Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need help with Bullying. Feel like school is dragging their feet.

88 replies

GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 25/06/2019 19:20

I really need some help, possibly with perspective, so posting here for traffic.
DD is yr9 and has been targeted by a couple of girls in her year, one of whom is in her form both are in at least some of her classes. For the sake of not drip feeding DD is 14 and a size 14 she's busty and hippy and has a bit of a pot belly. She looks like Sofia Loren body wise. Anyway she's told us she thinks she's gay as she likes boys and girls but not sure how that will manifest yet and frankly we don't care who she loves makes no nevermind to us, but this is relevant as that and her weight are reasons she's being bullied. One girl has always bullied her about her weight but one girl who was a friend has now taken to joining in with the bully and is openly homophobic. Is proud to be.
Essentially it's either 'you're a fat' insert potty mouth of your choice she's been at the end of them all including the Cbomb. And/or 'you're disgusting. You're going to ruin the world because there will be no more babies' Or My personal favourite 'that's gross. People like you should be aborted'

DD has had several days off due to mental health issues all resulting from the bullying. She's talking about self harming and about not wanting to go on. We are absolutely beside ourselves to see her so sad.
I have contacted school a lot of these messages were over text and we have them on screen shot. The school have started an investigation. Another investigation. The problem is the bullies deny it, the school have put in place a counsellor for DDs self esteem issues, pat themselves on the back having investigated and met their guidelines. Meanwhile the bullies snigger and carry on.

To top it off one of the bullies has now started playing mind games making out DD is getting her parents in trouble (won't say how just spreading it around that DD is saying stuff about her parents) and calling out DD for staring at her when DD is trying to work in class, making sure her male entourage pay all sorts of attention and seethe at DD. And kids being kids, sheep like and with a sense of self preservation one assumes, they can't wait to rally round the bully and stick the boot in.

I am currently pushing for someone to take this seriously at the school. It'll be LEA next if I don't get anywhere.

So in the spirit of the thread AIBU to ask Mumsnet for any assistance or advice on how to proceed.
Thanks all.

OP posts:
user1471590586 · 25/06/2019 21:17

Email the head and copy the governors in. Also copy it to the LEA and Ofsted. Contact the police as well to make a complaint. Hope you get it sorted.

Pollywollydolly · 25/06/2019 21:44

It's no wonder the girls are bullies with mothers like those. The boy whose mother I confronted was African so I hoped his mother would be angry with him rather than me.
I hope you can get this sorted with the school x

LolaSmiles · 25/06/2019 21:53

Email the head and copy the governors in. Also copy it to the LEA and Ofsted. Contact the police as well to make a complaint.

OP, this is the sort of terrible MN advice I was alluding to earlier.

I'd love a pinned thread for schools that said: 'how to complain and raise issues with schools: effective advice vs unhelpful advice'

user1471590586 · 26/06/2019 17:52

Thank you for your reply Lola. From the experience my friend had with our childrens primary school in regards to bullying (racism) the only thing that got the schools attention was contacting the police. The school governors basically ignored and fobbed off the parent. She was told by the head that he couldn't guarantee that the racism wouldn't happen again. She has now removed her children from the school. Others who have also written complaints to the head about racism and bullying have been told that there are three weeks to the end of term so it will all go away. One was told that the school can't get the required people together for a meeting and the head isn't available. The senco rang her instead and said to the parent "what do you want us to do about it then". We are desperate for Ofsted to come in due to a general decline in the curriculum (barely any PE, no music opportunities etc), behaviour, sen provision and results at the school. So yes, I would contact Ofsted. My friend even wrote to the CEO of the multi academy to complain about a data protection breach where the office staff have gossiped. Never got a reply. She just gave up trying to get a response in the end. There are so many levels to the complaints procedure that parents just give up and remove their children.

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 26/06/2019 18:03

Hi all.

