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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her I don't want her "popping in"

88 replies

Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 20:50

We have an eight month old baby. Sil lives a fifteen minute drive away, but her workplace, and her son's nursery, is very near to our house.

She has developed the habit of "popping in" after work to see us. This ends up being any time from about half four to half six (she works variable hours) so right over tea/bedtime. She doesn't even knock - just pushes the door open and walks in. She smokes on the way from picking up nephew to arriving at our house, and a few times I have had to give the baby a second bedtime bath due to stinking of smoke. Nephew is almost three, and is naturally exhausted by the end of the day, so most of the time he throws an almighty tantrum - the last time it was because he couldn't take the baby's bouncer home with him, so he tipped it over and kicked it, screaming.

We did lock the doors, but she came around the side of the house and held nephew up to the window "to see if uncle and auntie were in". It was OK in winter when we could close the curtains, but I can't do that from 4pm all summer.

I have had enough, as from yesterday. I have had to return to work earlier than I would have liked, which has been really difficult for me. I work in a stressful, full on job. Luckily my mum has DC on some of my days, so after picking up DC from her, I got home, absolutely exhausted (baby doesn't sleep well either) only to find SIL squatting on my sofa holding forth while nephew absolutely trashed the place. DH had got home early and she'd been trying the door handle as he'd pulled up, apparently. Nephew was absolutely trading the place, and that's what got me-baby had wakened early, so before work I'd cleaned, tidied and got housework done, precisely because I knew I'd be home later and wanted everything done so we could enjoy our evening.

I probably sound petty, but I'm finding it all so stressful. I'm really tired, I hate leaving my baby, and these visits just feel so invasive right now. I also suspect she wants us to start picking up nephew from nursery and start keeping him for her until she comes home from work - her hours are changing next year, and there was something about having to pay for a full hour for nephew even though she could pick him up at ten past - I didn't catch the ins and outs of it, but I got the gist that if someone, ie us, picked him up just fifteen minutes earlier it would save so much money... I'm sorry but no, I really don't want to do that. Though I could be being totally unfair and reading the situation wrongly, just that she has form for being keen on the idea of "family helping each other out" but never putting herself out... Oh I'm being a bitch now. But how do I stop this?

OP posts:

WhiteDust · 22/06/2019 21:23

Lock the door when you're in and nip upstairs when you hear her coming.
Ask your DH to tell her that weekdays are too busy, tea, bath, story etc. and you'll likely not open the door if you're in the middle of something.

RedDogsBeg · 22/06/2019 21:25

You are already back-tracking and making excuses, Scoopofdaz, you either tackle this situation with your husband and his sister or you put up and shut up.

You should not be made to feel uncomfortable and on edge in your own home which is how you have described these visits and then there is this:

We did lock the doors, but she came around the side of the house and held nephew up to the window "to see if uncle and auntie were in".

Do something about it or live with it - those are your only choices.

HomeMadeMadness · 22/06/2019 21:27

I kind of feel sorry for her as she must be lonely or missing something at home but I don't think I could stand it in the evening either - especially with the boisterous 3 year old. I do think I'd start telling her it's not a good time but we'll arrange a time to see her at the weekend.

saraclara · 22/06/2019 21:27

Just say to her that now you're back at work, you're going to want to crash when you get home, so you can't really cope with visitors in the week. And you'll arrange something with her at weekends.

You don't have to be bolshy about it and risk a falling out. It's a perfectly okay thing to mention in a friendly way.

Ellie56 · 22/06/2019 21:30

No OP YANBU - she would give me the rage too, especially letting her child trash the place, and the stink of her smoke (yuk).

Plenty of good suggestions on here, but agree your DH needs to be telling her the "popping in" is not convenient now you're back at work.

As for picking up your DN."No, sorry that doesn't work for us."

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/06/2019 21:41

Sod it, you need to upset her. So how about something like "SIL, I really am finding being back to work exhausting, and can't face seeing other people even family, so I'm going to have to ask you to stop popping in after picking up nephew on a work day, I hope you aren't offended, I wanted to say something before it became a problem and I accidentally snapped. Let's book in a weekend day we can all go for lunch."

Winterlife · 22/06/2019 21:45

Why is she arriving at the end of the day? Does she not have a husband? Doesn’t she want to have dinner at home with her family?

saraclara · 22/06/2019 21:47

Seriously, upsetting people isn't the most effective way to get things done. And can cause a whole lot more problems.

Explaining and having people empathise with you so that they actually agree with you, makes them part of an arrangement that they're likely to stick to.

So yes, something as simple as bringing it up within a conversation about how knackered you are, is much easier on both of you (and your husband).

oneforthepain · 22/06/2019 21:48

I like the date setting suggestion. That might work better with the family dynamic.

Either that or somebody needs to be blunt.

And lock your door. It takes seconds for a chancer to be in your house taking anything within easy reach.

