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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shocked how much "ordinary" people spend on grooming?

341 replies

Daygals · 20/06/2019 15:15

Let's start by explaining that by ordinary, I mean people on average incomes living not unusual lives. What is normal might also be regional, I live in a world of fake tans and long fake lashes.

I am shockingly low maintenance but I thought I might make a bit of an effort for a special occasion and have my brows tidied and nails done, so I looked up some salons and price lists and this is where my shock comes from.

I had no idea these things are so expensive. The list I'm looking at is a fairly basis salon, nothing upmarket and includes things lots of people I know would consider "need" doing on a regular basis.

The prices are probably fair from the point of view of the therapist's time but I can't imagine spending this on myself on a regualar basis.

Eye lashes £40
HD Brows £20
Gel Nails £30
Pedicure £20
Hair cut £40
Hair colour £80

That's before waxing and and more luxury treatments like facials or anti-aging stuff.

I don't know how often it all needs doing (monthly?) but I know lots of people who are always "done" like this I can't fathom how it's even possible/

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2019 17:36

Supermassive, thanks for explaining. i've been thinking about this. I'm married, have been for 22 years and I get waxed. I say that I do it for me - and that's true - heavy periods, liking the sensitivity, etc. I also have grey-blonde hair that I prefer blonde.

I know that my husband has a preference for my hair to be blonde and for me to be waxed BUT if I didn't, he wouldn't care and I truly wouldn't care what he thinks - it's my body. He is a bit of a scruff, always clean but smart he is not. We look like the original 'odd couple'.

I'm cognisant enough to know that a 'smug married' is not in the same position as a young teen trying to find their space and place in the world so whilst I'm not concerned what men think of my pubic hair or lack thereof, I can see how this might be a problem for my daughter in years to come. I can't change the media but I can keep dinning into her head that she's great as she is - and hair is just hair, clothes are just clothes whilst at the same time, I realise that peer pressure will lay all of that to waste.

I absolutely agree with you and Frida about media pressure; I just don't know how to tackle it. If I can only do a tiny thing then I'd do it - it's important, it really is. It's essential for the health and well-being of our children, whatever their sex.

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 21/06/2019 17:38

I use box dye on my hair,dont get my nails done anymore,fake tan myself when I need it but spend £180 3 times a year on forehead botox

FridaKahl0 · 21/06/2019 17:53

I don't disagree with you either, I responded to your post yesterday saying that advertising is insidious. What is the net value of acknowledging that a decision you make is because of advertising/or isn't? If you're going to purchase the product anyway...? This applies to make-up, cars, books, food, clothes, electricity suppliers... why is the emphasis always on beauty products and services? I would really like to know why that is

Sorry, I only just came back on and the thread had moved on a lot so I must have missed it!

But yeah, if you're going to make the purchase anyway then there's not much financial value in acknowledging that you're doing so because of advertising! But I think the aim is to take that knowledge and use it to stop yourself spending so much money on unnecessary things! Sometimes I think "wow I'd love to drive a really nice car" but then I stop and ask myself why I care what my car looks like? And then I just buy the one that lasts the longest without breaking and has the biggest boot!

For me this is the case for any strictly unnecessary purchase, but I guess things like cosmetics and beauty get more focus in these debates because they are marketed by perpetuating negativity, telling people that they are not good enough without them, and placing a huge emphasis on physical appearance. I would say the same thing applies to fashion, and to a slightly lesser extent, flashy accessories, electronics, cars, etc.

Books and electricity suppliers (etc.) I don't think advertise themselves by trying to exploit people's ego and self-esteem.

FridaKahl0 · 21/06/2019 17:57

Also I'm not claiming to be totally unaffected myself and I do understand your question of what you can actually do. For example, I don't wear make-up and I cut my own hair, and I don't follow fashion trends (my wardrobe has about three different items in it, repeated).

But I do remove my leg hair and armpit hair and I pluck my eyebrows. I'm aware I only do that because society tells me I should. I'm aware my DH doesn't do any of that and doesn't feel the need to. And I feel stupid that I have to bow to that pressure and do it. But that's where my limit lies, I suppose, of what I can ignore and what I can't. Everyone has a limit, it's just that they differ in where they lie. The problem I think is that the beauty industry is constantly trying to push that line, and lots of people succumb to that so that what they feel they must do constantly requires more money and effort.

fotheringhay · 21/06/2019 18:10

Lying that's interesting about the Germaine Greer qupte, I've always believed it to be "Women have no idea how much men hate them" ... "and the tragedy is they [women] love them"

SheWoreRedVelvet · 21/06/2019 18:15

I don't smoke, rarely drink and use very little petrol.