A quick update. DD has been to see the head of Pastoral care today. She's handed over all the logs and evidence. She's had a really great day today as she's had no run ins with the bullies. Perhaps a coincidence but it may be something that's been put in place ... Either way it made my heart glad to have a smiling DD come home from school. I'll keep you posted. X

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 26/06/2019 18:26

user1471590586
If things need escalating then they should be through the correct channels, including police if need be and right up to Ofsted complaints.

It doesn't change the fact that telling people to jump to the highest levels (which happens regularly on MN) is totally uhelpful advice because all the higher levels will ask (other than police if it is a criminal matter) is if you've followed the school complaint policy and if the answer is no then you get redirected back.

A typical hierarchy of complaints / raising things is:
Class/form teacher
Head of department/ head of year (with some mid serious things or cross subject things starting here)
Relevant member of SLT
Head
Formal complaint to the head
Formal complaint to governors

Jumping to formal complaint to governors isn't how to get a productive resolution.

GhostBustersFavouriteMum That's a great start OP. I'm glad there's the sign of a resolution. The key thing will be to see what the situation is like in a week. Does she know who to go to if anything starts again?

Tigger001 · 26/06/2019 18:32

It sounds great that you DD has had a good day, but the first sniff of trouble again and I would be going straight to the police station. (I would probably go anyway,but wouldn't want to kick start it all off if it's stopped.) sadly, normally with bullies they need something to stop them.

A child deserves to be able to go to school without this treatment from ignorant imbeciles bring cruel. I can't believe the school has not suspended these people and are dragging their feet so much.

Good luck your DD sounds lovely 💐💐💐

user1471590586 · 26/06/2019 19:17

Lola. The problem is the complaints procedure doesn't always work and parents are frustrated. Maybe it's worse in primary schools, ours simply isn't run in a professional manner. I kid you not the head at our primary hides from parents; he ignores requests for meetings. He refused to come out of his office to talk to one parent who needed to speak to him about a serious issue. My friend followed the complaints procedure right up to the governors who ignored her. She gave up chasing in the end. My other friend followed the complaints procedure and ended up removing her children. This was after facing obstacles such as unavailability for meetings and non reply to official written complaints.

Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 26/06/2019 20:18

@Lola yes DD has been told that the lady in reception always knows where the head of pastoral care, and both school counsellors are so she should go to her and wait for one of them to turn up.

@Tigger I am wary of involving the police in case the school are totally ineffective and DD is left to fend for herself with these girls.

I'm hoping that DD has the same day tomorrow. It seems a day at a time is the way it is at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 26/06/2019 20:19

@user that sounds awful! I hope DDs school is slightly better 😖

OP posts:
Original poster
GhostBustersFavouriteMum · 04/07/2019 22:53

I wanted to update you. Currently in a reclining chair next to my daughter's hospital bed. She took an overdose at school. They're monitoring her in case there's organ damage. Whoever said words can never hurt you was an idiot.

OP posts:
Hippee · 04/07/2019 23:12

So sorry GhostBustersFavouriteMum - I hope that she is okay.

NatashaRomanov · 04/07/2019 23:12

Oh OP Sad
I hope your girl makes a good recovery.
You must be going through hell right now.
Sending virtual hugs. Flowers

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 04/07/2019 23:29

Oh OP that's horrific, I cant begin to imagine your pain. Sadly, I can emphasize with your daughter. When I was 13 I tried to run away, drink bleach and throw myself down the stairs to escape my bullies.

I wish I could offer words to help but all I can say is school is not forever and life outside of it is so much better, this wont be her forever and I prayer the school actually act now and make serious changes and maybe outside agencies get involved and support you both and liaise with school Flowers

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 05/07/2019 05:36

Take your DD out of that school immediately OP.
Homeschool, change schools whatever you have to do to protect her. Terribly sorry for you and DD. Prayers.

