To think that my cousin shouldn't adopt?

[NC456]

My cousin and his wife tried to conceive for a couple of years, eventually being diagnosed with unknown fertility issues. She wants a baby, doesn't matter whether it's hers or not, but he only wants his own kids. She has refused IVF and I feel like he has been railroaded into adoption. He definitely wants to become a father and he would be an awesome dad by whatever means that happens, but he was so upset that she wouldn't consider IVF. He's said yes to adoption because he doesn't want her to leave him (she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby). I know he will be awesome at it but it's bound to take its toll. He's been doing lots of research into parenting traumatised children and he wants to do his best, but I feel like they shouldn't be adopting for the aforementioned reasons. I think it could take its toll further down the line. He's also told me things like "I have to agree with her even when I don't because she's my wife and I promised that when we got married." That seems really odd to me because no one agrees with each other just because they're partners - right?

Their marriage has been affecting our family relationships as I do find her quite controlling. She has also said to me that cousins don't really count as proper family so I should stop depending on him. He's always been my best friend, I'm not going to stop leaning on him when I need - we're always both there for each other.

Are these thoughts unreasonable?

Maybe she is an overbearing, controlling sort..or maybe you’re just too involved in her marriage and she wants you to factor less.
It’s difficult to say.

Either way, the topic of adoption is pretty much off-limits for you as the only people who have a say in it are your cousin and his wife.

If you dislike and mistrust his wife, be careful. Sounds like she’s already onto you and ultimately, he will pick her over you in a trice. Seems odd that she would say they won’t have time for you once they have a baby. I doubt she has said this to anyone else. I don’t know if she’s unreasonably jealous or if you are just that bit too present in her life..

Going by what you have written here, I think the latter. His marriage is not for you to angst over.

It’s none of your business. You need to stay out of this one totally and let them get on with it. You sound over invested in there marriage. It’s great your close but be careful of crossing the line between supporting and interfering.

As for not wanting help me and dh are having our third child and I was asked recently would my mum be helping by another family member. My answer was no as I wouldn’t ask her. The person mis understood this too mean I couldn’t ask my mum and started to say they would help if closer etc. This is rubbish I can ask my mum but neither me or dh really need or want help and I certainly don’t want other family members taking the baby away to “give me a break”. I want my baby and other kids with me. Some people like myself don’t want or feel the need for help. My mother however knows me well enough to know that if I needed her I would ask so doesn’t interfere.

she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby

This stood out. The woman's been through infertility, probably a range of tests and you're judging her for wanting a baby? I think you obviously dislike her so much for taking your cousin away from you.

Keep your nose out. Good luck to them and hope they are able to adopt.

It sounds like you leaning on him is adding to his stress. Stop doing that.

Are you a little in love with your cousin op? This is absolutely not your business, you sound way overinvested and I'd also suspect that what he's telling you (or what you're hearing, which may not be the same thing), would not align with her side of the story.

You need to get out of this one and let them make their choices. It's not easy to adopt, issues will come out through the process if it's as bad as you say.

'...he was so upset that she wouldn't consider IVF.'

Her body, her choice. I find it deeply uncomfortable that you are so involved in this decision that is really only to do with your cousin and his wife. I can understand why it sounds like she's trying to take a step back from you.

The approval process for adoption is pretty long and invasive. Their social worker will help them talk through any misgivings and will know if he isn’t fully onboard. You are right, parenting traumatised children is so hard - much harder than we could have imagined - but if he is already reading about it, he is in a good position.
Although you may have other reasons for disliking her, you can’t really judge her for not wanting IVF. It is something personal and hard to explain. For example, my husband wouldn’t entertain the idea of using donor sperm as he didn’t like the idea of another man’s child in me. But if I’d already been pregnant when we met, it would have been fine. And he was happy to adopt. To me, that doesn’t make sense, but it’s how he feels so I just accept it.

You can confidently allow the fairly gruelling process of being approved for adoption (or not, obviously) to register his feelings on this. Otherwise, back off. He’s not a helpless ickle bunny, and his wife is in no way unreasonable not to want to do IVF.

You sound over bearing

Even though he’s your cousin ,did you hope one day you 2 might get together..then she came along and they got together..you just seem very jealous and over involved

Having watched SIL go through IVF (successfully, but only after 5 rounds) there is no chance in Hell I would do it.

Both fertility treatments and IVF seem such a very hard row to hoe, you should be offering either benevolent support or silence.

She said they won't have time for you anymore? It sounds like you are way too overly involved in their lives to be honest. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.

Are you the third person in their marriage?

They are going through a hard time with infertility, yet you are still using him as the sounding board for all your problems?

No wonder his wife wants you to back off. You sound self absorbed, and needy towards him, and almost competitive towards his wife.

You need to keep your nose out because this is absolutely not your business.

She has told me that once they get a baby they won't have time for me any more

^ Also this comment makes me think you're being waaay more involved in their lives than it's healthy and reasonable, and she's trying to put boundaries in place.

Unless you’ve had ivf, you don’t know what’s really involved. £6000 a cycle for a start if they don’t qualify for any help, 50 plus injections, various blood tests and scans, a really unpleasant surgical procedure, a 2 week wait, roughly 25% chance of it working and then getting through the 9 months which are literally full of worries.

You shouldn’t be judging anyone for refusing ivf. Sounds like your cousins wife has been very restrained when dealing with you - I’d have told you to mind your business long ago!

Ivf isn't an easy process and she has the right to say no. Maybe she has decided that its time to stop infertility and look at other options for her own mental wellbeing. I am currently going through infertility treatment and its tough sometimes. The procedures are quite invasive and at one point I felt like I was losing ownership of my body. You don't sound very sympathetic to your cousins wife.

Sorry but you you sound like OW. You’re far too invested in this woman’s life and marriage. Get your own life.

Jesus you sound over involved and over bearing.

I sit on adoption panels and can tell you that the process to becoming an adoptive parent is long and intrusive. If he is not fully committed it will soon become apparent. Or he may get totally involved in the process and realise this is the best way they can fulfil their dream of having a child.

IVF is not for everyone. We get many adopters who have no wish to put themselves through this.

Just back off and leave them to it. If they do adopt be supportive. They need family who will be there for them not people who are putting them down.

You sound like the least empathetic and selfish person imaginable.
Let them decide what is best for them. Having seen my lovely sister in law suffer the effects of repeatedly failed IVF and then adopt successfully, I know which I’d prefer.
I think suggesting that an adopted child ‘isn’t hers’ borders on horrific. I am delighted to be a great aunt to my (adopted) nieces beautiful baby and the idea that they aren’t really part of our family is awful.

How about keeping your nose out, you have only heard one persons story you have no idea what your brothers wife has dealt with. You seem more worried about them having less time for you. You also come across as disliking your sil very much,

Well the other option is ending up divorced which he doesn’t want. Or are you suggesting he should coerce his wife into destroying her body on the off chance she gets pregnant as a result?

He's married to her not to you. Stop leaning on him, stop interfering in their marriage and trying to demonise a woman for not wanting IVF. He's a grown man for goodness sake give him some space to live his life and go live yours.