AIBU about NDN, her DD and their dog's shit?

[EssentialHummus]

We live in a flat with a garden. Our access to the garden is via a side return. It's a huge garden (for London, anyway) divided into three - NDN's bit (she lives downstairs and has direct access), our bit, and then a communal bit. You wouldn't be able to distinguish one bit from another from looking at it, nothing is fenced off.

NDN is generally lovely. We moved in two years ago, she put up with our renovation work, will always offer to have our toddler if we're stuck, shares all her garden equipment and water supply with us. All great, except - she's never been good enough at picking up after her dog. Last year I went out to the garden daily and there was usually shit out there (in our bit and the back), and it was clear that a few days would pass before she picked up. This year it's a bit more important as DD is a walking toddler now. When there's shit out there, I text her. Responses range from "Oh, I'm on top of it now that I have such lovely neighbours!" to "Done x" to "We're away but will tell DD/DS to sort" etc. She's away a lot.

I'll cut to the chase - if this was me, I'd be fucking crawling under a rock with embarrassment at needing to be told to clean up after my own dog. I've had dogs; their bowel movements aren't a mystery.

This weekend DH picked up a few days' worth because he needed to mow the lawn. I texted NDN in the evening. Got a reply to say she'd text her (adult) DD. Then hysterical wailing and sobbing from downstairs for over an hour as they spoke on the phone. And a text from her DD very late at night to say that she's very very sorry she dropped the ball, she has a mood disorder that stops her doing basic things, if it's ever a problem again can we text her.

Very bluntly - this has been going on for ages now and I have no reserves of sympathy left, everything sounds like an excuse at this point.

It's not my job to text anyone before I go out to use my own garden.

I have more than a touch of "When I was your age..." with her kids (we're all of five years apart) which is colouring my response.

I think she got away with it for years because no one else used the garden. But that's not my problem, and actually I've put a lot of effort and money into making it nicer for all of us (which she's acknowledged).

AIBU? And can someone please tell me how to say "It's your fucking dog, just deal with it", but, you know, sympathetically? Because otherwise it's a choice between fencing our bit of garden (expensive, ugly) or waiting for the dog to kick it.

Just have a serious chat with her.
Say I love our shared space. I love that we are pals. But I can’t deal with the shit. Can we work out a system which is easier for you (pedal bin is a good idea)

What about some nice tell us fencing it doesn't have to be high and it can be painted a lovely summery cheerful colour...cuprinol do some lovely colours.

Don't you have a management company to complain about the dog? Generally, dogs and noisy pets are not allowed in the apartments. I remember once the new tenants moved in with a dog without telling the management. The neighbours complained about the dog's shit and the tenants were told to move out within a month or so.

its not really. There’s the freeholder ( a local council). They have in the past ignored much more serious things, so a) don’t think they’ll achieve anything b) relations will be affected.

Can you ask to swap your bit of garden and the communal bit? Are there any plants that could not bear to be moved in the communal area? Would she mind not being technically able to access them?

I see hummus.
Dog's shit is dangerous for small children as they can touch it or the grass where it was recently and then touch their eyes or suck on the fingers. The neighbour is very selfish.

I would ask her to take the dog out on its lead and keep it in her garden area to poo, not let it just run around the whole area and choose where it poos. That way she will also know where it poos and can pick up immediately which is better anyway. Or take it for a walk somewhere else to poo (and pick up after it there). This is possible.

That’s interesting contessa, I’m going to check that. I also harbour fantasies of buying it if the council will part with it.

Stupid dog as he was never thought were not to shit.

When you have spoken/texted this neighbour have you been hinting? Too indirect? Too "polite"?

I would suggest a proper sit down chat. Surely her dog shouldn't be in your bit of garden, whether it is shitting or not? Explain in word of one syllable why toddlers and dogshit don't mix! Surely if you are sitting there calmly talking about it, she can't excuse herself??

And as others have said does it never go for a walk and shit elsewhere?

were = where

Put up a fence for your section then take photos of all crap you find around it and send to environmental health

Fence the garden. Only other option is a serious falling out as this neighbour clearly doesnt take it seriously

You sound worn down. The neighbours dog is regularly going in your garden and shitting everywhere. They need to contain their dog. That is the first problem. It's not your job to do that anymore than it is to text them to pick up shit.

The dog shouldn't be on your garden in the first place. If they won't take responsibility for the dog my first call would be to the dog warden.

Email: dear nfh littlehummus will be toddling in our garden this summer. We want her to be safe. Please keep ddog out of our garden.

I meant trellis lol x

can I just repeat, the dog should not be shitting in the communal bit either.

SHE needs to contain her dog in the part of the garden. That is actually the law, that dog owners are liable to contain their dog.
You could talk to her, and suggest the fence, and then offer to help put it up (so that it happens)

The dog warden won't do anything because it's private property.

In an ideal world, your current garden arrangement would be lovely op. However..the world is far from ideal and is sadly populated by a lot of arseholes.
I learned this partly from ending up in a very similar situation to you; lived in a terraced house, no fence between us and neighbours garden cos..ya know... we weren’t arseholes and it was nicer to have a large, unenclosed space. Cue previously lovely neighbour getting a dog and...well, the rest is your story!! Fortunately (for us ) we had sold up and were waiting to move when this situation arose so it wasn’t us, but our poor buyer that had to put the big ugly fence up.
I’m afraid it’s the old cliche op; ‘Good fences make good neighbours’.
(To paraphrase the waffle, you need a fence..sorry it won’t look so nice )

Could you fence off just a bit, enough space for your dd in one corner or something?

Why do these people not walk their dog? Why is it just being let into the garden to do its business? Surely the majority of dog owners walk their dogs and the shit happens in the park, they pick it up and put it in the poo bin? Surely must dog owners don’t want shit literally on their own doorstep?
Or is the daughter supposed to do this and is not coping? I’d be worried about the dog getting enough exercise.

Dog is going to die soon.

This is so difficult. People who do not bother in one area, generally don't bother in all areas. I wonder when that dog was last dewormed.

So I think I would stay polite and kind, but just say that considering toddler is at the stage of putting objects in mouth, you are going to have to temporarily fence off your garden 'for the time being'.

This will also lose them your lawn mowing and gardening, Consequences are such a bitch.

@GraceSlicksRabbit I live rurally and my dog has three walks a day in the fields and lanes. He never goes for a poo on a walk. He goes in the garden first thing and last thing at night. I go out with him so it's picked up immediately. I hate the thought of dog shit sitting in my garden.

If you're going to talk with your neighbour I'd suggest you ask the daughter to be present too as a mood disorder can cause disabling amounts of distress ( as you've witnessed) and I'm sure you'd prefer not to be inadvertently causing distress to another.

If you do go down this route perhaps talk about the problem and some of the options presented here,starting with the bin,the swapping usage of the garden and finally the fence. Then ask if there are any other solutions they can think of.

I'd try to keep if friendly and with the approach of mutually coming up with a solution rather than creating conflict.

Good luck

And as others have said does it never go for a walk and shit elsewhere?

Certainly not every day, possibly not even every week.

Why can't you put a lowish fence (but tall enough so dog can't get over) straight across where your bit meets hers, but with a gate (obviously you'll need to get through!) that she can use to get to the communal bit? Doesn't need a lock on it.