user1471519931 · 05/07/2019 06:08

Oh no so sorry for you as your poor DD. When she recovers then you can involve the police xx

justilou1 · 05/07/2019 06:11

Oh you poor thing... I just read the whole thing and your final update is heartbreaking. Your poor little girl! I can't believe these shits got away with this kind of behaviour for so long. I think it's time to put in complaints about dickhead tutor getting her name wrong half the time, the mother curb-crawling, etc.... and contact the police. These people need to know that some things hurt more than words. Press charges. (when you're up to it.). I do hope DD recovers quickly physically and emotionally. I do hope that one day very soon this doesn't matter anymore.

tigwig76 · 05/07/2019 06:22

I'm so sorry OP that's truly horrific for you. Your poor dd. She's in the right place and will get through this.
Do not send her back to that school. Is there any hospital schools on your area or alternative education? When my dd was going through a tough time (nothing as bad as what you are) I looked at other options and they do exist for children who school is not considered the best option for them.
Concentrate on getting your dd better and reassure her she doesnt have to go back. Stay strong and I'm sending a virtual hug for both of you xx

Cannyhandleit · 05/07/2019 06:29

I have a friend who is going through similar issue with her daughter with bullying, not homophobic but it's been ongoing for over a year with the school not doing enough. My friend became so frustrated with the lack of action from the school so she went to the police who took it very seriously and it gave the school a shake!
Report it to the police OP it is a serious issue

Cannyhandleit · 05/07/2019 06:30

Sorry I've just realised this is an old post and there has been an update 🤦‍♀️

Cannyhandleit · 05/07/2019 06:31

I'm sooo sorry you are going through this and I hope your daughter recovers well! No one should have to go through what she is!

Cannyhandleit · 05/07/2019 06:31

I'm sooo sorry you are going through this and I hope your daughter recovers well! No one should have to go through what she is!

Cheby · 05/07/2019 06:48

I’m so sorry OP. I really hope your DD recovers from this soon, physically, and that you are well supported in helping her recover mentally.

I’m assuming the police will now be involved, but if they’re not, please do involve them ASAP.

Kyriesmum1 · 05/07/2019 06:56

My daughter was bullied at school, including lots of disgusting messages sent via various social media. We contacted the police, they were brilliant. They went round to speak to the girl in question and laid it on thick. I told them I didn't want her to have a criminal record so they just used scare tactics and it worked. DD has no more issues with said girl. School were amazing too, ask for an appointment with head of year. If you feel this hasn't achieved anything then ask for a meeting with head. Also look at schools policies as they should all be on their website. They should have one regarding complaints and one for bullying.

I really hope your daughter is ok now? DD used to self harm because of bullying, it's so scary and I know how useless you feel. I'm telling you now that there was nothing more you could have done! You will feel pants and like you have failed her but you haven't. Be there for her so she can see that you care about her. She will be feeling like no one cares and will be in a bad place for a while, it's taken DD nearly 2 years to be signed off from cahms. Please push for a referral. It will be a bit of a wait but your daughter will be top of the list because of what she has done. Big hugs to both of you, please feel free to ask me any questions if you have any re cahms or school complaints (I'm a governor at local secondary) xx

Kyriesmum1 · 05/07/2019 06:56

My daughter was bullied at school, including lots of disgusting messages sent via various social media. We contacted the police, they were brilliant. They went round to speak to the girl in question and laid it on thick. I told them I didn't want her to have a criminal record so they just used scare tactics and it worked. DD has no more issues with said girl. School were amazing too, ask for an appointment with head of year. If you feel this hasn't achieved anything then ask for a meeting with head. Also look at schools policies as they should all be on their website. They should have one regarding complaints and one for bullying.

I really hope your daughter is ok now? DD used to self harm because of bullying, it's so scary and I know how useless you feel. I'm telling you now that there was nothing more you could have done! You will feel pants and like you have failed her but you haven't. Be there for her so she can see that you care about her. She will be feeling like no one cares and will be in a bad place for a while, it's taken DD nearly 2 years to be signed off from cahms. Please push for a referral. It will be a bit of a wait but your daughter will be top of the list because of what she has done. Big hugs to both of you, please feel free to ask me any questions if you have any re cahms or school complaints (I'm a governor at local secondary) xx