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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need help with Bullying. Feel like school is dragging their feet.

88 replies

GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 25/06/2019 19:20

I really need some help, possibly with perspective, so posting here for traffic.
DD is yr9 and has been targeted by a couple of girls in her year, one of whom is in her form both are in at least some of her classes. For the sake of not drip feeding DD is 14 and a size 14 she's busty and hippy and has a bit of a pot belly. She looks like Sofia Loren body wise. Anyway she's told us she thinks she's gay as she likes boys and girls but not sure how that will manifest yet and frankly we don't care who she loves makes no nevermind to us, but this is relevant as that and her weight are reasons she's being bullied. One girl has always bullied her about her weight but one girl who was a friend has now taken to joining in with the bully and is openly homophobic. Is proud to be.
Essentially it's either 'you're a fat' insert potty mouth of your choice she's been at the end of them all including the Cbomb. And/or 'you're disgusting. You're going to ruin the world because there will be no more babies' Or My personal favourite 'that's gross. People like you should be aborted'

DD has had several days off due to mental health issues all resulting from the bullying. She's talking about self harming and about not wanting to go on. We are absolutely beside ourselves to see her so sad.
I have contacted school a lot of these messages were over text and we have them on screen shot. The school have started an investigation. Another investigation. The problem is the bullies deny it, the school have put in place a counsellor for DDs self esteem issues, pat themselves on the back having investigated and met their guidelines. Meanwhile the bullies snigger and carry on.

To top it off one of the bullies has now started playing mind games making out DD is getting her parents in trouble (won't say how just spreading it around that DD is saying stuff about her parents) and calling out DD for staring at her when DD is trying to work in class, making sure her male entourage pay all sorts of attention and seethe at DD. And kids being kids, sheep like and with a sense of self preservation one assumes, they can't wait to rally round the bully and stick the boot in.

I am currently pushing for someone to take this seriously at the school. It'll be LEA next if I don't get anywhere.

So in the spirit of the thread AIBU to ask Mumsnet for any assistance or advice on how to proceed.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
Kyriesmum1 · 05/07/2019 06:56

My daughter was bullied at school, including lots of disgusting messages sent via various social media. We contacted the police, they were brilliant. They went round to speak to the girl in question and laid it on thick. I told them I didn't want her to have a criminal record so they just used scare tactics and it worked. DD has no more issues with said girl. School were amazing too, ask for an appointment with head of year. If you feel this hasn't achieved anything then ask for a meeting with head. Also look at schools policies as they should all be on their website. They should have one regarding complaints and one for bullying.

I really hope your daughter is ok now? DD used to self harm because of bullying, it's so scary and I know how useless you feel. I'm telling you now that there was nothing more you could have done! You will feel pants and like you have failed her but you haven't. Be there for her so she can see that you care about her. She will be feeling like no one cares and will be in a bad place for a while, it's taken DD nearly 2 years to be signed off from cahms. Please push for a referral. It will be a bit of a wait but your daughter will be top of the list because of what she has done. Big hugs to both of you, please feel free to ask me any questions if you have any re cahms or school complaints (I'm a governor at local secondary) xx

KatherineJaneway · 05/07/2019 06:56

So sorry to hear this Flowers

Yawninfinitum · 05/07/2019 07:05

Oh OP so sorry
I assume school had done nothing and the bullying had ramped up?

My DS is being bullied and I totally feel your sense of pain and anger and helplessness

Tell your DD that the women of MN think she sounds brave and wonderful and that we are willing her better.

Take care of yourself and your lovely DD.

Rm2018 · 05/07/2019 07:30

Really hope your daughter is ok xx

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 05/07/2019 12:10

How are you both doing today OP? Been thinking of you both.

notfromstepford · 05/07/2019 15:28

Oh OP, so sorry to hear this, I hope your DD recovers well Flowers

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 05/07/2019 16:43

Hi everyone. DD been discharged after the test results came back ok thankfully. CAMHS are giving the school a rocket. Will speak to the police next week. She's been referred and assessed and has her care plan appointment coming in the post. I've told the School DD will NOT be in next week. Looking at Alternative Education Provision for the next couple of years, although CAMHS felt it would be better if she stayed in school Hmm not sure about that. I'll read these lovely messages to DD when she's feeling better. Feeling very blessed for extended family and friends at the moment xxx

OP posts:
cstaff · 05/07/2019 16:53

It's absolutely horrendous that it had to come to this for any serious attention to be paid to what has been going on. I hope your dd gets over if possible what has happened to her. Flowers to you both. Hope she recovers soon.

Monr0e · 05/07/2019 16:54

Sending lots of best wishes to you and your DD. It matters not one bit what CAMHS think. Your daughter's mental health is the most important thing here and you sound a wonderful mum.

I'm sure taking her out of school seems like a very drastic option however in only a couple of years time she will be beyond school age anyway. School is just a means to an end, and as I'm sure you are finding out, not the only option available for your DD. Good luck with everything

Cheby · 05/07/2019 17:12

I’m glad you’ve been discharged and your on your way home. What have the school said to you? I hope they have at least attempted an apology and are offering some support. And I don’t care that they’re under 16, the girls doing the homophobic bullying need to be arrested and charged.

