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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset at friend charging us to visit?

356 replies

snoozy2straws · 21/06/2019 00:35

Old friend and Godmother to my DD, we arranged in Jan to visit her and her hubby who live in Southern Italy with our 2 DCs. We are staying for 5 nights. We spoke today to make final arrangements and she has asked us to pay her £800 plus food for the stay. I’m shocked and deeply upset as it seems so callous and commercial, not the visit to friends we had expected, besides which we really cant afford it. I would have been happy to pay £100 p/head plus food but this seems a lot. I feel like not going but what would I tell DD she is so excited. We are staying in their house so not even an annex or separate apartment! I should have got this clear at the outset but I did not expect this 5 days before we go!
What would you do? AIBU? Is this a fair deal for a summer holiday in the sun with the use of a pool but in their house with them?

OP posts:
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Turner69 · 21/06/2019 07:57

You've been invited to visit your old friend for a few days and she's now trying to charge you £800 plus food costs for the privilege?! I'm amazed at some people.

I really don't see what difference it being in Italy makes. How is it any different to if I invited a friend to travel 50 miles down the road to stay at my house in the UK for a few days? There's no difference in expenses for the host in either situation.
In fact the only difference is that you've paid for flights!
I think I'd be pretty tempted to not go tbh. Definitely wouldn't pay her £800!!

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rookiemere · 21/06/2019 07:58

Read the thread. OP has been corresponding with F since January she knew what the plans were.

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rookiemere · 21/06/2019 07:58

Sorry that was for Nink

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TatianaLarina · 21/06/2019 08:01

There’s zero evidence that OP invited herself or that her friend doesn’t want people to visit, or even that she has many people visiting her. She’s simply trying to make money out of the OP, is all imo.

If she had wanted the OP to stay only for a night or two she could have said that from the off. If she’d wanted to charge her that should have been said upfront.

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User2638394 · 21/06/2019 08:03

She is being ridiculous and I can’t believe some people are defending her on this thread!

Tell her you will split the cost of the food actually bought while you’re there. I don’t even think you could eat £800 of food between the 4 of you in 5 days if you tried.

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ThePerturbedPenguin · 21/06/2019 08:03

What a chancer!

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Ninkaninus · 21/06/2019 08:04

rookie I have read the thread, thanks.

Nowhere does OP say that she had actually asked the friend what she had meant by the invitation before she made her plans. Maybe she did, bit we don’t know.

If i said to someone ‘you must come and visit sometime’ I wouldn’t necessarily mean ‘you must plan to come and actually stay at my house for the whole of your holiday. And I certainly wouldn’t assume that that’s what anyone else meant either.

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EssentialHummus · 21/06/2019 08:04

I think friend is getting cold feet / suddenly feeling exploited, hence the timing and request.

I would avoid staying with her at all costs tbh. Find somewhere cheaper nearby, arrange to see her while you're there. Or are the flights refundable?

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Daddylonglegs1965 · 21/06/2019 08:05

When single I have stayed with friends and they have stayed with me more to spend time together and catch up. No money ever changed hands but on the last night the visitor treated the host to a meal out or takeaway nothing grand just a token of appreciation. But now as family of four which includes teenagers I wouldn’t dream of landing my whole family on anyone’s door step. DS and DH would eat them out of house and home. But I have a work colleague with kids similar ages whom i’m sure just invites herself and family to friends houses to break the journey to X for a couple of days or for a cheap 5 to 7 night holiday. If I were her friends I would get sick. When she mentions it loosely she says or we could just stay with X and Y or we’ll prob stay at A and B’s like she hasn’t even asked or been invited. Having said that £800 is clearly to deter to you.

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Ninkaninus · 21/06/2019 08:06

On the other hand yes, friend could be an absolutely entitled CF. I’d certainly never charge anyone holiday prices to stay with me! OP is going to have to make that judgement given that she’s the only one who actually knows the situation and the friend, and if indeed she determines that friend is a CF and is trying to make money off her then well, it’s not a friendship really is it, and she’ll know what to do!

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TatianaLarina · 21/06/2019 08:07

Nink

Ridiculous post. If you invite someone to stay it’s on you to discuss the terms and agree them at the time of the invite.

