Friend said she can never imagine me in a relationship?

[AntoniaB21]

I've just got back from having lunch with a friend, known her since secondary school but we go to the same uni so we've kept in touch. Our catchup was going fine, until she asked me if 'I'm still single?', which I am. Normally I would be fine with answering this question, but it was the comments afterwards that upset me a bit. She went on to say that she can never imagine me in a relationship, as I'm just too timid. She also said that the longer I leave it, the more weird it will become that I've never been in a relationship.
I wouldn't normally overthink or be offended by these observations, but every time I see her she comments on it, and if I'm being honest it is getting me down now that nobody seems interested in me (something which her comments are drawing attention to).

For context, I'm currently 21 and at university. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I haven't even been kissed. Don't worry, I realise how odd this is, but I don't think she realises now how much her comments are hurting me (she is in a long-term relationship, has been with her partner for 7 years). I already have low self-confidence in my looks, but I'd say I'm a confident person otherwise - I have no problem talking in a roomful of people etc. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I just know the boys I've liked in the past would never like me back, and I'd be too shy to make a first move anyway.

I didn't reply to her as I was just stunned a bit and carried on eating, ignoring her really. I want to reply next time she brings this up though (which she will). However, I don't know whether to keep up the blase attitude, or be honest and tell her how her comments are making me feel. With that approach, I don't want her to pity me and feel sorry for me. Please can I have some advice, I'd usually ask my own mum but I think she'd just tell me to ignore her and stop worrying!

*eight years

I didn't meet my lovely DH until I was 32, OP, and we've now been happily married for 16 years (I'll be 50 soon), with 2 adopted DDs.

I have low self-esteem like you, though in my case it's down to childhood SA, which made me feel like an ugly person on the inside and out. The only times I was told I was attractive as a child was when I was being abused. Or by my DM, who always qualified it by telling me I need to lose weight (this is still an issue on and off).

I had my first boyfriend at 25, so you have plenty of time, OP. Sounds like your friend is a bully and a frenemy, not a friend. You don't need people who bring you down in your life.

I too used to have a friend who put me down to build herself up. Notice the past tense.

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 24 or 25 op so don't worry about that. And I have definitely got more attractive as I've got older - confidence partly, also learning how to take proper care of myself and how to do my hair, makeup and clothes to best effect. I was not an attractive 21 year old and yep, I heard boys - and darling, at you age they are most certainly boys - make comments to that effect. One charmer - someone I thought of as a friend - once came over to me as I danced on a night out, grabbed my upper arm, said 'fat arms' and walked away, the bastard. So I do know how it feels.

I am now married to man who thinks I'm beautiful and whom I love - and fancy - very much. I met him when
I was 29. So what I'm saying I'd, ditch the bitch friend. Travel. See the world. Have a career. Learn to love who you are. And don't ever accept anyone unworthy of you. Friend or partner.

Even if you were 91 it would still have been an incredibly spiteful comment. Learn to bite back by asking why she feels the need to analyse your relationship status. It’s really unkind and actually makes her appear pretty insecure to need to highlight her success vs your lack of a partner.

She’s entirely wrong. Love comes in many shapes and forms. It will come to you. However, you do sound worryingly low on self confidence. How can you work on improving that? Counselling might help or joining a club which encourages you to try new things. I absolutely don’t believe you are as unattractive as you believe yourself to be.

The mirror trick is a great idea. You are her equal and more. Call her up and also avoid her company. She’s a frenemy.

Op, I agree with mrsterry that everyone pretty much has some appeal or attractiveness. And I'm sure many here a bit older will also say how much they wished they'd appreciated their youthful selves.

I went to school with some girls like this. One in particular placed her whole worth and happiness on needing a boyfriend and bounced from one hopeless idiot to the next and is now married to an absolute tool who she'll never leave because she thinks it's more important to be married than have self-respect.

I also pulled away from my ex-school friends. I started to find one in particular pigeon-holed me into a caricature of my school self and would say things like "you've always been like that" and failed to take into account how I'd developed in the intervening years. It got tedious and I didn't feel they liked me for who I am as an adult. So much better off without them!

You're friend's attitude sounds so immature. Some relationships this young can be great, but they don't need to define your future prospects. I also don't agree people will think you're weird for being inexperienced, I've found as people mature the less bothered they are by these things. You may also meet someone who has a similar past to them, they may be relieved not to feel judged themselves.

I hope you can find ways to boost your self esteem. I bet you're prettier than you think, you sound very nice, articulate and thoughtful. Believe me, men do like these things too! I have been with DH since uni - we didn't meet clubbing but through mutual friends and interests. I think if you're keen to meet someone and clubbing isn't for you, being as social as you can is you're best bet. Try and be a bit proactive. It's very, very unlikely someone is going to flirt with you as a joke (anyone over the age of 15 any way).

I used to have very low confidence as well (and that's why I ended up with an abusive man, so, again, no hurry to get a bf just to be normal. Build yourself up first). But you can turn it around and go from having no confidence to valuing yourself and having a strong sense of yourself and knowing that you have the self-efficacy to change your life and attract in to your life what is important to you.
I'm not beautiful, never was, and now I'm 49! but I'm not contractually obliged to be either. I'm not comparing myself to supermodels. I wasn't put on the earth to decorate it. I don't just know this now, I feel it. So it helps me. What you really need OP is very healthy self-esteem and a belief that you're in control of your life.
Beautiful women with shit self-esteems just end up with handsome arseholes who still treat them like shit. They're no better off.

Thank you for all your comments and advice. This has really helped me feel a lot better.

I'm normally a confident person, apart from about my looks, so I will definitely try and work on my self-esteem before anything else. My year of uni is almost over, but when I come back I'll definitely look for a new opportunity or a society that might widen my social circle a bit more.

OP, looks aren't everything, however feeling good about yourself is important.

When you do have time, have a think about what you could do to help you look and feel better about yourself.

A good hair cut or hair treatment.
Clothes that flatter your shape.
Colours that suit you.
Make-up that suits you and that you feel comfortable with.

Don't just look in the mirror and say right that's it there's nothing I can do.

Most women can and benefit from looking after themselves and improving how they appear.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making the best of yourself.

If you know someone older than you whom you admire how they look, perhaps you could ask them for some tips or which direction you should go in.

Honestly, a lot of women only develop their sense of style and what suits them in their 20'and 30's. I was very late thirties!

Best of luck.