Friend said she can never imagine me in a relationship?

[AntoniaB21]

I've just got back from having lunch with a friend, known her since secondary school but we go to the same uni so we've kept in touch. Our catchup was going fine, until she asked me if 'I'm still single?', which I am. Normally I would be fine with answering this question, but it was the comments afterwards that upset me a bit. She went on to say that she can never imagine me in a relationship, as I'm just too timid. She also said that the longer I leave it, the more weird it will become that I've never been in a relationship.
I wouldn't normally overthink or be offended by these observations, but every time I see her she comments on it, and if I'm being honest it is getting me down now that nobody seems interested in me (something which her comments are drawing attention to).

For context, I'm currently 21 and at university. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I haven't even been kissed. Don't worry, I realise how odd this is, but I don't think she realises now how much her comments are hurting me (she is in a long-term relationship, has been with her partner for 7 years). I already have low self-confidence in my looks, but I'd say I'm a confident person otherwise - I have no problem talking in a roomful of people etc. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I just know the boys I've liked in the past would never like me back, and I'd be too shy to make a first move anyway.

I didn't reply to her as I was just stunned a bit and carried on eating, ignoring her really. I want to reply next time she brings this up though (which she will). However, I don't know whether to keep up the blase attitude, or be honest and tell her how her comments are making me feel. With that approach, I don't want her to pity me and feel sorry for me. Please can I have some advice, I'd usually ask my own mum but I think she'd just tell me to ignore her and stop worrying!

LadyVox and cravingmilkshake, your stories have made me feel so much better, so thank you for sharing. :) Hopefully I'll meet someone in the future. Another thing this friend says is that when I get a boyfriend, they will find it odd that I have no experience of relationships as such. In your situation, how did your partners react? I think I'd feel so embarrassed and unsure in that situation.

Thank you for the link LuckyLou, I think I'm too much of a coward to report him though, but I'm so glad that your report worked out. I think he'd know it was me, and I still see him around quite a lot in town (and feel so uncomfortable when I do, he tried to talk at the weekend...) I genuinely don't think he realise how uncomfortable he made me feel.

She's probably projecting a lot of her insecurity onto you. I was a late bloomer too and had a friend who repeatedly would ask me "what's wrong? Why are you scared of a relationship?" Etc and I said I just hadn't met the right person yet. Which I hadn't.

Don't worry about your age - I know plenty of people who had their first kiss / relationship older than you.

And don't be so self-effacing about your attractiveness. You are at uni, so you have a brain at the very least - and I'm sure you have other excellent qualities which will make you attractive to the right person, regardless of the packaging. And there's no way you can know if someone would never have liked you until you try. I made the first move with my DP. To be fair I've made some first moves that haven't gone anywhere, but it's a numbers game - so if you like someone in the future, ask them for a coffee! Or just chill your boots and enjoy being single for a bit. Either is fine, and really none of your friend's business

And I agree with an earlier poster - next time she tries this nonsense ask her calmly "why would you ask me something so unkind?"

Speaking from experience, this type of friend is not a friend! I was very similar to you. First kiss at 19/20. First relationship at 26. Friend who said similar to you ignored the relationship. When it ended and I was upset ignored that. I asked other friends what was going on and they said she ‘just didn’t see me as someone who could be in a relationship’. I ended the friendship. Met my now DH at 28, extremely happily married. You move at your own pace. Unfortunately I like you wasn’t happy with my pace but with the benefit of hindsight everything worked out perfectly. Well relationship wise anyway!!!

Oh and you can point out that her comments are unkind without saying they are hurting or upsetting you. I think that's the key - you want her to stop but I completely understand you why you wouldn't want to show any weakness to someone who is deliberately poking at a sore spot.

So turn the tables on her, point out it's not very nice of her - saying someone "is too timid to be in a relationship" are not the words of a friend. Then just say you don't want to talk about it, you have a lot more interesting things to talk about than your love life, and change the subject. If she tries to bring it back, roll your eyes and say "come on, this again?! I want to talk about travelling / uni / whatever". Think Regina George: "why are you so obsessed with me?!". Or Villanelle in Killing Eve going "BORING!"

And don't open up to her about this subject again, she's not on your side.

Oh and regarding reactions. I think if you are going to sleep with someone who you’ve been dating and who cared about you they won’t be even remotely bothered. I was 26, told him I’d never slept with anyone. He didn’t care. I actually had a lovely first time!! He ran down to the shops afterwards to buy wine crisps and sweets to celebrate

People say all sorts of strange things. I was a bit of a late bloomer too in the romance stakes, and thank goodness for that, because my university years weren't blighted with getting upset over failed relationships.

I remember seeing a counsellor through my GP because I was feeling down due a parent dying just before my Finals. It was an older man and although he was good in other aspects, I remember telling him I was worried I didn't have a boyfriend and he quite seriously telling me that most of the good men were taken by my age. I was 23, and met my DH when I was 28.

I also remember staring at him in utter astonishment. It takes quite a lot to render me speechless but that certainly did!

Honestly, the worst thing of all is to get stuck with some sort of loser in an on-off relationship and waste years on it. Or to waste energy going from one relationship to another.

I think some people do have some very old fashioned ideas about relationships and the need for women to settle down in their early 20s, which are more appropriate for the era in which women didn't really go out to work and maybe health care wasn't so advance and people died young of illnesses which can easily be cured in this and the preceding 2 centuries!

You will get less timid as you get older, but timidity in romance is not necessarily a bad thing - innocence is something once lost which can never be recovered. Don't believe everything people say to you and keep your own counsel and rely on your own judgment.

