WIBU to tell DH he looks silly in some of his outfits?

[Birdsonginthetrees]

We've been together 20 years. When we first met he wore jeans and t shirts and looked nice.

About 7 years in, he started wearing more eccentric outfits, until I eventually gently told him his outfits didn't work. He was hurt and upset and I felt bad, but he seemed to stop the worst combinations.

Since then he wears his weirdest stuff when he goes out on his own, but sometimes I'm embarrassed when we're together, because he still wears odd combinations.

Tonight when he went out DS told him he looked awful and I've been cringing about the looks he'll be getting as he walked into town.

I don't know what to do - on the one hand I think people have a right to wear what they like and don't want to hurt his feelings by bringing this up again. But on the other hand I want to feel proud of my DH and to fancy him, but I can't when he looks so silly.

It would be very outing to describe his outfits but try and imagine if someone had thrown together some very loud items, vintage 70s items, clashing patterns, over the top accessories, a hat, and some worn stuff with holes in all together in a crazy mismatched way.

If he looks silly and it makes you feel embarrassed you should say as kindly as you can. I expect he'd do the same for you - wouldn't he? "I'm not going out with you dressed in that!" It's a pity that you can't find a common ground with which you are both comfortable. However, if he is as outlandish as you say someone else may do the job for you - there's always a big-mouth ready to give their opinion whether others want to hear it or not. Then it's up to him how he responds. It sounds like a mid-life crisis.

Thanks for all the replies, I'm going on an arts workshop for the day so will reply properly later.

I think I've decided to suggest he treat himself to a new jacket - the jacket is the worst offender with all the holes / rips and covered in band badges. I hope if I encourage him to get something more special / expensive he won't put the band badges all over it (a few would be fine, a clag of loads and loads of them looks pretty dire).

I'm also going to see if I can encourage him to buy a plain hat - I love his patterned hat when he is wearing certain clothes but it really doesn't go with everything.

Sorry I can't post photos - it would be too outing - imagine if you recognised him?!

ps Yes he wears toenail varnish.

With his sandals on. I've seen people laugh at him behind his back when out and about sadly.

Problem is, the wackier someone dresses, esp with holey/ripped etc clothing (not 'fashionably' distressed) .. the more likely people are to assume mental health problems.

Which has implications socially, career wise etc.

That's not fair on you, your family or even on himself.

People can argue it's not fair and everyone else should not judge but that's like asking the sun not to shine.

Your post made me laugh. My dh was like this he'd be going off to watch cricket on a day like today, think black socks with sandals, shorts - the sort you might wear on the beach, mismatched top and a Panama hat. I bought him a sweatshirt one Christmas with Pigs might fly across it, and it was holes when he died as he'd worn it so much.

Then you'd see him in a cotton shirt, blazer and slacks looking very respectable

In fact the people I've seen around towns I've lived in who dressed extremely wackily or in unintentionally distressed clothing did also appear to have mental health problems (the more times I saw them).

ps people do give him funny looks when we're out

Same as my DH, but I'm proud that he does his own thing with confidence & feck everyone else's opinion 🤷‍♀️

We don't all have to be clones but there is something not functioning fully in someone who has absolutely no awareness of how they look (or think it looks great when it's a mess) and are equally unaware of people's reactions of shock, ridicule, unease etc.

If they are aware and actively don't not care, that's one thing - but that doesn't sound the case.

Maybe you could help him style in a less is more sort of way. Look at the pieces he likes and work to create something that isn't too much going on. Perhaps say there's too many things to look at in his outfits and if there were fewer bits they'd really look good.

So statement shirt, plain jeans / trousers.

Don't lose his individuality but create a considered look not a jumble of things just thrown together.

Honestly, I'd be embarrassed to walk around with someone if they dressed the way you described. It sounds like he's trying really hard to be wacky and "out there". I'd have to say something.

But then DH and I have always been brutally honest about the other's clothes. He once returned a tshirt because I told him it was "a bit Savage Garden" and recently I bought some wide legged trousers for work and he asked, "did you buy those from Tam Shepherds?" (an old joke/fancy dress shop in Glasgow)

I walked past a coffee shop the other day and there was a man sitting outside with his espresso and he was dressed in such an outlandish, seventies way! The hat, the psychedelic shirt with the suede vest with loads of different pins on it, the flares with rips and badges sewn onto them and the pointy leather boots with a heel.

I thought he looked fantastic lol. And setting next to him, holding his hand, was his very professionally dressed wife/girlfriend. They looked lovely!

Hmmm - I would probably mention it as it sounds like it’s more than just the odd ‘dodgy’ shirt and he’s making v bad fashion choices that stop you fancying him. Could you ask him - nicely - why he’s gone back to wearing these ensembles - midlife crisis maybe? My dh likes the odd whacky shirt and I do tell him if he’s gone too off piste sometimes.
I have a similar issue w teen DD who wears mainly ‘vintage’ and it doesn’t always work/looks too wacky. I feel it’s a shame as she is gorgeous but doesn’t make the most of it at all. I am hoping it’s a ‘phase’ and I have given up expressing opinion as even when she asks for it she doesn’t really want to hear the truth.

The word "ridiculous" was invented for a reason.

I had a boyfriend years back who was a bit like this, however it was not as extreme as what you describe, OP.