Babooshkar · 22/06/2019 21:51

it’s simply rude to impose yourself on people like this, even close family.

Whosorrynow · 22/06/2019 21:51

If she did that to me there would be some sort of 'oi gerroff my land' response
not that have 'land' you understand, I live in a small flat but I would never ever ever tolerate anything like that

Chinks123 · 22/06/2019 21:59

It stressed me out just reading the op! This is my worst nightmare, I hate anyone just “popping round” and I don’t know how you’ve put it up with it for so long.

I’m a bit of a pushover and hate confrontation so would be telling dh to sort it out.

sergeilavrov · 22/06/2019 22:03

Your DH needs to have a bit more Peggy Mitchell about him and tell her to get out of your house. Seriously, though, he needs to tell her under no uncertain terms that if she wants to visit, she can send him a text and you'll arrange something when it's convenient to you all. If she still comes, you keep the doors locked and not answer them when she knocks. If she shouts, ignore. If she tries the door, ignore. If she calls, ignore. If she's there as you pull up, pretend she doesn't exist and shut the door firmly behind you. She will soon get bored.

CoolCarrie · 22/06/2019 22:04

Lock your door!

pumpkinpie01 · 22/06/2019 22:04

What do you do when she turns up ? Do you give her and DN attention or just carry on with whatever you would have done if she wasn't there ?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/06/2019 22:14

I think she sounds like she is lonely, wants to see you and needs support herself, it's just that it is particularly bad timing for you. You sound knackered.

I would tell her straight - "it stresses me out you "popping by" erratically, please can you text first to check it's convenient?" /arrange it to be when DH will be home so you can just leave them to it?

Cherrysoup · 22/06/2019 22:16

DH needs to tell her to stop doing this. It would drive me fucking insane.

Original poster

Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 22:24

She does indeed have a husband and a home to go to. I have no idea why she doesn't. She spends vast amounts of time, when not working, at Pils so I think we're just an extension of that. Suggesting lunch wouldn't work. She is as likely to fly to the moon, and I mean that. She goes nowhere except work, the supermarket, and houses of those in The Family (yes they do refer to it as some sort of sentient entity, to the PP who asked ). It's really fucking weird. I feel like I've missed some sort of memo with DH's family at times. If I sent her a polite "please don't be offended but" text, the repercussions would be epic. Eighth cousins twice removed would be talking about it in years to come. Pils would take SIL's side and everyone would think we'd gone nuts. They just don't communicate like that, everything is sort of an unsaid expectation.

DH says "oh God, please no" when we hear the door going and it's them. He does tidy up after the trashing, but that's neither here nor there because whichever one of us does it, the other has to sort out baby/dinner/whatever on their own while the other tidies, so either way it's extra hassle all round. DH has also talked about buying stick on privacy things for the window so we can have the curtains open to let light in, but not SIL's eyes.

Again this is all fairly new to us as due to a fairly recent house move, and nephew starting that particular nursery, we weren't in the same proximity we are now.

SIL wouldn't give a single shit if smoking in the car is illegal. She barely has the child in a car seat as it is. Only when she's driving more than about fifteen minutes away from home

OP posts:

Original poster

Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 22:29

I did engage with sil and nephew more at the start, out of politeness and also to occupy nephew in an effort to stop the trashing. Now I don't as much, and it has shortened the length of the visits at least, as nephew gets bored and fractious sooner.

OP posts:

Itssosunny · 22/06/2019 22:32

It's like having playdates everyday and who in their right mind likes having daily playdates.
In case your DH will encourage you to pick nephew earlier as his sister wanted tell him a firm no or ask him to do it.

Itssosunny · 22/06/2019 22:34

You need to keep locking the doors and then when she turns up, actually stand in the doorway and say "sorry, it's not a good time, just got in blah blah".

She is her SIL not some school mum.

Grainedmonkey · 22/06/2019 22:35

I think you are being very tolerant OP, I would be going nuts by now and trying to devise a plan to derail her visits, It's hard to confront her directly given the family expectations so I would be trying to identify a pattern of the time and days she is likely to come round and then make sure I was out of sight upstairs and of course the doors need to be locked. 4-6 is the worse time with a young family. Perhaps she would give up trying after a few weeks?

Itssosunny · 22/06/2019 22:36

If your DH can't sort it out then I would "sign up" for an intensive course. Unfortunately you won't be able to study late in the evening so this would need to be done between 6 and 8 pm or something. Very important course.

Original poster

Scoopofdaz · 22/06/2019 22:39

GrainedMonkey that's what I'm thinking. Just quietly try to phase it out. I'll have to point out to DH that we'll have to basically lock our doors behind us as soon as we come in, and close the curtains/blinds.

It's a bit of a family trait I think. Fil was most offended after we wrested the spare key off him. He kept popping in and borrowing things, and then they weren't there when I wanted them

OP posts:

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 22/06/2019 22:41

You're going to have to move

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