To think ‘I could have married you?’

[User2638394]

I am incredibly happy with my husband, who is a gorgeous, clever, funny, kind, decent man. I truly love and adore him and would / could never be unfaithful. I choose him every day.

But sometimes I meet men (usually through work) and get on with them in a way that makes me think ‘if things had been different, I could have happily married you.’ I’m not in love with them and don’t want anything from them, but I have this feeling that in another life, I could have been happy with them. It’s happened perhaps 2 or 3 times in my life.

Does anyone else feel this way? That you sometimes just have a piercing awareness of how different your life might have been and how under different circumstances you could have loved someone else?

Ha! They'd have to want to marry you, too, love. And probably they don't.

Very egomaniac way of seeing the world. You might not even register with these 'potential suitors'

Love that Tim Minchin video.

I'm with Tim. The theory of fate is inherently flawed.

No I can’t imagine anyone else being my husband.

The thing is OP that if you were to find yourself single then you probably wouldn't be even slightly attracted to any of these men.

Gosh, I don't think this is true. I think, along with lots of other pp, that it's perfectly possible to be very happy with a longterm partner or husband, and to recognise that there are other people in the world you could possibly have been equally, though differently, happy with -- that's just realism. And statistically, sometimes you meet one of those people.

I have been extremely happy with my husband for 28 years, but have during that time met, at different points, two men I could have envisaged being in a happy longterm relationship with, too. I knew them both well, so it wasn't a matter of illusion from a distance. I think that based on their characters and outlook on life that we could easily have worked very well together, and I know that in one of the two, he felt the same way about me, though we never talked about it. He's also happily married. We remain in touch, but now live in different countries.

I didn't angst over it, and it wasn't a symptom of anything wrong with my marriage or unhappiness -- just a factual recognition of different choices I might have made. I certainly don't believe in The One.

Never felt that.
I've seen qualities and traits in other men, that I wish my DH had, but never to the extent of seeing myself married to them.

Yes I often think this. Probably says a lot about my relationship!

Definitely OP. Not the same scenario but I do have the one that got away as it were. When the fates could have aligned for us, they didn't and we were in very different places in our lives. Over the years we've both pondered what would have happened if things had been different at that moment in time, despite both being very happy with our respective spouses and children. We never got to the love stage so our relationship slipped to a long lasting friendship incredibly easily.

I believe if things had been different at that moment in time we would have been together and probably married and had children. However clearly the universe had different plans for us and we are both incredibly happy so everything works out in the end!

The whole idea of "the one" is ridiculous.

Yes I think that about Will Smith, Jason Momoa and Chris Hemsworth 😂

In all seriousness though it's true that your spouse isn't the only person you could have made it work with. But he's the only person you chose. That's the best marriage advice I received: That you need to make that choice over and over again, everyday, in order to have a successful marriage. And you shouldn't let your mind go there on the alternatives...As that's how affairs begin. Once you visualise something in your mind and dwell on it, you give it room to grow and become easily actionable.

I'd say it's normal to wonder the "what if" I often wonder what my life would be if I didn't meet my husband. We met at 16, and I wasn't even meant to be in the place that we met (uninvited guest at a party 🤣) I had fake ID, got drunk, and he stole my number out my phone.

If I didn't go to the party, I wonder what route my life would have taken! I wouldn't have my wonderful husband and gorgeous girls.

Tim Minchin!
He's just so clever it aches.
Love that video. The bell curve bit...

I have thought this too, and I think it's astonishing anyone doesn't. I mean, I - like most people - married someone that essentially coincidence of life brought me into close proximity to (we met at university and then got together several years later). Of the about 100-200 people I knew well enough to chat to at university, what are the odds that one of them just happened to be the single most perfect fit in the world for me? Clearly there was an element of chance and coincidence that makes any notion of 'only one right person' daft. If DH or I had missed our grades I don't think we'd both be alone and pining for the person we never met right now.

That said, it would be hard/maybe impossible for anyone to 'beat' him now, because we've now spent years building a life together. He's the man who held me while I sobbed uncontrollably in my worst bout of depression and told me he loved me anyway, he's DS's father, he's the man who held my hand while I gave birth, the man who gave a speech so ridiculous when he proposed that we both ended up in fits of giggles. Now he's irreplaceable (and I, I hope, am to him) because no one else could have that shared history. But that doesn't mean that had things turned out differently right from the start - if he'd missed his grades, or just if I'd had a cold that night in a pub that we both got a bit drunk and admitted we fancied each other - that we couldn't both be just as happy with someone else right now.

These threads with the buttons are so weird - are the OPs working for MNHQ and testing the buttons? If so, you are not asking the right questions. This is a Yes/No question, like the others with the buttons have been, not YABU/YANBU.

I definitely don’t work for MNHQ! I just saw I had the option for the first time and was curious so I used it. I agree they don’t suit all threads.

