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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws at xmas when due 28.12?

115 replies

LovesHisMummyReally · 23/06/2019 07:46

By in-laws I mean 4 younger siblings aged between late teens and mid-30s. They are all scattered in different places in 1 bed flats and we are the only ones who can accommodate everyone so they won't get together otherwise. But really, it's fair to just want your own space when you are about to drop, right? I spent 20 hours of labour walking around the house in my underwear doing various poses to deal with contractions last time, for example. Thanks

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 23/06/2019 11:05

He needs to stop being a twat. Tell him when he's heavily pregnant and about to give birth then he can make the decision about hosting at Christmas.

I'd bet he's not the one who does the running around, cooking and organising either which is why he thinks it'll be no bother to host.

happyhillock · 23/06/2019 11:06

You need to tell your DH to let them know you won't be doing christmas this year due to being heavily pregrant or a new baby, if they've any sense they'll understand, men just don't think

ForInstance · 23/06/2019 11:07

YANBU at all - especially if it’s your first. I had mine mid Nov, straightforward birth, and had in-laws for Christmas. DH did everything - all cooking, cleaning up, entertaining, but just having to put a brave face on was too much for me. Spent a lot of it crying with baby in the bedroom. Feel for you! Hope you’re able to say no.

Celticrose · 23/06/2019 11:13

Do you do this every year and has now become a tradition and is expected of you. Do you ever get to host your parents at Christmas. Your DH needs to go back pronto and explain that he was clearly not thinking and no they definitely cannot come. Also you are not responsible for sorting this out. They are adults up to mid thirties who should be capable of organising something themselves. I am assuming they are not married or have children, I think you need after Christmas to think how this is going to go on. I mean do you want to do this for the rest of all your Christmases. Perhaps after getting together this year in a different way they might realise that they do not have to do the same thing every year. Maybe have a meet up in the summer. Also what if one year you want go go away at Christmas. You could compromise and do it alternate years or every 3 years. First get that invitation rescinded by your DH (his responsibility) and then think about what you want to happen going forward.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 23/06/2019 11:15

I was due in mid-January and we hosted Christmas because we didn't want to be far from home when I was 36-37 weeks pregnant. DH and MIL did almost all the cooking and I just helped when I felt able to. My waters broke on Boxing Day! The family stayed around and were able to meet my baby straight away when he was born later that week. It was lovely. So I don't think hosting when heavily pregnant is a total no-no, but it depends on having a good relationship with your in-laws and a husband who is willing to do most of the hard work.

NoSquirrels · 23/06/2019 11:16

Air B'n'B.

Just do it. Worry about your parents closer to the time!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 23/06/2019 11:54

I was due in February but spent the whole of the previous Christmas in hospital hooked up to a drip because I caught norovirus. No fucking way would I have hosted that Christmas for in laws that year anyway. You husband needs to uninvite immediately. Neither of mine arrived on time, both were early-imagine trying to host with a new born?

BumandChips · 23/06/2019 11:58

Then you tell your DH this is not happening and he can untell them, end of discussion.

SandyY2K · 23/06/2019 12:07

I'd give my H 3 options. He explains he didn't think ahead, as it's too close to your due date.

Or ...I tell him I'm going to stay at my mum's for the duration, but will pop back to eat (not cook) Christmas lunch with them, assuming the baby hasn't arrived.

He can decide if he wants the older sibling to stay with him or come with me.

SandyY2K · 23/06/2019 12:08

Typo

I'd give my H 3 options.

Should read 2 options.

Anxiouszalice · 23/06/2019 12:10

What about a holiday rental close to you and a booked restaurant/pub meal on Christmas day? That way you only have to pop over for the meal (if you're up to it) and your DH can spend some time with his siblings on days that you feel OK, whilst you stay at home.

Explain that you won't be able to host as you could go into labour at any moment but that it will be a way of the whole family being together?

Mommmytobe19 · 23/06/2019 12:27

not your responsibility to ensure everyone meets up at Christmas.

annabelle1992 · 23/06/2019 14:53

I'm due on the 26th and I've said to both sides of the family we are doing nothing- not going to anyone's and not having anyone over! Last Xmas just the two of us!

Happynow001 · 23/06/2019 16:07

I spent 20 hours of labour walking around the house in my underwear doing various poses to deal with contractions last time, for example.
...
It's not just chrimbo dinner but would be staying probably 22nd to 26th/27th.

YANBU! In your situation I think I'd tell him this was not happening, and why.

I'd then take control (as the person who would be most affected by this) and write to those your thoughtless DH has invited and tell them, very clearly, you will not be hosting anyone over the Christmas/New Year period, that you will not be up to any visits and why. They will then have plenty of time to make their own arrangements. They are all adults and should understand but not your problem if they don't.

