Friend said she can never imagine me in a relationship?

[AntoniaB21]

I've just got back from having lunch with a friend, known her since secondary school but we go to the same uni so we've kept in touch. Our catchup was going fine, until she asked me if 'I'm still single?', which I am. Normally I would be fine with answering this question, but it was the comments afterwards that upset me a bit. She went on to say that she can never imagine me in a relationship, as I'm just too timid. She also said that the longer I leave it, the more weird it will become that I've never been in a relationship.
I wouldn't normally overthink or be offended by these observations, but every time I see her she comments on it, and if I'm being honest it is getting me down now that nobody seems interested in me (something which her comments are drawing attention to).

For context, I'm currently 21 and at university. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I haven't even been kissed. Don't worry, I realise how odd this is, but I don't think she realises now how much her comments are hurting me (she is in a long-term relationship, has been with her partner for 7 years). I already have low self-confidence in my looks, but I'd say I'm a confident person otherwise - I have no problem talking in a roomful of people etc. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I just know the boys I've liked in the past would never like me back, and I'd be too shy to make a first move anyway.

I didn't reply to her as I was just stunned a bit and carried on eating, ignoring her really. I want to reply next time she brings this up though (which she will). However, I don't know whether to keep up the blase attitude, or be honest and tell her how her comments are making me feel. With that approach, I don't want her to pity me and feel sorry for me. Please can I have some advice, I'd usually ask my own mum but I think she'd just tell me to ignore her and stop worrying!

Well she's nice isn't she?

I know several women of my age who met their first boyfriends at university/soon after and are still with them (I'm 48). So I would just ignore your friend and keep on with your life.

The good thing about not meeting anyone yet is you can forge ahead with your study and start your career, putting yourself first and not having to compromise about where you live etc.

You can get sorted then find someone.

Um, I would think a 21 year old who was in a 7 year relationship (!) distinctly more odd than one who hadn't had a relationship yet.

This. This was what I was thinking when I read your post. And also that sometimes people comment negatively in this way on something that's so at odds with their choice because they're actually unhappy in their own situation and are trying to mask it by rationalising that your situation must be sooo much worse.

Have neither your friend nor her partner changed in those 7 years between 14 (!!) and 21! I outgrew my first serious boyfriend between the ages of 18 and 21 we had both changed so much!

And the person who you will eventually end up with will be so much more interested in you than your "prettiness" would you date someone who looked like Brad Pitt (or whoever floats your boat) but had the intellect and interests of a brick? Once you venture out into the world of work and socialise with other likeminded people you will start to associate more with adults who appreciate the things that matter more than whether you can highlight correctly and use a great filter!

As for no "experience" in a relationship- "oh no, I've never had a proper relationship, up until now I've always been too busy really"

Dear god, a 7 year relationship by 21

I hope you don't mind me posting this OP and I'll admit that it's heavily coloured by my own experience.

I didn't kiss anyone until I was 26 and I'm now much older and still single. When I was your age, it did worry me, but I assumed it would all just happen.

Now I really wish I had been more proactive. I wouldn't have necessarily wanted an engagement ring, but just some experience of even talking to men would have been an improvement . People recommend clubs to me and my toes curl but definitely say yes to all the invitations and opportunities you get.

There are lots of people still virgins and not in relationships at 21. And I am willing to bet that you are attractive. You sound lovely and you're at uni, you have so much going for you. Do what you want to do and have fun and I really hope you meet someone soon

Thank you for all your replies, and thank you squintylampshade for yours as well. I know what you mean, everyone says mr right is just around the corner, or when you stop looking you’ll find the one. Yes I just assume it will happen for me, but my ‘friend’ made me second guess and made me feel a bit anxious and overthink it all! I hope it happens for me, but you can’t pin all your hopes and dreams on one thing.
Out of interest, did you go to an all girls school? Sometimes I think that makes me feel a lot less confident around boys as I was hardly around them from 11-18! I mean, I can talk to them but I’d have no idea how to recognise flirting/how to flirt. Bit clueless!

All girls' convent school to boot! 99% of the girls I went to school with managed to find relationships so I'm not sure how I ended up quite so clueless.

I look back on my twenties now and wish I would have done some things I said no to. Don't do anything that makes you really uncomfortable or sounds horrific, but I so wish I'd been pushed out my comfort zone a little.

I wondered if you had. Like you, quite a lot of the girls from my school have had no problem with relationships.
Yes I think I need to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit - I keep on thinking I will meet someone at the next stage of my life if you see what I mean. When I was at school, I was like ‘well I won’t find a boyfriend here, I’ll wait until uni...’ so far, nothing has happened. So now I’m thinking, when I start work, maybe I’ll find a boyfriend!

I also went to an all-girls’ school, but plenty of my peers had boyfriends etc. I found it difficult enough to make friends let alone start a relationship!! I also wouldn’t know how to flirt.
I also had that with my friend, when she said it was unusual to have never been in a relationship at our age I originally said “oh I’m sure it’s not that unusual” but then I started to second-guess. I do that less now, but I still have occasional moments (especially since I’m now four years older and my situation hasn’t changed).

