Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not tell DH?

88 replies

TheLastCup · 26/06/2019 10:39

Interested in views as not totally sure about this.

A man I work with has made quite a significant play for me recently. I wasn't sure if it was in my imagination as we were friends so would talk to each other anyway etc but still tried to distance myself. He was pretty determined though and as soon as I backed away he essentially asked me out and said he has feelings etc. I said right away that I am not interested in him like that and it's just platonic and have avoided him since. He took it well (I think) and has backed off.

I haven't told DH yet though because I don't want him to worry. I am happy with how I handled it and fairly sure the matter is now over, but just don't want DH to get upset or feel weird or anything, or feel uncomfortable about a situation that is done and dusted in my eyes. Plus I still have to work with the guy.

IABU?

If the majority say IABU I'll tell him. I love DH very much and want to do the right thing.

OP posts:

tashac89 · 26/06/2019 12:32

I wouldn't even think about it being a thing, telling or not to be honest. It would likely come up here, we always talk about our day when the kids are in bed, but it's not something I would go out of my way to tell him OR keep a secret. It's just another part of my day that happened.

Magicpaintbrush · 26/06/2019 12:39

If this happened to my DH I would be pissed off if he didn't tell me and I found out later.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 26/06/2019 12:40

I'd probably tell him, but I don't think you're obliged to. Nothing happened, so there's not much to tell.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 26/06/2019 12:45

I think you've handled it impeccably and it's entirely your call as to how you move forward. I'm certain that DH and I don't tell one another 100% of things despite being happily married, and I don't think it hurts either of us.

The only thing I can see to sway you towards telling him is if the guy repeated the behaviour. If there's a chance of that happening I'd be upfront.

Zbag · 26/06/2019 12:55

There is a absolutely no need to tell DH.

MyInnerAlto · 26/06/2019 12:55

I'd tell my dh, not because I owe him an account of myself, but because it would be something that was happening to me and it would come up. But my dh would not feel insecure/jealous/threatened over it.

Similar may have already happened to my dh (who works in a female-dominated career area/setting) for all I know. I don't feel the need to know. I know he would handle it appropriately.

sevenoftwelve · 26/06/2019 12:56

Why would it rock the boat? It's not like you were the one who had your advances rebuffed.

Al203 · 26/06/2019 12:59

Collateral damage from doing life. Fortunes and fates of war. You swatted a fly, that’s all. Nothing to see anymore.

Jux · 26/06/2019 13:00

Why make a big thing of it? It's nothing and you've dealt with it.

SalemShadow · 26/06/2019 13:08

Had this happen to me and I didn't tell DH as didn't want him to worry

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 14:01

Had the radio on in the car on my lunch break and they're discussing this thread, it isn't the first time that they've taken threads from here to talk about either (I'm in Ireland)

NeverHadANickname · 26/06/2019 14:22

I would tell DH. No need to make a big deal out of it, just mention it. I don't see the point in not telling.

codemonkey · 26/06/2019 14:27

Why would your husband worry? I'd just say 'So-and-so has got the hots for me because I'm basically a sex god.

Husband would either have agreed or called me a twat depending on mood. End of story.

WMPAGL · 26/06/2019 14:34

Personally I would tell DH. I'd probably make a bit of a joke about how desirable I must be and how lucky DH is to have me, but also assure him that the CF (assuming he knew you were married) has been dealt with firmly.

If it were the other way around and he didn't tell me, and I found out down the road, I'd wonder why DH had deliberately kept it from me and probably struggle to believe it was just 'not to worry' me (which would feel a bit patronising at best).

I'd be much more likely to think there was more to it if he'd hidden it (reciprocation/affair) and he had been trying to cover his tracks. THAT'S what would rock the boat and cause a lack of trust for me.

JamdaniSari · 26/06/2019 14:42

No need to tell DH

Original poster

TheLastCup · 26/06/2019 21:23

It’s on the radio?

Ha maybe that’s how I could raise it. Say I heard this thing on the radio, what does he think?

So pleased I nc’d.

I’ve actually decided I’d rather not know as I wouldn’t want a seed of doubt planted that might worry me when he was at work drinks etc but I’m more about insecure than he is as have been cheated on in the past

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 26/06/2019 23:28

I wouldn't say anything. You dealt with it. It's over.

Did the colleague know that you're married?

If so, I wonder what gave him the impression you'd entertain him.

StayAChild · 27/06/2019 10:34

OP I can't help wondering whether your colleague heard it on the radio.

Honestly, half the stuff I'm reading on news sites is lifted from here, often changed/embellished a bit but still recognisable. I'm wondering whether there is actually any news based on facts these days!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/06/2019 16:17

@TheLastCup They've given you the name Suzie and the guy who asked you out is John from accounts and you DH is Patrick

It's the same the same show all the time that steals thread, saves them trying to think of new topics I suppose

AryaStarkWolf · 27/06/2019 16:18

@StayAChild Probably not unless the OP lives in Ireland :p

Ohyesiam · 27/06/2019 16:19

As a friend once said, telling him would amount to boasting

TheCatDidSay · 27/06/2019 16:44

If I was to hear from dh works college that Samatha was really coming into dh last year and I’d heard nothing of it I’d wonder why it was not something even mentioned in passing. Thus planting the seed of doubt.

Batqueen · 27/06/2019 16:45

I think for me depends on the individual relationship. I would tell dp because he would want to know and would feel worse if I hid it.

On the other hand, this happened to me with an ex and I didn’t tell him, then my friend accidentally told him! (Genuine accident she felt awful after.) He ended up feeling really angry - not at me or even the guy as he understood why I hadn’t told him and was happy with how I dealt with it and felt he couldn’t blame the guy for having excellent taste . But it just bothered him and he found the feeling hard to deal with. So if it had happened again I wouldn’t have told him again as I would have felt it would be unnecessarily upsetting him about something I’d already dealt with.

Nicolastuffedone · 27/06/2019 17:09

What would he feel upset or weird about if you don’t tell him??? You don’t want him to worry, you’ve dealt with it, what more is there to say?

poglets · 27/06/2019 17:13

I wouldn't tell my DH if the matter was done and dusted, the guy has backed off and you are comfortable that you didn't do anything that he can come back to later and use maliciously. Also, if you haven't told anyone else about this, a friend, a relative or a colleague who may talk. If it's done then leave it be.

However, if other people know or you feel it may cause trouble down the line then I would tell your DH. I'd make sure I thought about it and told him in the best way possible.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread