To think ‘I could have married you?’

[User2638394]

I am incredibly happy with my husband, who is a gorgeous, clever, funny, kind, decent man. I truly love and adore him and would / could never be unfaithful. I choose him every day.

But sometimes I meet men (usually through work) and get on with them in a way that makes me think ‘if things had been different, I could have happily married you.’ I’m not in love with them and don’t want anything from them, but I have this feeling that in another life, I could have been happy with them. It’s happened perhaps 2 or 3 times in my life.

Does anyone else feel this way? That you sometimes just have a piercing awareness of how different your life might have been and how under different circumstances you could have loved someone else?

No. Never felt like this - ever.

No, but I do look at my husband most days and wonder quietly to myself "why on earth did I marry you?" ... pretty certain he feels the same.

I guess I should probably call a solicitor or something soon😒

I’ve never had it happen, but it doesn’t surprise me. I don’t believe there is just one person out there for everyone. You don’t have to be uncommitted to your relationship to recognize a person you have much in common with.

No, I've only ever felt that about DH.

But I think it's perfectly normal to consider the the "what if's".

I'm with talkgreenbottle

You don’t have to be uncommitted to your relationship to recognize a person you have much in common with.

This is exactly it. I am so well suited to my husband and I love him so much. But sometimes I meet people and know that if it hadn’t been my husband, it could have been someone else.

I also think there’s actually something romantic about your bond with your husband being something you actively choose and nurture!

Maybe but I’m sure it’s an illusion - you don’t know what kind of partner or parent those men would make and everyone is their best self outside the home. You’re talking about a notion of being compatible in a superficial way that isn’t mired in any of the petty but draining realities of life.

Maybe they have disgusting toilet habits or a toxic mother they indulge.

Piercing awareness - hormones leading you up the garden path I expect or having a slightly dull time so daydreaming.

I’m sure it is an illusion - I definitely don’t know these men well enough to be confident we could actually be married.

The piercing awareness isn’t specifically in relation to the individual - it’s more of a strong general sense that while I am committed to my husband, it’s because of my choices rather than any cosmic sense of destiny / fate / soulmates, and that I could also have been happy with someone else.

That sounds more like your personal faith, that there are no true individuals than anything else, and that you’re confident. I’ve several friends online dating after divorce, I’m not so sure there are lots of other perfectly suited candidates out there!

Why does it matter op?

I think this is completely normal to wonder in fleeting thoughts how life- in many ways rather than just with a partner- might have been different. Am lucky to be in a very happy relationship with DP also. Never have thoughts, and never would dream of changing my life with my partner- which is what the main thing is here I think.

Yes I understand this. I think wanting to marry someone I was with before DH (he didn't want to marry me tho), means I know you can have that connection with more than one person in the world. Obviously it works best though when they feel the same as you!

I think it’s just normal, I’ve been married twice so all too aware that there’s more than one ideal partner out there for everyone. I’m still best friends with ex DH and totally head over heels in love with my DH.

God no. I look at OH and think "what if I hadn't met you" and I go cold at the thought.

Yes, twice. With the first guy, a few years later after I'd long moved away I saw on facebook that he'd become a crazy militant vegan, basically chasing people down the street to feel the fur on their hoods to check its real and filming it for Facebook then trespassing on farms to torment the owners.

Second one turned into a dickhead, is a moany wimpy brat whose shagging the office bimbo.

Both I clicked with so well originally and had that feeling of 'if things had been different' (know exactly the feeling you mean). Meanwhile the person I actually did marry has been unfalteringly perfect and I love them more with every passing day. No chance of random vegan shit or sudden dick behaviour. They are so right for me and I thank my lucky stars I married them before meeting those other guys... we'd have been divorced in seconds!

What you experience is quite normal. It means nothing so don't worry about it.

Why does it matter op?

I’m just interested ☺️

God no. I look at OH and think "what if I hadn't met you" and I go cold at the thought.

I feel this very strongly too! I don’t necessarily find them contradictory thoughts.

What you experience is quite normal. It means nothing so don't worry about it.

It doesn’t worry me, I’m just interested as to whether others feel the same .

Tim Minchin gets you

Can’t say I’ve ever thought this- but I do wonder if exes happen across me on Facebook now I have twins and think “thank god, that could have been me” 😂

Both I clicked with so well originally and had that feeling of 'if things had been different' (know exactly the feeling you mean). Meanwhile the person I actually did marry has been unfalteringly perfect and I love them more with every passing day. No chance of random vegan shit or sudden dick behaviour. They are so right for me and I thank my lucky stars I married them before meeting those other guys... we'd have been divorced in seconds!

This is lovely! I absolutely understand what you mean. My husband vindicates my choice in him every day because he is such an absolute dream.

Yes, I absolutely know what you mean! I love my DH but I have met three other people over the course of my life that if I had met them first I think I would probably be married to them. Not because I prefer them to DH, or would rather have married them, but realistically if I hadn’t met DH I very much doubt I wouldn’t have married someone

I often think that if I hadn't married dh I would have love to have married Greg Davies.

‘I could have married you?’

^^

I think it'd be different if you thought : ‘I could have married you instead?’

But you don't, so don't worry about it!

The thing is OP that if you were to find yourself single then you probably wouldn't be even slightly attracted to any of these men.

When you have a lovely partner then there seems to be a queue of guys you could have gone out with, but trust me the minute you're single you can't find 1 😂

A bit like when you're window shopping there's loads of things you want to buy, but when you actually need to buy something nice you can't find a thing you like.

Na, whatever about himself, I couldn't begin to think of a life without my kids.

These threads with the buttons are so weird - are the OPs working for MNHQ and testing the buttons? If so, you are not asking the right questions. This is a Yes/No question, like the others with the buttons have been, not YABU/YANBU.