I'm another one who thinks a 21YO in a 7 year relationship is - dare I say it - a little bit pathetic.

She is the timid one, not you. You're living your life. She's tethered to someone from her childhood.

I think it is definitely worth using some of the suggestions on here to shut her down when she tediously brings it back up again. It will make you feel better about yourself, and hopefully put an end to the comments.

I think you need to give some consideration as to why she is even saying these things. They're not the words of a friend, and they're not the words of a person who's sure of herself.

She's trying to make you feel lacking - when really she's the one who's lacking. But I bet you'd never dream of making her feel bad about her situation, right?

I'd be politely closing her down, and also stepping away.

Oh, and when you meet someone you like and mutually click with, it really, really won't matter what your previous experience is (or isn't). Trust me.

She's being ridiculous! You're only 21, it's not like you're 41 and she's watching you panic and withdraw away from potential connections and relationships over the course over several decades.

She fancies herself as a psychologist.

Toffee1000, sounds like we both have a bad friend who questions us! It is a horrible feeling isn’t it, that a question can just wrong foot you and make you second guess things.
Her relationship is very serious. They are living together and talking about marriage so she is very much in a different life place to me. I don’t know whether she thinks I’m weird because of that fact (being at such different stages.) I would never want to make anyone feel bad about any aspect of their lives, so no, I would never question her about her relationship. After all, it’s a personal thing. I was thinking just now though, she called me timid, but I’ve met her boyfriend many times, and he can’t even say hello to me! So I don’t know why she’s focusing on the idea that I’m ‘timid’.
LoeweMulberry, she fancies herself as a psychologist because she’s studying that at uni 😂 maybe that’s why she’s analysing me !

I don’t think my friend was being particularly mean about me, I think she was frustrated with her situation, and how she felt, and was voicing that. She hasn’t really had a relationship since. We don’t meet up very often since we graduated but she never mentions anything about men/relationships. She knows about my confidence issues and my ASD.
Perhaps she does find the fact that you’re at different stages of life rather weird; maybe, as other PPs have suggested, she feels a little anxious about it and is projecting those anxieties onto you.

OP, first off, you sound so lovely.

You are 21.
When I was your age, girls in relationships were not the norm.
Girls with 7 year boyfriend!!!! Actually never came across that, would have thought it very strange.

Being comfortable in who you are is so attractive.
The older you get, the more you will realise that.

She is NOT your friend.

I appreciate you can't ditch her.
But tell her anything private ever again.

Do not be alone with her for lunch etc.

Slowly distance yourself but be blazé with her.
If she brings your relationship, give a bright smile and say how happy you are and turn the conversation on to her relationship and then move on as quickly as you can.

Practice in the mirror a few different responses, this really works.

Like many others I was a very late bloomer, even for 30 years ago!
I met my quiet dh and never looked back.

Join lots of clubs. Walking, hiking, running, cycling, tennis are all very social. Meeting people in different settings is key.

This is the time in your life to focus on your career and to determine what you want from life and in a partner.
Developing your standards and boundaries.

Someone as thoughtful and insightful as you will definitely be snapped up if that's what you'd like.

Until then, enjoy every minute of being single.

Thank you for that advice billy, that’s really helpful (and thank you for saying I sound lovely ☺️) I will definitely have to see her again when we are back home so I’ll practise my responses before then so I can sound more assured.

I think your friend is a bit jealous of you for some reason (without knowing you both I'd have no idea what but it could be anything - looks, intelligence, career success, friends, reputation, money etc)

Maybe find a new friend.

Ah, so she is a psychology student! Interesting. Has she decided that you have an avoidant attachment style? Dismissive or Avoidant?

Even if she's read the list of different styles and has played attachment style bingo looking around at her single friends, there is no way she could know how insecure/secure you FEEL in a new relationship. If you have shied away from fledgeling potential connections before they get out of the trap, she has no way of knowing whether or not you withdrew out of anxiety or fear of intimacy or ........just cos it wasn't a connection you wanted to have!

At 21 though, you're far too young for her to have made any speculation never mind conclusion.

But I don't agree with the posts saying ''she's not your friend''.

This is a failing, her flaw. She thinks she can diagnose her friends. She is pathologising singledom which says more about her than you.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't value your friendship though!! It doesn't mean that she doesn't see your good points and enjoy your company!

Let her have a few quirks. Armchair psychologist is not the worst trait in the world.

I have a friend since school who has never had a relationhsip (that I know of) and I wouldn't feel equipped to speculate on why. I know her well and her dad was an alcoholic growing up but I don't know how that left her feeling wrt letting people see the real her. She is very good at friendship.

I know she’s not a bad friend totally, but it’s almost like she brings it up to make me feel bad. And I don’t want to meet up with her that much if she says it all the time, as it just dents my confidence and makes me feel a bit useless.
I don’t know what label she has assigned me, I dread to think! Now I’m thinking she’s going to be analysing my every word 😂

Yeh that's not good!
If she is 'stepping on your gown to adjust her crown'.

