Are weddings cf?

[DoYouNeedAWee]

My cousin is getting married soon, I'm not invited but my parents are. I've actually only ever been to one wedding in my life when I was about 8.
Me and my mum were chatting about it and she says the couple have asked for money instead of gifts, I asked how much are they giving and she said £100!
My parents are working class but live comfortably, but that still seemed a lot and it got me thinking what if every guest gave £100? And what if there are 100+ guests? That's £10000 they'll be getting!
For all I know it could be a cheap wedding so getting married will make them a profit.
Is it normal to ask for money instead of gifts when you get married?
And is £100 a usual amount to give?
Aibu in thinking it sounds very cf-erish to me? But then I eloped and wouldn't dream of spending thousands on a wedding, let alone asking guests for money or even gifts.

”Yes, God forbid a couple are hard up and desperately need money, they shouldn't be so 'tacky'. Personally I think it's more tacky to pass judgement.”

I think you’ll probably find that most couples who host weddings and ask friends and family attending for money aren’t actually on the breadline...

My dps usually give around £100. How they see it is that they are having a 3 course meal and some alcohol. Which normally you’d pay £50 a head for if you went to a restaurant.

We didn't ask for money but everyone popped it in cards anyway

And that's exactly why there's rarely any need to mention money; we all know many give it anyway, and the few who still ask for ideas are hardly likely to add up to "endless" badgering

FWIW, if a guest does ask what's wanted I see nothing wrong with suggesting money ... it's the B&G asking upfront I'm not keen on

Urgh I don’t understand at all why people have the issue over asking for cash contributions. We asked for honeymoon experiences to be purchased (as these were gifts we actually wanted) I can’t get my head around how it’s FINE to produce a long list of fancy items you want from JL but not honeymoon contributions...etc! Either way you’re telling people what to buy!

A couple of our guests bought us there weird online vouchers 🙄 which was totally disappointing as there’s NOTHING we need, want or can fit into our home and we can’t donate it to charity so no doubt it’ll just go to waste now.

We’re a childless 25-35 couple earning £100k ... if we wanted it we’ve probably bought it already!

In my dh's family they give £100 to family and £50 to family friends. In my family, close family get some form of gold jewellery and males a gift (watch, shirt, cufflinks etc) or £100. Noone is directly asked for money but invites always go out with ' no boxed gifts please' so it is implied. People can and do adjust what they give depending on their funds.

I think it is cheeky to ask for people to pay towards your honeymoon, either you can afford one or you can't but each to their own.

We’re a childless 25-35 couple earning £100k

So wouldn’t need to ask for money either, right?

I’m in my early 30s so have been to quite a few weddings in the last five years or so.

Obviously in previous generations, household gifts (china, appliances etc) were the norm because people didn't generally leave together before marriage/didn’t have as much money so these gifts actually helped set the married couple up for their new life. I think it was quite a sweet idea that all of the couple’s family and friends contribute to the new married life and house etc so those cups and saucers or whatever you had bought for a couple would be used for years to come.

All of my friends who have married, have lived together and have all of those household items. Many of them owned their own houses before marriage. Therefore they don’t ‘need’ any gifts so the options are to either say ‘no gifts’ or ask for money. Personally I do feel like asking for money is a bit grabby - you don’t need it, you just want it. There’s no sentiment behind it - I get that a toaster isn’t a particularly sentimental item (!) but the overall sentiment of setting the couple up for the future is nice.

When we got married, we realised that we didn’t ‘need’ anything so we rather than just asking for something for the sake of it, we suggested people just donate to a charity of their choice, and only if they wanted to. Some people did (some told us, one sponsored a rescue animal for us!) and a very small number gave gifts - these were really just immediate family and they were lovely thoughtful gifts. Because they wanted to buy them.

*LIVE together!

@Spiceupyourlife this is exactly what I don’t understand, you’re a childless couple earning a good salary and you don’t need anything. So why not just say ‘no gifts’. To be in such a fortunate financial position and not need anything then complain about gifts you have received (the vouchers) just seems so ungrateful and entitled.

@Swiftier totally agree. @Spiceupyourlife that is a very grabby attitude. What you should've done is asked for no gifts if you were going to be ungrateful about the ones you received.

Gluezilla (for those who remember my horror wedding thread from a few years ago) had a website asking for honeymoon experiences and vouchers. If you also had a red carpet Hollywood theme to your wedding and invited guests via Facebook then maybe you're her.

I know you said your maths was wrong but even so, it would be virtually impossible to make a profit on a wedding with 100 guests even if each person gave £100.

We had 100 guests and a community centre reception with budget caterers and loads of family favours called in... I still think it would have come to at least £15,000.