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Shesontome · 21/06/2019 08:07

If she has invited you she is being very unreasonable. I agree you should try to find an air b&B or cheap hotel nearby and let her know you will call in/meet her for dinner while you are there.

Even for a commercial deal 5 nights for an off-peak house share in Italy seems a lot. I just had a quick look on Booking.com. You could rent a small villa with pool near Sorrento next week for that.

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TatianaLarina · 21/06/2019 08:08

Referring to the 8.04 post.

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Guavaf1sh · 21/06/2019 08:08

Well you can’t really stay there now without it being weirdly awkward

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Ninkaninus · 21/06/2019 08:09

Plenty of people say things like ‘you must come and visit’, ‘we must catch up again’, ‘let’s do dinner sometime’, ‘my door’s always open’, ‘anything you need, let me know’ all the time without actually meaning it! Much of the time it’s just a vague pleasantry.

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User2638394 · 21/06/2019 08:11

Nowhere does OP say that she had actually asked the friend what she had meant by the invitation before she made her plans. Maybe she did, bit we don’t know.

So just to clarify, you think the normal rules of human interaction mean that when someone says
‘Please come and visit us some day’ and you say ‘lovely, how about 20 - 26 August?’ And they say ‘yes that sounds great’, the invitee then has to add ‘can I just check, do you really want us to come and visit or is this all a resentful charade on your part because you were just being polite and don’t want us to stay at all?’

If i said to someone ‘you must come and visit sometime’ I wouldn’t necessarily mean ‘you must plan to come and actually stay at my house for the whole of your holiday. And I certainly wouldn’t assume that that’s what anyone else meant either.

But would you go along with their plans and then suddenly spring an extortionate charge on them a few days before with no prior notice? Do you think that’s a reasonable way to behave? Because if so, you’re rude and cheeky and a bit of a twat.

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redcarbluecar · 21/06/2019 08:12

I doubt that OP has booked her flights on the basis of a vague pleasantry. It sounds as though there’s been plenty of correspondence about the visit, and therefore plenty of time for friend to say it’s not convenient or, alternatively, be clear about the expected cost.

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EssentialHummus · 21/06/2019 08:12

Plenty of people say things like ‘you must come and visit’, ‘we must catch up again’, ‘let’s do dinner sometime’, ‘my door’s always open’, ‘anything you need, let me know’ all the time without actually meaning it! Much of the time it’s just a vague pleasantry.

I agree - but then, even if OP misread it, why didn't the friend (back in January when this came up) make her excuses?

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TatianaLarina · 21/06/2019 08:13

Much of the time it’s just a vague pleasantry.

If you turn it into a visit it’s no longer vague. If you don’t want someone to stay you say you’re busy. If you organise them to stay for 5 days, you don’t set the terms 5 days before.

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calpop · 21/06/2019 08:13

yes but if that was the case, the time to have said that or put OP off was in January, not days before she's due to fly. That's really shitty.

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BlueSkiesLies · 21/06/2019 08:14

Plenty of people say things like ‘you must come and visit’, ‘we must catch up again’, ‘let’s do dinner sometime’, ‘my door’s always open’, ‘anything you need, let me know’ all the time without actually meaning it! Much of the time it’s just a vague pleasantry

Then they are stupid fuckers. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. And don’t go along with plans until 5 days before something that was arranged 6 months ago.

This is why other countries find many English people so infuriating.

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redcarbluecar · 21/06/2019 08:14

Also it’s only 5 days, which seems a reasonable length of time to be a guest in someone’s home if you’ve travelled a long way. It’s not as if op and her family are trying to move I to friend’s home for the whole summer.

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Ninkaninus · 21/06/2019 08:15

I did say that CF was thoughtless (and I guess I should have qualified that with highly unreasonable for those who are hard of thinking) to spring the charge on OP at this late stage.

OP of course you’re not unreasonable to be upset.

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Turner69 · 21/06/2019 08:15

The only reason I can think for your friend to suggest this at this stage is that she's now wishing she hadn't agreed for you to stay for so long and is trying to put you off coming.
It's probably not the best way to handle that though!

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dayswithaY · 21/06/2019 08:15

This is win win for her. She knows you will either cancel (which it sounds like she is hoping you will do) or she gets a ton of cash - easy money. There is no way I would still go after this.

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