If she starts on at you again, play the armchair psychologist right back at her... ask her if she is trying to manipulate you in to think there's something wrong with being single so that you'll settle down. Ask her if she feels she's lost freedom by being in a commited relationship so young?
Ask her if she fears she's on a freewheeling course of action that is heading towards marriage and cannot be derailed.
Ask her if she is afraid she will doubt her decision. Ask her if she is afraid she will be envious of you living your 20s with freedom and opportunity. Ask her if she is afraid she has settled?

Mirror back to her the slow calm voice.

Tell her if her relationship breaks down, you will be there for her.

That should get her thinking about her own life. And prevent her from using you as a tool to silence her doubts.

I have a friend approaching her mid 30s who has never had a relationship and is still a virgin. She’s pretty unhappy and bitter as ALL her friends are married now.

But you are only 21 OP, you have years and years ahead, I wouldn’t worry.

So rude! I can remember being young and feeling like an old bag lady who had never had sex or had a relationship. In reality you are so young with your whole life ahead of you. Without a relationship you are also free to make your life decisions completely on your own. Enjoy it! Travel, get a job you want (if you can). Make some life decisions based on your wants and don't worry about being single. Good luck.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a cow, tbh. She's making herself feel better at your expense. Why the hell would anyone want to 'settle down' at 21? I think her situation sounds awful!

You're 21. There's no hurry - it's not a race or a competition. You sound like a lovely person. I'm sure Mr Right will pop up when you least expect it.

Why do you have such a low opinion of your appearance? You can change that it you want to. Have you spoken to any (supportive) friends about that you can talk to? I'm sure they would love to help you. Although, in my experience, attraction is very little to do with how you look. It's about who you are.

OP I was just like you. Went through school, college and uni watching all my friends in and out of relationships. I never had a boyfriend or any flings of any sort! Maybe had a drunken snog or two over the years but that was it. I was confident and sociable but honestly had resigned myself to never having a relationship - seems bizarre to me now but it was a self confidence thing because I was always overweight ( not massively so but I was always the big one out of my friends). I had crushes but would never in a million years have tried to make a move on any of the boys I liked as I knew they wouldn't be interested.

I def had friends who pitied me or thought I was a bit sad for not experiencing that side of things and if I'm completely honest I thought I was a bit sad too - but didn't know how to be any different.

When I was 22 I met my first boyfriend through a part time job - I worked with his sister. I had lost a bit of weight, and found that I was flirting with him on a night out with lots of people - when he asked me out I said yes. I remember being so nervous on our first date as I thought he'd think I was a freak for never having kissed anyone properly let alone sex! I found I couldn't really hide the fact I was so inexperienced - but it truly didn't matter to him. I was very lucky because I never ended up dating anyone else. I've been with that first boyfriend who I met at 22 for almost 13 years - married for 6 and with a 3 year old dc.

So trust me I know - it will absolutely happen for you - you may have to be brave as it can be scary going for that first date - but be open to it because you sound lovely and there will be someone lovely out there for you.

As for your 'friend' - it took me until my 30s to realise that just because you've known people for a long time doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life if they make you feel sad or bad about yourself. You should feel lifted and in a better mood after meeting up with a friend. There are so many fantastic people about - don't waste your time with this frenemy - you deserve better!

Agree with those who say she’s not a friend.

I have a colleague who never had a boyfriend, until the age of 40 when she got married and had her daughter within a year. 15 years later, she’s still blissfully happy.

Obviously I’m not saying you’ll be 40 when you meet someone! But it can happen at any age, and it doesn’t make you weird. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 20

Since about the start of secondary school I’ve had such a low opinion of myself...I used to be very pretty up until about 7 or 8. So I’ve always felt ugly since the start of secondary school. My hair changed texture overnight and looks awful, and my face is just ugly! It seemed to be confirmed by that driving instructor who kept on making comments about me as well, and at uni when I heard a boy talking about me (he didn’t realise I was awake and could hear everything through the very thin walls!) That just was the final nail in the coffin - can’t imagine anyone fancying me, think I’d be a bit cynical and think it was a joke.
No, I don’t think I’ve spoken and said to my friends how bad I feel in my appearance. I’ve always just been the ugly one in the group, all my friends are stunning.

Similar was said to be about 10 years ago (I was 34). I’d only had a handful of dalliances due to absolutely hating myself (my skin was terrible at the time). Was pretty much always single.

My boss and friend would rib me occasionally about it but one day she said completely seriously ‘what sort of man do you actually like? In all the time that I’ve known you you’ve never had a boyfriend, so I’m just wondering?’ For some reason that comment just devastated me. I honestly don’t know why.

I remember rambling something and disappearing. Well something just clicked in me and I decided to make a conscious decision to get out there and date, bad skin or not. Within three years of that conversation I was with a man and pregnant with my first child. We’ve now being together about either years and have two kids. Very, very happy (my skin is now clear 🤭). My friend can’t get over it, every time I see her (infrequently) she shakes her head and looks completely shocked I’m actually in a long term relationship with kids. Even writes it on Christmas cards 🤣

I will bet you OP your ‘friend’ has really enjoyed pigeon holing you in this way. I also suspect when this changes, and it will, she won’t like it at all and will probably find a different way to chip at your self esteem. If she were a true friend she’d be trying to build you up, not tear you down.