Mother demanding to be first to see newborn grandson.

[LadyHarrogate]

Hi
I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my mum has a knack of making me doubt myself.
Our first born is due in next few weeks.
I have had a conversation with my mother on the weekend regarding this and she has demanded in, well a demanding tone, that she and my dad have to be the first to see their grandson.
I asked why and she stated ' they deserved it as the girls parents ' .
I laughed and advised that would not be happening as wanted my in laws to have equal rights to see the baby and to not prioritise one set of GPs over the other.
She wasn't pleased with this and went into a major sulk.

For context, our baby will be her 4th grandson and it will be my husbands parents first grandchild.
I don't object if my parents get to the hospital first as we don't know for sure when our baby boy will arrive, so who knows which grandparent will get there first, but I object to having to prioritise my parents for no reason and treating my husbands parents like second class citizens. I'm excited for all grandparents to meet our LO.
We've had no such demands from my in-laws.
My mum has form for this type of thing.
AIBU to refuse her demands?

When I had mine we stayed in hospital for a week, visiting times were twice a day. It got all the visits out of the way in a contained way. Everyone was bored by the time you went home!

Don't say when you go into labour.

Keep quiet until you're safely at home!

@earlgreyoftwinings - yes in the past mums used to stay in hospital for a long time for a proper recovery time I think .

My dm was a bit like this.
As it happens she was first to meet ds1 and 2nd to meet dd (ds1 met her first but that didn't bother her) with ds2 I told both sets of grandparents that ds1 and dd would be leaving at x time (as they should be first to meet new baby) so anytime during visiting hours is fine. Well in laws got there about 30 mins after visiting started and my dm about an hour after that (in laws then left coz of the amount of people) dm asked what time they'ed come why I haven't told her they were coming first. That I should remember they are just my in laws not blood.
I can't remember what I said to her but it was a polite stfu.

I simply wouldn't tell them when you go into labour...and not tell them until you are ready to after the birth. You are not obliged to keep people informed. I did this to an extent. My Mum was furious that I was pregnant (a child having a child she said...I was 29!) and didn't speak to me for the entire pregnancy and indeed completely blanked me when we both ended up by accident at my brother's workplace when I was 8 months pregnant). She rocked up at the hospital when she was finally informed that I had given birth as if nothing had happened, armed with gifts and balloons and I LET IT GO. I am glad I did now as she died very young, four years later. However, I digress, you don't need this sort of controlling shit and I would keep your counsel until you're ready and see who YOU want to see under YOUR terms. Good luck OP

i told everyone to f - off till i am ready to see people.

unfortunately my babies dad, did not listen. It pisses me off to this day.

You have who you want there - but i wouldnt put up with any sulky shit even from my own mother (and i adore her)

Had similar issues when DD was born.

Actually, it started in pregnancy. DM had DS when we went to the scan and when we picked he Up naturally we showed her the scan photos. We then popped around to Mil’s who kicked off as she wasn’t the first to see them.

Then at my 20 week scan. Mil wanted to be the first to know the sex... insisting we rang her before anyone else.

Mil wanted to be the first to see her, but so did DM. My parents said the same as yours and said the maternal grandparents need to meet first and it wouldn’t feel right if they didn’t. Right...

It ended up that mil see her first. They were travelling back to the our home town when she was born and were passing nearby to the hospital anyway so they actually came in when DD was an hour old. DM wasn’t impressed but what could I do??

It’s really draining when people behave like this. Can’t see what the deal is with being first to see or meet etc. It caused me so much anxiety too which really affected me stressing out about it.

There was no set order when I had my DS - MIL was first in and it was her first grandchild and she was so excited so I'm pleased. Then FIL and then actually SIL as she worked in the hospital. Them my DPs and then my DB and his wife. There was no huffing and elbowing to be first it was just who got there first. DH just called everyone and then they got there when they did. Tell her to chill out.

My mum hasn’t actually said anything like that, but I know full well that she’d be really put out if she didn’t meet the baby before my in-laws. She wouldn’t demand it but it would def cause upset. Though as she will be looking after my other DC’s and lives much closer than the in-laws it will almost certainly happen that way anyway.