He genuinely thought he was fashionable and quirky, when he just looked... well, ridiculous.

Some people have the style, look and sense to be able to get away with out-there clothes. Others don't. My ex didn't.

I really was not that bothered about my boyfriend's clothes, so I never told him. Years after we broke the relationship he wrote an email to me with a photo of us attached, where he looked like... well, he just looked like he used to back then. The caption was "oh my God, why didn't you tell me I looked like THIS?"

I answered, "well, you looked at yourself at mirrors quite often, didn't you just know?"

And his answer was: "no, I always saw myself as fashionable and trendy, I wish you had told me!"

So OP, perhaps just take a photo of him when he's dressed like that, wait for some months, and then print it in a large size and leave it for him on a place where he will find it and will not expdct it. Looking at yourself in the mirror is completely diofferent from seeing yourself in a photo or movie. He may the notice and be aware of how he really looks.

This reminds me of my dad's brother.
He's the type of man who, as a child your parents would have warned you to "stay away from weird Bob on the estate". The kind of bloke who gives you the creeps.

I once went with gran on a day out and weird uncle joined us. As a teen I was beyond mortified. He was unwashed and had on the most ridiculous of outfits on I had ever seen. Dirty white trainers full of holes, corduroy flared trousers, aluminous lime socks, and a pale yellow tea towel material (small raised squares all over it) v neck jumper thing and a pinstriped tux jacket complete with tails.

I didn't know what to do with myself. People kept staring.

I appreciate that people have the right to wear what they want but, like freedom of speech, you have that right but it doesn't mean people must agree with you or want to associate with you. I would tell my DH straight that he looks like a fool and I have no intention of heading out anywhere with him.

images.app.goo.gl/nodJccovKB6PCuVf8

Is this your DH op?

I do know a couple who divorced due to this issue. The woman had a very professional job and her DH turned up to her work function (met her there rather than going from home) in one of his unusual outfits. The dress code was black tie. It was the last straw for her as he routinely did that sort of thing. He was a really nice guy with a job and social circle where his way of dressing was accepted, encouraged even but was really detached from how other people perceived him and the effect it had on his wife.

I'd be having words OP, sorry - and be slightly concerned for his faculties. There's non conforming and then there's just embarrassment and ridicule probably targeting you and your family too. Because he can't pull an outlandish outfit together properly. I'm all for live and let live but I wouldn't tolerate being made a holy show of.

Just dance... your dd doesnt make the most of herself.... ugh. I'm sure you're doing wonders for her self esteem, and while you've supposedly stopped telling her what u think , maybe ensure you dont let her know how disappointed u are in her, she wont forget.

I think it's sad the amt of people who are consumed by the belief that their taste is the only way to go. It's not.

Hmm, I think this is complicated! I think it’s reasonable of you to want him to look a bit more presentable (or less eccentric 70s tramp, if that’s how he appears) but I think you have to respect that he obviously doesn’t want to look like Joe Bloggs.
I told an eccentric ex not to wear certain patterns together because they didn’t look good together, but I didn’t ask him not to ever wear them.. DH still had clothes from uni when we started dating and it was a bit of a sentenced in 2005 like PP said! Some things were so tatty I insisted they were binned.
If he wants to express himself through his appearance, I think he should be able to, but maybe you could help him channel his creativity into putting together a more refined version of his look? I think telling him to stop painting his nails would be mean, but you could ask him to be aware that his look attracts attention, therefore you would like him to consider his outfits more carefully so that they all look fantastic! Praise and understanding important here I th8nk.

Thanks for all the posts, some good points and suggestions here, thanks also to some of you for making me laugh! That Timmy Mallet link...

I'm going to aim for a kind gentle gradual wardrobe improvement, by suggesting he buys himself a new summer jacket, and trying to make suggestions but stay positive - e.g. 'those trouser look great, they'd look even better with xx top, lets look for one online '

I dated a guy once who wore really ‘loud’ button up shirts but he wore one on the first date so I fully knew what to expect! He had bright ginger hair and a big beard too. I really liked him and didn’t care.

I think it’s different if their style suddenly changes and it’s just not what you were originally attracted to though. I would be upset if my DP suddenly started wearing tracksuits for example and would have words (he would if it were me as well).

Please can you post like for like photos from online?

I am torn on this, because I am not a very conventional dresser, and I like people to wear what they like. However I also have an inner Jeeves that means certain items of clothing, or combinations, affront my eyes. My personal Jeeves moments happen with tie dye, low crotch harem type trousers on men, men with long nails ( no I don’t care if you play the guitar, chop them off, they are vile) anything with deliberate holes, jeans shorts with the pockets hanging down, certain sorts of denim, especially fake fading and creasing, black shirts on men ( what are you, filthy or a fascist ? Take it off ) , blue hair unless you are 15, anything with a noticeable logo on , nylon lace, men in lace-up shirts as though they are that bloke in Robin Hood in the early 80s, men in stupidly tight lycra trousers, and / or pointy toed shoes. Oh and “ethnic” clothes that have no relation to the ethnicity of the wearer.
I did once almost need a lie down after seeing a man in a scrunchie.
I could go on. I think by now you probably can tell that I would have burn your DH’s entire wardrobe and dance around the flames.