Yes, I don't really enjoy clubbing. I went out quite a bit in first year because I thought it was the 'done thing' Haven't been out at all this year, so I've only really seen boys on my uni course so its not a surprise that I am not magically in a relationship !

Blimey if she thinks you’re weird she’d think I was worse! (Close to 24 and also in your position).
When my friend and I were living together at university (I was 19 she was 20) she complained once about it being really weird that people of our age had never been in a relationship. I told her about a friend of mine from school who was the same and uni friend said “yeah, that’s one person”. She soon entered a “relationship” (in quotes because they didn’t do much apart from sleep together) that ended badly when he cheated on her and she was devastated. I think she was rather desperate (I know that sounds harsh, and I don’t mean it in a nasty way) as she’d mentioned having crushes on people but they were never reciprocated. It’s far better to wait for a decent guy than just go for the first guy who shows any interest.
In my case, it’s a combination of having ASD and low self-confidence; I’ve never put myself out there, or made much effort with my appearance (I’m not talking about a lack of makeup or anything, just actually taking pride in myself and wearing nice clothes with decent, properly cared-for/brushed hair etc). I’m not particularly worried about never having had one, though. It’ll happen.

Another late bloomer here, didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 23. Got married at 29 to a wonderful man and we’ve been married 29 years.

I wouldn't worry too much about your friend's comments OP. Everybody has their own timeline of when things are meant to happen. You think not being kissed at 21 is odd? I wasn't kissed until I was 30 years old! Met my first boyfriend at 30 years old. Split up one year later due to incompatibility and then met my husband (who I've been with for 8 years).

I had fleeting thoughts in my 20s of whether I was odd. I decided that I just hadn't met anyone worthy of investing my time. I wasn't looking for a casual relationship so I took my time!

I think she is very rude.

And I'd distance myself from her.

You are only 21. I had not kissed anyone at 21. Surely everyone sets their own pace.

You're only 21, really don't stress about this or let it get you down. I'd be more concerned about your friend to be honest if she's the same age as you and has been in one relationship for so long. She'll probably come to the realisation at some stage in the future that she didn't live life to the fullest when she was young and able to. Please make the most of the time you have now, you'll never get it back.

I had one casual relationship in my mid twenties(my first relationship), then a 2 year relationship in my late twenties with someone completely unsuitable (don't do that!). After realising he wasn't the sort of person I wanted to settle down with, we spilt up and I met my now husband in my thirties, now happily married with children.

I'm glad things worked out the way they did for me. I had lots of fun in my twenties and did lots of travelling, most of it solo. Make the most of the time you have now, you have so many opportunities open to you.

It may be a little unusual though I believe it's not as uncommon as some people think but there are plenty of people who don't date until a bit later. (I'm speaking from personal experience, and I ended up happily married. We're coming up on our 18th anniversary!)

In any case, your friend isn't very tactful. She should know better, honestly, but she's either clueless or boosting her ego in a particularly pathetic way. You could try shrugging her off by saying you're not in a hurry you're focusing on your education you're waiting for the right man to come along. (Or you could be more blunt and tell her you'll ask for her advice when you want it but you're not quite that desperate yet !)

I met my first boyfriend age 21 at uni
I’d kissed a few frogs before that’s all ,thou just kissed
We are married 26 years now .
Ignore your stupid friend x

She’s a dick, and it’s not odd at all! You’re 21 which is still so young. You’ve barely had time to get started.

Ignore her - she’s being weird and piling on an unnecessary pressure that doesn’t need to exist in the real world.

Thank you for all of your kind comments. After a moment of feeling awkward and strange, I feel a lot better now and a lot more 'normal', so thank you!

I always think the phrase 'never been kissed' is odd. Why not 'never kissed anyone'? I think it demonstrates how women are supposed to be passively waiting for men to notice them.

I'm currently 21 and at university. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I haven't even been kissed. Don't worry, I realise how odd this is
I just want to say that that's actually not odd at all.
I can imagine how it's built up in your mind though.

Your "friend" sounds horrible. Friends don't put friends down to elevate themselves. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and kind. Ditch the insensitive dick.

You literally have your whole life ahead if you, I know that's a cliche but it's true. I went out with someone from the age of 19-22 and when we broke up I came alive! I realised I'd missed a really fab stage of life trapped in not a very nice relationship and so had the time of my life, went travelling, lived abroad etc. It made me really happy, happy on my own.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that this 'friends' relationship isn't perfect otherwise she wouldn't feel the need to bring you down to make herself feel better.

What I'm trying to say, very inarticulately is that life isn't all about getting into a relationship, when it happens it happens. The world is your oyster! And ditch the mate, believe me, I had one like her. She is not a friend.

You are 21, not 41! And even if you were 41 she has no right to make you feel bad !! I wonder if she's being a bit over smug about her 7 year relationship ..

This says more about where she places importance that what it says about you. One thing to mention it’s once but every time

21 is no age to be worrying about things like this ,it all seems to even out in the end I had one friend who had never been in a relationship at 33 ,( she had,had the odd fling and wasent a virgin ) met her dh at 33 got pregnant very quickly and by 36 was married with two daughters, another friend went from one long term relationship to another with barely any break in between I have known her about 30 years and has only been single for about 12 months of that time ,but she met her now partner at 31 and has two children, I had a relationship between 17 and 19,and then was single for all of my 20,s bar the odd fling and short term relationship and met dh. at 31 as I said it seems to even out eventually.