To think that my cousin shouldn't adopt?

[NC456]

My cousin and his wife tried to conceive for a couple of years, eventually being diagnosed with unknown fertility issues. She wants a baby, doesn't matter whether it's hers or not, but he only wants his own kids. She has refused IVF and I feel like he has been railroaded into adoption. He definitely wants to become a father and he would be an awesome dad by whatever means that happens, but he was so upset that she wouldn't consider IVF. He's said yes to adoption because he doesn't want her to leave him (she wants a baby more than a husband - husband was just step one to getting baby). I know he will be awesome at it but it's bound to take its toll. He's been doing lots of research into parenting traumatised children and he wants to do his best, but I feel like they shouldn't be adopting for the aforementioned reasons. I think it could take its toll further down the line. He's also told me things like "I have to agree with her even when I don't because she's my wife and I promised that when we got married." That seems really odd to me because no one agrees with each other just because they're partners - right?

Their marriage has been affecting our family relationships as I do find her quite controlling. She has also said to me that cousins don't really count as proper family so I should stop depending on him. He's always been my best friend, I'm not going to stop leaning on him when I need - we're always both there for each other.

Are these thoughts unreasonable?

I don't think adopting is a good idea unless both partners are 100% on board. And I'm not sure why the guy's opposition to adoption is being spoken of in such a dismissive way

It's being spoken about in 'such a dismissive way' because those of us who know anything about adoption know that the process of being approved is fairly intensive and gruelling, and a couple where (1) both people weren't fully committed to adopting, or (2) where one or both of them imagined against all logic they were going to end up with a healthy newborn with a rubberstamped guarantee of no additional needs would simply not even reach approval panel.

The first adoption information evening all prospective adopters attend is always full of difficult information and is set up not to be too inviting, or to make the process sound easy, precisely in order to weed out the 'fairweather adopters'. And no one could sit through a (much later) session where someone asks you directly exactly what level of additional needs/developmental delay/physical disability/life-limiting illness/past abuse you feel able to take on in your potential child and still think that adoption's 'job' is providing them with a shiny new baby like a box-fresh Tiny Tears.

To be honest you sound too involved in their marriage and private affairs. For what it's worth, I've had a clomid baby and one miracle but were told IVF would be our best hope. I said no to that straight away and would have gone down the adoption route. I don't see why he's upset. It's an invasive procedure that has a low success. She mentally be so drained she cannot do it. That's how I felt. You are being very unreasonable and he needs talking too as to what he expects of his wife. An adopted child will be their child.

In what way do you "depend on him"?
None should be dependent on any one person, nor should anyone have to carry that burden for another.

This sounds like an odd relationship. If you're round there all the time, his wife might well be right in warning you that it won't be the same when a child comes along.

Anyway, whatever your views, it's up to them. If your cousin is unhappy he shouldn't be agreeing to this, but if he hasn't got the guts, it's not your problem.

Just read all your comments properly- you actually sound like a woman scorned, the other woman. Are you sure your feelings for your cousin are not more than you would like to admit?

Yabu

I think you are oversimplifying the whole thing. There are far more layers to him becoming a father through adoption than ‘he’s doing it so she won’t leave him’. You can’t know how he will actually feel adopting, he probably doesn’t know himself. Regardless of the motivation. In any case the process will highlight any cracks in both their relationship and readiness to adopt.

It’s their decision and journey. Stop judging about things you have no clue about.

But how do you know the conversations they have had behind closed doors? I'm quite a straightforward person, if my other half said to me (as he thought it would make me happy) he wanted to adopt then I would believe him; do you know for sure he hasn't said this to her and is just confiding in you? Not that it's your place to get involved other than offer him support, and it seems you are concerned for him which is understandable, but you can't really judge without being aware of the whole picture. Also although IVF is also highly emotive and hard on men, the female also goes through all of the physical elements, and it is understandable this is a route she doesn't want to/doesn't feel she can take. The comment about basically using him just for kids seems unfair, after all, she is discussing other options with him; unless she was certain the issue was with her, wouldn't she be out looking for someone else?

