AIBU to tell her I don't want her "popping in"

[Scoopofdaz]

We have an eight month old baby. Sil lives a fifteen minute drive away, but her workplace, and her son's nursery, is very near to our house.

She has developed the habit of "popping in" after work to see us. This ends up being any time from about half four to half six (she works variable hours) so right over tea/bedtime. She doesn't even knock - just pushes the door open and walks in. She smokes on the way from picking up nephew to arriving at our house, and a few times I have had to give the baby a second bedtime bath due to stinking of smoke. Nephew is almost three, and is naturally exhausted by the end of the day, so most of the time he throws an almighty tantrum - the last time it was because he couldn't take the baby's bouncer home with him, so he tipped it over and kicked it, screaming.

We did lock the doors, but she came around the side of the house and held nephew up to the window "to see if uncle and auntie were in". It was OK in winter when we could close the curtains, but I can't do that from 4pm all summer.

I have had enough, as from yesterday. I have had to return to work earlier than I would have liked, which has been really difficult for me. I work in a stressful, full on job. Luckily my mum has DC on some of my days, so after picking up DC from her, I got home, absolutely exhausted (baby doesn't sleep well either) only to find SIL squatting on my sofa holding forth while nephew absolutely trashed the place. DH had got home early and she'd been trying the door handle as he'd pulled up, apparently. Nephew was absolutely trading the place, and that's what got me-baby had wakened early, so before work I'd cleaned, tidied and got housework done, precisely because I knew I'd be home later and wanted everything done so we could enjoy our evening.

I probably sound petty, but I'm finding it all so stressful. I'm really tired, I hate leaving my baby, and these visits just feel so invasive right now. I also suspect she wants us to start picking up nephew from nursery and start keeping him for her until she comes home from work - her hours are changing next year, and there was something about having to pay for a full hour for nephew even though she could pick him up at ten past - I didn't catch the ins and outs of it, but I got the gist that if someone, ie us, picked him up just fifteen minutes earlier it would save so much money... I'm sorry but no, I really don't want to do that. Though I could be being totally unfair and reading the situation wrongly, just that she has form for being keen on the idea of "family helping each other out" but never putting herself out... Oh I'm being a bitch now. But how do I stop this?

lock the doors and let her see you inside ignoring her. It would take balls of steel, but some people ignore hints that don't suit them.

A friend of mine had an issue like this with her MIL.
One time, when they heard her coming up the drive, they both stripped off and jumped on the sofa. When she barged in, they were in what looked like the throws of passion.

She has never, ever come round uninvited again.

Keep doors locked properly
Get net curtains so they can’t look in (if you don’t like them hopefully this won’t last long she will get the message and then you can take them down)
Make sure your dh knows you don’t want her there so doesn’t let her in

another thought...maybe just sit down with her and say something like ...karen I was wanting to have a chat with you..kev and I are really worried about you...is anything wrong?Only we have noticed you are round here all the time instead of being at home...is everything ok with dave and home? If you have a problem you can speak to us we can try to help you but we both find it really strange you being here instead of being at home where you should be happiest? It would take some special kind of thicko not to get the real gist of what you are saying but you are doing it in a loving ,caring,gentle way.....maybe try some of that...we know what you are really getting at and maybe so will she but no offence caused by being tactful and diplomatic ..its kidology and bullshit but on your terms!

We have wooden slat blinds - at the right angle people can’t look in

Or put a lock in the back gate so she can’t get round

Lock the front door

The nursery thing could work in your favour- 'dh will pick nephew up for you each Monday and meet him at your work/ car/ home.' You look as if you are being reasonable but SIL and nephew don't need to come over.

Yanbu but your dh should really be the one to have a stern word and not you if you can help it. In the longer run this is less likely to cause a family rift. I can see how this could become very irritating and definitely in your best interest to nip it in the bud especially as you are going back to work soon. I can only imagine coming home from work knackered trying to do bath and bedtime with your nephew trashing the place.

As a kid my dad had taken us all to the cinema as a rare bank holiday treat. We had several missed calls and texts once we left cinema from my mum's sister. She said that she had popped over to visit and was outside our house so could we hurry up. We had plans to go out for pizza afterwards which got cancelled. When we got home we found that they had climbed up our fence opened it and let themselves into our garden and sat there. My dad was pissed but left it to my mum to day something (she didn't). Aunt's reasoning was they let themselves in the garden as they didn't want to sit in the car, they didn't ring beforehand because, 'you never go anywhere'. My response was, 'well the one time we did you decided to climb our fence and sit in our garden, you're lucky next door neighbour didn't call the police, I would of!' Fair to say she doesn't like me much. The annoying thing is she bloody lives 3 hours away from my mum's and you are expected to give a weeks notice before going there. Honestly nip it in the bud now or the resentment will only increase and tell her to tidy up after her own kid eg. 'just gonna get lo off to bed, its tidy up time sweetheart, don't worry your mum will help'.

Ask her to call first and see if it suits you? Then say no?

Oh for goodness sake, tell her that having her visit at the end of the day doesn’t suit you, if you need a reason explain you’re trying to get organised after a day at work - or don’t give a reason at all. Keep your door locked and your side gate locked. You’re a fully grown woman with a child, parenthood is going to be a bloody long haul if you can’t set the simplest of boundaries.

Locking the doors, sitting in the dark room etc sounds a bit too much and how long for?

This is what I would say to SIL.
"SIL, I am so sorry darling but we won't be able to see you in the next X days. I've been given to do some extra things at work and in addition to it have also started an online course (you can start something OP as there is plenty of free courses online) and I am simply exhausted. I have to do it all before 8pm as otherwise I would have to do it when everyone is asleep and I can't. I am already so tired that when I come home from work I just want to lie down and fall asleep. How about you come to us on this date? I will try to make time for you. So sorry. DH is annoyed with me as I go to bed late and wake up grumpy. Blah-blah-blah."

You need to show your SIL that you "love" her and you still want to see her in the future but at the moment it is very inconvenient but you will find time for it as you are always so happy to see her. If she offers you to look after DC so you could study in the meantime thank her but say no as you wouldn't be able to concentrate on your studies properly.

There are free online courses at Openlearn (Open University), vision2learn or Futurelearn.

You could send her a message saying busy next week why don't you come round on Thursday after work?
So you are inviting them. Then when they are there pick another night for following week and then start to scale back so not every week.

I agree that family is important, I expect family to treat me with respect and consideration for my privacy not just trample all over my needs and put their needs first

some people seem to conflate and confuse 'family is important' with 'family can abuse me if it suits them'

FFS I'd go spare. I also know that given my previous form I'd keep smiling and tolerating and being polite until one day I totally lose it, go over the top, all the annoyance I've swallowed comes tumbling out, and relations are permanently ruined. Didn't speak to my brother and S-I-L for years for similar reasons, she would arrive and dump her children and swan off into town for an afternoon free. Instead of saying something the second time it happened I gritted my teeth and let it continue for years, so by the time I blew it was no-holds-barred. Let her know now, before it becomes something that ruins all sorts of family relationships.