So, I have plenty of money to spend on looking good, thank you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2019 18:16

I agree about the beauty industry there, Frida, what is not ok for me (most of all) is the lying. Photographers have always been able to airbrush and they've done so with abandon. It makes me sad to see somebody's mole brushed out and their face doesn't look like them anymore.

My friend had her port wine birthmark airbrushed out of her wedding photos and I was sad. Then again, I don't know what it's like to live with one of those so it would be grossly unfair for me to put myself in her shoes. I just know that I love her 'warts and all' (she doesn't have warts), she's just fabulous. I'm sure there was some negative pressure that impacted that decision, somewhere.

I celebrate the Boots advert (I think it is?), the lady in the lime green swimsuit, jiving away and not giving a damn but I know that deep down, women are judging her for how she looks as she's not an archetypal 'beauty' or the 'right' weight. What do we do about that?

I can see now that what I'm saying about car-buying isn't that relevant because whilst I might have bought a Renault Clio just be Thierry Henry (before I knew he was a cheating twat) was doing a great job advertising them, nobody was thinking "Gosh Lying, look at the state of you in that car, your bum looks so big in it", or some such. You're absolutely right - the beauty industry is no friend to women.

I was thinking about make-up earlier (because of another thread) and I was thinking about when I used to sit with my aunt and watch her putting on make-up. It was a performance. I was about 7 or 8 and thought she was terribly glamorous. My mum never wears make-up and I think she looks great without it but any pressure is from my aunt (her sister) who thinks that my mum 'doesn't care'.

My aunt is obviously wrong but that pressure can be so gentle to start with that you don't feel it until it's oppressive and then it's too late. I wear Ellnett hairspray to this day.

In a way I think that men judge us less on our appearance (other than whether they 'would' or 'wouldn't') because, as you've said, they don't feel the same pressure themselves so it's not on their radar as such. Women though, do feel this pressure and they pick up the misogynist mantle themselves to judge other women because they are in competition with them (as they perceive). So even when it's not down to men, it is still because of them.

This has become a really interesting discussion and I don't think that my views are that anti-feminist really, I absolutely want women to be free of pressure to conform their looks for men's delectation; I just want them to also be free of women's judgement too.

What can I do? I'm just not sure. I'm focusing on what I can do at the moment which is to try to put myself in other people's shoes a little more accurately so as to try to understand how they feel, I'm trying to be more of a supporter for women's rights and I'm reading a lot more articles than I did. As a sex we have so much potential but there are still so many barriers we need to overcome. It's very daunting to me.

fotheringhay · 21/06/2019 18:16

I find it a bit heartbreaking that if you're a person who has the hair, nails, eyelashes etc done, then there's quite a big difference between how you look naturally and how you're trying to look.

For me, I've tried hard in my life to love myself as I am, with a major part of that being, love myself how I naturally look.

I genuinely would hate to look in the mirror and see a list of things to change. I don't want any woman to see her appearance as a to-do list Sad

I know it make a lot of people happy to change/'enhance' their appearance, but for just as many, or more, it's a case of aiming to be 'not unattractive'. That's why I do the bits I do anyway

fotheringhay · 21/06/2019 18:18

Basically, I'm sad for those who do it to feel presentable, rather than as a fun thing

fotheringhay · 21/06/2019 18:20

Pondering further, I'm basically talking about myself. I am one of those who looks in the mirror and sees things that aren't good enough. So I may be projecting here!

SupermassiveBlackHo · 21/06/2019 18:20

I don't smoke, rarely drink and use very little petrol. So, I have plenty of money to spend on looking good, thank you

I don't smoke, drink or use petrol either. That's not the point.

stucknoue · 21/06/2019 18:24

I pay £29 every 6 weeks through the summer and sometimes in the winter for waxing (legs, under arms, bikini) £17 every 3 weeks for nails and £25 periodically for hair cut (have natural colour), some pay more for just a hair cut or gym membership!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2019 18:26

fotheringhay, I think we do when push comes to shove. It's only when I read Mumsnet that I think women hate other women (on some superficial level).

I'm sure that I'm guilty of it myself however much I talk a good game; my prejudices are there for sure and sometimes I don't even realise that I have them.

