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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want in laws at xmas when due 28.12?

115 replies

LovesHisMummyReally · 23/06/2019 07:46

By in-laws I mean 4 younger siblings aged between late teens and mid-30s. They are all scattered in different places in 1 bed flats and we are the only ones who can accommodate everyone so they won't get together otherwise. But really, it's fair to just want your own space when you are about to drop, right? I spent 20 hours of labour walking around the house in my underwear doing various poses to deal with contractions last time, for example. Thanks

OP posts:

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 23/06/2019 09:30

They’rell be plenty of holiday rentals available in France out of season.
I wouldn’t suggest an air b n b near you in the uk, because you will still get lumbered.
Your husbands priority is now not his (adult) birth family, but the family he is making with you.

Orangeballon · 23/06/2019 09:31

Definitely no, you will be feeling uncomfortablely fat and desperate to give birth. No, no, no.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 23/06/2019 09:36

What if your baby arrives just a few days early so that you are bringing a newborn home on Christmas Eve to a house full of people while you try to recover and perhaps establish feeding?
It’s madness. But it’s not your job to tell them. It’s your DH’s. And the more notice he gives them, the more obviously reasonable it is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/06/2019 09:39

BUT I would stand over him while he sent the email/whatsapp message or whatever his chosen method of communication is - to make sure he doesn't leave it and leave it and leave it and then say "oh well it's too late to cancel now, we'll just have to make the best of it" - which has been done before!!

DobbyIsAGoodElf · 23/06/2019 09:40

My second DC arrived several days early, an hour after my waters unexpected went, at home, before a midwife or paramedic could arrive.
It's a real possibility and not one I would risk having a bunch of people around for!

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 23/06/2019 09:41

I was due 26/12 last year, we usually host, DH has no siblings and DB/SIL don't cook, so we have them and my parents to us. Let year I refused to even commit to going anywhere and made it clear I wouldn't be hosting. As it turned out DS came over a month early so we went to DB for a few hours (DM cooked there, it is a mid point between where we all live). Tell them to all organise something else as you may well be hospital

LordEmsworth · 23/06/2019 09:42

Have you pointed out to him that he will have to do all the hosting, all the cleaning, all the cooking, and all the entertaining; and look after your eldest; and won't be able to drink in case he needs to drive you to hospital? And once baby comes - whether that's before or after Christmas - make sure that you are looked after too? And keep the noise down so you can both sleep?

If he realises that, he may decide of his own accord that it's a bad idea... (Not saying you should have to, but clearly he isn't thinking about the practicalities)

FamilyOfAliens · 23/06/2019 09:45

I suppose they will self sort and other people will take them in for the spirit of Christmas. I'd hate to think of anyone alone though

There’s always one on these threads with their emotional blackmail, isn’t there?

katewhinesalot · 23/06/2019 09:50

They need an air b and b whole house which is big enough to host Xmas dinner. You can promise to go round there and DH will help as much as possible - AS LONG AS THE BABY HASN'T BEEN BORN. If it has then all bets are off and you will be doing your own thing which may or may not include you and/or DH. In other words they need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I think you can invite your parents as you need your mum for the birth. Would the others be ok hosting them for Xmas dinner/other activities as well, if it works out that you can attend? Or woukd your parents be flexible and have Xmas on their own if the baby hasn't been born but be prepared to come over at short notice if it has bringing the Xmas food with them

LannieDuck · 23/06/2019 09:54

This is a bit of a non-issue. It's still 6 months to go, so your DH just tells them "sorry, we've realised it will be very impractical this year, so we won't be hosting afterall. Hopefully back to normal next year."

Has your DH suggested he's not willing to do this? In which case, I agree with a PP - point out that you'll be 40 weeks by then, so will be sitting down all day with your feet up and not doing anything. He'll have to do all the shopping, cooking, hosting, laundry, childcare, and everything might have to be cancelled last minute if you go into labour.

KC225 · 23/06/2019 09:56

I would also stand over him whist he univites them. Its just not practical and you will so stressed by it. Its such a special time having a new baby, running around fretting after DH's siblings should not be your first priority. Six months is plenty of time for them to arrange something.

Agree that they can spend it together, these are grown ups - not The Railway Children. Perhaps you can arrange a long weekend next summer when the baby is around 6 months and a bit more settled and you are in a proper routine.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 10:01

Sod looking bad. Anyway, it's DH who will look bad, or maybe not bad but a bit daft. It's an easy one to unwind really. You are a mother, you'll be judged unfairly by everyone anyway so you might as well do whatever you want.

