/2019 11:02

Trust isn't an issue but maybe I just don't want to rock the boat for no reason if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 26/06/2019 11:04

yeah i'd tell him for pp reasons ie if it ever comes up in the future it becomes suspect

Bobbins1 · 26/06/2019 11:05

I would want to know if it was my DH, and I would be pleased with how he had dealt with the prob, but I’d still want to know

Damntheman · 26/06/2019 11:09

I'd tell him, if nothing else then for support. I'd also worry about it looking odd that I didn't tell him should he find out down the road. Besides, you've got nothing to hide, you did nothing wrong. You're just sharing your experiences with DH. Maybe I just share most things with my DH (unless specifically asked by a friend to keep things to myself) so would consider it odd to not share an experience with him. Particularly one that made me uncomfortable like I'm sure this one did.

It'll also mean your DH knows what's going on should you ever all be in the same place and DH notices this man making moon eyes at you.

kateandme · 26/06/2019 11:17

only you know your dh and how the conversation would be taken
but i might tell him.
either tell him in the iddle of a perfectly breezy conversation so it is just another part of tea time talk.no biggy.
or a what would you do if a woman at your work dh made a play for you.so its like your getting advice,being open,showing trust and seeing what he would do and whether youve played it right?
you no his temperament and whether he gets jealous or would this get to him etc.

Oopsy41 · 26/06/2019 11:23

I'd speak to my husband because I'd want to know if it was the other way round

Ginger1982 · 26/06/2019 11:26

I would want to know if it was reversed so I would tell him.

An ex started emailing me recently. It was all pretty harmless chat until he started talking about his relationship. I told DH and didn't reply any further. It wasn't an issue for either of us but I felt it was the right thing to do.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/06/2019 11:28

I would definitely tell my DH. If for no other reason that because if the roles were reversed I'd want to know and if I found out later that he'd chosen to keep it from me I'd think that was odd. We're very open with each other though and I know every marriage is different.

Also, you say you feel this person has gotten the message and that the matter is closed. Hopefully you're right but if he were to try it on again, or it ends up interfering with your work in some way and you needed to involve HR/someone senior presumably you would need your DH to know for moral support.

floribunda18 · 26/06/2019 11:28

I would tell my DH, just out of openness.

Waveysnail · 26/06/2019 11:30

Meh. Dh doesnt need to k ow some asshat has hit on you.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 11:32

be honest with him, don't make it a secret, that makes it look suspicious when it's not.

Bipbopbee · 26/06/2019 11:34

Similar situation and I have told DH.

Man knew I was married but still asked if I’d sleep with him, saying “I won’t tell DH if you don’t”

DH was glad I told him; likewise if he had had some woman come on to him like this I would want to know as well!!

GinAndTopic · 26/06/2019 11:35

You are not being unreasonable either way. If you truly have no feelings about the man you have nothing to hide/explain. But I would think if you have a good relationship it might feel more natural to tell him, not as some big confession, just being open about your life.

summerishereatlast · 26/06/2019 11:35

I have had similar happen to me, I tell dh but in a very bright and breezy way said in passing.
If you sit him down or tell him with some gravity he will assume there is more to it straight away, if it has been handled competently already.

Say something along the lines of
‘ Tom at work has taken abit of a shine to me’ then move onto something else swiftly. If he asks you for more details just play them down. Tell him you love him dearly and no one will ever come close!

summerishereatlast · 26/06/2019 11:36

Even if it has been handled

Pinkmouse6 · 26/06/2019 11:36

I wouldn’t tell your DH either. If this had happened to DP, I also wouldn’t want to know. You’d just be planting a seed of insecurity I think, he’d be worried about you being around this guy every day at work.

I think you handled it well, it’s over now so leave it at that.

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