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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell her I don't want her "popping in"

88 replies

Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 20:50

We have an eight month old baby. Sil lives a fifteen minute drive away, but her workplace, and her son's nursery, is very near to our house.

She has developed the habit of "popping in" after work to see us. This ends up being any time from about half four to half six (she works variable hours) so right over tea/bedtime. She doesn't even knock - just pushes the door open and walks in. She smokes on the way from picking up nephew to arriving at our house, and a few times I have had to give the baby a second bedtime bath due to stinking of smoke. Nephew is almost three, and is naturally exhausted by the end of the day, so most of the time he throws an almighty tantrum - the last time it was because he couldn't take the baby's bouncer home with him, so he tipped it over and kicked it, screaming.

We did lock the doors, but she came around the side of the house and held nephew up to the window "to see if uncle and auntie were in". It was OK in winter when we could close the curtains, but I can't do that from 4pm all summer.

I have had enough, as from yesterday. I have had to return to work earlier than I would have liked, which has been really difficult for me. I work in a stressful, full on job. Luckily my mum has DC on some of my days, so after picking up DC from her, I got home, absolutely exhausted (baby doesn't sleep well either) only to find SIL squatting on my sofa holding forth while nephew absolutely trashed the place. DH had got home early and she'd been trying the door handle as he'd pulled up, apparently. Nephew was absolutely trading the place, and that's what got me-baby had wakened early, so before work I'd cleaned, tidied and got housework done, precisely because I knew I'd be home later and wanted everything done so we could enjoy our evening.

I probably sound petty, but I'm finding it all so stressful. I'm really tired, I hate leaving my baby, and these visits just feel so invasive right now. I also suspect she wants us to start picking up nephew from nursery and start keeping him for her until she comes home from work - her hours are changing next year, and there was something about having to pay for a full hour for nephew even though she could pick him up at ten past - I didn't catch the ins and outs of it, but I got the gist that if someone, ie us, picked him up just fifteen minutes earlier it would save so much money... I'm sorry but no, I really don't want to do that. Though I could be being totally unfair and reading the situation wrongly, just that she has form for being keen on the idea of "family helping each other out" but never putting herself out... Oh I'm being a bitch now. But how do I stop this?

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 22/06/2019 20:52

Can you be out a few times? Then tell her visits will have to be pre arranged as you are so busy these days?

GreenTulips · 22/06/2019 20:54

Your DH needs to be straight with her

Or you breeze in, say ‘I hope you’re cleaning that mess up, me and baby are going for a lie down’ and leave DH to sort

HavelockVetinari · 22/06/2019 20:55

OMG YANBU at all! Can your DH not ask her not to pop in with no notice, and certainly not after 6pm? It's his sister, his responsibility!

Tonkerbea · 22/06/2019 20:57

What @HavelockVetinari said, with bells on

mbosnz · 22/06/2019 20:57

You are not being a bitch, and you are not being unreasonable. You do need to be clear and firm that you don't want her dropping in every night, weekdays are a no go because you are simply too tired and there's too much to do in the evening without others there. And ignore hints about picking up nephew.

AyBeeCee10 · 22/06/2019 20:58

Wow I would he furious actually. Rather nip this in the bud now as you can see it's going to lead to other stuff.
Maybe tell her it's too disruptive now for you all with you back at work. And baby needs downtime and nephew is just a bit too much for her. She clearly doesnt care about imposing herself so you shouldnt feel bad if she gets upset.

Nogodsnomasters · 22/06/2019 20:59

Agree your dh needs to say something to his sister, it's not your responsibility. Have you discussed with him how annoying and inconvenient the visits are, does he feel the same? If so he needs to speak up.

Lemons1571 · 22/06/2019 21:00

Not a popular course of action but I would’ve exploded by now. Doesn’t sound like she’d be much loss - you can do without her “help and family support” and she has more to lose.

Picking up the nephew Grin she’s having a giraffe

TanMateix · 22/06/2019 21:00

I would tell her what you said above. You are finding things difficult now back to work and you would appreciate if she didn’t pop in so often as you are exhausted.

I commend your patience, I really do not have much for a parent that let their children trash the place.

RandomMess · 22/06/2019 21:01

DH needs to tell her that calling around isn't working for you guys but he'll let her know when her and DN can come over for a scheduled visit in a few weeks time.

RedDogsBeg · 22/06/2019 21:02

You have to be blunt with her and your dh that this has to stop due to the impact it is having on you, there is no easy way to say it but say it clearly you have to. Your only other choice is for it to continue and you feel ever more resentful and angry because your home, peace and routine is being invaded and disrupted.