Do not start arranging Airbnbs or giving details of what lovely thing they could do with a cottage. You are not their mums. They are adults. DH explains he was a right numpty inviting them for Christmas, and he's cancelling for obvious reasons. They can work out alternative plans themselves, don't give even a hint of a suggestion that organising their Christmas is your responsibility.

dentydown · 23/06/2019 10:09

Turkey sandwiches and a buffet it is then! If you can’t get out of it, make it easy. Buy stuff ready made (sausages, sausage rolls) and everyone has sandwiches and paper plates. Make your intentions known so they can suddenly make other plans!

Saying that, I would love Christmas like this!

Singlenotsingle · 23/06/2019 10:14

Tell them you just can't do it. The baby might be early. You might be in hospital. They'll have to book an Airbnb for the Christmas week.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/06/2019 10:14

I wanted my parents here who would be helpful (and who I could kick out if I changed my mind!) but now I will look bad if I say no to his fam but yes to mine

Bugger that. If there is one time in a woman's life she should not have to pander to and defer to everyone else's choices its period around childbirth.

Your DH made the problem he needs to sort it out. Its ridiculous of him to invite a bunch of child-adults for you to look after so close to predicted date.

As for having someone actually useful to stay - I wouldn't give a shit what the child-adult siblings think, having a grandma or someone who can actually help with the other child is entirely normal.

Saracen · 23/06/2019 10:18

I think an AirBNB near you in the UK would be ideal. Make it clear early on that all the festivities will take place in the shared house, not yours. Offer to lend them any large pans etc which may be lacking in the rented house, and maybe some Christmas decorations. If you aren't up to joining in, your dh and older child can go over and enjoy the relatives' company. You (plus maybe your parents) can pop over for an hour or more at some point during their visit if it is convenient for you and you feel up to it.

Your in-laws (with or without some assistance from your dh) will obviously be doing all the cooking and cleaning.

There is plenty of time to organise this. Your dh just needs to tell them immediately, so they can start planning. He really is quite clueless, isn't he?! I echo a PP in saying that even my DH, innocent though he is, wouldn't have thought it was a bright idea to invite all the relatives for Christmas when I was about to give birth, and not even check first with me! It will be fine though; they have six months to arrange it.

ChicCroissant · 23/06/2019 10:25

I don't think it's a good idea either! It is so close to your due date and this is your second, you could be early and they'd already be there!

Are your parents coming to watch your older child?

If your DH is dawdling about telling them it's not on, I would do it myself tbh. The sooner you tell them, the easier it will be on everyone involved.

TowelNumber42 · 23/06/2019 10:28

Why should OP and her husband be responsible for arranging anything at all! Hosting Christmas a couple of times and having the biggest house doesn't make them the owners of Christmas.

Saying you are not hosting due to baby's due date is all that has to be done. Let everyone else pick up all the alternative arrangements and thinking. You and DH sit back, chill, and wait to see what they think up. It could be rather good. They might not be selfish idiots but perfectly nice normal people who when told they can't come will go off and make alternative plans nicely themselves with no bother.

LazyLizzy · 23/06/2019 10:30

Tell everyone now that nobody will be staying at your house.

They can come up with alternatives but your home is not available

Disfordarkchocolate · 23/06/2019 10:37

I can't believe some of the suggestions here which basically mean you are still doing all the Christmas work by organizing 5 non-pregnant people.

Tell them no, tell them now. Remind your husband his wife and child come before his siblings.

HorridHenrysNits · 23/06/2019 10:48

You cannot possibly host a social event on a day when you stand a good chance of giving birth. Your DH simply needs to uninvite them, that's all. It's a non-issue.

Pinkmouse6 · 23/06/2019 10:51

YANBU. They can go out for a meal together and get an Air BnB.

EdtheBear · 23/06/2019 10:54

If they are unhelpful it's a no from me.

Def get your parents on board. I was due 24th!
My initial plan was dinner at our house with my family. With the logic if I needed to leave DH & I could leaving my parents in charge of Christmas and DC1.

fedup21 · 23/06/2019 10:56

He already told them they could come not even thinking it might be a bad idea. No they are not helpful

Can you explain why he would do this, what you said, what you have said will happen next?

If you are just going to go along with it, then you’re being a doormat.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/06/2019 10:59

Could you go and stay with your parents instead and his siblings come and stay with you?

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