I was talking about upbringing to one of my friends earlier and it's funny to think of the things that stick with you all your life long. For me:

Good: Many lovely memories of granddad making sweetpea posies for me and me making 'grey pastry' jam tarts and proudly watching him eat them all with evident enjoyment (they must have been awful).
Bad: Being told that I wasn't thin enough to do ballet (as a young child) by one of my parent's friends - and not being stuck up for.
Ugly: Being bullied so badly at school that I had a breast reduction operation at just turned 15. Girls in my class perceived that my large breasts were 'done on purpose to get the boys' and nothing I could say would convinced them otherwise.

That last one is why I think that many women are in competition with other women for men - and that's where the hatred is - because of what they perceive is what men want.

I'm fiercely protective of the women in my life and I'm sure my upbringing has a lot to do with that.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 21/06/2019 18:26

My eyebrows have drifted to the point where they start in the middle of my eyelids these days. I get them waxed by somebody who knows what they’re doing because I don’t want hairy eyelids.

I get my hair sorted out every couple of months because I like to change the toner colours and my fringe is feral.

It’s as much as I can be bothered with, although I do enjoy looking at makeup.

CitadelsofScience · 21/06/2019 18:40

I haven't rtft yet but will later.

I'm not in to doing all the appointments for brows, waxing etc because I'm too bloody lazy.

I have started to spend a lot more money and time on skin care, makeup and hair because as a mature I fucking hate that word but it fits woman I've all of a sudden found myself looking a bit better to me if I've groomed myself better.

I don't look naturally radiant these days thanks to various medical issues and crap sleep, I need a little help to not scare myself in the mirror.

The80sweregreat · 21/06/2019 18:42

Ihavealoobrush, I just wanted to say how I love your username.

I do have hi lights now and again as the grey hair just makes me look even more shitty than normal and doing it myself is hard going and a bit uneven! ( my hairdresser of years has left though so I need to find a new one which is stressful!)
I like a pedicure but they always look worried when I ask for bare toenails as I can't bear them painting them. It does take forever so
It's only one a year.
The nail thing drove me mad and has taken months for them to recover! Never again am I going down that route.
Wax and tint on brows is 16 pounds. It does improve my face so its worth it but it's only now and again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2019 18:46

fotheringhay, I agree with you about feeling 'not good enough' and about needing to enhance myself with make-up. If I don't wear it, my manager or my mother (both women) will say, "oh you look tired". That makes me feel like shit, so I wear it, so as not to feel like shit about myself.

When I'm at home, going nowhere, what delights me is taking off every scrap of make-up, steaming my face and rubbing in some really nice facecream that feels good on my skin. I don't think I look tired, I think I look glowing then. The only make-up I would wear at that point would be a bit of Clarins lip comfort oil, it's sheer and an oil, barely perceptible colour.

I guess that means that I am actually wearing make-up for other people at the end of it - because they will comment and make me feel shit if I don't. :(

MitziK · 21/06/2019 19:00

Why does body hair need to removed?

In my case, because Psoriasis means it fucking itches like hell if it's left on. Removing the hair means that the various treatments actually get into the skin, rather than sitting on the hair and feeling revoltingly sticky whilst doing nothing to help stop the burning, itching, scaling and flaking. Same with the eyebrows.

Why have a manicure/pedicure? Because my back and hip are too fucked to be able to reach my feet and it's cheaper than a podiatrist, and Psoriasis means the nails are very weak and prone to splitting/peeling/getting ingrown. A foot massage helps deal with swelling and pain from inflammation of the entheses. A hand and lower arm massage helps with swelling of the joints and entheses and reduces the likelihood of splits and infections. I can't hold a bottle of nail strengthener to coat my fingernails to stop them snapping off halfway down the nail bed, so somebody else can do it - and if they do gel overlays, those nails will not break at all.

Getting my hair done would mean somebody is able to see if any patches are starting up on my scalp before I do. They can make sure that my hair is in the best condition possible and in a style that is easy for me to look after when I'm unable to lift my arms above my head, stand up or lean over to wash it.

The warmth of somebody blowdrying my hair is soothing when my shoulder and elbow are too swollen and painful to be able to bring a hairdryer or brush to my head. The feel of a scalp massage is soothing and can help stave off a headache caused by an inflamed cervical spine, rather than leave me in pain for days.

If I do not see anybody to speak to and there is nobody to touch me, I'm deprived of something so vital that the absence of both is regarded as abuse. Going to a salon provides something emotionally important that would be inappropriate or fraught with safeguarding risks outside. Other social animals groom one another as part of health and emotional bonding - the DTwatCat1 does't lick DTwatCat2's head because it's sexual, it's a pleasurable sensation for both, the baboon doesn't just pick lice out of another's fur for the handy little protein snacks they provide, it strengthens bonds through feeling nice, from being calm and having relaxed interactions. The reject, the outcast is the one that is not touched. They suffer.

