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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws at xmas when due 28.12?

115 replies

LovesHisMummyReally · 23/06/2019 07:46

By in-laws I mean 4 younger siblings aged between late teens and mid-30s. They are all scattered in different places in 1 bed flats and we are the only ones who can accommodate everyone so they won't get together otherwise. But really, it's fair to just want your own space when you are about to drop, right? I spent 20 hours of labour walking around the house in my underwear doing various poses to deal with contractions last time, for example. Thanks

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 23/06/2019 08:46

How helpful are they?
When else does DH see his siblings?

Would they be helpful, do stuff round the house and entertain your older child and let you rest?

I'd suggest going out for dinner or do M&S which really means bung it in the oven like a big posh ready meal.

Both my sister and I 'hosted' when heavily pregnant (Ok mine came early and I missed ChristmasConfused).
Everybody else mucked in sorted the dinner leaving her to rest. When I was in hospital, the family at home in my house looked after DD keeping it as normal for her as possible.

I should say I never had anybody staying over but my parents were on stand by if I needed them to. My logic had been if dinner was at my house and I needed to go my parents could play Santa for DD.

Isatis · 23/06/2019 08:48

Why can't they spend it in France together and invite you and your partner over?

Presumably because OP wouldn't want to go to France when she's about to give birth?

But yes, they can just organise something for themselves in France. They could look at renting a cottage near you so they can see you and the baby, but of course, the baby may be late.

pictish · 23/06/2019 08:48

Not this year and it’s as simple as that. You could be in labour while they’re staying in your house!
You’re not obliged to provide a venue anyway but particularly not under these circumstances.
Say no fgs.

pictish · 23/06/2019 08:49

P.s I’m all for family gatherings...but not at such a crucial time.

HeartvsHead · 23/06/2019 08:51

We had similar (though elective cs so knew the exact date) and arranged a 'Christmas' late Jan for every one. Meant the family still got together and also had chance to meet the baby. Everyone was really understanding and happy with the alternate Christmas celebration.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 23/06/2019 08:52

Y are BU for mentioned Christmas in June!

NoWordForFluffy · 23/06/2019 08:52

You might not even be there at Christmas; you may be in labour / having to stay in hospital. For that reason alone you should get them to arrange something else. You'd hate them to miss out on a Christmas dinner because you're not around, so it's best they sort themselves and you can arrange something by ear at the time when you know what's what.

It's not practical or feasible for you to host this year.

Fresta · 23/06/2019 08:56

Get them to stay in a hotel nearby and go out for Christmas dinner (if you haven't dropped the sprog by then!). Just invite to yours for drinks in the evening.

Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 23/06/2019 08:56

He already told them they could come not even thinking it might be a bad idea. No they are not helpful and although they would respond to direction this would mean constantly directing and none of them can cook, they just want to sit around watching rubbish films. What is extra annoying is that I wanted my parents here who would be helpful (and who I could kick out if I changed my mind!) but now I will look bad if I say no to his fam but yes to mine. Sigh.

OP posts:
notatwork · 23/06/2019 08:58

Have the family get together at the beginning of December instead, so your DH can catch up with his siblings. Then do your own thing at Christmas.

S1naidSucks · 23/06/2019 09:02

HE needs to tell them that it’s nit happening or you need to tell him that he’s welcome to host them, but you’ll be going to your parents for Christmas.

sackrifice · 23/06/2019 09:05

He already told them they could come

Then he needs to untell them.

Tuktuktaker · 23/06/2019 09:05

Please have another word with him and tell him exactly how you feel, including why you want your parents around, (who you might kick out if you changed your mind!) but not his family. There are still 6 months till Christmas, all your husband has to do is explain to them that he is a bit dim and hadn't understood the implications of offering that you host his family this Christmas, in the circumstances of your pregnancy and due date, and that you will be needing only your parents around, who will be there to help and not be hosted. He has plenty of time to rescind the invitation nicely and for them/him to sort out something else.
Good luck!

Treaclesweet · 23/06/2019 09:10

Do it. Embrace "looking bad". That pregnant you will look awful anyway Grin

Honestly though you'll thank yourself for it later if you put your foot down now. What if you were early- do you want a house full when you're settling in with a newborn? He shouldn't have said yes without consulting you anyway; the consequences are his fault not yours.

SpanglyPop · 23/06/2019 09:11

It's quite simple OP. Its june. He can untell them and they have plenty of notice. As a compromise they can come over here but stay in an airbnb and have dinner out but perhaps visit with you provided you're not in hospital/in labour/ dont want visitors yet with a newborn. You need to get your big girl pants on and in no uncertain terms tell your husband to sort this.

billy1966 · 23/06/2019 09:13

OP, you have a husband problem.

Do not stress about this.

Bite the bullet, without discussion, tell him to rescind the invitation.

Invite your parents as they will be helpful.

AND do not give this anymore headspace.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 23/06/2019 09:13

He already told them they could come not even thinking it might be a bad idea.

Let him go back and tell them it’s a bad idea.

What a plonker...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2019 09:15

He needs to tell them they can't come, it's not convenient.
If he can't do that, then go to your parents' instead of them coming to you and leave him to entertain his siblings.

How very fucking stupid and rude of him to agree it without checking or thinking about you!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2019 09:16

And you know what, it won't look bad if his family can't come but yours can because there's a massive material difference between idle siblings who expect to be waited on, and your parents who will actually help and look after you.

It's just not comparable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2019 09:17

AND another thing - you could go early and already HAVE the baby in the house by the time they turn up - is it your first? quite common for the first to come early, I believe! So they'd be sharing the house with a newborn who is HIGHLY unlikely to sleep through the night...
That should be disincentive enough!

Cherrysoup · 23/06/2019 09:19

Your dh is an idiot, in the nicest possible way! Is he for real? He needs to tell them you’ve both changed your mind, obviously.

Time4change2018 · 23/06/2019 09:25

You don't need to openly invite or mention your parents yet ... just say no to them. They can either get and air b n b in France and get together or get one nr you and still see you both and maybe have dinner together one day if you are feeling up to it.
Learn to say no now, you'll need to do this more as a new mom

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 23/06/2019 09:26

Is he one of those men who'll let you do all the work of hosting/cooking/cleaning at crimbo, while he takes the credit for his generosity?

pictish · 23/06/2019 09:27

Even my dh would have thought, ‘that’s when Pict is due, so it’s not a goer.’

Your husband has been stupid and it’s down to him to say it won’t go ahead. They have plenty of notice and really it’s not a big deal at all.

I think this is a non-problem overall.

PeoniesarePink · 23/06/2019 09:29

Invite your parents, they will be a godsend in making sure you are looked after - and they can take charge of the festivities.

If there aren't parents around, it sounds harsh to cancel Christmas which may be hard for them all including your DH. I don't see an issue sending out a group email saying that "baby is due on 28th, plans can't be set in stone and may change at short notice, and it may be an idea to book a hotel or an Air Bnb this year so you can relax but all eat together on Christmas day at yours. It's probably a good idea to book it now etc". It doesn't have to be an issue if you are really clear in your expectations.

I feel a bit sorry for a bunch of siblings at that time of year without parents. They all need to be together, just in a different way this time.

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