I think it would actually be much easier to have them both over separately, whichever order they go in. It’s quite obvious that if they are there at the same time then your mum will try to monopolise the baby and actively make your in-laws feel like second class grandparents, so to avoid an awkward situation I would def tell them that you will let them know when you’re ready for visitors, and tell them different times.

Personally I would hate my in-laws to come to the hospital, as even though we get on well I definitely don’t want them seeing me that vulnerable, sat in bed, bleeding heavily, trying to learn to breastfeed, with medical staff popping in and out. I felt weird enough my dad being there last time when the doctor came in and talked to me and DH about contraception!

Are you sure you actually want anyone at the hospital? Assuming it's a nhs hospital and the birth is straight forward I was kept in delivery and then discharged so would only been allowed 1 visitor at a time anyway. I was sore and tired and I needed time for just me and oh. When I arrived home I'd leaked through my trousers and needed to change and walk slowly and oh parents were already over the drive before we parked. My advice, really think about this now and if you decided you don't want a fast onslaught you really need to keep it to yourself and then invite whoever you feel you can face.

@Shootingstar1115
That's it isn't it? Not needing this stress at this time.
I'm pleased I created a clear boundary but the resulting sulk is getting to me too much- this woman can carry a grudge and this incident is so indicative of what's to come.

When we found out we were having a boy and called my mum she wanted to know exactly what time my husband had sent the text to his parents to tell them the sex (it was the same time as the phone call to my mum).

Also when we announced the pregnancy to both sets of grandparents within 5 minutes of each other (face to face with PILS, on the telephone with my mum) I was interrogated and had to repeat back to my mum parts of the description of where I was in my home when u told my PILS the news. Like a cynical detective she was looking for mistakes in my story so she could feel she had been wronged by being told the news later than 5 minutes after the PILs
She telephoned me 2 weeks later to say something like' you told me you told them the news just after they came in from the garden, but I understand from speaking to the PILS it was actually 1 minute before they went out into the garden!'

It's honestly exhausting.

I have a son, I really really hope my future daughter in law is like you x

@HiJenny35
I suppose it doesn't matter if it's at the hospital or in my home, she still wants to control the situation and be the first to meet our LO where ever we are.

@Tiptopj thanks, but you'll make me blubber with your kind words if not careful x

Holy crap she’s certifiably bonkers.

I feel for you. Exh did his best to spoil the day of our first grandchild's birth by stropping about pecking order. I shielded dd from it but it really tarnished the day for me receiving multiple demanding texts about him having priority. If your dm is sulking just give her a wide berth and when she asks why tell her that you don't want to be around her when she is sulking so if she wants to see you and the baby then she needs to alter her attitude.

@fleshmarketclose I would love to be shielded from that behaviour like you did for your daughter. You sound lovely. Instead my mum subjects me to it

Yanbu, you sound like a lovely dil too . I hate unfairness so stick to your guns and let you mother spit her dummy out. Good luck with the birth I hope it goes smoothly

OP
Your longer post up the page...
I know you've been conditioned by your mother for years but you are an adult now. You can say 'I'm not answering that' or 'It's private' or 'no'. There will be strops but walk away from them and ignore them. It's good practice for when your son is a toddler.
You won't change her but you can change how you handle her so that she gets no reward for her awful behaviour. Stand firm. You are the one with the power/agency now.

@NomDeQwerty
Yes I need to address this with her otherwise I'm setting myself for ongoing stress.

I also feel more empowered becoming a mum if that makes any sense!

I'd just shrug my shoulders and say "well, you can't plan anything about childbirth, we'll just see what happens" and leave it at that. Be casual and non committal. Don't agree to anything or orchestrate anything about visiting.

She needs to chill the fuck out and enjoy life a bit more.

I'm going to my upmost to make this about my new little family and out needs before considering her feelings which will come as great shock to her.

Every time she throws a strop tell her to grow up and change the subject. You will feel empowered at this stage but may feel vulnerable when baby arrives, due to hormones. At this stage your Dh can help be your strong voice if needs be. If she starts off with her shite talk and you are simply not able for her your Dh should step in and ask her to leave or tell her to shut up.

@Drum2018 Yes DH is firmly on board with this and has always pulled her up on her bullshit when he's been there to witness it.