Not only do you sound over involved and frankly a little annoying, but you also seem quite ill informed. Many children are put up for adoption when very tiny and so are not 'traumatised'. Yes, some children may be, but the sweeping assumption is incredibly offensive. I also think that they won't have time for you as the adoption process considers close family and friends to a point, with your attitude you could potentially harm their chances. I think you need to back off, just become a family member who pops round sometimes to catch up, rather than a clingy, needy, annoyance. Sorry, I am never this blunt in my posts but you have really annoyed me and I feel so sorry for your cousins wife going through all that whilst having you yo deal with. Again, sorry for being strong worded, perhaps your post is jot a full reflection of you, but this has really got to me.

Interesting responses. If the cousin was a woman I’m sure there would be posters queuing up to highlight that wanting to isolate someone from their family is a massive red flag.

But we don't know the whole story to know she is controlling, if my partners cousin felt comfortable coming on to a message board and discussing their infertility then perhaps OP often oversteps the mark. She might not be commenting on them being best friends or spending time together, but getting involved in personal things which should be between the 2 of them; such as discussing that she won't have IVF even though he wants it.

But we simply don't have enough information to make that call, @maidenover. It's possible that the cousin's wife is a maniacal control freak separating her hapless husband from his family, but it's also possible that the OP is an overinvested semi-stalker who has unresolved romantic feelings for her cousin and feels she should be the third party in the marriage and discussions about how to have a family.

The fact that the OP has told them how stressed they will be once they have a child and that she's there to help them a child that not only have they not conceived yet, but potentially an adopted child when they haven't even been accepted onto an adoption course could mean that the cousin and his wife are like the OP and her DH in another current thread, where the DH's sister shows up at their house in the evenings when they are trying to do bedtime for their baby and make dinner after work, and peers through the windows or goes around the back because she cannot conceive of it being an inconvenient time...

@DisputedChair

The fact that the OP has told them how stressed they will be once they have a child and that she's there to help them -- a child that not only have they not conceived yet, but potentially an adopted child when they haven't even been accepted onto an adoption course

Why demonize her offer of care? This is what most families do — offer to help when a new baby arrives. A new baby is stressful no matter through the couple’s conception or through adoption. It sounded to me like she was just saying along the lines, “I'll be there to help you” no matter what. That’s not usually considered an intrusion but a caring relative.

I think people are trying too hard to make the OP sound crazy when she just has a normal family relationship and is concerned about her family member’s emotional and mental health. A lot of posters are being deliberately mean, rude and trying to twist the knife for some reason.

I'm sure they will cope perfectly well without your judgemental interference when it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Well this is fairly unanimous

Quite heartwarming really

I think it's great that your cousin's DW wants to adopt, and if he has agreed to go along with it that is his choice and has absolutely nothing to do with you. If you are this interfering no wonder she wants to push you out.

You are stepping firmly into areas which are NO concern of yours and where you absolutely will not have the real story.

Your bias is clear as day and also the reason for it. Yes. Perhaps you do need to stop 'depending' on someone else's husband if you are going to be so clear in your disapproval of big, very personal decisions they are making, and their relationship in general. That never ends well. And if he is feeding you his take on things, that's fine if he needs to offload, but I would beware of seeing yourself as his cheerleader.

Always keep your beak out of other people's relationships, if you don't want to end up as the fall guy.

Don’t you just love a thread where the op disappears!!

Op we’ve said our opinions but you have not expressed a response- please do come back. The issue must be bothering you or you wouldn’t have posted. Hopefully some replies have helped you to view things from a different angle.

in the kindest of intentions, what you think and what a load of strangers on the internet think means absolutely nothing.

IVF isn't a journey to take halfheartedly it is tough physically and emotionally especially for the woman, not wanting to go down that route does not make her a bad person.

I absolutely hate the whole - well just try IVF mentality. Its an awful process, messes your hormones around to the point of menopause, the pressure is intense as are the medication. potentially increases cancer risk We chose not to do it.

Stop judging something that is none of your business, this is between them as husband and wife, not a cousin (Id be a bit shocked if my DHs cousin started to pass comments over our family choices)

Agree with Cellular Blanket TBH .Adoption is a tricky process and both people need to be fully committed.OP and her cousin are close and have a family bond FGS!, She is just looking out for her cousin here!.As Kokeshi says its doubtful that many couples would be able to adopt a baby these days !.The OPs cousin is clearly worried and is confiding in OP!.I think that if he is uneasy about the adoption process then he shouldnt just "agree with his wife in case she leaves him!".That is completely wrong ,and if hes unhappy about it Social Services will realise this .Obviously dont interfere FGS ,but do be there for him hes in need of some kind of support right now!