Need help with Bullying. Feel like school is dragging their feet.

[GhostBustersFavouriteMum]

I really need some help, possibly with perspective, so posting here for traffic.
DD is yr9 and has been targeted by a couple of girls in her year, one of whom is in her form both are in at least some of her classes. For the sake of not drip feeding DD is 14 and a size 14 she's busty and hippy and has a bit of a pot belly. She looks like Sofia Loren body wise. Anyway she's told us she thinks she's gay as she likes boys and girls but not sure how that will manifest yet and frankly we don't care who she loves makes no nevermind to us, but this is relevant as that and her weight are reasons she's being bullied. One girl has always bullied her about her weight but one girl who was a friend has now taken to joining in with the bully and is openly homophobic. Is proud to be.
Essentially it's either 'you're a fat' insert potty mouth of your choice she's been at the end of them all including the Cbomb. And/or 'you're disgusting. You're going to ruin the world because there will be no more babies' Or My personal favourite 'that's gross. People like you should be aborted'

DD has had several days off due to mental health issues all resulting from the bullying. She's talking about self harming and about not wanting to go on. We are absolutely beside ourselves to see her so sad.
I have contacted school a lot of these messages were over text and we have them on screen shot. The school have started an investigation. Another investigation. The problem is the bullies deny it, the school have put in place a counsellor for DDs self esteem issues, pat themselves on the back having investigated and met their guidelines. Meanwhile the bullies snigger and carry on.

To top it off one of the bullies has now started playing mind games making out DD is getting her parents in trouble (won't say how just spreading it around that DD is saying stuff about her parents) and calling out DD for staring at her when DD is trying to work in class, making sure her male entourage pay all sorts of attention and seethe at DD. And kids being kids, sheep like and with a sense of self preservation one assumes, they can't wait to rally round the bully and stick the boot in.

I am currently pushing for someone to take this seriously at the school. It'll be LEA next if I don't get anywhere.

So in the spirit of the thread AIBU to ask Mumsnet for any assistance or advice on how to proceed.
Thanks all.

You have the messages? they are homophobic in content - the police. Its harassment. Cyber bullying is now a crime. It is also homophobic hate crime.

Schools can be either very effective or next to useless. Yours seems to be the latter. So, yes, the police is your next port of call.

Yes very homophobic. She actually says she's proud to be homophobic. I feel like I need to let the school finish their investigation first? Getting the police involved feels like it would make things worse for DD?

That's awful Op sorry you and DD are going through this
Would moving her to another school be an option? I ask because I moved my DS last year to another school (due to bullying) and it was honestly the best thing I could have done.
If you have the screenshots/evidence I would def contact the police - even just to get their advice if nothing else.

I hadn't thought about just asking for advice from the police. That's a really good idea. Maybe asking them to see the school head to see if they will suddenly find a better safeguarding policy re bullying? Hmmm that is worth looking into. Thanks @Rocky and @Valid, x

Just to add, I moved my DS as his old school were so obviously trying to play down the seriousness of what happened, protecting their school "brand" rather than my child.

That sounds very familiar @Rocky. It sucks doesn't it.

Moving schools is a last resort, if your DD is generally settled with friends, don't let her be driven out. Bullies can only bully if they get a reaction - and I know it's so easier said than done - but the best thing you can do is give her the tools to deal with idiots like this.

If you feed a fire with oxygen, it grows, pay it no attention and it fades out.

Policies should be on the school website - you need to pick through it carefully, see where they are not meeting your DDs needs. Escalate to the governors - but yes, I'd go to the police if the school was that ineffective.

Awful @GhostBustersFavouriteMum really hope you get sorted. You sound like a great mum x

I feel like I'm drowning in waves of shite parenting at the moment @RockysMa I feel so powerless
@MyOpinionIsValid to be honest moving schools isn't an option. DDs school is good and the next nearest is in special measures! She has friends and I am trying everything in my power to give her tools. The thing is advice we got as kids is not really relevant now with social media. I've got pages and pages of research on current advice on dealing with bullying, I'm hoping something will help DD. I will escalate to governors if I've not got a resolution by the end of the week. Thanks for that advice @MyOpinionIsValid

I promise I'm not just saying this but Your dd sounds gorgeous.
I agree if the school are doing anything then get on to the police.
Its homophobic abuse. As well as bullying its also a serious crime.

Hope you get it sorted.

School should be doing more.

Social media use is an awkward one in my experience as these are actions out of school. My first port of call as a tutor with social media is to tell the victim to remove and block anyone who bullies them from social media. Then only have people added who they know and are friends with. Take away the 24/7 electronic contact from the home end. Ultimately, school aren't responsible for her/their social media use out of school.

