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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother demanding to be first to see newborn grandson.

91 replies

LadyHarrogate · 25/06/2019 18:23

Hi
I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my mum has a knack of making me doubt myself.
Our first born is due in next few weeks.
I have had a conversation with my mother on the weekend regarding this and she has demanded in, well a demanding tone, that she and my dad have to be the first to see their grandson.
I asked why and she stated ' they deserved it as the girls parents ' Hmm.
I laughed and advised that would not be happening as wanted my in laws to have equal rights to see the baby and to not prioritise one set of GPs over the other.
She wasn't pleased with this and went into a major sulk.

For context, our baby will be her 4th grandson and it will be my husbands parents first grandchild.
I don't object if my parents get to the hospital first as we don't know for sure when our baby boy will arrive, so who knows which grandparent will get there first, but I object to having to prioritise my parents for no reason and treating my husbands parents like second class citizens. I'm excited for all grandparents to meet our LO.
We've had no such demands from my in-laws.
My mum has form for this type of thing.
AIBU to refuse her demands?

OP posts:
MeredithGrey1 · 25/06/2019 18:52

YANBU. I understand grandparents being really keen to see the baby but I absolutely do not understand any desire to be first. I had my first baby a few days ago and if either set of grandparents had been like that I’d have been so annoyed! It makes it all about them rather than just being happy about a new baby.

Rosemary46 · 25/06/2019 18:54

If she has form for being controlling then you need to put your foot down now. Start the way you mean to go on.

WhiteVixen · 25/06/2019 19:00

It's great she's so excited but she does have form for this attempt of controlling people/situations...

I’d say it’s nothing to do with being excited and everything to do with control.

Stand your ground. I absolutely agree with Cloudyapples and you should just ignore her sulking. Otherwise she will just ruin the whole situation for you. You should be excited about your impending arrival, not stressing about what trick she’s going to pull next to make sure she comes out on top. Absolutely do not tell her when you go into labour/hospital. I would also tell the midwives when you do go to hospital that under no circumstances is she to be allowed in, in case she does get wind of it and just turns up while you’re giving birth/shortly after.

SusieOwl4 · 25/06/2019 19:07

I waited to be invited when my first grandson was born and arrived at the house just after my DIL parents - was I bothered ? No . Just grateful to have a healthy grandson and to give them both time to be alone with the baby as well . I would feel the same when its my daughters baby . Why do people feel so entitled ?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/06/2019 19:12

YANBU to stand up to anyone attempting to control you in any way.

Just grateful to have a healthy grandson and to give them both time to be alone with the baby as well

This is wonderful. What a great attitude you have.

Teacakeandalatte · 25/06/2019 19:16

I think you should set up some kind of treasure hunt in advance with clues and tasks. Winning GM gets to hold new baby aloft like Simba and her choice of Grandmother nickname.

Original poster
LadyHarrogate · 25/06/2019 19:17

@SusieOwl4 I believe my PILS reaction would be the same as yours this situation.
I just wish I didn't have to deal with this behaviour. It's easier said than done to ignore the sulking. I'm probably a lot more emotionally vulnerable at present which does not help though did stand my ground , it's just the resulting fall out.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/06/2019 19:18

Have your siblings said much about how she is as a grandparent?

Original poster
LadyHarrogate · 25/06/2019 19:18

@Teacakeandalatte GrinGrinGrinamazing idea!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 25/06/2019 19:22

It's lovely to see a DIL that wants her mother and mil to be equal as grandparents. So many women on here seem to expect their mothers to be more important. Your mil is lucky to have such a lovely DIL.

Original poster
LadyHarrogate · 25/06/2019 19:22

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
Yes they have Sad
They have said they don't envy what I'm in store for with regards to the control and emotional mind games I'm likely to endure .
This particular incident hasn't been discussed with either sibling yet.
I don't think they will be that surprised though.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/06/2019 19:23

Well forewarned is forearmed. Ask them for any tips, and don't get into any habits with visits etc.

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 19:25

What sort of MIL is she to your brothers wife?

