To think that my cousin shouldn't adopt?

[NC456]

My cousin and his wife tried to conceive for a couple of years, eventually being diagnosed with unknown fertility issues. She wants a baby, doesn't matter whether it's hers or not, but he only wants his own kids. She has refused IVF and I feel like he has been railroaded into adoption. He definitely wants to become a father and he would be an awesome dad by whatever means that happens, but he was so upset that she wouldn't consider IVF. He's said yes to adoption because he doesn't want her to leave him (she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby). I know he will be awesome at it but it's bound to take its toll. He's been doing lots of research into parenting traumatised children and he wants to do his best, but I feel like they shouldn't be adopting for the aforementioned reasons. I think it could take its toll further down the line. He's also told me things like "I have to agree with her even when I don't because she's my wife and I promised that when we got married." That seems really odd to me because no one agrees with each other just because they're partners - right?

Their marriage has been affecting our family relationships as I do find her quite controlling. She has also said to me that cousins don't really count as proper family so I should stop depending on him. He's always been my best friend, I'm not going to stop leaning on him when I need - we're always both there for each other.

Are these thoughts unreasonable?

Oh my goodness. Get your nose out of their business! What on earth are you thinking wading into this kind of decision making?

Of course he should be supporting his wife while they make choices about her body and their family.

It's absolutely none of your business and I am sure you are making a difficult time worse for them both when you try to undermine their relationship and decisions by sticking your beak in!!

Bloody hell, leave this couple alone; you sound like a squeaky third wheel in their marriage. No wonder she’s trying to nose you out.

He’s your cousin, not your husband. You don’t get to comment on their attempts to become parents other than to support or wish them well. Back off.

It's all about you isn't it. Well newsflash : it isn't. They are the ones that are married to eachother. So you take a few steps back and let them do whatever they decide to do. Stop leaning on your cousin and interfering with ther marriage.

you sound slightly unhinged. Why is that all of your business?

fwiw, I wouldn't want IVF either. It's not just something where you take some pills to walk hopefully home with a baby but an treatment that more than often doesn't work and has huge (also long-term) side effects. it's not for everyone.

stay out, mind your own business and leave them alone

Lol. You’spund like a whiny child.

Get out of their marriage!!!

Mainly what everyone else said.

a) if he really isn't keen it should come out in the homestudy - they do 1-1 sessions with the potential adopters as well as seeing them together.

b) as and when they have a new child placed your cousin will definitely not have much spare time to start with. An adopted baby/child will take more parental time / focus than a birth child for at least the first year. They may not want visitors for what seems like ages (funneling) and may also not want family, however close, to hold and pet the baby.

c) Now he is married, and when he has children, his immediate family rightly becomes his focus over and above anyone else.

Well he isn't going to have to go through IVF that is intrusive on a woman's body in itself.

But more broadly, it is their marriage, their decision, not a decision for you to make judgement on.

I agree with previous posters that the OP should be careful not to interfere or say anythingit's up to the husband to stand up for himself. And frankly, a social worker is unlikely to clear them from adoptionhe or she will sniff out a mile away that the guy is not committed.

However. I really can't blame the OP for privately thinking thoughts about her cousin and his wife's decisions. My thoughts wouldn't be very complimentary. And I'm surprised that their decisions are getting such an easy ride here. I bet that if the wife herself were to post here, she'd get some pretty strong criticism.

For a start, I can't believe nobody has commented on the naivety of "when I have a baby." She won't be getting a baby, not unless she goes down the international adoption route and gets very lucky (there are fewer and fewer of these routes available now as more and more countries cut out overseas adopters). Children available for adoption in this country are usually older children, very often in sibling sets. If there is a baby, I believe they usually go into foster care first, THEN adoption after quite a gap. These will usually be cases where the baby was removed by court order because the mother is on drugs or is unstable, has relationships with dangerously violent men and won't leave them etc.

Regardless of the age at which children are adopted, it's not an easy ride. The ballpark figures I heard were that about 1/4 of adopted children have no particular special needs, about 1/2 have a certain level and about 1/4 have a very significant level of special needs. Even children with no special needs are likely to have some level of trauma about their challenging pasts. I don't think adopting is a good idea unless both partners are 100% on board. And I'm not sure why the guy's opposition to adoption is being spoken of in such a dismissive way--that he just wants to "spread his seed" or whatever. I also wouldn't adopt. I've watched the adoptions that have taken place in a couple of families I know, and I am not strong enough and I know that right from the start. Just getting approved appears to be an extremely difficult, time-consuming and at times rather judgmental process....

IVF is a rough road, but I suspect it's usually less tough than dealing with the above.

Nobody can force her to do anything, but yeah, I'd be thinking thoughts privately alright.

