Mother demanding to be first to see newborn grandson.

[LadyHarrogate]

Hi
I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my mum has a knack of making me doubt myself.
Our first born is due in next few weeks.
I have had a conversation with my mother on the weekend regarding this and she has demanded in, well a demanding tone, that she and my dad have to be the first to see their grandson.
I asked why and she stated ' they deserved it as the girls parents ' .
I laughed and advised that would not be happening as wanted my in laws to have equal rights to see the baby and to not prioritise one set of GPs over the other.
She wasn't pleased with this and went into a major sulk.

For context, our baby will be her 4th grandson and it will be my husbands parents first grandchild.
I don't object if my parents get to the hospital first as we don't know for sure when our baby boy will arrive, so who knows which grandparent will get there first, but I object to having to prioritise my parents for no reason and treating my husbands parents like second class citizens. I'm excited for all grandparents to meet our LO.
We've had no such demands from my in-laws.
My mum has form for this type of thing.
AIBU to refuse her demands?

YANBU, she doesn’t get to dictate anything.

YANBU. She sounds like a handful! Well done for setting clear boundaries and keeping to them OP.

YANBU
Start as you mean to go on.

Also tell her you're starting very early on your own quest for equal grandmothering privileges

Why does it matter to her? Is it a control thing to keep the other grandparents below her in grandparent pecking order?.

A refreshing post re in-laws! You sound very fair minded OP. Have a happy birthing day

YANBU. You can’t tell before the birth whether you will feel like seeing anyone at all. Just keep it quiet when you go into labour and announce when you are ready. Then issue invitations.

I’d make it clear that you won’t be allowing competitive grandparenting and that applies from day 1.

I would make sure the other grandparents got to see the baby first, just to piss her off. But then I hate people trying to control me and dictating stupid rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

went into a major sulk
people who 'demand' things go their way deserve to spend a lot of their time in a major sulk. Let her crack on. Ignore such behaviour.

Silly woman!

@sue51 yes it's a control thing I think and also because ' she deserves it'

I would love just a normal reaction from her to what it going to be hopefully the most momentous joyful experience of mine and husbands lives but she has to taint that

‘Sorry mother but dh and I will be the first to meet him! after that we will decide when we are ready for visitors and that invitation will be extended to all equalky’

Don't tell anyone when you go to hospital. Enjoy your birth less stressed. Then send identical messages and pics to her +Mil. Mils first obviously! She won't know but you will!

@Cloudyapples
Yup that's what I have said to her and has resulted in mega sulk.

@nohria thank you.

Just don't tell her when you're in labour/at the hospital. She's being weird.

Tell he if she wants “girl grandparent” privileges she will be first on call for babysitting, childcare, financial aid.

If she is unavailable at any time she will be demoted.

It’s this stereotyping bollocks about “a girl is a daughter for all of her life, a boy is a son until he takes a wife”.

YANBU
How petty of her! Not a good start really is it? If she’s competing over who sees him first what will she be like when it’s his first Christmas? First person to babysit?
I’m exhausted for you already OP.

Hopefully, this is just some weird thing about the birth but keep an eye out that this could just be the beginning of her competing with your in-laws over your son, and going into a sulk whenever she thinks you’re “preferring” them (i.e. doing anything with them at all). You said this is her fourth grandson, but is this the first time her daughter has had a child? Since she mentioned “the girl’s” parents, as if that matters . Or is she just like this every time one of her children has a child? If so... enhhhh. Good luck.

Tell his parents, that your so looking forward to introducing the new baby to them, that your mum is a bit competitive about getting there before them .
Bet all they say is.. safe birth of you and baby is all they want.

I would simply resolve not to tell her until baby is born and you are ready for her. And invite the in laws first! Would in laws keep that quiet?

I think the mothers parents are usually the first to meet the new baby so I guess she just assumed. Not sure why she needs to demand or insist on it though- it sounds like she is quite insecure.

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman
Yeah the thought of what's to come is getting me down a bit actually .
It's great she's so excited but she does have form for this attempt of controlling people/situations...

Don't tell her you are going in to labour. Invite both grandparents when baby is born. Who ever gets there first, gets there first. Shame she is making it into a bit of a competition. Ignore for now and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

@RightYesButNo
Both my sister and brother have had babies before me.
She had to be first on the scene after each birth.

my DM did this (after kicking off that she wasnt allowed into the labour). so I said if she wanted to visit the hospital at all the day the baby was born she was to pick MIL up on her way so everyone arrived together. she moaned...but in the end she did it.

i think if you let her get away with this it will be the beginning of her exerting her dominance and proving a point.