BMW6 · 25/06/2019 19:28

Oh dear OP, sounds like your DM is likely to be a bit of a mare.

Start as you mean to go on. Stand up to her come what may or you will regret it later.

Chartreuser · 25/06/2019 19:31

Poor you, but well done for stating the case for equal access now. Especially as you say this is not her first Grandchild. I had similar vibes from both DM and MIL so in the end my dad was the only one who came as he works nearby and is v gentle kind and sweet. I felt like I was in a little bubble and family coming to visit would burst that, so didn't want to see anyone for a few days.

It is right to wait and see how you are doing, day my milk came in with all my dCs I could only cope with DH and midwife

Drum2018 · 25/06/2019 19:35

Definitely don't tell her when you go into labour - don't even mention a twinge. If she texts while you are at the hospital, pretend you're out shopping/for dinner. Once baby arrives and you are settled back on the ward, then send a message to both sets of parents and tell them you'll be heading home (hopefully the next day) and you'll see them then. I wouldn't bother having them at the hospital at all. Keep that time between you, baby and Dh. Once home do what you need to do with baby. If baby needs to be fed head off to another room for peace if visitors are there. Don't give in to her pathetic demands now, as you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of them, with her analysing your parenting choices.

BessMarvin · 25/06/2019 19:39

Both my sister and brother have had babies before me.
She had to be first on the scene after each birth.

The mother's parents being first rule didn't count when it was her son then? Smile

RightYesButNo · 25/06/2019 19:39

Well, I suppose you should thank your siblings for giving you fair warning so you can prepare yourself and build a moat around your house. Only joking! Or am I... Honestly, it might be easier than control and mind games when you have a tiny baby Sad Well, I guess just honestly prepare yourself now (talk through your family boundaries with your husband) and most importantly prepare your husband, because the best thing you can do to deal with and circumvent her is function as a team.

SusieOwl4 · 25/06/2019 19:43

I would tell both sets of parents that you want time on your own with the baby for a while and you will tell them when you are ready for visitors. It might be that will be at your house and not even in hospital . Then tell them a time to arrive if possible both together ( I expect that will be ignored though (: . I think this is perfectly reasonable . I agree don't give too many details about when you are in labour treat that as your time . I know of one horrendous story where a couple tried to keep everything under their control but the mother just turned up at the hospital and accused the SonIL of being controlling and it caused the most massive row . Its a fact of life I think that controlling people cant see when they are controlling when it is blatantly obvious to everyone else.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 25/06/2019 19:44

Some people are weird like that, and think the most important person needs to see the baby first, and that they are entitled to "cuddles".
It's a baby FFS, not a soft toy.

Are you in the UK? Unless you have a c-section, you are likely to be sent back home within a couple of hours anyway, so no time for visitors.

Maybe you shouldn't tell anyone you are in labour, have your baby and then decide if you feel like having visitors.

Some mums are at their best after the birth, tiredness kicks in later, others are exhausted and shouldn't be forced to entertain visitors.

You should prioritise your feelings and your health, not get drawn into family drama.

SusieOwl4 · 25/06/2019 19:45

Its quite strange - or is it my imagination ? that visiting in hospital has become more of a thing ? in my day it was frowned upon ( germs etc) and the mother was encouraged to rest for a while before having visitors?

Parttimewasteoftime · 25/06/2019 19:48

Well done having sons made me view my in laws differently. One day God willing I might be the "boy Mum" waiting to meet my new DGS. Treat them as equals you are right and enjoy your baby. Good luck 🍀

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 25/06/2019 19:49

visiting in hospital has become more of a thing
not sure, even my grand-mother remembers having visitors because at the time she stayed a lot longer than we do now.

Bibijayne · 25/06/2019 19:52

My MIL and my parents came together. And we're the first visitors to the hospital after DS was born. Can't she come at the same time?

Bibijayne · 25/06/2019 19:54

My FIL (divorced from MIL) saw DS the day we came home.

I don't understand wanting to prioritise importance of relatives. Surely they all love the DC equally? I understand if there are issues. Or if someone has a family member as birthing partner. But :/

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