The women denigrating others for doing such things sound just like the abusive men I have known. The ones who want their women barefoot and pregnant and assume that any interaction outside the home is solely to engage in illicit sex with any random male that comes along - heaven forbid that women should get physical pleasure or benefit from somebody touching their hair or body, that anybody should see them or suggest that they are entitled to do something that they like that cannot directly benefit anybody else. How dare they leave the washing up to go and have 90 minutes away from screaming infants or not thinking about their menfolk? How dare they think that the feeling of somebody else's hands on them is something pleasurable when obviously the only touch a woman should have is that of her husband or her children? Comfort can only be doled out through fulfilling one's destiny as the incubator of babies and the receptacle of semen, after all.

Yeah, go for it, campaign to marginalise and shame women into not doing anything that makes them feel good or happy. They're not allowed. The misogynists, abusers and incels will love every moment of that, as having women publicly back them up over it will give them even more power to accuse, berate and beat women for putting their own feelings above those of men.

Or, conversely, fuck off and let women do what they bloody well like instead of backing up the abusive Menz.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/06/2019 19:05

MitziK, that all sounds incredibly challenging. Thanks

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 21/06/2019 19:16

I do most of the "maintenance" myself, but I really dislike being touched by therapists.I also really dislike waiting in salons and the small talk. It stresses me out. My job is incredibly stressful, I need time to relax.

Also, it's my time, I'm not distracted by anything, I just spend time doing my hails, feet, wax, whatever. I concentrate, I look for moles, bumps, cuts , what not.

It's not cheaper though, because I have an epilator, an electric foot file, a nail file, a NuFace and so on.

It's not right, it's not wrong, it's how it works for me. I don't have to justify it to anyone.

The80sweregreat · 21/06/2019 19:18

My ds2 really hates the ' fake look' on women (as he puts it.) he thinks the natural look is much better.
He does use hair gel though. (Dh is jealous as he hasn't got any hair! )He doesn't use any products apart from shower gel.
I don't have daughters : I think I would struggle if I had them and they liked all this glittery stuff as I'm not that keen on it all myself really. I do shave but I've been told that 'my age group ( 50s) have been conditioned to shave ' ! Probably true.

bonbonours · 21/06/2019 19:23

Wow, I also spend basically nothing. Pluck my eyebrows at home, and as a pp said, spot any single stray hairs when they appear rather than waiting weeks. Where I've been plucking for years it hardly grows back much now.

Shave my legs and armpits, and tidy up bikini line with a reusable single blade razor (so much cheaper and more eco-friendly than disposables and works the same).

Cut my own hair once in a while. If I was going to pay to get it cut I would be looking to spend no more than £30 and would feel that was splashing out. Use curly girl method and just comb with conditioner, rub some hair wax through it and dry naturally.

Paint my nails myself occasionally, file or trim them when they get too long. Last time I had a proper manicure, despite sitting there for ages having loads of coats, it still chipped off just as quick if not quicker than when I paint a single coat myself.

People's priorities are really weird.

SupermassiveBlackHo · 21/06/2019 19:39

MitziK - I'm a disabled wheelchair user with many painful health conditions and I'm housebound at the moment. Some of the things you've mentioned are clearly done to alleviate pain or help with ailments. They're medical. A massage for pain relief isn't the same as eyelash extensions to make yourself "prettier". That isn't what people are talking about at all.

sansou · 21/06/2019 19:40

I'm too lazy & tight to go for all these beauty treatments regularly if truth be told. I am fortunate to have good skin genetically so have never felt the need to spend the fortune my cousin have spent on skincare since her teens. I do have a weakness for expensive bath oil though which are ridiculous prices.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 21/06/2019 20:04

I don't think the op was referring to people who have massages and treatments for health or pain conditions. Obviously all right-minded people could see why you might choose to spend money on those although I would prefer it if the public purse could stretch to provide these therapeutic treatments for people who need it. Hair removal for women with pcos for example - it's not right that people have to self-fund this.

But op surely posted about general beautification and titivation? All the intense grooming that women, collectively, still spend way more on than men, and at increasing levels now.

I remember a holiday New York in 1999 and vaguely thinking "I could have a manicure" as it was so easy - drop in nail bars in almost every parade of shops. That didn't exist in the UK at that time (I lived in London, so not even in London). Now my local neighbourhood has at least 10 beauty/nail parlours. Why is that? In 20 short years ...