to ask my 9 year old to stump up half of his £250 school trip?

[EnidBrighton]

NC for this as it's quite specific. My 9 year old DS came home from school yesterday with a letter for a residential trip at an eyewatering £250. Things are already tight, but I have enough notice to make cuts to absorb it - but it does mean cutting back on some things and life not being as comfortable for a few weeks so that he can go.

I never ever ever went on school residentials because my parents couldn't afford it, and I was bullied for it, because it sucks being the poor kid at the grammar school, and twenty years later it still stings a bit and I still have some resentment about not being able to do DofE etc. So I absolutely do not want DS missing out on this trip, there's no question of him not going.

BUT his attitude and behaviour over the last few weeks and months have absolutely stunk. Rudeness, backchat, lies, tantrums, slamming doors, the works. I toe the line between having fairly strict standards of behaviour, bur being fun and chilled and approachable, and we have had endless 'chats' about rudeness and respect, time outs, taking away electronics, having to 'earn' electronics time, et cetera.

AIBU to use this residential trip as an opportunity to encourage him to think about his behaviour more and be more considerate? Because when he tries, he is the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful kid. But I see less of that and more of the rudeness, lies and temper these days.

So I'm tempted to make him an offer. We have 12 weeks to pay the balance of the trip. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to 'earn' half of the cost - £125 - by doing additional simple household chores, keeping his attitude in check, doing some helpful paid tasks like washing Grandads car, etc. If he earns above the £125, he can take it as spending money or put it in his savings book.

I think it would be a good opportunity for him to learn the value of money (I am still aghast at how much it is) and also a tangible value of good behaviour. I mooted it with my DP this morning and she also thinks it's a good idea.

What are your thoughts? And do you have any suggestions as to how he can 'earn' it?

He gets to go anyway, and it then sets you up for a fall as you'll have to raise the bar for next time.

Nothibg wrong with wanting him to work on his behaviour but it sounds like it needs a long term strategy.

Having been through the 9yo cheek phase with 2 DSs I really wouldn’t tie this into the trip.
It’s quite woolly, it’s over complicated and if he fails you have no where to go.
Either you want him to go on the trip or you don’t.
You need to tackle his behaviour as a separate issue and we found the only thing that works is being consistent. Rudeness equals time off electronics, immediately.
Going out to play with friends is dependent on homework being done and rooms tidied (although that has slightly gone out the window now as yet at teenagers and I am tired).
The endless chats you’re having with him aren’t working if they are endless, I think you need to be a bit blunter.

TheCrowFromBelow I agree,endless chats are a waste of time and energy,tell him what the rules are and stick to them. Trip is a separate issue.

I wouldn't not be blaming it on hormones and would wonder what had caused the change in behaviour if it's not been there before.

I think the residential should be kept out of it as you are sending him regardless. If you would carry out the sanction if him not actually going it would be different.

I didn't go on any of mine and it is awful, likeswisemmy friends mum could afford it but couldn't get past her own anxieties so her childhood was curtailed and there's even more resentment on her part.

AIBU to use this residential trip as an opportunity to encourage him to think about his behaviour more and be more considerate? Because when he tries, he is the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful kid. But I see less of that and more of the rudeness, lies and temper these days.

Hm. This is too long a period and you are wanting to use it for too many different kinds of bad behaviour, most of which are fairly minor.

Yes you could use the trip as a reward to encourage good behaviour but there are a couple of differences between using the trip as a reward versus losing it as a threat. It doesn't really make sense to give a child a reward for "not doing something bad". You can let him earn him a reward (or a reward token towards his trip) for being helpful or for being polite or for staying calm, but then you have to notice and praise him for whatever it was every time he does it. You need to set things up so he can be very confident that he can earn enough tokens for the reward or it becomes demotivating. And once he has earned a reward token you can't take it away again if he is rude or lies or throws a tantrum later on.

So using the trip as a reward wouldn't do any harm but it wouldn't magically solve your rudeness etc problem either.

I wouldn’t expect a child to contribute towards a school trip at nine years old. That’s not a child’s responsibility and your suggestion it makes me wonder whether you’re setting unreasonable expectations and seeing a problem when what you have is a fairly normal developmental stage?

Parenting is continuous and goes through tough phases. A nine year old becoming more challenging is normal and healthy - that is not to say it should be ignored though. Nine/ten is when children start seeing themselves as separate from parents; when peers become more important and when independence starts growing. In the early stages children get it wrong. They often aren’t good at asserting themselves and need teaching ( sounds like you’re doing it just fine). Clear expectations, making the behaviour not the child unacceptable and knowing they have unconditional love tends to win through in the end. It passes and the child goes into their teenage years knowing where the boundaries sit.

£250 sounds cheap for a residential trip. Never had on at ourschool for less than £500