A marriage is between two people op. You sound like you are being overly involved. Spouse trumps cousin every day of the week. In fact kids trump spouse which then trumps cousin.
Ask yourself honestly is he really your best friend or is there more to it from your side?

I don’t think HE has his boundaries up strongly enough around this marriage, and, unpleasant though she may be, his wife does have a right to expect her husband to invest fully in the marriage and in her, rather than leaking out towards you and giving you really unrealistic ideas of how much say you get in their private family life.

If he can’t behave appropriately, then you need to, if you want things to work out well with everyone staying friends. Hint: in a battle, I think you’ll be the losing party here.

As @TeenTimesTwo writes:

“a) if he really isn't keen it should come out in the homestudy - they do 1-1 sessions with the potential adopters as well as seeing them together.

b) as and when they have a new child placed your cousin will definitely not have much spare time to start with. An adopted baby/child will take more parental time / focus than a birth child for at least the first year. They may not want visitors for what seems like ages (funneling) and may also not want family, however close, to hold and pet the baby.”

In a nice way she’s telling you to back off and you should back off and mind your own business. Wife is more important than cousin leave them alone and lean on someone else. They have their own problems they don’t need yours. You are far to invested in your cousins marriage

In summary, you don't like your cousin's missus because you feel usurped. The rest is just irrelevant noise. If it wasn't baby stuff you'd be moaning about some other aspect of their lives.

What a wonderful thing they are doing. Her choice to make if she wants to face the ordeal of ivf and totally normal for him to be scared and to do his research, that doesn't make it a bad choice. She's making it clear now that you are too invested in their relationship and that she has put up with it but once they have a child she wants it to be their family and for you to butt out. You are far too involved, cousins or best friends don't get to undermine the relationship decisions between a couple. Leave them alone. If I was her I would want him to go NC with you as you simply aren't a positive aspect to them making it work. And once they have a child it will be their child and their decisions to make about it. Please leave them alone.

If I were your cousins wife, I wouldn't be too chuffed that he's confiding our private business with someone who quite obviously dislikes me.
You and he need to start respecting his marriage and his wife.

Give them a bit of distance and she might see you as less of a threat and re-involve you (on a reduced scale) in their inner family,

come back OP!

I think you need to take a step back. I think your relationship with your cousin sounds very intense and I would say that if he were your sibling even. I always cringe when people say this on posts but I think you are jealous of his wife and that you are not his number 1. You need to back off their relationship and consider your motivations. If I were her I would be trying to distance myself from you too.

Are you of a similar age or is there a significant age gap in which you see him as having a level of responsibility for you? Your posts and me-centricness comes across as you are very young.

Kokeshi123 - an interesting and informative post.

I agree with you about the realities of adoption - and it is a real shame. The husband is entitled to reservations and if he feels he is being pressurised into it that is not going to be any good for any child they take on. Longer term the relationship might well fail anyway especially if the adoption is not easy.

Many posters want to tell the OP to back off and dismiss her as if she is wrong to even state her concerns here. Of course the couple make their own decisions but no-one operates in a vacuum. We all ask advice - whether of friends and family or on an anonymous forum. The cousin has clearly talked this through with someone he trusts, (OP), and she is expressing her concerns here.

You sound jealous of their relationship OP. It’s not a good look.

Take a massive step back.

Wow you sound Over-invested. That’s not healthy.

Your cousins wife is going through something so horrible and you could not ever understand. I bet she hopes you never have to understand her pain.

How you can possibly think that your opinion is in any way relevant to this situation is beyond me. It is absolutely none of your business.

By all means be a supportive cousin and friend, be a confidante and a shoulder to cry on but it should end there. Whatever your cousin (a grown man who makes his own choices) decides, you should back him to the hilt.

You might also find that if you stop being overly involved in his marriage his wife might be nicer to you?

Op where are you???

Their marriage and what goes on in it is their business, not your's.
You need to find a life of your own instead of being in theirs.

@NC456 I’m going to against the grain and say YANBU. She sounds controlling and singleminded regarding a baby. We have all met women (and men) who are obsessed with having a baby. It gets really uncomfortable and disturbing to watch the train wreck happen. Some people get lucky with IVF and others just give up but it’s all the person can talk or think about.

I think your cousin is in that weird spot where he may have to make a decision about a divorce. They don’t agree about how to have children and he feels like his choice is being taken away.

Also, I don’t think you’re overly invested in their relationship. A lot of families have cousins who are best friends because they grew up together and are really close. It sounds like his wife is beginning to isolate him from his family. If he were a woman, most posters would say that’s a red flag for emotional abuse. Can you suggest he (and maybe her too) get some kind of counseling to talk through the emotional hardship of infertility? That usually helps a lot. Good luck.