With regards to in school, I would go beyond head of year and speak to whoever is the senior leader in charge of pastoral. Politely request a meeting to discuss the bullying towards your daughter in school and to agree some next steps in resolving the situation. Bring your copies of the messages so far, ask your daughter to keep a log of what is happening.

It can be difficult when bullies and their followers close ranks and start planning their stories, but a good school doesn't entertain it and there are ways around it (e.g. speaking to other students from classes where it happens confidentially, send a round robin to staff asking them to log any unpleasant behaviour, however small, on the behaviour system, notice in staff briefing to staff to keep their ear to the ground and to report back any plotting, scheming they hear from specific students)

Cross posted with your update OP.

Please don't go to governors. It's advice that comes out on mumsnet all the time and usually it isn't the appropriate course of action.

School issues usually go in this order (depending on academic/pastoral):

1. Relevant class teacher / form tutor
2. Department leadership / head of year
3. Senior leader for progress or teaching / senior leader for pastoral or safeguarding Or SEND
4. Head teacher
5. Official complaint in writing to the head teacher
6. Official complaint in writing to governing body/MAT/LA

Bigger incidents might go straight to SLT.

The DfE state parents wishing to formally complain should check their school's complaint policy and should move up each stage in order. Jumping stages seems to be encouraged a lot on MN but it doesn't always get the result you want.

I feel like I need to let the school finish their investigation first?

I suspect they're treading water to the Summer holidays and hoping it gets forgotten. Don't let them ignore it. Go to the police.

@Lolasmiles that is great advice thank you. DD is keeping a log and has now blocked the girl who is homophobic, as I said they were friends. The other girl has been blocked always. The head of pastoral is meeting with DD tomorrow and she's taking her log, copies of screen shots and her thoughts diary which we've asked her keep since she started to be bullied, for us to see how she's feeling and let us talk over anything worrying as well as for her own sake. Her school counsellor is aware of the situation as is her tutor but my goodness he's a waste of space. From what DD says he's totally ineffective in asserting himself over the class. Just sort of wafts away any concerns to the head of year who gets DDs name wrong half the time. I've done everything by email and today I got a reply of 'if there is bullying it will be looked into blah blah' I was apoplectic. DP said I was crimson. I mean how much more has to happen? Aghhh

@Kazzy that's exactly what DP said. I wondered whether we were so close to it we were looking for conspiracy theories! Glad someone else thought that.

I'll update when I have a response X thanks all .

Ask the head of pastoral for next steps after the meeting.
Depending on how that goes tell them that you are escalating this to the police now and ask to be directed to the school’s complaint policy. That will hopefully make them get their arses into gear.
I, too, suspect that school are happy to drag their feet until the summer holidays.

Some form tutors can be ineffective, especially if they're the type who views having a form as an inconvenience rather than a professional role, and/or has no behaviour management beyond being permissive and matey and letting kids get away with whatever they like.

Hopefully the head of year will use some common sense and some of the strategies I've mentioned earlier and doesn't just take statements from a group of mates who club together.

Keep us updated.

I can't understand why with what we know about how damaging bullying is to mental health that the school is so Laiseez-faire about it. 😖

I will @lola I am actually crying I'm so relieved that I may actually be able to make this better for DD. Thank you all so much, I'm hopeful x

When my daughter was being bullied at this age, I had to get onto the school every day. Don't e mail - phone! Demand to be put through to the head of year. Ask what they are doing and tell them what you will do if the steps they take are ineffective.

One of the boys bullying my daughter was given four 'final warnings!' So I gave the school one final warning that if this 6 foot bully went near my 5 foot daughter again I would turn up with the police. They took me seriously when I confronted his mother at parents evening which was co-incidentally the same day. Don't let them evade their responsibilities because they will try to do that.

@Polly I have politely asked the weight bully's Mum to have a word with her DD. She has responded with staring at DD with a fag on in the car as DD walks home. She's actually curb crawled as DD walks home laughing with her DD. We live in a small town and this girls Mum is one of the massively flirty party hard all weekenders that seems to know everyone and can do no wrong as she's such a personality and her family have lived in the town for the last 10 million years. The homophobic bully's Mum is just as enlightened as her DD.

Don't e mail - phone!

Do both, you need a written record. Things said by phone are too easy to deny afterwards.

Ugh x I’d be wanting to go on the darknet to get Someone to rough the little cows up
Massively unhelpful I know
I would make getting them punished a full time hobby .
Police
Governors
LEA
Throw everything you have at it

Is there anything else ? Other than local Facebook which could hugely backfire

I am so sorry . I wish you luck and hope better advice than mine comes along

Yeah, email is my preferred method of complaint!