Mother demanding to be first to see newborn grandson.

[LadyHarrogate]

Hi
I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my mum has a knack of making me doubt myself.
Our first born is due in next few weeks.
I have had a conversation with my mother on the weekend regarding this and she has demanded in, well a demanding tone, that she and my dad have to be the first to see their grandson.
I asked why and she stated ' they deserved it as the girls parents ' .
I laughed and advised that would not be happening as wanted my in laws to have equal rights to see the baby and to not prioritise one set of GPs over the other.
She wasn't pleased with this and went into a major sulk.

For context, our baby will be her 4th grandson and it will be my husbands parents first grandchild.
I don't object if my parents get to the hospital first as we don't know for sure when our baby boy will arrive, so who knows which grandparent will get there first, but I object to having to prioritise my parents for no reason and treating my husbands parents like second class citizens. I'm excited for all grandparents to meet our LO.
We've had no such demands from my in-laws.
My mum has form for this type of thing.
AIBU to refuse her demands?

That’s lovely you want the cuddling of the baby to be an even playing field ... I’d be
Very happy for that ... our daughter in law wants us all in there when she gives birth one day 🤣 I said “ no love .. see how you feel first .. you might just want Mum ( and our son ) ... hormones are funny things ... I won’t impose but will be there like a shot when grandchildren are born 😅💐

Work out where each set are and how long it will take each to get to hospital. You will probably need to give one set a head start. Then let them both race to get there. Your mother likes a little competition after all. This will just make it more fun and exciting for her, tell her!!

My MIL was a little bit like this with my second. She was so put out that we asked my mum to come and sit with DS1 (my mum lives 5 minutes away, they are nearly an hour, I didn't want to have to be waiting an hour or more when in labour) that when we actually rang to tell them that DS2 had arrived, she didn't ask anything about him. She wanted to know what time my mum had come round in the night, where she would have slept, would she be giving DS1 breakfast and taking him to pre-school etc etc. It was bizarre. We got a message a bit later from FIL asking what the baby's name was as they'd forgotten to ask - actually, they'd not mentioned DS2 at all, despite it being a phone call all about him!

We went home the same day, and we invited both sets of grandparents over at 6pm to meet him. My parents turned up just after 6. In laws turned up about half an hour later - I can't help that. I didn't plan it, I said 6 o'clock, if they didn't leave early enough to get here then that is on them. MIL (and SIL for that matter) threw a massive strop for the first few minutes they were there because my dad was holding DS2 when they arrived. My parents left very quickly after the ILs arrived because the atmosphere was so unpleasant and I went to bed, texting DH to bring the new, barely 12 hours old DS2 up to me as soon as he started to cry. Bloody awful it was, and there was no need for it.

It didn't ruin the moment exactly, but it did sour things for a while, and my in laws and their behaviour were the reason I got PND. Took me a long time to come to terms with it, but things are fine now.

I hope you will feel empowered. I remember feeling like a lioness. I could have taken on the world.

I don’t really think that you should have to give this any thought at all.

We didn’t tell anyone first time around, went AWOL for 2 days having first baby. We rang both sets of parents when baby was born, dh parents arrived first (local), mine (not local) arrived 2 hours later. It wasn’t ideal as my mum had phoned our house and received no reply but knowing baby was due, she figured out where we were and what was happening.

I’d ignore any sulking, just tell her you’ll ring both sets of parents when baby arrives.

OP good luck. Lay down the law. And just say no one is visiting at all (tell the hospital) until you and your DH INVITE them to.

What is it about competitive grandparenting? Is this a new thing? Being proud and supportive and loving - to DCs, their DPs and their new babies, fine. Or is it we just read about the odd ones on MN?

Good to hear of paternal grandparents being treated decently, well done, good luck and stick to your guns.

@tillytrotter1
Thank you

We never told anybody I was in labour. And due to being a middle of the night baby nobody was phoned until hours after the birth.

First hospital visiting time 2 sets of GPs and an Auntie turned up. I can honestly tell you that you that it was far too many people.

I'd fully planned when DC2 was born only to have one set of GPs at a time. We're low on ILs priority list, so they made things easy by going way when I was due.

Phone the in-laws first to give them a head start.

My mother had no in-laws to compete (they’d both passed away) and still caused a scene at the hospital, clamouring to be let in to see her grandchild. I was haemorrhaging, delusional from a 30hr traumatic birth and still had to deal with her trying to get into the birthing suite. Took DH and my best friend to man handle her back to her car.

I’d say you’re getting off quite lightly. Keep your boundaries firmly in place with your DM, and don’t start any routines to do with visiting until you’re well settled in. Start as you mean to continue!

And I’m sure your birth will be stress-free and nothing like mine, it was a rare case.

I sympathise OP, my mum has form on this kind of thing. I'm lucky that my MIL is lovely and was very gracious about the whole thing or it could have been a lot more stressful.
I agree with the poster above who says just stop engaging the crap, just completely refuse to answer the nonsense questions.
Also, after the birth you may feel like a lioness - I hope you do - but you might feel crap, there's a chance you'll have a CS and you might be struggling wth feeding and generally be a hormonal mess. I think you need DH on side and primed to deal with this kind of BS, you might really need him to fight your corner. Worth having a code word ready for I'm tired and I want everyone to go.

My eldest had her little boy a few years ago, and I had regular updates about how the labour was going, when they were going to the hospital etc.
Anyway, long short story, she ended up being taken to a big hospital as it was possible that she might have to have a cs.
It wasn't till the following day that I discovered her SIL (her husband's sister) had gone with her brother to the big hospital (might have driven him there, can't remember) and she therefore saw the baby before anyone else.

And do you know what....... that's fine! At the time her MIL was overseas with work so she wasn't gonna see him for a while, and when she came home she had first dibs on him, only fair.

I lied to my DM a lot when I had my DS... sometimes it's easier than dealing with her

Op I agree with all the other posters and would tell her in no uncertain terms to change her tune. My very very far from being D womb donor (can’t use the M abbreviation)threw a strop the day DS was born because we didn’t tell her and my DDad, who were in the hospital, that he had been born for a full 45 minutes! shock horror. The unreasonableness of DH and I being so overwhelmed by, and focussed on, our new son that DH didn’t want to tear himself away to fetch his MIL, who she thought should have been his first priority.

I wonder sometimes though whether (not in this instance) mothers of DDs who’ve just given birth are actually concerned that their DD is ok and want to see her to reassure themselves s much as the baby. If my DIL ever had a child I’d fully understand her mum being prioritised for that reason.

“Mum you competitiveness and pettiness is not a good look. Im not going to answer that and play into your game.”

Let your DH deal with her and HOLD YOUR GROUND. Otherwise motherhood is going to be a VERY DIFFICULT time for you with Grandma having the last say on how you raise your child, what they wear to family events, where you have Christmas, who is invited to school events. You need to nip this in the bud now