Your DH sounds like a great guy. It's a great fortune in life to be able to share our path with someone remarkably caring and understanding. I also think it's uncommon. I have this feeling that when we're totally happy in a marriage, our attraction for others is heightened because we're in a positive place where everything is beautiful: Our partners, our children, nature and the world around us, other people are beautiful. You see the world in a beautiful light and you value the beauty in others, including other men.

This is such a lovely and generous way of looking at it. I’m so sorry you’re own experience hasn’t been as good as you deserved

Thank you to everyone who mentioned the Tim Minchin song - just had a listen and loved it

I think it's healthy. I think that if you are a decent, reasonable, warm person who is good at relationships, there are lots of good or amazing relationships you could have had. It is also healthy to understand, fully deeply and emotionally, that an exclusive monogamous relationship means choosing not to treat anyone else the same way in your life.

I hope nothing happens to your DH but if it does, you will probably be happy again. It's all good!

It aches???? I think he is a wally and not awfully clever. A bit funny but not awfully clever. Lol

Would you be giggling along if you were the wife?!

And you shouldn't let your mind go there on the alternatives...As that's how affairs begin.

I don't think that's true at all. Having an affair with either of the two men I thin of as people I could have married never occurred to me. It was just a recognition of 'Oh, here's another person it could have worked with'.

I agree entirely with @NewAccount that our life together has made DH irreplaceable because of all that shared history, but, as we met by accident a cancelled event we were the only two to show up to because we hadn't known it would be silly to think we were the only two people fated for one another in the world.

I agree with you OP. I don’t believe in soulmates or ‘the one’. IMO Marriage and long term partnerships are about meeting someone you gel with at a time you are ready to settle down. There are probably lots of people you encounter in life who might have fulfilled that role if you had been single when you met them.

I say that as someone who has been faithfully married for over 30 years. I love my DH, I cherish our shared history and I’m looking forward to our future but if I hadn’t met him when I did I am sure I would have found someone else I could have been just as happy or even happier with.

That's the best marriage advice I received: That you need to make that choice over and over again, everyday, in order to have a successful marriage. And you shouldn't let your mind go there on the alternatives...As that's how affairs begin. Once you visualise something in your mind and dwell on it, you give it room to grow and become easily actionable.

I think this is absolutely true. Marriages work because people choose love, fidelity and loyalty. If you expect those things to just happen automatically with no agency from you, you will chip away at the bond you have with your partner and then tell yourself it was never strong enough in the first place. That’s why when I’ve recognised that sense of connection I’ve never indulged any thoughts beyond the recognition itself. I totally agree that visualising an idea gives it strength.

If I didn't go to the party, I wonder what route my life would have taken! I wouldn't have my wonderful husband and gorgeous girls.

I have these thoughts too. I actually feel that meeting my husband justifies all the decisions I made before that I might otherwise have regretted - because if I had done things differently I wouldn’t have met him. And while I agree with Tim Minchin they I would most likely have met someone else, I’m glad I didn’t!

That said, it would be hard/maybe impossible for anyone to 'beat' him now, because we've now spent years building a life together. He's the man who held me while I sobbed uncontrollably in my worst bout of depression and told me he loved me anyway, he's DS's father, he's the man who held my hand while I gave birth, the man who gave a speech so ridiculous when he proposed that we both ended up in fits of giggles. Now he's irreplaceable (and I, I hope, am to him) because no one else could have that shared history. But that doesn't mean that had things turned out differently right from the start - if he'd missed his grades, or just if I'd had a cold that night in a pub that we both got a bit drunk and admitted we fancied each other - that we couldn't both be just as happy with someone else right now*

This is beautiful, and I totally agree. In a happy marriage you grow together and the longer your shared history is the greater the bond between you.

Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

I think you could probably make a marriage work with a different partner but the whole point of a relationship is that proactively chose your dh despite the other options. It's a commitment that forms a bond. Nothing wrong with a bit of naval gazing though.

I’m on husband number 3, so I’ve pretty much married everyone I would consider marrying.

Yes, I've thought this, but then, I always started off thinking every guy I met could be "the one". Within a couple of hours of meeting them, those odds were slashed to about 1 in 4, and from then on they declined steadily with each date (particularly after the 6-week "I can't keep my hands off you" period had passed ). After a year or so of dating there were only a couple of possibles. DH made it through, and over 20 years on I still think "I want to spend the rest of my life with you".

It is also healthy to understand, fully deeply and emotionally, that an exclusive monogamous relationship means choosing not to treat anyone else the same way in your life.

Absolutely! I think the reason some relationships struggle is because people don’t realise how important the element of choice.

@Sherkin I agree , I've too had a passing thought that I could have "worked" with other people. Perhaps the danger is in dwelling on it and letting that thought grow into obsession.

Yes sometimes I think what would it be like to marry someone maybe a bit less grumpy, then I remember everyone's grumpy sometimes and all those men out there being charming and good natured are probably hateful sods at home. I love DH and I wouldn't be with anyone else.

duMonde