AIBU about NDN, her DD and their dog's shit?

[EssentialHummus]

We live in a flat with a garden. Our access to the garden is via a side return. It's a huge garden (for London, anyway) divided into three - NDN's bit (she lives downstairs and has direct access), our bit, and then a communal bit. You wouldn't be able to distinguish one bit from another from looking at it, nothing is fenced off.

NDN is generally lovely. We moved in two years ago, she put up with our renovation work, will always offer to have our toddler if we're stuck, shares all her garden equipment and water supply with us. All great, except - she's never been good enough at picking up after her dog. Last year I went out to the garden daily and there was usually shit out there (in our bit and the back), and it was clear that a few days would pass before she picked up. This year it's a bit more important as DD is a walking toddler now. When there's shit out there, I text her. Responses range from "Oh, I'm on top of it now that I have such lovely neighbours!" to "Done x" to "We're away but will tell DD/DS to sort" etc. She's away a lot.

I'll cut to the chase - if this was me, I'd be fucking crawling under a rock with embarrassment at needing to be told to clean up after my own dog. I've had dogs; their bowel movements aren't a mystery.

This weekend DH picked up a few days' worth because he needed to mow the lawn. I texted NDN in the evening. Got a reply to say she'd text her (adult) DD. Then hysterical wailing and sobbing from downstairs for over an hour as they spoke on the phone. And a text from her DD very late at night to say that she's very very sorry she dropped the ball, she has a mood disorder that stops her doing basic things, if it's ever a problem again can we text her.

Very bluntly - this has been going on for ages now and I have no reserves of sympathy left, everything sounds like an excuse at this point.

It's not my job to text anyone before I go out to use my own garden.

I have more than a touch of "When I was your age..." with her kids (we're all of five years apart) which is colouring my response.

I think she got away with it for years because no one else used the garden. But that's not my problem, and actually I've put a lot of effort and money into making it nicer for all of us (which she's acknowledged).

AIBU? And can someone please tell me how to say "It's your fucking dog, just deal with it", but, you know, sympathetically? Because otherwise it's a choice between fencing our bit of garden (expensive, ugly) or waiting for the dog to kick it.

I would get a chain link fence, I know you don’t want to but I can’t see any other to stop it from happening.

What about electric mesh fencing, the sort you'd get for chickens. You run it off 12v batteries that you can recharge.
Your neighbour and her daughter are lazy dirty cows.
The spaniel probably won't make to 16 years old.

You all have your own gardens but nothing fencing them off?*

As it is it is beautiful (shit notwithstanding) and really impressive. Fence it off and it looks pretty terrible. And we’d lose out the most - ours is the middle bit, so fencing would need to allow for access around the side to get to the communal bit.

This might be a London thing - huge old Victorian house cut into three, same with garden.

Can you pile it all up somewhere that will inconvenience her?

For the sake of an otherwise good neighbour, I would try not to dwell on this too much. After having some appalling neighbours I would consider picking up dog shit a small price to pay.

I know exactly what you mean - used to have a flat with a third of a garden (also in London) and ours wasn't fenced off either.

Tbh I can't think of a good solution to this one - she's obviously not going to change her behaviour so I think fencing might be your only option, even if it spoils the look of the garden. You could just get a low fence that's easy to remove - best case scenario is that your neighbour hates the look of it so much she agrees to clean up after her dog properly if you take it down again!

Time to collect it, deliver it and totally lose yours!!!

I can see how this could be very annoying, dog owner with kids here and of course it’s very important to pick up after one’s dog.

However - in this instance I would suck it up and choose a different battle. Fence will look horrid and be passive aggressive. And if you are in London with a neighbour who is great in all other respects, that’s worth preserving. Moreover dog sounds sweet - imagine an aggressive dog that was shitting everywhere with an aggressive owner to boot? (Lived next door to that once, not fun.)

My gran had a similar problem when she lived in a block of flats with outside communal walkway. One of the occupants had a large dog who they would allow to roam outside and do its business which they never cleaned up.
Despite numerous polite requests to clean up after it nothing was done.
One night my gran snapped and went out with her shovel, she scooped up several days worth of the dog's mess and formed a neat pile outside the dog owners door.
Apparently he stood full and square into the pile the next morning as he left his flat.
My gran never admitted it was her but her actions solved the problem and the other occupants of the flats were delighted.
Perhaps some sort of variation of this could be be considered op?