Those 100 guests equated to roughly 20-25 families, we received about £2k in gifts I think which was a lovely surprise because I really wasnt expecting it. In our family, the "head" of each family branch gives gifts and younger generations do not - so when my cousins gets married this summer, my mum and dad will do a card and cash gift from them and their children. The same way my cousins didn't give me a gift but their parents did and it was from them too. It sounds quite rude when put like that but no one thinks it is so everyone is fine with it.

first 100 guests at £100 per COUPLE would give £5K in presents, not 10K.

second, a decent wedding is going to cost a stack more than £5K. If its a sit down meal with wine and a bubbly toast, they will be paying a fair amount, together with all the other costs they pay. They will have wedding dress and costs/bridesmaids/suit hire/accommodation/photographer/flowers/cars etc in addition to the food and drink, but that isn't the guests problem.

but a wedding isn't a profit centre. I am sure the happy couple aren't totting up how much they are "making". So maybe £50 per couple up to £100 per couple or even more is a fair gift.

We are shortly going to a relatives (niece's) wedding and are thinking of a bit more than £100

Although you could say no gifts, I think people actually LIKE to give YOU a gift. That's why you get gifts even when you ask for none.

We went to a wedding recently and gave £50 between us, I was really worried about looking tight but we had to travel several hours to get there and spend 2 nights in a hotel in a very rural location without a lot of cheaper options. It really was all we could afford and I hope the B&G were happy we were there rather than we stayed at home and sent more money.
It was the first wedding where I'd been flat out asked for cash.

A friend attended a wedding were the wedding invite included the reference number for the honeymoon and told people to pay towards it.
A few weeks before the wedding the bride got a copy of the payment list from the travel agent and anyone invited who hadn’t paid towards the honeymoon got a text/phone call to remind them.
Now that is being a massive CF !

I don't mind giving money. Less effort. If couples request a contribution towards a honeymoon I'll generally put £50 in as standard. Travel vouchers are a bit annoying but at least the internet exists.

We didn't want people buying us a loaf of stuff we didn't need. We recommended buying from our wine club if people absolutely wanted to give a gift. Priced from £10+. Still have some very special bottles left.

£25k 😳

Or a load.

I love invites that specify what the b&g prefer (gifts/money/charity donation/nothing). Saves me having to put in the time & effort to find out all because of some unwritten rule that you shouldn't put these things on an invite.

If the b&g prefer money, I usually give £50 if DH & I are attending together.

When DH & I got married we specified no presents, or if you have to, then a donation to X charity would be appreciated. We still got a few gifts. The bottles of wine/gin/whisky were appreciated, some of the other gifts are gathering dust because we have no use for them. Such a waste of money imho.

I received £25k in wedding gifts. We had 70 guests.

average £350 per person, or £700 per couple? Really? Surely you know this is not the norm and you are having a stealth boast.

Or did you miss the full stop and meant £2.5k?**

We added something in the wedding invite to say that we wanted the guests not gifts but if that wanted to give something then money would be lovely. We received about £1k plus some lovely gifts and bottles. The largest we had was I think £200 or £250, but that was from one part of the family (grandparents, aunt and uncle, three adult cousins and spouses plus their children).

We were older, were already living together having owned our own houses and them moving in so we had a full house of items and really didn't need household gifts.

I've never heard the term 'no boxed gifts' before this thread though.

Asking for money is something I'd only ever do if being sponsored to raise funds for some worthy purpose.

In the vast majority of other circumstances - including weddings - it's rude beyond belief.

'No boxed gifts' is also rude. It's hedging; nobody is fooled by it and can see straight past it to it's real meaning (give us money). Why not just say 'no gifts please?'- with no 'buts' or disclaimers at the end?

As far as I was aware it's the done thing to cover your plate.

An incredibly tacky expression and concept. If you’re only inviting someone to your wedding in the expectation that you’ll ‘break even’, you shouldn’t be inviting them. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you’d want them there regardless of any gift. If they have to pay their way, you don’t really want them there.

A couple of our guests bought us there weird online vouchers 🙄 which was totally disappointing as there’s NOTHING we need, want or can fit into our home and we can’t donate it to charity so no doubt it’ll just go to waste now. We’re a childless 25-35 couple earning £100k ... if we wanted it we’ve probably bought it already!

Proof that cash can’t buy class. You sound as common as dirt!

couple of our guests bought us there weird online vouchers 🙄 which was totally disappointing as there’s NOTHING we need, want or can fit into our home and we can’t donate it to charity so no doubt it’ll just go to waste now.

Here's a weird idea. How about using those vouchers for something a school or a charity could use as a raffle prize. Yanno, maybe show you're not totally selfish thinking.