RockysMa · 05/07/2019 23:29

Oh Op just reading your updates. I'm so sorry you and your poor DD are going through this. Thanks

Writersblock2 · 06/07/2019 00:01

My god, your poor daughter. Nobody should have to go through that. I’m so sorry, OP. Thinking of you both.

justilou1 · 06/07/2019 07:51

I am so glad she’s home and she has you fighting on her side. I spent a year crying and vomiting before and after school because of bullying and would go into she-wolf mode for my kids too. So glad the school is having a new one torn for them. Please give her a big hug from Australia!

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 06/07/2019 10:47

Hello everyone. So much lovely lovely support here thank you. We had a message from the head of pastoral care on Thursday asking for an update, sending their thoughts etc. I contacted school on Thursday afternoon to tell them DD had been admitted and that is the last contact we have had. Nobody has called, emailed, dropped a note through nothing. If we've not heard anything from the school by Wednesday then I think our only recourse is to assume that IS their response and we'll contact the LEA in order to put other provision in place. I actually can't believe we've not heard anything at all from the school. I honestly thought this would be 'action stations' and by end of school Friday there would be a best practice plan in place and we'd have someone calling to arrange a home visit. What a naive idiot I am. I'll keep you posted regarding any movement on anything. Flowers for all you lovely people. Thank you xxx

OP posts:
justilou1 · 06/07/2019 12:26

Oh my god..... she has been taught by robots. I suspect they are busily running around trying to cover their butts.

cstaff · 06/07/2019 14:26

It's not that she has been taught by robots although it must feel like that. It is just that the school have received legal advice and have been told to keep their mouths shut in case they say or do anything that could be held against them.

What they are forgetting is that a young child is stuck in the middle of their mess and it looks like they don't give a flying fuck.

Yawninfinitum · 06/07/2019 18:24

Awful reaction by the school and very hurtful

So glad you sound strong tho.

bringbacksideburns · 06/07/2019 18:44

How is your daughter doing today?

Hurting herself like that could have been a permanent solution to a very temporary problem, as they say. Things may seem hopeless now but the worse is over. She never has to face these pathetic people again. They are so not worth it.

Tbh in this case I wouldn't give a shit if it goes on a record. They are homophobic. Report to the Police as a Hate crime. Also make it clear you did try to resolve it with one of the mum's who then trailed your child in a car intimidating her and hopefully they'll have a word with her too. What a scumbag.

School sound totally ineffective. Wait to see what happens next with them.
I hope you can get alternative provision and support.

RockysMa · 06/07/2019 20:29

Makes me so angry to hear the school haven't so much as lifted the phone to you. As pp said they are probably trying to get their asses covered. We had a similar experience with DSs school, makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
Hugs to you and DD x

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 07/07/2019 12:13

Hi everyone. DD is feeling much better today. DP took her out yesterday with our dog while I had a serreptitious search of her room, just in case. We've also locked all pills away in a medicine lock box. It feels awful but I am telling myself it's not that I don't believe her, (she's promised she won't do it again) but that I have to take reasonable precautions to keep her safe. Next week DD's GDP's are taking her out for a trip while DP and I create a list of options for her education with the LEA. DD seems to have the weight of Atlas lifted from her shoulders knowing that she won't have to go back to school with those awful girls. I'll let you know how we get on with the LEA and whether we actually hear from the school xxx

OP posts:
Spudina · 07/07/2019 12:28

Glad she is doing getter OP. No need to feel bad taking sensible precautions. Good luck with the LEA. X

cstaff · 07/07/2019 12:34

Glad to hear that she is feeling better OP and guilty as you may feel about searching her room you are just doing your best to protect her. Any parent would do the same.

Hopefully you will get a positive response from the school but tbh I wouldn't hold my breath. Flowers

bringbacksideburns · 07/07/2019 16:57

Sounds really positive.
Glad she is feeling better.

Good luck to her xxx

cstaff · 14/07/2019 11:27

@GhostBustersFavouriteMum Hey there ghost. Just wondering how your little girl is doing. Have you heard anything from LEA or is it going to be term time before anything happens. I hope you are all able to relax and enjoy your summer Flowers and plenty of Wine

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 15/07/2019 15:49

Hi everyone.
Had a meeting with the school, police and the LEA last week.
The outcomes were:

Police are moving forward with an interview of bully 2 about homophobic abuse.

The school said they would put in place a meeting with DD and bully 1 plus teaching staff in the hope that if DD explains impact the bully will suddenly grow a conscious. I said I thought they were being naive, but have agreed so that matters can be escalated if it continues, which it probably will.
LEA have said if we choose to home school we'll be totally on our own unless CAMHS sign DD off as unable to attend school on medical grounds then she'd get a GCSE tutor for as long as she was signed off.
DD has first CAMHS appointment in a fortnight.

The LEA have said that there are no grounds for exclusion of bully 1 or 2, not even the homophobic bullying as it was outside of school hours.

The school have said they will ask bully 1 to sign a behaviour contract, but if she says she won't they can't make her.

As for the future the school have said DD should try and 'avoid' the bully by using library etc at break time.
That was all they had planned.

We have asked for a pass which allows DD leave class and/or school if she feels she needs to without having to explain why. This has been agreed to.
I said I was disappointed that the school were putting the onus on DD to change her behaviour and not teaching the bully that her behaviour won't be tolerated to which I was met with absolute silence and then after a clearing of the throat "I'm not sure what you're expecting us to do ... We can't make XXX change her behaviour to DD, we can only monitor the situation and curb it" I shit you not, that was the Deputy Head.
Seriously considering how to proceed now.

OP posts: