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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend said she can never imagine me in a relationship?

83 replies

AntoniaB21 · 21/06/2019 14:25

I've just got back from having lunch with a friend, known her since secondary school but we go to the same uni so we've kept in touch. Our catchup was going fine, until she asked me if 'I'm still single?', which I am. Normally I would be fine with answering this question, but it was the comments afterwards that upset me a bit. She went on to say that she can never imagine me in a relationship, as I'm just too timid. She also said that the longer I leave it, the more weird it will become that I've never been in a relationship.
I wouldn't normally overthink or be offended by these observations, but every time I see her she comments on it, and if I'm being honest it is getting me down now that nobody seems interested in me (something which her comments are drawing attention to).

For context, I'm currently 21 and at university. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I haven't even been kissed. Don't worry, I realise how odd this is, but I don't think she realises now how much her comments are hurting me (she is in a long-term relationship, has been with her partner for 7 years). I already have low self-confidence in my looks, but I'd say I'm a confident person otherwise - I have no problem talking in a roomful of people etc. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I just know the boys I've liked in the past would never like me back, and I'd be too shy to make a first move anyway.

I didn't reply to her as I was just stunned a bit and carried on eating, ignoring her really. I want to reply next time she brings this up though (which she will). However, I don't know whether to keep up the blase attitude, or be honest and tell her how her comments are making me feel. With that approach, I don't want her to pity me and feel sorry for me. Please can I have some advice, I'd usually ask my own mum but I think she'd just tell me to ignore her and stop worrying!

OP posts:

blackteasplease · 21/06/2019 14:30

You're only 21! There's no "still" about it at 21. You're just at the beginning of life.

Provincialbelle · 21/06/2019 14:41

Your friend is anything but a friend. Be happy in yourself and lead your own path in life

AsleepAllDay · 21/06/2019 14:45

You're only 21! Loads of time. There's always time. She sounds rude

RhodaDendron · 21/06/2019 14:46

You’re not odd at all. 21 is very young.
It’s ok to say to your friend ‘that’s a bit rude. Can we talk about something else?’ Or ‘why would you say something so unkind?’
Hopefully these phrases would help her to check herself, but she sounds terribly insensitive.

mummmy2017 · 21/06/2019 14:46

Friend did the same as you...
Met and married in under a year...
Married 30 years, her soul mate only ever partner....
Your not very different to loads of woman, why would you date for dating sake....

LadyVox · 21/06/2019 14:47

You’re a late bloomer, that’s all.

I had both my first kiss and my first boyfriend at 20, and up until then I had been quite timid around men.

My boyfriend-hopping friend commented around age 19 that I was ‘destined to be a cat lady’ because of this, and at another stage made a similar comment to your friend around the theme of me being in a relationship seeming ‘strange and impossible.’

I’ve just got married to my BF of 6 years, he’s the most glorious man alive and was so worth the wait.

She meanwhile has never stopped boyfriend hopping and recently became single again. I never say a word but when I remember her comment I feel very vindicated.

To sum up- everyone moves at their own pace. Don’t worry about when your time will come and especially don’t worry about your friends opinion.

VforVienetta · 21/06/2019 14:48

Well she's unpleasant isn't she.
I'd distance myself from her if I were you. Quite apart from anything, negative gits like that will tar you by association, which is unattractive in itself.

You're 21, there is nothing wrong with you, some of us are just a little later to the party! me
Things happen in their own sweet time, and being happy and confident in your own skin is what will draw people to you.

Original poster

AntoniaB21 · 21/06/2019 14:51

Yes, I'm normally such a positive and confident person, so it is very strange for me to be over-thinking something like this.

Even without her comments, the majority of my friends have been in at least one relationship, so I definitely feel a bit odd. Everytime we meet up, because she talks about her own boyfriend so much, we inevitably get on to relationships and she will ask me. I don't know whether she gets a kick out of making me feel so uncomfortable, as she is talking from the viewpoint of someone who has been in a relationship for a long time.

OP posts:

BishopofBathandWells · 21/06/2019 15:00

She sounds a bit smug if I'm honest. Actually, you grow and learn an enormous amount about yourself when you're single, IMO - perhaps if she was slightly more mature she wouldn't have made such a dickish comment.

Honestly, OP - I'm 39 and 21 is literally the start of your life. I'd disregard your mate's comment and seriously think about what she's bringing to your life.

Fromage · 21/06/2019 15:01

I had a friend who said something like that a couple of times.

Note my use of 'had.'

I think it boosts her self esteem to be able to sort of boast that she has something you don't - a relationship.

Do you get any pleasure from this friendship? Either back away, speak to her honestly about how you feel (but do NOT expect understanding or an apology - only speak to her if you feel letting it out will help YOU) or find some snappy answers to her comments.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're not odd, you just haven't met a boy good enough for you yet.

MsRinky · 21/06/2019 15:02

Um, I would think a 21 year old who was in a 7 year relationship (!) distinctly more odd than one who hadn't had a relationship yet.

For the record, I am 46 and have ben with my now husband since I was 19, so I understand that a few people meet the right person early. But clinging to an actual childhood relationship still seems more likely to be a failure to grow up rather than true love.

Loopytiles · 21/06/2019 15:03

She was rude, and her situation is way more odd than yours!

I wouldn’t stay friends with her.

FenellaVelour · 21/06/2019 15:06

I had a friend when we were 14 who would make snide comments about her boyfriends and how the boys don’t like me.

I ditched her at 14. I certainly wouldn’t put up with it at 21. Friends don’t behave like that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2019 15:08

You could look at it another way. She is too timid and scared to ever be alone. She has never tried being single. Ever. How weird and worrying.

As someone who was pretty much never single until my 30s, I can tell you that 50% of the time it was fear of being alone.

Bloody good for you.

Original poster

AntoniaB21 · 21/06/2019 15:11

Okay, well I will try and distance myself from her, but it is quite difficult as we have some mutual friends back home as well. But I definitely need to distance as it is getting me down. Yes I realise she might be being smug about it - I've come across another girl like her in first year of uni halls. She had a long term boyfriend and seemed to delight in asking everyone whether they were in relationships, and making comments afterwards.

She must realise that I'm not entirely confident in my appearance and looks, as I am not pretty in any way(I say this completely truthfully). I just can't imagine someone liking me in that way, so I guess I need to work on my self-confidence before any relationship! On an entirely separate note, I had a very creepy driving instructor. Only in hindsight do I realise how inappropriate his comments were - and they got me down as well, and feeling pretty uncomfortable at times. That's definitely dented my confidence when he used to comment on my appearance and weight (I'm not overweight in the slightest, but he used to pick up on if I'd lost/gained weight amongst other comments)

OP posts:

LuckyLou7 · 21/06/2019 15:11

She's not a friend. You're 21, not 51. Far better to be single than be in a relationship with someone you don't love, just to save you from being alone.

Jaggypinecone · 21/06/2019 15:12

All my youthful life I had snide comments about me not having a boyfriend, mainly from the adults in my life rather than friends but it made me think there was something lacking in my life (there wasn't). So I moved in with my boyfriend at 21, married him 3 years later then divorced him 4 years after that. I deeply regret it and the whole being in a relationship is the norm thing made me make bad life decisions.

Do not ever, date to make others feel happy about their life choices. You sound happy in yourself OP so plod your own path. Your friend didn't say a nice thing, and she'll smugly know that.

Next time reply by asking her if she's still in a relationship and smile as you tell her all the wonderful things you do because you're not obliged to anyone.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2019 15:15

I have never met anyone who is it attractive in some way. Some people have more broad appeal but attraction is a funny old thing. Personally I like big beaten up noses and crooked teeth on a man. What's that about? But it's true.

Happy people don't try to make other people feel bad. My suspicion is she's a bit tired of her relationship and trying to feel better by pretending the grass isn't greener.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2019 15:16

Isn't obviously.

LuckyLou7 · 21/06/2019 15:16

Oh and the creepy driving instructor? Report him. I had a creepy driving instructor when I was in my 20's. He told me not to be scared, the only thing I should be scared of was him getting me in the back seat and giving me a good seeing to. That was the end of his career after I reported him.

www.gov.uk/complain-about-a-driving-instructor

PinkGlitter123 · 21/06/2019 15:17

Even if you were 51 and never had a relationship that would be your decision.
Truth be told, she is probably jealous of your freedom and independence.
Some people have to be in a relationship as they can't cope otherwise. They are not the be all and end all.
I had a best friend when I was 16 who was in a deep long-term relationship and she often told me she wished she was still single. In my opinion there is way too much emphasis on being coupled up and that you cant be happy being single. All pathetic. Be you and don't let anyone put you down. There is NOTHING wrong with you xx

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/06/2019 15:18

Tell her that YOU don't NEED to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. That you are perfectly happy to do your own thing and not have to answer to anyone. Say it in a slightly condescending tone.

And she is really not your friend.

cravingmilkshake · 21/06/2019 15:20

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25! I am now 30, 10 months married and our little girl is due is 4 weeks time!!

Nothing odd about it! X

Sceptre86 · 21/06/2019 15:24

Her comments sound a bit mean spirited. My dh is the second boyfriend I ever had, the first turned out to be a toad. We have been married almost 5 years with two little ones and thankfully are very happy with our little life.

You will get there in your own time, dating for the sake of it is daft. Also the we live in the 21st century, nothing wrong with being single and you definitely don't need a partner to validate you! Next time it comes up, tell her to lay off.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2019 15:25

Do you think she did it in a nasty way or was she trying to help you (albeit in a really bad way) ? If you think she was trying to put you down then i would just distance myself from her but if you think otherwise maybe speak to her and tell her how upset she made you feel?

As for you being in a relationship, try not to overthink it, I'm sure you will meet someone perfect for you, you're still only 21!

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