Reallybadidea · 22/06/2019 21:03

You need to keep locking the doors and then when she turns up, actually stand in the doorway and say "sorry, it's not a good time, just got in blah blah". You might need to be pretty blunt as it seems she doesn't understand non-verbal clues.

This would drive me insane, you have my utmost sympathy.

Original poster
Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 21:04

It's only really a couple of times a week, though I suspect she tries a lot more, but sometimes I'll go shopping or we'll go out to eat or something, so are genuinely out. But she still catches us at least once a week. I would never call in to people with a small baby at half six, but DH family are like the bloody Mitchells on eastenders, it's all "family before everything else", they could turn up at 3am and it would be a mortal sin if you didn't let them in and give them tea. It's nice in some ways, but I lived on my own for years pre DH, and I really am not used to people wandering into my house as they like. Also my parents drummed it into me that if you do happen to call on someone when they're having dinner, you make your excuses and leave ASAP as it's very rude to wait around - sil has turned up just as we are sitting down to eat, makes herself comfortable and continues talking at us Shock she means well but is a very dominant character

OP posts:
Teaandabiscuitplease · 22/06/2019 21:08

I agree with Reallybadidea she thinks this normal so she'll need to be put right bluntly.

And lock your doors! What are you doing leaving them open?

Leeds2 · 22/06/2019 21:09

If your DH sat there and let his nephew trash your home, I would make damn sure that he cleaned it all up until it was as when they arrived. Equally, if they do it on your watch, you need to ask her to clean it up to.
Personally, I would make sure all doors were locked, and curtains closed, for the foreseeable!
How does DH feel about his sister's visits?

mbosnz · 22/06/2019 21:11

Well, you might have to pull against family, and make your own rules. They can sulk and pout, but you need to do what you need to do to make your lives work for you.

WeeDangerousSpike · 22/06/2019 21:13

Have a chain on the door so she can't just let herself in?

I've not done it myself, but I've heard of people that answer the door with their coat on - 'oh sorry, we're just off out to... time sensitive task/appointment...'

Or if it's someone you want to see 'hello! We've just got in!' Grin

BuildBuildings · 22/06/2019 21:13

Yanbu. I agree try being out a few times. Even if it messes with your routine.

Changemynamexchangemyname · 22/06/2019 21:14

She’s smoking in the car with the 3 year old in? Isn’t that illegal now? Poor little boy Sad

AnneElliott · 22/06/2019 21:15

I agree with everyone else that you need to be firm and say that the popping in doesn't work for you.

I once found mil, Fil, sil and her 2 kids in my front room when I got home. DH was recovering from an operation, mil was there to look after him (I had to go back to work after 3 weeks) and sil decided to come and sit all day in my house with 2 pre schoolers.

As I got in, nephew spat the sandwich they'd made him (my food) onto the coffee table and mil thought I was being precious to object.

I did speak rather firmly which sent them scurrying out.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/06/2019 21:16

This sounds awful. I can't stand people ever 'popping' in, never mind multiple times a week.
I wouldn't tell her you're tired/stressed, it's none of her business. Get your husband to tell her it's inconvenient and inconsiderate.
If she gets offended, well that would be a shame!! Wink

WeeDangerousSpike · 22/06/2019 21:16

Oh, YADNBU btw, she sounds like a fucking nuisance. (does your DH's lot refer to 'the family' like some sentient entity? Mine does. Makes me feel like they're the bloody mob...)

Also, is she smoking in the car with your poor DN in it?! Perhaps you could point out that's illegal and she'll huff off and leave you alone.....

phoenixrosehere · 22/06/2019 21:17

Yanbu. Your dh needs to be handling this. I wouldn’t even open the door and talk to her through the window if she came by saying “ I’m sorry, but it’s not a good time and we will talk to you later, bye” and leave it at that. She’s definitely being intrusive and allowing her son to trash your home is beyond rude.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/06/2019 21:18

And ugh, 'she means well', no she doesn't, she's just selfish and thoughtless!

Cyberworrier · 22/06/2019 21:22

I’d tell her next time you see her that you’re planning to have a quiet/busy week, suggest next date she can come round, say in two weeks time why don’t you come round for tea? And then if she turns up before say I’m so sorry, it’s not a good time, but can you still make tea on the Xth July?
Try to set dates/times so you have more control over how often and when they occur.