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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell DH he looks silly in some of his outfits?

105 replies

Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:09

We've been together 20 years. When we first met he wore jeans and t shirts and looked nice.

About 7 years in, he started wearing more eccentric outfits, until I eventually gently told him his outfits didn't work. He was hurt and upset and I felt bad, but he seemed to stop the worst combinations.

Since then he wears his weirdest stuff when he goes out on his own, but sometimes I'm embarrassed when we're together, because he still wears odd combinations.

Tonight when he went out DS told him he looked awful and I've been cringing about the looks he'll be getting as he walked into town.

I don't know what to do - on the one hand I think people have a right to wear what they like and don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing this up again. But on the other hand I want to feel proud of my DH and to fancy him, but I can't when he looks so silly.

It would be very outing to describe his outfits but try and imagine if someone had thrown together some very loud items, vintage 70s items, clashing patterns, over the top accessories, a hat, and some worn stuff with holes in all together in a crazy mismatched way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:10

Should have said - he stopped the worst of it years ago but still wears weird stuff from time to time and it seems to be on the increase at the moment.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 21/06/2019 20:16

Is he into steampunk or something?

Hiphopopotamous · 21/06/2019 20:18

How would you feel if he said he didn't like your clothes, or the way you did your hair, or your makeup?

Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:19

No, he just buys things he likes and then throws them all on at the same time with no sense of whether they go together or not or whether they suit his shape, age or height.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 21/06/2019 20:20

I'd tell him. I had a male friend like this. He had his stuff made, in fabrics & patterns you'd usually see on 80's sofas. He was trying very hard, to be 'wacky & alternative'. After some comments from girls on a night out, I sat him down & showed him Chubby Brown & said this is who you look like & what those girls meant. He stopped & now looks very nice (he went for a look he liked that a colleague his age has) .

Mummadeeze · 21/06/2019 20:20

Trying not to laugh at your description. But live and let live I say. Clashing patterns are quite fashionable. I would just let him enjoy his statement look. Better than blending in in my opinion.

Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:20

ps people do give him funny looks when we're out.

OP posts:
Beesandcheese · 21/06/2019 20:21

Like you said. People have a right to wear what they like. But you also expect him to dress for your pleasure by looking attractive to you. YABU. If a man said that they'd get called out for creepy double standards.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 21/06/2019 20:21

So what, it's bit your job to give him permission to wear whatever hrs comfortable in as long as it's within the laws around pubic decency, and even if he went out in crotchless trousers with no underwear it's a police matter. I'm sure he doesn't tell you what to wear. You're also teaching your son to be horribly judgemental

Rachelle11 · 21/06/2019 20:21

I love people who march to the beat of their own drum. Helena Bonham Carter has the most amazing wardrobe and I love that wears what she loves.

I would not be happy if DH critiqued my outfit.

You might think he looks silly but some people might love his eccentricity.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 20:22

I'm afraid this is your problem not his problem. You not liking his style is very much you not him.

He might be compensating for boredom in other areas. Maybe feeling too grey and old. No outlet for his personality except his clothing. Is that what's going on? Does he need to feel alive, noticed, not any old identikit dreary man? Can you push him towards a suitable hobby/job/volunteering role?

fashiondevotee · 21/06/2019 20:23

Life is short, OP. Let him dress how he wants, for occasions where it doesn't matter.

If he wants to dress funny to a formal event, sure, it'd be fair to draw the line. But otherwise, I think it's nice he's not afraid to wear what he wants.

sockatoe · 21/06/2019 20:24

Does he have a hat based personality?

He's your partner. He's an adult. Surely if he has broad enough shoulders to carry off an eclectic mix, you should to walk with him.

Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:25

If you were out in town, and your partner or spouse decided to wear outlandish weird clothes that look bizarre and embarrassing and you you bump into your normal looking colleagues - WWYD?

If I shouldn't tell him, how do I handle the embarrassment? Nobody else's DH looks like mine. Seriously, nobody's.

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 21/06/2019 20:27

You can't compare a person dressing in a way that OP describes to HBC! She's incredibly stylish yet alternative.

Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:29

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan - think you have the wrong impression - I haven't discussed this with my son at all. He just noticed this evening and was very vocal about it! He has no idea I agree with him on the subject.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 21/06/2019 20:31

It's not style if it looks like he went digging in a charity shop bin in the dark!

Maybe you can be supportive OP by putting together some outfits from what he likes. So they don't clash as much. Also by stealthily throwing away the stuff that has holes.

I would be mortified if my DH suddenly started dressing as you describe!

Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:31

You can't compare a person dressing in a way that OP describes to HBC! She's incredibly stylish yet alternative.

Exactly! He gets looks and stares when he goes out because he doesn't look right. He was even ostracised and stared at for a while at his job and someone there said 'we didn't know what to make of you at first because of the way you dress but we've come to like you' - and that is when he wears his more conventional stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
Birdsonginthetrees · 21/06/2019 20:33

Thanks for the understanding Preggosaurus. Mortified describes it well.

It's awful because I love him so much and really don't want to be controlling or tell him what to wear or hurt his feelings, but I really don't like being stared at or sneered at when we go out.

OP posts:
TigerDroveAgain · 21/06/2019 20:34

If I bumped into my colleagues and I was with my eccentricity dressed DH, I’d be proud of him for being himself. Assuming he’s not smelly or filthy, I can’t see the problem. Unclench, relax, live and let live.

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 20:38

What's the look he is trying to achieve? Is the desired effect actually pretty cool, it's just that he's failing? Or do you fundamentally dislike what he is trying to do?

ToastyFingers · 21/06/2019 20:39

I dress like your DH. Vintage, jazzy and often full of holes. I've been likened to Willy wonka in the past, also a wizard.
Dh dresses normally, and does rip the piss a bit but says not giving a fuck about what other people think is sexier than any outfit.

sergeilavrov · 21/06/2019 20:41

I don't think it's reasonable to want him to change his clothing. It comes off as controlling, and I agree with the pp that pointed out the reverse of this (a man telling a woman she dressed in a way that embarrassed him). Is he comfortable? Does he feel confident? Is he happy? If so, great - support him, instead of being embarrassed - take pride that you have such a wonderfully unique partner.

I dress very differently to my dh, to the point we look like we're going to entirely different events (I'm formal, he's very casual). I love this about him.

bourbonbiccy · 21/06/2019 20:42

I would love a photo of said outfits 😃😃
It's a difficult one as I would tell my DH I thought he looked ridiculous and would expect nothing less from him.

But I would want to not care and say live and let live, and advise others that's what they should do ........but deep down, I think I know I couldn't myself 😟😟😟

Lllot5 · 21/06/2019 20:47

I like the sound of him I must say.
I fully intend to walk down the high street in a purple cloak one of these fine days. Good luck to him.