To not tell DH?

[TheLastCup]

Interested in views as not totally sure about this.

A man I work with has made quite a significant play for me recently. I wasn't sure if it was in my imagination as we were friends so would talk to each other anyway etc but still tried to distance myself. He was pretty determined though and as soon as I backed away he essentially asked me out and said he has feelings etc. I said right away that I am not interested in him like that and it's just platonic and have avoided him since. He took it well (I think) and has backed off.

I haven't told DH yet though because I don't want him to worry. I am happy with how I handled it and fairly sure the matter is now over, but just don't want DH to get upset or feel weird or anything, or feel uncomfortable about a situation that is done and dusted in my eyes. Plus I still have to work with the guy.

IABU?

If the majority say IABU I'll tell him. I love DH very much and want to do the right thing.

I wouldn't. I have been in a slightly similar situation twice - although on both occasions it happened at international meetings/conferences with male colleagues who work at the same company or same industry but at a different location (so it's not like I run into them regularly). In both cases I was being friendly, which they mistook for possibly wanting more. Quickly nipped it in the bud. Have seen one of these colleagues a few times since it happened and we are friendly, but keep our distance.

I disagree with TheHands that not telling him is equivalent to lying. Nothing happened, you made your position clear, move on. If my DH was in my shoes I'd also have no problem with him not telling me.

I would tell mine just to remind him how I should not be taken for granted but then OH is not a jealous type & there are no trust issues at all

I wouldn't bother, you are a grown woman and have dealt with it and the colleague has respectfully backed off.
What if they had to meet at a works do, could create drama, if dh knew.
If he hadnt backed off, then yes, I would. As it is nothing much to tell really.

I honestly don’t know what I’d want if it was the other way around. On one hand I’d want to know but on the other hand would i worry if he looked extra groomed for work or somesuch? I don’t know

When this has happened to me, and it has on several occasions- more because of my job role,rather then I’m a man magnet!- I’ve told exdp and he’s found it funny. If I hadn’t told him, and it came out, he would be asking why I felt the need to keep it secret.

I'd tell or it may look like theres more to it if it comes out later, say what you put in your op

I would 100 per cent tell my husband. You’ve don’t nothing wrong here. Secrets in marriages only lead to problems.

I would tell my husband. Then we would have a laugh about it.

Like a PP, I'd tell but in a lighthearted way.

It's dealt with op.
Telling your husband is going to cause him,possibly,insecurities,jealousy,mistrust,questioning normal after works drinks,maybe not out loud,but in his mind.
There's absolute point in causing him ,or you,extra worries.
I find reversing the situation helps,as in,would I like to know?
You're a strong,independent person who has dealt with a problem professionally and in a correct manner,leave it there,in the past.

Trust isn't an issue now, but it will be if he finds out years down the line. He will start to wonder what else you've kept from him over the years.

Tell him but don't make a big thing of it - almost as a funny thing.

'One of the guys at work asked me out the other day, soon put him in his place.' and leave it at the that.

If he asks any further just follow up with 'Nope, not remotely interested, why would I be, I love you and have no interest in anyone else'

I would tell as I would want to know the other way

DP has had this situation and told me- I felt glad he did- I was able to have it in perspective as I trust him but we talk about everything so it would feel weird not to tell him/ him not to tell me

Telling your husband is going to cause him,possibly,insecurities,jealousy,mistrust

I would have thought that keeping secrets is more likely to cause those things.

One of my friends’ husband made a pass at me once. I didn’t tell my husband. There was no point. I dealt with it and moved on. Telling him would have made it much more important than it was.

Why potentially worry him when there's no reason to? You're an independent person and you dealt with it admirably. Colleague appears to have got the message.

I wouldn't want to know as I would probably always have a little niggle about it, especially if you were going on conference or similar, however much I trusted you.

Nothing happened, why tell your husband? There's no point and I don't see how it would 'come out later' but even if it did, you've done nothing wrong . I don't get these people who feel they have to tell their spouses every little thing, significant or not. It's pathetic.

I don't get these people who feel they have to tell their spouses every little thing, significant or not. It's pathetic

No it isn't! For us, it's like best friends who talk a lot- for others, they prefer not to. Neither is pathetic- horses for courses etc

I would tell my husband this. You have done exactly the right thing, and there's nothing dubious to tell him.

Why potentially worry him when there's no reason to?

Why conceal something from him when there's nothing dubious to conceal?

It's infantilising to suppose that a partner would be excessively challenged or upset by the OP's perfectly reasonable response to the situation.

I didn’t infantilise my husband, although he’d have been pretty angry. It just wasn’t important.

I don’t think it’s wrong not to tell him, but I personally would. I’ve had this sort of thing in the past at work and kept it secret, which I eventually found to be quite a strain just because I’m used to telling DH everything. So my policy is now to always tell. I don’t think he would be worried, would he? Doesn’t sound like there’s anything to worry about. It’s not like you reciprocated or anything.

Similar happened to me.

I told my husband and I am so glad I did, because he ALREADY knew. Some kind (not) soul, that worked with us both, had 'bumped' into my husband at the pub and decided to tell him that this man was making it obvious that he fancied me.....

Luckily I told my husband about it within 2 days of him being told.

Husband wanted to confront the other man, and I let him. That man left soon after and lots of other women then came forward to say that he'd tried it on with them also.

He was a predator and it was a relief when he left.

Are you the 'only' woman at work that he has tried this with?

I wouldn’t bother telling him. You haven’t done anything wrong.

I still get chatted up when I’m out having a drink with friends. I just say no thanks I’m married. I don’t go home and tell DH every time it happens (which is A LOT obviously, because I’m so fit).

Don't keep secrets involving Other People from your DH.

That's it in a nutshell.

I'd tell him, if I were you. A friend's husband did something similar to me (only he tried to escalate it a lot further, and threatened to tell my DH things were happening that simply weren't.) I'd been open with DH about it all along, which left the awful man with no cards to play and zero power over me. It was a horrible situation all round, but trust between me and DH was never an issue and we could stay strong as a team. I'm sure this won't happen here, it sounds like you're all sorted, but I do think being honest at this stage might be good as a bit of insurance for the future if your colleague oversteps again.