AIBU to tell her I don't want her "popping in"

[Scoopofdaz]

We have an eight month old baby. Sil lives a fifteen minute drive away, but her workplace, and her son's nursery, is very near to our house.

She has developed the habit of "popping in" after work to see us. This ends up being any time from about half four to half six (she works variable hours) so right over tea/bedtime. She doesn't even knock - just pushes the door open and walks in. She smokes on the way from picking up nephew to arriving at our house, and a few times I have had to give the baby a second bedtime bath due to stinking of smoke. Nephew is almost three, and is naturally exhausted by the end of the day, so most of the time he throws an almighty tantrum - the last time it was because he couldn't take the baby's bouncer home with him, so he tipped it over and kicked it, screaming.

We did lock the doors, but she came around the side of the house and held nephew up to the window "to see if uncle and auntie were in". It was OK in winter when we could close the curtains, but I can't do that from 4pm all summer.

I have had enough, as from yesterday. I have had to return to work earlier than I would have liked, which has been really difficult for me. I work in a stressful, full on job. Luckily my mum has DC on some of my days, so after picking up DC from her, I got home, absolutely exhausted (baby doesn't sleep well either) only to find SIL squatting on my sofa holding forth while nephew absolutely trashed the place. DH had got home early and she'd been trying the door handle as he'd pulled up, apparently. Nephew was absolutely trading the place, and that's what got me-baby had wakened early, so before work I'd cleaned, tidied and got housework done, precisely because I knew I'd be home later and wanted everything done so we could enjoy our evening.

I probably sound petty, but I'm finding it all so stressful. I'm really tired, I hate leaving my baby, and these visits just feel so invasive right now. I also suspect she wants us to start picking up nephew from nursery and start keeping him for her until she comes home from work - her hours are changing next year, and there was something about having to pay for a full hour for nephew even though she could pick him up at ten past - I didn't catch the ins and outs of it, but I got the gist that if someone, ie us, picked him up just fifteen minutes earlier it would save so much money... I'm sorry but no, I really don't want to do that. Though I could be being totally unfair and reading the situation wrongly, just that she has form for being keen on the idea of "family helping each other out" but never putting herself out... Oh I'm being a bitch now. But how do I stop this?

Sounds like she doesn't want to go home to me. Is her home life ok?

Fil was most offended after we wrested the spare key off him. He kept popping in and borrowing things, and then they weren't there when I wanted them

I think OP the extended family thinks that all of you a very big family and everything can be shared between everyone in this big family. That's why she comes over to you so often because she loves being a part of your family as well maybe even more than hers. It's annoying really and she needs to stop overstepping the limits.

Just reading the OP is stressing me right out. DH has to tell her FIRMLY.

Itssosunny that's exactly it. They'd think I was tightfisted and unreasonable for not throwing open my doors and my possessions to whoever requires them. They probably already do think that. I am very protective of my own space though, and I don't lend.... But then I don't borrow either!

Well no. I do lend. I would lend, if they asked, but they don't feel the need to ask because they assume it's all OK

Her home life is fine as far as I know. Bil is a bit of a wet weekend, but nice enough. I think it's more to do with nephew, she struggles to control him and I think is happy to let other people entertain him

I'm getting the impression it's (at least in part) because she finds her son hard to cope with
very difficult to deal with that kind of family set up if it's just not your mode of being, I hate all that enmeshment and find it suffocating, I run in the opposite direction
but some thrive in it

I find it suffocating too. I consider myself very close to my family, but we like actually going and doing things together when we want to spend time together - days out, meals out. DH's family socialise by sitting in each other's houses.

Fil was most offended after we wrested the spare key off him
but you still did it, you were able to set boundaries with him, and that should pave the way for setting boundaries with her

An older mum told me years ago to start using three little words politely and firmly, over and over again, with a big smile, when I didn't want to agree to something. They were "It doesn't suit"....... the more up to date version seems to be "that doesn't work for me"..... I LOVE that expression. Do NOT feel under pressure to explain why "it doesn't suit". Just repeat till she gets the message. So you'll get the reputation in the wider family of being a bit odd, but won't it be worth it for your sanity!

If she can’t cope with her son, and given the family dynamics, why aren’t you disciplining him? I’d be telling him “No” when he’s destroying the room. That doesn’t solve your biggest problem, but it does ameliorate one.

I think I’d have to move house. That’s difficult to deal with. But as someone else just said- you successfully enforced a boundary with fil so you’ll have to try and do this with sil.

It sounds hideous, I would loathe people 'popping in. You're going to have to move, Australia should just about be far enough. Seriously, is there any chance you could move far enough to deter your SiL?

She's really inconsiderate visiting un announced at teatime on a work night. Lock the front door (it really should be locked for your security not just her) & get a blind/net for the side window: or lock the side gate if you have one. Then ask her to keep visits to weekends.