She's a great neighbour in all other respects. Continuing a good relationship with her is tremendously useful to you. Of course she is in the wrong, but you don't have to dig your heels in and fall out over this. Just find a practical solution.

Put up a temporary chicken wire fence. An elderly dog will probably not tear that down. In a few years when the dog dies, you can get rid of the chicken wire.

Well, I know you like the arrangement OP, but this all sounds highly stressful. Not just the dog shit, but sharing a garden - no matter how lovely - with other people. That's a no from me.

Fence it. I have two friends who live in similar sounding properties and both their gardens are fenced.

@catcherofdreams

Your gran is a legend

OP, how does your toddler know which bit of grass to play on? It would be easier all round to get a fence. I wouldn't go for a chicken wire. I'd get a cute white picket. Doesn't have to be very high, and I've seen them sold in panels, really cheap. Then you can keep the toddlers toys safe from the dog too.

At some point in life you will realise (and understand) that whilst the actions of others can be infuriating - you ultimately have the responsibility of how YOU react towards their behaviour.

BC (before child) this sort of thing would've been annoyance, but not life-altering. The communal gardens might've seemed tremendously chic and liberating.

As much as it disappoints you, not everyone will have your child's safety at the forefront of their mind - ffs my own parents were gifted at leaving scalding mugs of tea balanced on the edge of the table.

Therefore it's you who needs to make a safe environment. That means fences.

1. As others have mentioned, pick up as much dog shit as you like, there will still be crumbs.

1. What if it were not a dog your neighbours had, but instead a pond? Would you ignore the pond and huff and tut at your neighbour? Or would you fence in your own garden?

sharing a garden - no matter how lovely - with other people. That's a no from me.

It’s actually fine. Firstly, we’re almost always the only ones out there. If NDN comes out it’s to offer me a coffee or chat briefly.

Toddler doesn’t stray into NDN’s bit because she has put up a few pots/bushes etc so it’s not particularly inviting for a toddler. And I don’t think ndn would care if she did tbh.

I hated cleaning up after my own dogs, in my own (non communal) garden, until I saw the system that my NDN had, and imitated it. Life has been so easy ever since. He had a small pedal bin with a bag lining it, and every time he was out in the garden he picked up using dog-poo bags and deposited it in the bin. It made the whole thing manageable rather than a huge chore of shovelling and burying. Perhaps it's obvious and something everyone else knows about, but it was a revelation for me.

Fence a bit off - not your bit of garden, but a play area for the toddler. Maybe a circular section of white picket fence with her toys in. It would look cute and mean you just have to be careful going to and fro. The poor old dog will be dead before toddler is old enough to go out unsupervised.

But I mean if ndn cleaned your bit by not hers, toddler could still find poo. And as she gets bigger she may want more toys out/a sand pit etc and dog may not respect that!

@TheFastandCurious she's no longer with us unfortunately but she was an amazing woman who lived through the blitz in London and was indeed a legend.

Thing is, if we fence a bit off we still have a shit issue in the communal bit. So we lose out and don’t solve the problem.

Can you fence off her bit? The dog doesn't need the whole thing to shit in. Poor thing doesn't sound like he's getting walked enough if there's that much poo in the garden

Why isn't she picking it up as soon as it goes? I'd have to kick off a bit about it I think. I'd fence rather than have my toddler playing on dog piss and shit.

OP You say you don't want to fence off the garden as it would be unsightly but God forbid your toddler got ocular toxocariasis from the dog faeces, you'd never forgive yourself that you put the look of the garden over the health of your child.
Most posters are saying fence off your garden.
It's a short term solution for a (hopefully) short term problem.

How many flats share the communal area? If just you and dog shit neighbour then fence of your bit but don't leave space for a path. If she needs to go into it she can cut across your garden.

Fence a bit off - not your bit of garden, but a play area for the toddler. Maybe a circular section of white picket fence with her toys in

There’s a toddler bit - helpful diagram attached - which ndn was very happy for me to have in the communal bit. But dd being a typical toddler she doesn’t really hang around in there in the sandpit or swing, she wants to walk around.