Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think that my cousin shouldn't adopt?

95 replies

NC456 · 25/06/2019 05:19

My cousin and his wife tried to conceive for a couple of years, eventually being diagnosed with unknown fertility issues. She wants a baby, doesn't matter whether it's hers or not, but he only wants his own kids. She has refused IVF and I feel like he has been railroaded into adoption. He definitely wants to become a father and he would be an awesome dad by whatever means that happens, but he was so upset that she wouldn't consider IVF. He's said yes to adoption because he doesn't want her to leave him (she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby). I know he will be awesome at it but it's bound to take its toll. He's been doing lots of research into parenting traumatised children and he wants to do his best, but I feel like they shouldn't be adopting for the aforementioned reasons. I think it could take its toll further down the line. He's also told me things like "I have to agree with her even when I don't because she's my wife and I promised that when we got married." That seems really odd to me because no one agrees with each other just because they're partners - right?

Their marriage has been affecting our family relationships as I do find her quite controlling. She has also said to me that cousins don't really count as proper family so I should stop depending on him. He's always been my best friend, I'm not going to stop leaning on him when I need - we're always both there for each other.

Are these thoughts unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

NC456 · 25/06/2019 05:21

Oh also she has told me that once they get a baby they won't have time for me any more. I get that they'll be stressed etc and they'll need a break from people but she has refused all help I've offered too. It feels like she's isolating him. We're cousins. We're best friends. We're family.

OP posts:

Corkchester · 25/06/2019 05:25

Absolutely none of your business.

Rtmhwales · 25/06/2019 05:25

If I'm being honest, I think you sound over-involved in their marriage and family planning.

If he doesn't feel he can adopt and wants to do IVF, that's up to him to bring up with his own wife for discussion. Otherwise, please just leave them to it. It won't end well for you.

yulet · 25/06/2019 05:25

IVF is hard, traumatic and has low chances of success. Yabu to judge anyone for refusing it.

As for making the other statements you have about her - it sounds like you just completely loathe her and that's that really.

No wonder that she therefore doesn't want you around as much.

pinkdelight · 25/06/2019 05:30

"she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby"

You can't possibly know this is the case. Even if it's been said, there are all kinds of checks and balances in people's marriages that you can't possibly know about. I hear you that he's your friend as well as cousin, and it sounds like he's using you to offload to at this difficult time but still all you can do is listen really and be there. Beyond that I don't see what 'help' you can be offering and as she doesn't want your help and you don't seem to like each other I'd back off and not get involved in their relationship. Whether they should adopt or not will be thoroughly assessed during the process so it's not for you - or us - to judge. If they're not fitting candidates it won't happen.

schoolrules · 25/06/2019 05:39

It's time for you to let go isn't it, it must be hard but his wife is probably 'his best friend' now, i suspect this is the first time you've found what you think is a proper reason for your dislike, it isn't, it's jealousy

and it feels horrible for you I am sure, but as PP have said, it's really none of your business and you will not even still be his friend, never mind best friend if you continue to dislike his wife.

blackcat86 · 25/06/2019 05:43

Why would she want help from you when you're horrible about her and feel it's your right to 'lean on her husband' when they're having a difficult time. IVF is very expensive, emotional and highly invasive especially for the woman so I understand why after 2 years she is feeling that she doesn't want to do that. Adoption is a lovely thing to do. What's the alternative? Your cousin forces his wife in to IVF? All very handmaids tale. You do not sound socially or emotionally mature. Pursue other friendships for people to 'lean on' and get out of their marriage. You're far too over invested.

swingofthings · 25/06/2019 05:46

You are entitled to be concerned and maybe you are right but maybe you are wrong. The adoption process is very thorough and if he has doubts enough to cause concerns it is likely that it will be picked up in the process.

WinonaForever · 25/06/2019 05:49

I'm sorry but them, their relationship and whether or not they have kids/adopt is nothing to do with you and I am not surprised she is basically hinting that you need to back off and keep out of their lives.

Zoflorabore · 25/06/2019 05:50

Him being a parent and being your best friend/cousin are not mutually exclusive.

It sounds to me as though you feel somehow threatened by either his wife or any potential children, seeing them as "taking him away" from you.

You are far too invested in the situation op. Be there to listen, be a shoulder to cry on etc etc but he is married, his loyalty will be to his wife and any children that come along, regardless of how they arrive.

You can still be close if course but you do do need to back off from this. It's a highly personal and sensitive issue.

Sparklfairy · 25/06/2019 05:50

He's 'upset' that she doesn't want to undergo an expensive and invasive procedure, purely because he wants to spread his seed? Bit entitled. He either wants a kid or he doesn't.

These are the same men who refuse to get the snip despite being done with children, but they don't like condoms either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/06/2019 05:55

Ivf is a choice. Adoption is another. It isn’t ok to do both at the same time. Your cousins wife has made her choice but it sounds as if he hasn’t. Adoptions break down because one or both parties aren’t truly in it.

Tbh your cousin is the problem here. He’s putting his wife’s happiness over the mental stability of a very vulnerable child. This behaviour is weak and pathetic. If you want to say anything to him, it should be to advocate for the emotional needs of any child they are offered.

I have had ivf. It is not for the faint hearted. My friend has adopted due to infertility issues. It’s equally hard.