If you need to you could also say there was a breakdown in communication between you and DH but cancel the expectations of all involved now.

Good luck and I hope you have a gentle December! 🌹

SunniDay · 23/06/2019 17:01

Hi,
I agree it is impossible for you to host Christmas and you must get your partner to cancel the invitation straight away. With your due date no one could find that unreasonable.

I highly valued my privacy and peace after having my children and a house with 3+ houseguests over for a good time would have been my absolute he'll.

After thinking it through reading the replies I don't think you should get involved in what they do alternatively as they could travel over but if you are in labour or have just had the baby be an unwelcome strain to meet up/welcome them when you just want privacy.

Invite your parents over who won't mind and will take over if you are in hospital. Anyone can see a world of difference between 3+ houseguests for days and a quiet meal with your folks. You will need them anyway if you go into labour (I think to care for your other child?) so it would be unreasonable to not invite them and then disrupt their alternative plans if you go into labour.

Remind your husband's family that you hope to see them shortly after anyway to meet the new baby. Looking forward to seeing you shortly after Christmas when you meet the new baby. You are welcome to visit to meet baby anytime if you don't mind booking a travel lodge (a week or two after we get home would be best as we are more likely to be able to spend more time with you) or we will let you know when we are up to having overnight visitors.

Your husband's siblings will easily be able to have Christmas dinner together if they choose to. There is three of them (perhaps plus partners). I have never lived anywhere that you couldn't cook or eat for 6 (and i have lived in bedsit/one bed flat/shared house) so I'm sure someone could host - include the sofa and beanbags/folding chairs and that's the spirit of Christmas right there!

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 17:29

Does your DH know how annoyed you are at his thoughtless plan!?

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 17:29

Also-hoe much in the way of shopping, prepping, cooking, hosting and clearing up does he normally do?

SudowoodoVoodoo · 23/06/2019 17:41

No
No
No
No
No

I had a baby due days before Christmas so he realistically could have arrived at any point from early December or tipping into new year. We made no plans with family as there was no way to predict what state of being pregnant/ having a baby I'd be in.

We have some good local friends who volunteered to cook Christmas dinner and either bring it to us or eat left overs for days. As it happened we were on our second day at home with new baby after a rather intensive and exhausting week involving a long labour and tough birth.

No to any responsibility to anyone else.

underneaththeash · 23/06/2019 17:41

I’d just say you’re having Christmas by yourselves this year as it’s so close to your due date.

Cryalot2 · 23/06/2019 17:47

They can't be serious ?
Surely they will understand ? It's not on .

WillLokireturn · 23/06/2019 17:58

Just send a group message that this year for obvious reasons you will not be hosting Christmas.

This ^^ x1000

No one in their right mind would think you could host Xmas for 4+ In-laws for 5 days whilst about to give birth at anytime. Xmas is stressful enough as it is.
Really you need to start knocking these long Xmas visits on the head or at least reducing them or not making them a yearly expectation. About time the harder work ones started to book hotels for themselves. Your DCs will start filling those spare rooms up.

If your parents come over on the day bringing Xmas dinner, then that's lovely. But they'll be on call to look after toddler DC1 anyway, so it's natural that they'd come over as they don't need looking after.

Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 23/06/2019 17:58

Thanks everybody, this gave me the courage to tell him it ain't happening. He looked miffed (he had the idea they would be helpful....) but got it and we are going to suggest they come for Easter. Airbnb is obvious alternative but they just won't sort it out and I sure ain't.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 18:03

Good for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2019 18:16

Good work! But still stand over him until he's sent that message...

WillLokireturn · 23/06/2019 18:27

Good for you. Now you can relax and think of a very quiet Xmas and rest around time baby is due.

It seems like DH and you have slipped into a parental type role for his younger siblings. But you are new parents yourselves. And DH isn't thinking like a new parent with his own responsibilities too.

Things change and evolve. The older Sibling ILs can start taking turns, arranging airb&bs for visits to them and Xmas dinner out the same as you can host. (I'm lmao of how little sleep they might all get at Easter with new baby and a toddler. Especially with 5am Cbeebies going on! 😆)

They might surprise you and be helpful at Easter 🤞 But if they aren't, and are lazy & expect you to wait on them, then I'd seriously reconsider these long visits.

I host my family every year for a week at Xmas, with 3DC, but only cos my mum helps out in the kitchen and would do it all if I couldn't. We share cooking Xmas dinner and take in turns cooking the other meals. And Dad gets told to wash up 😂