Jesus. Tell her straight that you're really busy & just need downtime at home & can she let you know if she needs to pop round or you'll send a dinner invite?

Going against the grain here but the second post admits it is only once, perhaps twice a week not daily - still annoying but different to every day. I would suggest the I'm tired tactic and rather than random visits invite her on certain days (perhaps fortnightly) to yours and for nephew to join your son for tea. She is right family is important

Family is only as important as you want it to be. If the OP would choose being able to come home after a long work day, see her child, eat dinner and have a calm bedtime routine rather than an unsought encounter inconsiderate SIL arriving at an inconvenient time, stinking of smoke and letting her child trash the house, surely that’s her call. It would be mine too.

She sounds rough as heather. How bothered are you if the 8th cousins talk about it for years to come? Because I can't see how it could be dealt with without upsetting her. How clannish. I can only suggest a move to the other side of the country.

Just say you want to do a routine for baby to settle baby before night and don’t want baby to get too excited?

OP..cheap deckchairs..thats your solution!! As bonkers as it sounds the more uncomfortable the better! Get them out and put them in garden...You see her coming then sit in the garden and close the door ..stop making them too comfortable.Its supposedly summer so next time they arrive you sit in the garden with them ...keeps the nephew out of the house and keeps your house tidy...she might not stay too long if she can;t get inside.She could be too cold or anything! The fresh air will help your baby sleep too..no coffee no tea have a book beside you or a newspaper and exclaim the virtues of outdoor living...I know this works as I have had similar and my nuisance stopped coming round after a while!!! You are not being unreasonable at all by the way but being a little crafty can make things go your way and no cross words needed! Failing that a simple oh sorry Sis just off out grabbing coat ...can you ring me next time you want to come to check I am in as life has stepped up a pace and I am so busy lately...I wouldnt want to miss you so can you call me next time then you can save a journey if we arent in? perfectly reasonable to say that again with no arguments although I know you will probably feel like killing her it might work...also maybe oh Sis sorry dave n sue are due any minute now so I cant invite you in they are coming for dinner and I need to get sorted?? failing that a simple oh f""k not you again cant we get any peace should well and truely put the boot in!

Iwould not like this one bit, but then I hate any uninvited guests.

I would not be letting her cuddle my baby with her smokey clothes and breath around them - I would be saying if you smell of smoke no cuddles.

I would have to agree with a PP and say we are starting to get her into a routine before bed, so we can set up an afternoon at the weekend for us all to catch up but no popping in for a bit until we have established the routine.

Gentle solution: tell everyone that your baby has ‘insert issue’, and the specialist, GP, health visitor, etc have insisted on ABC afternoon/evening routine. No stress, no interruptions. Underline that. Tell them all you’ve been asked to keep a diary and report weekly.
Have a sign made for outside that says ‘No deliveries/visitors after 4pm please. Thanks for your understanding.’ You’ll find someone on ETSY who’ll do it. Add a big poster with the routine on the kitchen wall, and then add a chain lock to your door. Stick to it 100% for the first 3 weeks, while everyone tests your boundaries. They’ll get bored after that, surely?

My (not so nice) version: I’d work on making life so unbearable for 3yo nephew, that it puts SIL off coming. I could get quite creative with that. Make him hate your house, even the front driveway.

I think you have to be honest really. I'd say it in a very nice way - you love seeing her and your nephew but you're so exhausted that you can't cope with company in the evening. Suggest you arrange one night a week (or fortnight or whatever) where you all meet to catch up. Her poor son probably needs to go home and sleep!

You should never have moved so close to them.

With the situation now, you need to have a chat with your DH to agree on what your strategy will be. I suspect that if you re establish boundaries and tell her not to come so often/unless invited etc... you will have a massive fall out. If you dint say anything, you will fall out with your dh etc....
This could start with saying SIL coming once a week on a Tuesday is ok but she has to ensure her 3yo doesnt trash the place or she needs to tidy up after him.

So whatever you decide, it needs to be in such a way that you can and will present a United front. The ‘talk’ about not popping up needs to come from your DH too (the question being whether he will be able to as it goes so much against the any he was brought up and what he considers normal even if a bit of a pain).

I'm surprised by this thread. usually the vast majority of comments would be telling she OP to tell the sil to do one!
I agree you can do it kindly but basically you or rather your dh needs to nip in the bud. you need to put your family first. your dhs extended family will get over it eventually.

Family is only as important as you want it to be.
That only works if the OP is the only involved. But her DH will feel the repercussions of her putting her feet down and falling out with HIS family. After all, the SIL is his family and he has a right to say it’s ok for her to be in HIS house/call when ever she wants etc... And it’s ok if he thinks his family is very important.

The only way to make it work for the Op’s family unit is for the OP and her DH to find a solution that works for both of them.