Snazzygoldfish · 25/06/2019 06:01

I think you need to take a need to take a step back. I'd dearly love to hear the AIBU from this lady's perspective. It sounds like she's had a horrible time with infertility and has been judged throughout. Why should she put herself through gruelling IVF?

If he doesn't want to adopt, it'll be found out during the assessment process. It would be far kinder of him to tell his partner now.

I'm an adoptive parent and in her position I would be very cautious around contact with someone who appears to see adopted children as second best.

ThighsRelief · 25/06/2019 06:01

People (or your relationship with them) necessarily, change when they partner up. I found it very difficult when my sister got married and she wasn't really interested in stuff we'd always done or very available though. Your relationship with your cousin will have to adjust a lot.

Oldbat66 · 25/06/2019 06:02

Keep your snout out of their marriage.

ThighsRelief · 25/06/2019 06:04

And leave adoption queries to the adoption panel. I'm sure lots of adopters have a million different thoughts about their decision and he may just have been airing a particular section on a particular day to you.

mathanxiety · 25/06/2019 06:09

If they are really on different pages it will be picked up in the course of the adoption process.

I absolutely agree with this:
(Mummyoflittledragon)
Tbh your cousin is the problem here. He’s putting his wife’s happiness over the mental stability of a very vulnerable child. This behaviour is weak and pathetic. If you want to say anything to him, it should be to advocate for the emotional needs of any child they are offered
If you must stick your oar in, tell him this.

It's not a case of 'what can the child do for you', it's 'what can you do for the child'. The child gets one chance here and it needs to be the best chance available.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/06/2019 06:18

I would leave it to the adoption process to work out these issues, there is no need for you to be the bad guy here. Just keep being his cousin and friend.

Personally I disagree with the idea that married couples should only have time for each other.

Wheresthecoffee92 · 25/06/2019 06:22

Sorry but none of your business and you would be very unreasonable to get involved. I agree that you and his wife sound threatened by each other and maybe as a cousin you should be the one to back off a bit? Because a wife IS more important than a cousin and if they're having a hard time at the moment they probably don't need you causing more stress and divides between them. I'd not like it at ALL if my husband had an interfering cousin who was a bit too demanding and judged things in our marriage that were none of her business.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 06:24

You think shes the controlling one? I'm with her on this Im afraid, you sound determined to get your input into every aspect of their marriage. It is none of your business.

She is clearly telling you to back right off and you are too nosey, too involved and too opinionated.

timeandtimeagain42 · 25/06/2019 06:25

Oh also she has told me that once they get a baby they won't have time for me any more

He's always been my best friend, I'm not going to stop leaning on him when I need - we're always both there for each other.

Sorry op yabu, it's their life and really none of your business. The process to adopt is deep and thorough, they will explore any issues together as a couple, you won't be involved. These two quotes make it sound as if you are a bit much to be honest. I'm guessing that you're around and leaning on him more than they're really comfortable and are trying to pave the way towards backing off a bit. Try to expand your friendship circle, find other people to lean on an give this couple some space!!

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 06:27

I think it’s reasonable that your cousin’s wife doesn’t want to go through IVF, which is an invasive and difficult process with no guarantee of success. But it is a difficult situation if your cousin truly doesn’t want to adopt. It is ultimately on him though - he doesn’t have to agree, and if he does he needs to take full responsibility for that decision and not just see it as something he did to keep his wife happy.

It sounds like you really don’t like his wife, and while I accept that there are valid reasons for that (because she does sound difficult) I think it’s colouring your whole perception of this issue. There are things in your OP that I don’t think you should be privy to (like her apparently wanting a baby more than a husband) which suggests either that you are projecting, or your cousin has been pretty disloyal to his wife in what he had shared with you.

Either way I think you are over invested. This is their decision, regardless of whether you agree with it or the reasons for it. There’s nothing you can do to interfere, and it would be inappropriate to attempt to do so.

Minnie881 · 25/06/2019 06:33

IVF is not an easy process to go through,
If it's even an option finding wise in the first place. I decided not too. The adoption process is not easy either, there is a lot of preparation, 'interview' style questioning, assessments, medicals etc and then panel to be approved. Essentially it ain't easy and only the strongest keep going. Then as you've mentioned come the challenges around issues adoptive children may have which the training you do prepares you for. Having been through it, it won't be an easy breeze so don't assume so. They wouldn't be matched with a child unless they have the ability to adopt

user1493413286 · 25/06/2019 06:35

I think you need to separate out your reasons for not liking her and their decisions around having a child so you can try to see it from an unbiased point of view.
It’s not nice that she’s said that about your relationship with your cousin and you don’t have to like her because of that.
However their choices around having children are their business and if he doesn’t want to adopt then that’s his business. I don’t blame her for not wanting to go through IVF; it’s not an easy route and she may feel that she just cannot put herself through it when it may not be successful. That puts a huge amount of pressure on a couple both physical and emotional.
The adoption process is rigorous and they will explore any doubts your cousin has.
At the beginning of your post you say he only wants his kids: think about that a bit more and how that must feel for her and the worries she must have about not being able to conceive “his” child together.
I would try to be a bit more sympathetic about the situation they find themselves in and how his wife is feeling. You may then find that she’s less “against” you

topcat2014 · 25/06/2019 06:42

The approval process is long, and then matching is longer. We hope our child moves in this August, which will be nearly two years.

In most cases, one parent will have had the 'idea' first, and brought the other along a bit.

Doesn't mean they aren't fully committed by the end.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread